Anyone with a quiet child? - upset at what teacher has said at parents eve

[Afternooninthepark]

Dd is 10 and in year 6.
Tonight was her parents evening. Each year we are told that dd is very quiet which is fine not a shock as I know she is one of the quiet ones, the world is full of different personalities, we can’t all be loud and super confident.
However, tonight the teacher made a real issue about it. She told me she thought dd was too quiet, never participated and that she thought her self esteem was extremely low. She even went on to say that she thought if dd had her way ‘she would crouch into small ball and hide under the table’! She also suggested she should speak to the Relate counsellor??!!
I told the teacher this was a bit of shock to me. Dd is quiet but at home she is witty and funny, always happy, very very arty and creative, has a big love of animals and just a lovely, loving, kind & wonderful daughter.
She never says she hates school, always goes in happily and very rarely complains about much.
I’ve asked dd if she is happy at achool and she says she is and doesn’t understand why the teacher is saying this.
I’m upset and worried now. It’s as though the teacher thinks being quiet is a major flaw or that there is some underlying issue as to why she is quiet. And why on earth would she think that just because she is quiet that it means she has low self esteem??
Anyone else with a quiet child?

My son is younger but I get the same feedback about him. He is a very quiet boy, and not a contributor but he understands and progresses. My daughter is an extrovert and her life is easier: for his own sake I would like him to be confident as it makes for an easier future. But like you, I do resent that this is seen as an issue or a problem- everyone can't be the same.

Thanks all. I’ve calmed down a bit from the other day but I’m still going in to talk over a few of the things she said. I’m still reeling from the fact she thinks that dd has very low self esteem, I just see that she is introverted which is a simple personality trait but this teacher is seeing something which could possibly lead to a mental health problem which is a whole different thing, I need her to clarify exactly what she meant.

Is she an only child op? My friend has a very quiet singleton and is encouraging her to take part in clubs etc to prepare her for secondary school.
The teacher wasn't very pleasant, I agree but as a teacher, it is extremely frustrating not to get anything from a child and she is simply making suggestions to help your child.

I think loud and extroverted people don't get quiet people (and vice versa).

I'm sometimes told I'm quiet but I'm very confident, articulate and an excellent observer of people and judge of character. If I don't have anything to say I won't. But when I have something to say, I do and it's always considered. I might not be the life of the party but I'm the one people come to for trusted advice or to spend quality one on one time with.

My personality type is something that can make extroverts VERY uncomfortable. I don't spout shit, say meaningless things or feel the need to fill a silence with fake laughter. I think they feel like they are being 'shown up' somehow as vacuous or shallow; or perhaps they think you might know something they don't.

Anyway the point I'm making is that it probably says more about the teacher's personality type than your daughter's so try not to worry. And the louder someone is, the more introverted quiet people become so she's probably even quieter than usual around someone like that.

Whilst the teacher may have been OTT and you obviously don't her assessment that your DD lacks self-confidence, do you think there may be some areas where she has a point that things could be better? It is fine to be quiet, even shy, absolutely nothing wrong with that and it wouldn't be great if everyone was the same. I'm not suggesting the teacher was 100% right in what she said (and the way she said it doesn't seem particularly sympathetic), or that there is something "wrong" with your daughter's personality because I don't think that's the case.

However, if your DD rarely offers an opinion or contributes to class discussions, or perhaps doesn't contribute fully to group work then I think that is something which needs to be addressed as it is a skill she does need to learn.

In the meeting, I would be inclined to turn it around and make it the teacher's problem. If she thinks dd is too quiet and never participates in class, what is she doing to address this? What steps is she taking to encourage dd to participate?

Ditto the comment about self esteem. If it is an issue which could possibly lead to a mental health problems, what support can the school offer to overcome it?

To quote Morrissey - shyness is nice and shyness can stop you from doing all the things in life you’d like to
Nothing wrong in helping her come out of her shell a little.

@Iggi999 👏🏼
I always think of this line when teaching my DD to out of her shell in little ways too!

OP your post this morning sounds very measured and whilst cautious, open to discussion. The perfect mind set for meeting the teacher!

It's probably worth bearing in mind the teacher may be hearing "very low self esteem " as buzz words (note: I'm not minimising this where it goes exist) more now so is maybe misreading the situation.

Hope it goes well x

You could complain to the head. Say what you have put in your post, as you make a good point
Try not to worry
Everything will work out. .

I’m a teacher and a parent of a very quiet DD. Some children are naturally that way and there is nothing wrong with it. There’s nothing wrong with their self esteem and that’s a nonsense to say that. I feel quite cross on your behalf. My DD is now in Year 8. She has a good group of friends and is happy in school. She is quiet in class, hardworking, but won’t put herself forward or willingly participate in discussions. That’s just her and that’s okay.

As a teacher I recognise that all children are different and I would never force a pupil to participate in a way they felt uncomfortable with. There are many other strategies the teacher could be using but to suggest just because she’s quiet she needs counselling is OTT in my opinion.

Nobody ever says that extroverts need psychological help. Researchers estimate extroverts make up 50 - 74 percent of the population.

As a quiet person I find extroverts annoying. I dislike parties and socialising. Should I go to my GP and tell him I need counselling for that?

I have never “missed out” on anything due to to introversion. I’ve travelled the world, have a degree and a good job that gasps requires me to interact with others and sometimes run training courses!

I don’t really like people but for a few hours at a time I can interact with colleagues at work.

Looking at what people from my primary school are doing (I went to a selective private secondary school) the children who were louder and more disruptive have a lower educational attainment and work in unskilled jobs. The quiet, studious children have grown up to largely work in professional roles.

I’ve just watched Susan Cain’s Quiet Ted Talk, very interesting and watching this has made me feel so much better. I shall make a suggestion that the teacher watches it too!
Good to hear that many of my fellow introverts out there have grown up to have happy, contented lives. Obviously, that’s all I wish for and hope for my children.

I have a child in year 2 and her teacher said the same thing. I was annoyed when her teacher indicated that maybe she’s quiet because she’s ‘sad’ I spoke openly and said she’s happy she has friends she’s just not as chatty as other children. I did ask my daughter if anything was bothering her at school or anything and she said no she was upset that her TA kept asking her why she’s ‘sad’ and it upset her because she said ‘what’s wrong with my face mummy? Do I just look sad?’ I was annoyed at the TA as you shouldn’t really out words into children’s mouths etc she’s not a safeguarding lead. If anything she should have left it as how are you feeling? If anything this has made my daughter more wary and self conscious of how she looks and her mannerisms.

I havent RTFT but this reminds me of a story about my neice when she was about that age. My sister (DN's aunt) coached DN on a team and in the changing room one of the parents went on and on about how incredibly shy DN is because she's always so quiet. When the parent left, DN told DSis "That was weird. I'm not shy I just don't like talking to them."

She is a clever, creative and funny adult now but doesn't waste words.

Yup. My 5yo isn't shy, just doesn't like talking to certain people.

This thread is fab.

I was the quiet child at school. Every teacher report said the same thing. They moan when you are quiet and they moan if you are loud, you really can't win. At home and around people I am comfortable with I am the opposite and very talkative and a little crazy haha. At primary school I was bullied so that didn't help with me being quiet in class but even at secondary school when I had friends I was still called quiet. It's called behaving and respecting the teacher as far as I'm concerned. Like I said, you can't win 🤷‍♀️ don't pay any attention to them. Sounds like you have a great, mature daughter

I was very quiet at school and wouldn't ask for help if I needed it. If I'd been more confident I would have done a lot better. If there's something that would help encourage kids to speak up more at school I'd go for it

I got the same thing through school too (although none of my teachers ever spoke of low self esteem!) every one of my primary school reports mentions that I was a very quiet pupil. I’ve always been an introvert but I am not shy, like many of you I am absolutely fine one to one or in small groups but I just don’t enjoy being in large groups or around very loud, extroverted people. It overpowers my senses. I love people but just in small doses!! I do find that many extroverts are just a bit too ott for my personality especially the ones who talk non stop about themselves and never once ask you a single question about you or your life (they are the ones I always seem to bump into on my dog walks for some reason!!). Anyhow, dd is obviously similar to me (ds and dh are a bit less introverted), she’s not shy though and certainly not lacking in self esteem.

I teach primary school age children. While there is nothing wrong with being quiet, it can be the case that a child is cripplingly so. And I also say this from the point of view of a mum of a very shy child.

I have had kids in my class who literally refuse to say a word, even when directly asked, and who won't join in with any activities where they have to work with others etc. That sort of introvert ism seriously hampers their ability to learn and gain life skills. Learning to communicate and teamwork ING skills are really vital in life.

With my own very bright but very shy daughter I worry that she will fail to achieve her potential because she doesn't have the confidence to say what she thinks and gets overruled by people not as clever but louder than her. Also that teachers will not realise how capable she is because she never puts her hand up. Therefore I sometimes push her gently to do something out of her comfort zone, eg speaking in front of a group of people, in order to improve her self confidence.

In short, the teacher may be being somewhat unfair and doesn't understand introverts. But if you can work with her to improve your child's confidence then I would do so.

Also how you perceive your own child maybe very different to how she is at school. I am always surprised when I see both my daughters in a school or other situation when they are out of their comfort zone. They are much more shy and I'm-confident than I expect.

As a languages teacher, I have often remarked that a child may be quiet and so doesn't contribute much but, I've always emphasised that that is ok as long as they try in talking tasks. Quiet is sometimes a very good thing, it means you're less likely to bug your classmates!

I was a quiet child in class. Perfectly confident in myself but just liked to think about things and mull things over rather than vocalise them. Every year my mum was told I was quiet like it was a negative thing. I was top of the class at most subjects, was nice so didn’t have any enemies, polite etc so it was almost as if the teachers felt they had to find something ‘wrong’ but I don’t think they realised the affect of this.

I was always annoyed that mum never stood up for me because I tell you something, years of being told I was too quiet did start to negatively affect my confidence. I went from being happy to read a book to the class to being a nervous wreck if I had to. I started to feel that I was not good enough because I wasn’t an extrovert.

I think society is set up like this, it’s seen as desirable to want to be famous, to post selfies for likes etc. I wish being quiet wasn’t seen as a positive or negative attribute. I’ve never been told either of my DDs are too quiet as yet but I shall definitely be challenging it if I am.

I haven't read everything but it is interesting to read the stories of others.

DD is an introvert and forms firm bonds with a few people who are also usually quiet children. She hates secondary school, it's too loud, too big and everyone falls far short of her high expectations of behaviour. She is quite bright and has often surprised her teachers by coming top of the class as she puts her head down and seeks deep understanding rather than racing ahead with good enough knowledge.

I have been into talk to a few people school and have been met with a range of responses. Fellow introverts totally get it when it's pointed out and they see that their aim to deliver fun high octane classes to entertain their students does neglect the needs of the quieter children who can't stand the constant noise and have no where to retreat to. Explaining to some that getting introverts to raise this at the school council and that the quiet areas which are mostly quiet, just usual student banter, was spectacularly missing the point. Interverts do not want to learn how to cope or to learn to be more E and less I. They want the extroverts to learn to read the signals and simply STFU once in a while.

It helps my daughter that her teachers know she needs a quieter environment but she would be happier and more productive in a smaller school with like minded children. Sadly, the one other option locally won't do as they don't have a girls football team and DD is the happiest she ever is when she is on the football pitch with her team mates.

I am still not sure I won't move her but we do talk about it a lot. She did have some sessions with a psychologist a few years ago when she was hating school and she did learn to accept different perspectives and see that her viewpoint was just as valid as others even if it was not widely held.

There is plenty of space in the world for introverts, they are just less obvious and their voices are quieter.