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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

School forcing my son to play rugby

301 replies

Nearly47 · 06/03/2019 08:05

AIBU to think that it is wrong that the school is forcing my DS to compete in the rugby team?
When we joined I new he had to learn how to play and I have no issues with that. But to compete involves staying late at school twice a week and going to games Saturdays mornings plus he already plays football that's the sport he prefers. I am really annoyed and not sure how to proceed.

OP posts:
Kokeshi123 · 06/03/2019 23:45

There are one or two parents here who seem to be channeling a public-school housemaster circa 1953!

No employer in the real world gives a shit whether you did a bit of crappy school sport, by the way.

bridgetreilly · 07/03/2019 00:13

Well, I don't suppose the OP is still reading but just in case:

You need to help your son be clearer and firmer in saying to the PE teacher that he won't be available for the rugby team. I mean, sure, talk to the school yourself if you want, but the bigger issue is that he is terrified of saying anything to a teacher and risking a punishment. You can't be punished for not being part of an extra-curricular activity and your son needs to learn to speak up for himself.

Ce7913 · 07/03/2019 03:01

Disclaimer: I'm Australian and our educational landscape is somewhat different.

That said, there are some similarities in that playing sport of some kind is essentially compulsory in most, if not all, private schools, and not necessarily so in most public schools.

And of course, (what we call) rugby union is very popular here, as is rugby league and football.

I am being entirely serious when I say that I would immediately disenrol my child from a school that 'required' him or her to play rugby - or any other sport where there is a reasonable risk of traumatic brain injury inherent to the ordinary course of playing the game. Particularly if said child was under the age of 13.

The lifelong ramifications to brain development resulting from early concussions are such that I seriously question the ethics of any institution that 'requires' a minor child to assume that risk.

Though, from PPs responses, it's apparent that I approach this from a different angle to many.

To me, even 'voluntary' participation of minors is questionable - they cannot possibly apprehend the life-long and potentially life-altering (life-destroying) consequences of early concussion and CTE.

...I mean, in both Australia and the UK, parents can be charged with an offence if they leave a child under the age of 13 home alone for more than a couple of hours, or with responsibility for younger siblings: because they lack the cognition and judgement (and experience) to reliably evaluate and appropriately respond to both ordinary and extroardinary risks to health and safety.

...But somehow those same children (and even younger) are supposed to have the maturity, discernment, foresight and medical comprehension required to evaluate, and then assume, the life-long risk to their health and well-being that early concussions represent.

The research has been coming out for years now and is undeniable.

Parents have a responsibility to not just passively accept 'business as usual' sport participation policies from their children's school.

Jimjamjooney · 07/03/2019 07:27

StillCoughingandLaughing yet you took the time to reply because you're so switched off.

Just in case you've switched back on again, here's one example of how having a committee position could help with an application for KPMG, and there will be many others.

We look at the nine key areas below. You should consider how you’ve demonstrated these behaviours in your life, using specific recent examples. These can be from hobbies and academia, to part-time jobs. Remember what you did, the role you played and the challenges you faced.Our behavioural capabilities are important to us, and you will be assessed on these throughout the entire recruitment process. We recommend getting to know each of the capabilities and preparing examples of when you may have demonstrated each behaviour. Your examples can be drawn from your studies, work or extra-curricular experiences.

www.kpmgcareers.co.uk/graduates/how-to-apply/behavioural-capabilities

StillCoughingandLaughing · 07/03/2019 08:29

And how does ‘I hated rugby but played because I was forced to’ fit into that?

Jimjamjooney · 07/03/2019 08:58

It doesn't. I was giving my opinion after some posters suggested that sports/ extracurriculars are completely irrelevant when applying for jobs.

TheSerenDipitY · 07/03/2019 08:58

not bothering to read above...
just email the head and P.E teachers and tell them you will not have your son available for ANY weekend sports as he has been signed up to a soccer club and has been all along and you are tired of having to email continuously telling them he doesn't wish to play rugby, so are taking this opportunity to state once and for all for the record, that your son will NOT be available for any rugby game outside of school hours as he has a commitment to soccer! and you will not email about this again
then follow thru, dont take him to any games other than his soccer games and dont make it so he can go to any rugby games... the P.E teacher is trying to push him in to playing as he needs good players, but if his heart isnt in the game he is never going to give it his all and he will begin to resent having to play against his will

howabout · 07/03/2019 09:36

jimjam the vast majority of candidates with strong enough academics to apply to work at KPMG will have ample examples to meet all 9 criteria from their educational experience alone.

MeAgainAgain · 07/03/2019 09:43

'. I was giving my opinion after some posters suggested that sports/ extracurriculars are completely irrelevant when applying for jobs.'

No one has said this?
What has been did is that using participation in team sports as a selection /filtering method is likely to result in indirect discrimination (obviously).

The person doing it was not talking about any / all activities hobbies volunteering etc etc

They were doing it based on team sports only.

Arnoldthecat · 07/03/2019 10:12

Its just general commentary but i went to an old style grammar school. Sport was very important. Back then my school didnt play football. They didnt even have a football pitch. It was rugby ,cross country in winter and cricket/athletics in the summer. In winter if it was lashing down with rain it would be rugby. At the end of the game,anyone who was pristine clean would be dragged through the mud until they were nice and mucky like all the other players. Competition was fierce and the school prized its sports team which competed in leagues with other grammar schools. The cpatain of the rugby team was like a god as were the key sportsmen. Clearly that ethos still pervades and its no bad thing aside from the mud dragging which presumably doesnt happen now ?

Football was not played presumably because it was seen as too "working class".

Making all that fit with other things is the challenge.

Northernparent68 · 07/03/2019 12:11

Arnoldthecat, I think that culture is bad. No one should be made to playcompetive sports against their will, particularly not dangerous sports like rugby, and no school child should be treated like a god.

HomeMadeMadness · 07/03/2019 12:27

it's well known that having committee positions at university societies (doesn't have to be sport btw) is desirable to employers.

This is not in the least well know and if true at all is only true for a narrow range of fields. I used to hire people for incredibly competitive roles - I wouldn't have been in the least impressed by this and would question why they even wasted CV space mentioning it.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 07/03/2019 16:54

I have actually seen a grad scheme application form that had a question asking about positions held in university societies. Can’t remember which one (DS filled in so many), but there definitely was at least one. I remember commenting that I’d told him to get more involved in things and he’d been a lazy arse.

Many of these so called job application myths are not actually myths.

Usuallyinthemiddle · 07/03/2019 17:32

I see a huge amount of grad cv's with not a lot of content. (Why would they? If I were spending that amount on a course, I'd want to focus not work too). Sometimes the extra curricular bits are the only bits to stand out. It's not nonsense. It does play a part.
But equally, I'm not sure you can be forced either. Confused I'd have hated that!

WikkiTikkiWoo · 07/03/2019 17:39

A friend's son goes to a faith school. Not private. And rugby on a Saturday is compulsory. She tried to get a pass for her son as it clashed with other sporting activities he was very involved with (including national competing) but he was still forced to do it.

whatevermaycome · 07/03/2019 17:40

This is the norm at my children's school. It was made clear to us at the information evening though. Same for hockey and cricket. They don't play football at all so those who remain interested have to play for local clubs out of school. My two have a ball at training and being with their friends often all day on a Saturday if it's an away match. Agree it can be a pain as a parent if you want to do something else but they are with their friends and so are happy. It's really competitive to get on a team here so a friend with a child who hates sport just plays badly and so never selected. Is that an option ?

LonelyDadNeedsHelp · 07/03/2019 18:13

@WikkiTikkiWoo

The school can try claiming it's compulsory all they like, but it's not and it's absolutely unenforceable.

A state school cannot force any child to take part in extra curricular activities, especially not if it's after school or at the weekend.

Your friend should stop asking for a pass and simply inform the school that their son will not be attending at the weekend. He cannot be punished, and he cannot be excluded, doing so would be unlawful.

JohnMcCainsDeathStare · 07/03/2019 18:27

I would like to see them try that on my son with ASD. They would have more luck training a cat. He is very gentle and obedient but if he gets a whiff of bullshit he is an immovable object.

BunsyGirl · 07/03/2019 18:49

DS1 age 8 does sport seven days a week and manages just fine. He also gets at least 30 mins of homework per day. He competes for the school in rugby, hockey, cricket, tennis and swimming and the fixtures can be up to an hour away so getting home after 6pm is common. He also does football out of school on a weekend. I am not complaining. It’s typical of private schools and what we signed up for. He thrives on it. What I find bemusing is the number of people who declare that children in state schools deserve the same education as those in private schools when, in reality, this thread shows that lots of people do not actually support what that type of education entails

Streamside · 07/03/2019 18:53

If he's no good they won't be overly concerned about him anyway .Would he not want to play for his school alongside his school friends? My boys have represented their schools and province at rugby and it's given them huge advantages in terms of friendships of all ages and backgrounds.

Usuallyinthemiddle · 07/03/2019 19:02

bunsy I went to private school and that's absolutely not what I signed up for! Or experienced. Nor is it the mission of all private schools. Draconian isn't a positive value these days... but cheers for patronising me.

TigerTooth · 07/03/2019 19:12

My son's school does this - and with football/hockey/cricket - season dependent.
There are 6 teams A-F so all boys compete with other schools with boys if s similar standard - it's pretty normal practice and yes, character building and good exercise - if they have the resources to do this and are playing compulsory Saturday matches for all levels then I presume it's a private school? Sounds normAl to me.

BunsyGirl · 07/03/2019 19:23

Usuallyinthemiddle I am not patronising you at all. There is nothing draconian about it. No one is forcing DS 1 to do anything. If he preferred dancing, music, drama etc he could do that instead. However, it is expected that a child will take part in lots of extra curricular activities. Whatever you say, that is the norm at private schools.

Reallyevilmuffin · 07/03/2019 19:25

I feel I'm normally deferential to schools and policy compared to average, but a state funded school requiring him to be there outside of hours is bang out if order, for something he doesn't want to do or you don't want him to do. Lots of options open to you, from the mundane just picking him up and not turning up, encouraging chap to just sit out or play badly, complain to governors.

wildchild554 · 07/03/2019 19:36

If he doesn't want to do it I would simply tell the school he's not doing it. They aren't his parent and they can't force him to take part or for you to play along.