Anyone with a quiet child? - upset at what teacher has said at parents eve

[Afternooninthepark]

Dd is 10 and in year 6.
Tonight was her parents evening. Each year we are told that dd is very quiet which is fine not a shock as I know she is one of the quiet ones, the world is full of different personalities, we can’t all be loud and super confident.
However, tonight the teacher made a real issue about it. She told me she thought dd was too quiet, never participated and that she thought her self esteem was extremely low. She even went on to say that she thought if dd had her way ‘she would crouch into small ball and hide under the table’! She also suggested she should speak to the Relate counsellor??!!
I told the teacher this was a bit of shock to me. Dd is quiet but at home she is witty and funny, always happy, very very arty and creative, has a big love of animals and just a lovely, loving, kind & wonderful daughter.
She never says she hates school, always goes in happily and very rarely complains about much.
I’ve asked dd if she is happy at achool and she says she is and doesn’t understand why the teacher is saying this.
I’m upset and worried now. It’s as though the teacher thinks being quiet is a major flaw or that there is some underlying issue as to why she is quiet. And why on earth would she think that just because she is quiet that it means she has low self esteem??
Anyone else with a quiet child?

Our daughter was a quiet child, and at secondary school parents evening we had exactly these type of comments from one teacher. It was just the way she was, perfectly capable - but quite shy. By the time she went to college she seemed to have undergone a personality transformation and became more outgoing and 'loud'. She is successful in her career, married to a lovely chap and just about to have her first baby. Honestly, children develop at different rates and their personality is not necessarily fixed in Year 6. I wouldn't worry, as you say your daughter seems happy.

It sounds like the teacher has a problem. We can't all be loud, thank goodness. As long as your DD has friends, gets her work done on time and isn't being bullied then things should be pretty much all right.

Could it simply be a personality clash? Some seemingly confident louder people can't deal with quiet types - they don't know what they're thinking and it scares them. As a quiet person but with a strong personality I've met and clashed with a few of those.

Another parent of a year 9 child who has had this from reception onwards.

He’s bright, friendly, caring, has a really great group of friends (definitely NOT quiet around them!). It’s just in an educational environment he prefers to sit back and take it all in. If he’s got something to say, he’ll say it, but he just not one for getting involved if he’s happy to get on with the work.

It really winds DH up as he is similar. Every parents evening he comes away going ‘what is so wrong with being quiet?’

It would be good to talk in greater detail with your DD's teacher for a better understanding on both sides. If she's an experienced professional the fact that she's loud and outgoing shouldn't mean she doesn't recognise learning and social issues arising from being extremely quiet. There's nothing wrong with being quiet but in some situations it will hold you back and I say that as someone who was considered quiet and aloof (terribly misunderstood!) as a child.

The thing is none of us know your child and whether she's quiet but fine or needs a little support/encouragement. At secondary school she will have so many different teachers and possibly be in bigger classes where she might fade into the background more or, who knows, come out of her shell. If her primary teacher is the only teacher she has all week then that teacher should know her quite well. Stand up for your DD but be prepared to listen to the teacher's concerns.

My dd was very quiet and shy at school up until recently but the teachers have always been understanding and helpful. At home she is a little quiet and likes quite a bit of time to herself, but can also be quite loud and chatty. She has often said she finds speaking in front of groups scary. What has helped her is making a nice group of friends and her music. She loves to sing and has really gained confidence from performing.

One of mine (aged 15) is definitely an introvert, and parents evening is usually a very similar trot around the teachers who all say her achievement is excellent but she needs to contribute more in class.

Some things that have helped her with confidence to speak and find her voice have been having a great hobby where she gives mini-presentations and also working in a shop as a volunteer.

She hasn't done these things to become more confident- it's been a nice side-effect, but it has made a difference in her confidence in speaking up in class and also to do really quite scary things like speak in public.

I wouldn't want her to change her nature and she will always recharge by being alone and quiet, and she sometimes finds friends 'too much', but I also would hate for her to miss out for fear of drawing attention to herself/not having confidence. As many have said on here, it is possible to be quiet and confident- and unless the teacher has good reason to think there's a major problem, she sounds tactless.

Try not to dwell. One of mine said she'd never seen my quiet daughter smile in class. I was gutted. She is smiley at home though and now in school as well. These things aren't fixed. I think sometimes we give too much weight to what the teacher says, they are one person, who only sees them in very particular situations, with 29 others to think about. Try not to get too upset about it.

I was another quiet child, with every school report mentioning it. Some people are introverts! I still wouldn’t fancy having to answer questions in front of 30 people! I did presentations when I had to at uni but I’m never going to enjoy doing things like that.

I have just made an appointment to go and chat with the teacher as I really need to go over what she said. I feel that she was basically saying ‘I see your daughters introversion as a bad thing which will equate to her having low self esteem. Oh and by the way, she is so quiet that I forget she is even there and overlook her most of the time!’ That just can not be good teaching practise (and she is the SEN head!)
I’m going to look at Quiet and the TED talk.
Dd has a very close best friend and gets on well with the other children. We have a caravan and go away a lot during the summer, she never fails to make friends at the campsites. Whilst I appreciate dd has a quiet and gentle personality, I just don’t see this person the teacher is describing.
I agree that the extroverted world we seem to be living in now doesn’t seem to make space for the introverts yet they are the kind, caring, artistic, creative and thoughtful people of society, life would be harsh and rather dull without us. Dd may be quiet but she has a brain full of creativity and draws wonderful things but the teacher isn’t interested in that!

Sometimes I think the louder, more extrovert teachers will gravitate to and favour children with a similar personality. I have had this happen with my children being overlooked by various teachers.

I do think that if the more confident children were occasionally told to pipe down and give the others a chance, these sort of teachers would learn some amazing things from our quieter children.

Unfortunately the way of the world seems to be that whoever shouts the loudest gets noticed.

And thank you all for your replies. It’s good to know dd isn’t the only quiet one. The teacher made me feel that she is a wall flower amongst a class of roaring lions!!

My middle child is the most shy of all of mine.
She would not participate in class unless specifically called upon.

In Y2 I told her that if she put up her hand and answered a few questions correctly the teacher would stop calling on her because, for the most part, teachers are looking for those that don't understand and she was, generally, not one of them.

In Y3 she told me it was because she didn't like how everyone turned to look at her when answering a question. Mentioned this to the teacher who then put her in the back row and that made it more comfortable for her.

In Y5 the teacher was pushing - a bit you like you mention. I told them that they had to accept that not everyone is the same, she doesn't like attention being drawn to her and you can't expect them all to function the same. I also said that if they wanted her to do something just tell her and she will do it (and well enough) but she will never volunteer and will say no if given the choice.

All through secondary school it's been a recurring theme - she won't participate in class discussions, doesn't put her hand up, won't ask questions. We've reacted with "oh" and "don't expect any different" as that's her nature.

However, doing ballet and tap/modern shows has made a huge difference to her. Also, helping out at the the dance school with the younger ones for lessons and easter/summer schools boosted her confidence. She also started doing drama (outside of school) and we watched with our jaws on the floor when in less than 6 months she was performing to an unknown audience (instead of parents) and did a small solo piece !!

Your daughter will get there with encouragement and a bit of cajoling at time. You are her advocate so I would suggest that you think about how best to do that for her when confronted with information like the teacher gave you. I'm rather bolshy and I just shut them down with 'they can't all be the same' and remind them that they only see part of their character at school.

Look. There is "perfectly ok" quietness and there is "problematic" quietness.
Ok quietness are those children who are introverted. They may not enjoy group work particularly but they can make a contribution especially if given time and space. They may not out their hand up that often but are capable of giving extended, thoughtful answers in a smaller setting or when called on by the teacher. They have a small group of friends and show evidence of proper reciprocity in those friendships (eg they text to see if they have homework, chat online etc). If they have a problem, they put their hand up. They can approach the teacher for clarification or to ask for the toilet etc.

Then there are children where the quietness is problematic. They are unable to contribute and unable to answer fully. If forced, you may get a very brief answer. They often don't manage social relationships as their inhibition prevents them initiating anything. If they don't know what to do they just sit there waiting to be noticed. This IS problematic and far too many of these children have their communication needs overlooked precisely because the only people they cause a problem to is themselves.

This latter is selective Mutism and it can cause huge problems if it continues to adulthood. Please find out more about which category your daughter is in. If she is in the latter category, then you have cause to be exceptionally grateful to this teacher.

I don't have a quiet child (my toddler is like a whirlwind!) but I was one.

Really quiet.

Teachers always said I was "too quiet" didn't participate, low self esteem, wouldn't get anywhere with "that attitude"

was bollocks. Am 23 now, absolutely fine, self esteem fine, have nice fiancé, lovely toddler, v good job and decent wage. No confidence issues.

Do/did have a little anxiety but honestly don't think that was at all related to being quiet.

I have a girl like your daughter - witty and funny at home and quiet at school. And yes I'm sorry she does have self esteem issues. Do you not think its unusual that your daughter is witty and funny at home but then not herself at school? I think you are overthinking this though - the teacher is taking the time to tell you she thinks your daughter would benefit from learning how to improve her self esteem and confidence so she can be herself in all situations - invaluable skills everyone should have. I am doing this for my daughter - she was happy at school but she is much happier now feeling she can always be herself. You have asked your daughter if she is happy at school - but have your asked her what is she thinking when she is in the classroom with this teacher? There must be a reason the teacher thinks she feels like she wants to curl up into a ball!

Every parents evening we get this comment. My son is quiet but he is also considered, he thinks about what he says. He has never been a shouter outer, even when he knows the answer. We have had a few teachers who get this and actually say they do not see it as a disadvantage. He has got more confident over the years and does speak up more, but has done it at his own pace.One teacher said to me people listen to DS as when he speaks up in class it is because he has something worth saying.

We get similar things said about DD. Shes extremely shy when surrounded by people and prefers to do her own thing. She has always been this way. The nursery staff who had her for a few years know this, her old teacher knows this. After her usual teacher went on maternity leave though, the teacher who took over keeps trying to pressure us to take her to speech therapy because she rarely speaks. At home she never shuts up. And has no issues at all forming words or being understood. She will answer questions in class sometimes, but does not just go to chat to the teacher, which is apparently a problem!

I was the quiet child at school too and teachers were always remarking on it to my parents as being a problem, which made me feel bad. I did lack self-confidence but no amount of counselling or other intervention would have made me any different, though it would have made me all the more self-consious, I believe, so I'm glad it wasn't the norm in those days to do such interventions. I did very well academically at school and as an adult I am neither quiet nor shy. Don't let this teacher pathologise your DD.

Another angle on this- I teach at a university and I am quite shocked sometimes by how poor most of the students are at articulating themselves in seminars or doing mini-presentations. Quite a few of them have recognized issues with anxiety, but many of the others are really poor for no discernible reason. They mumble, clearly haven't practiced, trail their sentences off. The females are particularly bad at this, with a few exceptions who are very articulate (and noticeably so against the majority).

I do wonder how they got through school without having really practiced speaking at all. The trouble is if they don't get any practice in primary, allowed not to speak in secondary, by the time they get to uni, it's a huge big deal (and many of those with anxiety cannot cope with it at all and we are requested never to ask them anything directly, which might help their anxiety but isn't helping with their preparation for the world at all). Most jobs require some social interaction, even in STEM/IT people need to exchange information, discuss problems, work in teams and so on.

I am not sure we have got this right. I don't like the default idea that extroverts are better because they are more confident, there's nothing intrinsically better about an extrovert's thoughts. However, if the introversion/quietness is to the extent that they cannot speak/get massively anxious in social situations, this is a bit of a problem. This is especially so for women if they go into the workplace under-confident in their abilities in this area.

Women not speaking up and the room being dominated by male, often older, professors is a big issue in academia as well. It's what research shows is the case, it's not just a perception thing.

Funnily enough I was thinking about teachers and quiet children this morning. Two years ago, dd1's maths teacher was very concerned that she was too quiet, didn't ask questions, didn't put up her hand etc. At this point we're talking about a 16 year old who was very well thought of by all her teachers. All said she was quiet, but it was just who she was. For this particular teacher though it was a huge issue for some reason. She always hated him which didn't help I suppose, but also, and most importantly, she had no issues to ask for help with. I was so very cross with this belligerent arsehole though. He teaches so many kids surely by now he'd have realised that you can't make an introvert into an extrovert? It's dd2s parents evening tomorrow and I really want find him and point out that the quiet child who should have asked for extra help will (A levels permitting) be starting a medical degree in September.

I guess my point is that quiet kids can be awesome, just as loud ones can be, and as has been said, if the teacher is an extrovert then she may find quieter kids a challenge.

The teacher sounds annoying. Diagnosing self esteem issues? Your daughter shows no sign of that. I too think quietness, listening and responsiveness are vastly underrated.

However, I do have a relation who is always quiet in class, and the reason is that she refuses to engage with anyone outside of a her chosen few. She would rather go hungry than order food for herself and gets friends to do it, now age 18. Her teachers always commented, and her parents defended her. However she never spoke to me either, because I wasn’t her chosen ones. That was a problem that the parents ignored, until she hit 18 and wouldn’t even take a taxi in case they spoke to her. She’s getting counseling now which helps, but it pays to just double check yourself.

This teacher sounds annoying - but is your child only engaging when there’s something in it for her? That’s different from just being quiet. It’s a social skill, speaking occasionally with others, to be polite, to have some empathy with others. Just a thought.

I was very quiet at school (not at home!) Looking back I think I was (and am!) anxious. It's just how I'm built. Now I'm pretty confident at work and at home and have a lovely life. Still anxious but I've learned to manage it.

I do think quietness often goes with anxiety, so it might be worth looking into something like mindfulness or journalling if you think your DD would enjoy those. I did feel my anxiety held me back from some things as I got older and had to work on overcoming it - though I'm not sure that somebody else pushing me to do that would have been helpful. The way the teacher expressed it doesn't sound very constructive either - it may be that they just don't click.

Another lovely resource for Introverts is Introvert Doodles on Instagram.

She's labelled as The quiet child so she's living up to it.

It’s a tough one. I am also a quiet person but it’s never held me back. Some people really struggle with shyness and confidence levels. Also worth noting that who a child is at home and who they are at school can be vastly different. You don’t witness how she is at school so it’s difficult to know whether the teacher is massively off here or not.

Not had time to read all thread. From my own experience I do think not participating is something to watch out for. If you had asked me at age 10 I would have said I liked school. But I was quiet at school and was to self-conscious to participate and I do think this has held me back in life. I struggled to have the self assurance to make my voice heard in meetings or to assert myself at work. I wish my school had noticed me and helped me to work on this. Because I was quiet and got good grades and wasn't a bother I was just ignored. So in a way it is good that your teacher has noticed.

There is a difference between just not being an extrovert and not being able to own your own voice and opinions in a group you feel completely at ease with. If your daughter is the latter she may need support to work on this.