Anyone with a quiet child? - upset at what teacher has said at parents eve

[Afternooninthepark]

Dd is 10 and in year 6.
Tonight was her parents evening. Each year we are told that dd is very quiet which is fine not a shock as I know she is one of the quiet ones, the world is full of different personalities, we can’t all be loud and super confident.
However, tonight the teacher made a real issue about it. She told me she thought dd was too quiet, never participated and that she thought her self esteem was extremely low. She even went on to say that she thought if dd had her way ‘she would crouch into small ball and hide under the table’! She also suggested she should speak to the Relate counsellor??!!
I told the teacher this was a bit of shock to me. Dd is quiet but at home she is witty and funny, always happy, very very arty and creative, has a big love of animals and just a lovely, loving, kind & wonderful daughter.
She never says she hates school, always goes in happily and very rarely complains about much.
I’ve asked dd if she is happy at achool and she says she is and doesn’t understand why the teacher is saying this.
I’m upset and worried now. It’s as though the teacher thinks being quiet is a major flaw or that there is some underlying issue as to why she is quiet. And why on earth would she think that just because she is quiet that it means she has low self esteem??
Anyone else with a quiet child?

And this is why we don’t do ‘hands up’ in our school.
‘Hands up’ means that loud confident children get a disproportionate amount of the teacher’s time, it means that quiet, unconfident children never get practice in speaking in front of the class and quiet, confident children know that they will be called on to speak sometimes and the class gain from them sharing their ideas.
Lolly sticks works well because from an early age the children know that their name may come out so they can’t zone out of a lesson. It also means that asking for help and helping is part of the culture of the classroom - either from a talk partner or from the teacher.

My Y1 DD is loud gregarious and happy at home but suffers in school. She is very quiet and sensitive at school and we are now looking at mechanisms to assist her to build resilience as her teachers have flagged as a problem.

The teacher might be wrong but loads of strangers on the internet don’t know that because your daughter sounds okay to them!

Therapy isn’t a criticism of parenting

Your post really reasonates with me. I was quiet and my dd is too.

I find that extroverts (like my mum and possibly your dds teacher)don’t understand it. They think there is something wrong that needs fixing.

My mum is still trying to fix me 40 years on. I just smile and politely ignore. It’s frustrating and upsetting though as she clearly thinks there is something wrong with me and my personality.

I’m probably equally as guilty of being judgemental though. I often think that extroverts who need to be the centre of attention and need to have lots of friends seem a bit off kilter. They seem to get their self worth from externally rather than internally.

Your dd sounds lovely

Quiet child here. I hated answering/speaking up in class because I was clever and it just gave the ones who made fun of me more ammunition to tease me for being a "swot". I didn't mind it quite so much in later high school when we got streamed into ability levels for exams.

But I had friends, I enjoyed school, I just wasn't interested in debating/public speaking etc.

I'm now 38 and have worked in retail and hospitality. Now I'm in finance and training other people to use the systems which involves a lot of face to face interaction. I've just taken my time coming out of my shell now I've found something I enjoy talking about!

I bet your daughter will be fine.

Although it does seem quite ott, don’t completely file it away.

Proceed as though your dd is a happy introvert, but remembering that all dc benefit from activities, challenges, involved parenting and opportunities that build their confidence and self esteem. Counselling isn’t the answer, doing plenty with your dd, making sure she accesses extra curriculars that suit her. And address any relationship issues at home of course.

My dd was always very quiet, every single parents evening they droned on about it and how she needed to work on it or it would cause problems in the future.
Well she's reading law at a RG uni now so I don't think it's had that greater impact on her. I'm glad I always ignored the teachers.

We have been told at every parents evening that our son is quiet and doesn't put himself forward in classes. It's never changed and it never bothered me. He makes good friends and is a happy child who does a good range of out of school activities. What he rarely does is make friends quickly. Also, the good teachers make sure that it's not just the loud children who get to contribute and find ways of supporting the quieter children.

I’ve been worrying about this all night tbh!! I’m going to make an appointment with the teacher to go over what she said as it was difficult to go through this all in a 10 minute slot.
I’m still struggling with the teachers take on my daughters mental health. She really did seem to imply that dd has very low self esteem (still can’t get over the curl up in a ball under table remark!). Surely, a good teacher would have picked up on this some time ago, pulling me in and discussing it and making plans to help but this was only mentioned after I asked how dd was doing socially but I feel that she is basically saying ‘oh your dd is so quiet that I completely forget she is there’ (in fact, she kind of said this). I’m getting more angry thinking about it. Tbh, I am concerned about the replies from people saying that they were the quiet children and they wish something had been done earlier then their lives would have been better. Should I be doing more? What can I do for a seemingly happy, kind, caring and lovely little girl? Do I put her in drama classes (something she doesn’t want to do!) do I put her into some kind of counselling (although I can’t see she has any issues other than being introvert which is basically her personality which I wouldn’t want to change). If she was waking up each morning saying she hated school or making a fuss at the school gate then maybe I’d be more concerned. Maybe I should just leave it be, she only has a few months left at primary school, perhaps I should concentrate more on her transition to secondary (which she says she is really looking forward to).

I was the quiet child, nothing wrong with that! Some people just don't understand. My teachers would tell my parents constantly and say they were worried about me, there was nothing wrong with me, I was just introverted and didn't bother to compete with airspace with the loud kids. I didn't see the point in speaking when I had nothing to say, although all the other kids seemed to
If she isn't like that at home I'm sure shes a perfectly happy kid. I was the same, at home I came out of my shell. With big noisy classes at school, it just isn't everyones cup of tea!

If you felt the need to ask now she is doing socially that suggests that deep down you may have been aware there is maybe a bigger issue?

Also, lovely to hear about the quiet children who are excelling as young adults. I know that I’ve got to look at the larger picture here.

I was also the quiet child. Sometimes I wanted to speak and just couldn’t. It developed into anxiety at high school and I really struggled. I couldn’t bring myself to walk into noisy classrooms or exam halls. It could be worth monitoring.

I wouldn't worry about it , I have a daughter that was always quiet at school , it's always raised even now that she's 17 , but always it's said in a way that she is quiet but that's just her personality she has loads of friends and likes school . You know your daughter better than anyone

Clarl what do you think would have helped you when you were younger? Do you think intervention would have prevented your anxiety or do you think that’s part of your ‘make up’? I’m introverted and an anxiety sufferer but tbh I think that is who I am.

I was extremely quiet and liked my own company about the same age, but came out of my shell in my teens and was rather loud and annoying! I would say it has caused problem in adulthood, as deep down I have lacked confidence, but I'm doing perfectly fine now. I will never love public speaking, but I think there are very few people that do. I would still say I'm an introvert, but I really don't think that's an issue.

I find it really weird in our culture how extreme extraversion is celebrated so much. Look at all the extremely confident, extroverted people in the public eye and compare their contributions to introverts!

The teacher needs to be more specific about what they mean. Saying your daughter will crawl under the table is not really helpful feedback. What are they planning to do about it? School is a bit of a weird environment (well a bit of a snake pit really) that isn't replicated anywhere in the real world (unless staying in education), so not every child will fit in to it. Some thrive in an adult environment alongside other adults.

Your daughter sounds like a wonderful child!

Haven't read the entire thread but I really liked Quiet by Susan Cain. I live with a quiet bloke, he's not shy & it was helpful. I'm noisy but an introvert, so it was a good read for me too.

There's a ted talk too.

How are her friendships Afternoon?

My DD is very quiet at school. She’s year 9 now but I’ve had similar conversations at every parents’ evening since she started school.

I usually turn it around and ask the teacher how they deal with the quiet ones in class and what do they do to encourage them to fully participate. I did get cross with one teacher who implied that DD’s reluctance to put her hand up and participate was due to apathy and that it was because she relied on others to do the work! However once I’d explained it was DD’s nature and she needed encouragement, the teacher completely changed her attitude towards her and said she would stop asking pupils to put their hands up and try to be more inclusive.

My daughter was a quiet child at primary and I had this pointed out at every parents eve. In fact a parent actually commented to me that it was such a shame about my daughter. When I asked what she meant she said because she's so shy and quiet! Her children were the exact opposite.
This still annoys me now 20 years later!
My daughter began to come out of her shell at about 14 and had a lovely group of friends. She was a quietly confident child and went on to a grammar sixth form, university and a good job she enjoys. She's married with 3 beautiful little girls.
She's confidant and down to earth. I wouldn't worry about this the teacher sounds a bit over bearing. See how she does at secondary school.
I too was the quiet child. As an adult in work I met an old teacher of mine. She couldn't believe I had this particular sort of job and just said 'but you were so quiet'. She had been a lovely teacher but larger than life. She must have thought I'd amount to very little.

My oldest DD became quieter at school and has found it to be a real disadvantage at university as she’s scared to present info & has been marked down. She also limited herself to field courses in which she wouldn’t have to give a solo presentation. Quiet thoughtful children still have to fit in with society.

Sorry I haven't read the whole thread.

I have a quiet child who also came across very differently at school and home. We were advised to sign him up for LAMDA drama classes in order to bring him out of himself. We have done this and the changes have been lovely to see. The school now sees the boy that we see at home as he is less inhibited. Our LAMDA classes were small and he went with a friend.

Time has also done its bit and he has grown in confidence as he has grown older. Your daughter will be a much more different person in a few years time in senior school, than she is now in year 6.

Another one with a quiet child too. We had all of that when he was younger. Not sure what I could do about it as I wasn't in the classroom with him. If I was in that situation again I'd be saying that I do lots of things with him to build his confidence and social skills: he played in a football team, did martial arts for years, and I did some things like always getting him to talk about his day to get him used to talking about himself. I'd also put it back on them and ask what they are doing to build his confidence in speaking in class.

He's never going to be an extrovert but he is quietly confident and teachers love him now! I'd say primary school teachers do tend to prefer extrovert children: they adored my other gobby child and that made me sad for my other son who's lovely too.

The "quiet" son of a friend did some sort of test in year 11 and one of the questions was whether he would swap his proposed career for being an int'l footballer. He said he wouldn't, and the school said it showed a lack of ambition and self-confidence. I thought the opposite, and said this to his parents. Int'l sportsmen often aren't happy and the fact that he knew what he wanted to be was a gesture of confidence, not the opposite. 5 years later he's blossomed, doing what he wanted, nice GF, etc....

I don’t get this either - it’s like it’s a terrible awful thing if they are quiet.