Anyone with a quiet child? - upset at what teacher has said at parents eve

[Afternooninthepark]

Dd is 10 and in year 6.
Tonight was her parents evening. Each year we are told that dd is very quiet which is fine not a shock as I know she is one of the quiet ones, the world is full of different personalities, we can’t all be loud and super confident.
However, tonight the teacher made a real issue about it. She told me she thought dd was too quiet, never participated and that she thought her self esteem was extremely low. She even went on to say that she thought if dd had her way ‘she would crouch into small ball and hide under the table’! She also suggested she should speak to the Relate counsellor??!!
I told the teacher this was a bit of shock to me. Dd is quiet but at home she is witty and funny, always happy, very very arty and creative, has a big love of animals and just a lovely, loving, kind & wonderful daughter.
She never says she hates school, always goes in happily and very rarely complains about much.
I’ve asked dd if she is happy at achool and she says she is and doesn’t understand why the teacher is saying this.
I’m upset and worried now. It’s as though the teacher thinks being quiet is a major flaw or that there is some underlying issue as to why she is quiet. And why on earth would she think that just because she is quiet that it means she has low self esteem??
Anyone else with a quiet child?

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

I’ve got a quiet one in year 10 and we have heard “he’s very quiet, he need to speak in class more” at every parents eve since Reception! I was like that myself so understand how he feels in school surrounded by loud mouthed extraverts. Some people are just naturally quiet as you say and it’s important that you reassure her there is nothing wrong with that at all. Most teachers understand this. It’s a poor teacher that doesn’t. I hope you set the teacher right. It can remove a chikd’s Confidence completely if they don’t feel accepted for who they are.

The reason teachers don’t like a quiet child is because it makes it difficult for them to gauge their understanding if they never volunteer an answer. A few staff (fab ones) have told us this (not in a horrible way, just to point out that it does make it harder to assess understanding). Again, the best teachers will use alternative techniques such as gentle encouraging a child to answer a question if they (the teacher) thinks the child knows the answer (and if they know their pupils properly they will).

[converseandjeans]

Snap - my DD is exactly as you have described yours. Smiley and sociable at home & makes us laugh but quite shy and on the edge of things at school. Loves animals and reading and drawing.
None of her teachers have said it's a problem. I wouldn't worry too much about it - I think if they are outgoing and confident perhaps they just don't 'get' her.
I'm a teacher and do sometimes comment if a student is quiet - but don't think I would say something that direct. More 'it would be nice to see xx putting their hand up a bit more'
I worry about DD as she is not sociable. I am hoping she will come into her own later on.

[Dancingdreamer]

Have you read the book Quiet by Susan Cain? It’s all about the power of introverts in an extrovert world. I would give this teacher a copy. It may help her understand how to see your child through a different lens. It may also help her to be a better teacher by respecting the different needs and advantages of quieter children.

[DuffBeer]

It sounds like the teacher was being overly dramatic. There was no need for the Relate comment. As for hiding under the table - ridiculous.

I'm sure your daughter is thoughtful and considers how she makes other people feel before opening her mouth. Something that this teacher clearly lacks.

[MoBiroBo]

Ds1 is in year 11 and we had this for years. I told them he is introvert not shy, he would raise his hand if he needed help, he clearly understands the work, his grades are great, his attitude to learning is great, his school reports are glowing he just doesn't like speaking in class in front of 29 other children. Small groups, fine, large groups, no.

The teachers at secondary say it is nice to hear lots of opinions in class rather than the same ones again and again. So it was agreed with most teachers that he would try to raise his hand and that he wouldn't be called on unless his hand was raised.

He is now a much more confident and outgoing person, because he was allowed to develop at his own pace with a great teaching staff understanding his difficulties.

Susan Cain also does a TED talk on YouTube about introverts. I am one too.

The curling up into a ball statement is over stepping the line IMO. Lots of teachers who think nothing of standing up in front of a class or an assembly with hundreds of children don't understand introvert behaviour. Your daughter sounds lovely.

[EduCated]

Me and my DM used to joke that I wasn’t quiet, I just didn’t say very much. When I wanted to speak up, I would do so quite comfortably, but I was never really a chatterbox and always enjoyed my own company.

If your DD is happy and can comfortably speak up when something is concerning her, then I really wouldn’t worry too much!

[cannycat20]

I too was the quiet, sensitive child, and am still a pretty quiet adult, despite being a trained teacher and having had lots of customer facing roles.

It didn't stop me living overseas or having a good career for many years or from making lots of good friends once I was in an environment that suited me where I felt safe and comfortable and that I wouldn't be laughed at or criticised or belittled for just being me. And over the years I've learned to pretend I'm confident in certain situations, though it exhausts me and most of the time I'd rather be at home with the cats and a cup of tea.

Overblown extroverts who love the sound of their own and other people's endlessly yattering yakkiness really exasperate me. I've met a lot of them in my life in the form of jolly hockey sticks PE teachers and managers, class and office clowns, nightclub-loving-gals-and-guys, over-the-top soldiers, and the like.

I'm one of those people who works better in one-to-one relationships, because then it is harder for people to hide who they truly are.

Many, many writers and artists, for instance, are very quiet, and actually a surprising number of actors are very shy off stage or screen. Besides, if everybody was an extrovert, who would listen to them drone on and worship at their feet? What's that saying about empty vessels making the most noise again??

I think the book someone refers to up-thread might be "Quiet Power: The Secret Strengths of Introverted Kids" by Susan Cain. She also wrote "Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking".

www.learning-mind.com/the-quiet-one/ might also be a useful website for you.

We live in a culture where being over the top and noisy is, unfortunately, valued over being quiet, observant and contemplative, but there are plenty of other cultures where the reverse is true.

(And you know, the teacher might want to have a serious think about a) her classroom management style and b) the fact that if, as she claims, your daughter just wants to curl up into a porcupine-like ball whenever she comes near her, why is that, exactly?!)

It also sounds as if the teacher might benefit from brushing up on her Myers-Briggs, Enneagram, Belbin Team Roles, and some of the more recent stuff like Insights, www.insights.com/products/insights-discovery/

We did the last one in one of my workplaces and we all got so much out of it we were talking about it for weeks afterwards. It made me and my then deputy really understand why, although we liked one another and respected one another, there were times when we drove one another up the wall. The full insights thing has a cost, but they do have a fun free quiz on the site.

All the best to you and your daughter.

[PissOffPeppa]

I was the quiet child and had that speech at every meeting. In my case, I had crippling anxiety from a very young age and I wish my mum had taken it seriously to save me a world of trouble once I hit my teens/ twenties.

However, if your daughter is perfectly happy and just introverted, then keep doing what you’re doing. You know her best and you know what’s best for her.

[SweetMarmalade]

I think there’s nothing wrong with being a quiet child.

I sometimes envy the parents of quiet children. Ds is the complete opposite but just to add, he’s not ‘loud, brash or vacuous’. He’s a complete softy and looks out for his friends, one of his very good friends is the total opposite to him and they get along so well. I think Ds brings his friend out of his shell and said friend calms my chatty Ds.

Ds is kind and considerate and just because he appears confident, he very often isn’t.

[LazyLizzy]

My DD was a quiet child. Teachers said she never put her hand up, was incredibly shy. I always worried about her.

OMG she is a gob on a stick!! Does not shut up. She has a great job, confident enough to put her ideas forward and will stand up to any unfairness.
They change so much when they reach mid teens so try not to worry.

[MsAwesomeDragon]

I was the quiet child at school, barely spoke but was pretty happy. Is never held me back at all, have plenty of friends, have a good job, people would never believe how quiet I was if they meet me now.

Dd1 was a quiet child too. In her case it WAS actually a problem. And I didn't recognise it because I was fixated on her being like me and I didn't have a problem. I learnt how to speak to people confidently, etc so she would too. Except she didn't. She's now at uni and is finding it all extremely stressful, not academically but socially. I wish I'd got her some counselling when she was younger, before it grew into this huge issue.

Dd2 is also quiet. By the time she got to junior school they had small groups doing confidence building and she was invited to join this group in year 3. She didn't seem to me to have a problem beforehand, but it was remarkable the difference it made anyway. I'm keeping an eye on her progress anyway so I can get her some help at the first sign of an issue, while it's still relatively easy to sort it out.

So my advice is to keep an eye on her. Maybe let her go to the counsellor and see if it can make a difference to her confidence in speaking in front of the class. Even naturally quiet people need to have social skills and the confidence to speak when necessary. So going to the counseling won't do any harm and may well do some good. I wish I'd had the offer of this sort of thing when dd1 was younger.

[Afternooninthepark]

dancing I haven’t read that book, will definitely get that,

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

Most introverted people grow in confidence once they find their place in life/career etc, when they can use their natural skills and abilities and see that they can achieve just as easily being “quiet” and reflective in a job that demands great concentration or observation skills as an extravert can in a job that demands very good social skills.

Introverts often feel more comfortable in small groups. It’s not often that as an adult you have to work and speak directly in a group of 30, anyway. Most adults are on much smaller teams.

Presentation skills can be learned and practiced and most adults will be listened to properly in a workplace instead of other kids sniggering or whispering like they might in secondary school.

Sorry, just rambling really. There are a lot of introverts on here, they are very interesting people! Better than a loudmouth limelight hogging blagger any day!

[Zerrin13]

OP Don't worry about your Daughter. She sounds absolutely normal and just lovely. There is nothing wrong with your quiet, calm girl.

[ItJustKeepsGettingBetter]

I have a very quiet DD (11) who barely speaks at school but talks incessantly at home. Has been labelled shy' at school when she isn't - she's just choosy about who she wants to speak to and when! Several teachers have seen this as a problem over the years and tried to cure' her of it. I, on the other hand, value that quality in her and encourage her to be herself - she doesn't need to change how loud she is or isn't, she just needs to be herself. As I say, the world needs quiet children like her to balance out the noisy.

[ChesterGreySideboard]

I agree with Guinea. People who are extroverts simply cannot understand that being an introvert is ok and normal. They always assume something is wrong.

[HennyPennyHorror]

I have a quiet DD too. She's 14 now and I've found some teachers just aren't as good as others with quiet kids.

I had one suggest DD was Autistic because "she never speaks to me"
She isn't autistic and she never spoke to you Mrs Gobby, because you're shouty and sarcastic so you made her uncomfortable.

Since she's gone to high school, she's come out of her shell a LOT.

[over50andfab]

My DD2 was quiet. I was told this by her teachers - it became a guessing game on how many of them used the work quiet to describe her at senior school parents evenings. I used to think it was a problem and asked her why she didn’t speak up in class. Her reply - she wanted to hear what the other kids had to say. Thing is, she’s very intelligent and was paying attention. Eventually I started asking the teachers if it was a problem...it was’t.

Btw she’s finishing uni this year and although not noisy, is certainly not quiet at all - will always stand up for what she believes in.

OP next time a teacher calls your DD quiet, ask if that is a problem, is she paying attention, should you be worried and if so, why.

[Bookworm01]

I was quiet at school, as dd is now. I say to teachers what DM said about me: I don't care that she's quiet. As long as she's happy, and learning well, I have no problems.

Dd is in top sets for maths and science and enjoys most other subjects. She is doing well. I have her first secondary school parents evening soon. If they start with: so Bookworm Jnr is very quiet! I say, yes but is she happy and meeting targets? I hope to shut them up. I don't understand why not putting g a hand up in class matters.

[WaxOnFeckOff]

We had this with DS1, he was being bullied and wouldn't tell anyone. He is thought to be borderline for aspergers but still not sure...

He's 18 and at Uni, still quiet, didn't want to move away, has social anxiety, and whilst he was funny and chatty at home when he was younger, now even we struggle to have a conversation with him. It's honestly painful and breaks my heart at the same time.

Not saying your DD will be the same, but I'd try anything while she is still this young to try to get her to be more comfortable socially. She can still be quiet but confident that she can talk out when she wants to.

[aliceelizaloves]

My children are preschoolers but I was very quiet as a child. It didn't hold me back academically and I got good exam results and went on to uni and a good job. I was also very happy at school and had a lot of friends. The teachers did always make a thing about it though and I remember not liking my parents going to parents evening because all of the teachers commented on how quiet I was. I feel teachers do seem to favour louder, more extrovert personalities and worry my children will be quiet like I was.

[Afternooninthepark]

I really think dd is just happily introverted, she is different from my 13 year old ds, he is much more cocky at school and not so introverted but suffers from anxiety for which he has had counselling, I do see a difference in their personalities and I don’t see the same kind of anxiety ds suffers from, she is quite happy go lucky but just quiet. She is very good at her art and I know many artists are introverts. Just wish the teacher could see that side of her!

[Squeezle]

Parent of a quiet child here. Ever single parents evening the same comments. I now pre empt that conversation, or shut it down if it starts.
Answers when you ask him directly. Makes thoughtful comments rather than plentiful comments. I'm not worried. I was the same when younger and have no problems now.

[Afternooninthepark]

Thank you all for putting my mind at ease. I came out of the school this evening with tears in my eyes. I know being an introvert is not a bad thing, like I say, I’m one myself and have a great life but that teacher really shocked me with the low self esteem thing.
Oh and another thing she said which has pissed me off now I’m thinking about it was that once a week she writes in dd’s reading book that dd has had a good week. But at parents eve she actually said that she writes that but in all honesty, as dd is so quite and gets overlooked that, tbh she’s not really sure if she’s had a good week or not!!!