Anyone with a quiet child? - upset at what teacher has said at parents eve

[Afternooninthepark]

Dd is 10 and in year 6.
Tonight was her parents evening. Each year we are told that dd is very quiet which is fine not a shock as I know she is one of the quiet ones, the world is full of different personalities, we can’t all be loud and super confident.
However, tonight the teacher made a real issue about it. She told me she thought dd was too quiet, never participated and that she thought her self esteem was extremely low. She even went on to say that she thought if dd had her way ‘she would crouch into small ball and hide under the table’! She also suggested she should speak to the Relate counsellor??!!
I told the teacher this was a bit of shock to me. Dd is quiet but at home she is witty and funny, always happy, very very arty and creative, has a big love of animals and just a lovely, loving, kind & wonderful daughter.
She never says she hates school, always goes in happily and very rarely complains about much.
I’ve asked dd if she is happy at achool and she says she is and doesn’t understand why the teacher is saying this.
I’m upset and worried now. It’s as though the teacher thinks being quiet is a major flaw or that there is some underlying issue as to why she is quiet. And why on earth would she think that just because she is quiet that it means she has low self esteem??
Anyone else with a quiet child?

[Gone4Good]

I take issue with this;
Most introverted people grow in confidence once they find their place in life/career etc, when they can use their natural skills and abilities and see that they can achieve just as easily being “quiet” and reflective in a job that demands great concentration or observation skills as an extravert can in a job that demands very good social skills

I am an introvert and have never lacked confidence. I have always been very confident about my capabilities and have very good social skills. I am very perceptive (in RL) of other people. I just prefer my own company and my own thoughts instead of listening to people who talk because they love the sound of their own voices.

Extraverts are the ones lacking social skills because they are too busy yapping that they ignore other people's body language and tone. They are simply enjoying themselves too much, recharging their shallow batteries at other people's expense, they don't notice or care if they are annoying the hell out of others.

[CockapooMum]

Just wanted to add if they really don't speak at school at all and it has become an issue it may be worth considering if they have Selective Mutism. My 16 yr old dd has it and it has crippled her school years. She had an oral exam today but was unable to do it as although she wants to talk the words won't come out and she's frozen. School are applying to the exam board for special consideration as a way round it. It may not be the case here but thought I would add it as not seen it mentioned and possibly could be an issue for one or two on the thread. For more info on it look up SMIRA. They may just be introvert but may be worth considering selective mutism

[floribunda18]

Loud people are often the less secure and less confident ones, IME. Loudness is a show put on to hide deep-seated insecurity. Quite people are often content with themselves and the world, and just have no need to shout about things.

[floribunda18]

quiet

[Onceuponacheesecake]

It's just something to think about op. I was very quiet at school despite being chatty at home. I didn't like taking at school though because I didn't think I had anything to say that people would find interesting (low self esteem) it caused massive problems with making friends once I started secondary school that impacted me for a long time. I think her teacher is just concerned. You know her best, is she an introvert or is she lacking confidence at school? Does she have friends,?

[twoheaped]

I had this with my elder dd and still get it with my younger dd.
My stock return is - do you really want a class full of loud, gobby children?

I was most annoyed when my elder dd had her attitude to learning mark reduced by the science because she was quiet.
Being quiet didn't do her any harm, she left with a great set of GCSE results.

[Nautiloid]

I have a slightly different perspective because I was a very quiet child at that age and my self-esteem WAS very low.
My parents didn't realise that, my teachers did - one used the word 'self-effacing' when I was in 6th form but I just took it as another criticism, when that wasn't the intent.
Only when I was an adult did I realise.
Now I am talking about me and this very possibly isn't relevant to your DD in the slightest, but I wanted to put the idea out there.

[MutantDisco]

I tell quiet children at parents' evening that they're 'quietly confident' and that I admire their ability to keep their counsel I've always envied introverts, I think being enigmatic is underrated...

[SalemShadow]

Is she a reluctant talker? It's an anxiety issue and my child has it and has had sessions at school to build up how confidence. He is like a different person after 6 months. I think you ought to take this seriously instead if just defaulting to being offended!

[bodiddly]

I think that the teacher is right to raise this issue but perhaps not in the manner they did. Through my work I have seen a number of teens and adults who were "quiet" in school and the parents didn't see it as an issue or listen to what the school were saying. In SOME cases and I'm obviously not talking about every shy, quiet child, they have ended up coming to see me with a whole heap of issues. Many parents hear "quiet" and think that's just their way and that they are fine at home so there can't be a problem but teachers usually raise an issue for a reason - they see this as a problem. Unfortunately, in many of the cases I have seen the problem is actually crippling by the time they reach gcse/a level/college age. An inability to even put their hand up in class, ask questions, read out loud in front of class, go to a shop alone, walk into a sixth form common room as a new year 12 for the first time.

If there is a real problem they may be tackling crippling anxiety and not understand how to get past it - you may never know at home because to you they are lively and confident. If I were you I would listen to what the teacher has to say and help your child work on their issues now. By year 5/6 at primary most children feel quite confident in their environment but moving to secondary, different teachers for every subject, many more kids etc, can make matters worse. The last thing you want is your child sitting in class at secondary spending their whole time saying to themselves "don't pick me, don't pick me" as they are too scared to be called upon, as they aren't then learning to their full capacity. Secondary school is a completely different environment and even for the confident school becomes somewhere they would rather not go.

Confidence is something that is relatively easy for you to work on together - I would try and tackle it now, your child doesn't even need to know you are helping them. Just put some strategies in place to help them cope.

[cansu]

I have quiet hard working kids in my class. They answer questions in discussions but listen to others. It is brilliant. They learn what they need to because they are focused. They also chat with their friends at playtime. There is no problem. I have one or two children who are quiet, struggle to answer in class and look visibly stressed in situations where they have to work with others. These are the children I get concerned about. If your dd is like the first group you have nothing to worry about.

[TheSandgroper]

I had that on a report for DD once, from a very experienced teacher. At the follow up interview, he commented on how most of the girls were quiet.

I'm afraid I put the ball firmly back in his court. I told him that it was a problem with his teaching methods then and that seeing he could see the tennis courts from his desk, he should send the boys all out to do three laps while he questioned the girls separately. After that, I would be willing to take comments about how quiet she might be.

It took another year or so but DD eventually found a cohort of likeminded (i.e. bright and studious) friends and she flew through her last few years of primary.

[TeaforTwoBiscuitOrThree]

Oh sweetheart, I feel your anguish. My DD is 8 and is also quiet in class. She just likes to observe and decide if she wants to get involved or not. She isn't keen on voicing opinions (in her head she overthinks things), and always holds back a bit. Nothing wrong with that! She's the total opposite at home :-).

[DonnaDarko]

I don't have much advice but I was a quiet child, and I can still be quite shy and quiet in a new setting.

However I've been working in customer support for nearly 10 years which has involved telephone and face to face interaction, including training and managing meetings. I had a job once that involved very little of that, and I hated it.

[Feenie]

[MsTSwift]

We had criticism from one loud inexperienced teacher that dd didn’t speak up enough in class. The following year she had an excellent teacher who totally got her and said that although she didn’t speak up all the time when she did everyone listened. She’s like dh quite measured and careful about what they say (born lawyers). In primary you sometimes get a teacher that doesn’t click hope yours only for one year

[Feenie]

Wonder what the parents of the boys stampeding round the tennis courts would think about that? Daft post.

[Motherofcreek]

Take it with a pinch of salt. You know your own child

[Horses4]

My elder daughter was very quiet in p1 and p2, she developed a severe chronic illness and perversely that has brought her out of her shell because it’s made her have to communicate with adults - teachers, consultants, physios etc. She has had a lot of support to do this and she is in a fantastically supportive school where they helped her develop non-verbal methods of alerting them to issues until she had the confidence to talk to them. She is not and never will be extrovert but she has been supported to let her personality shine which is entirely different.

[Mummadeeze]

My DD is not quiet at home but she used to get anxious at school which lead to her being very quiet (I think mainly because she was scared of getting things wrong). The school organised play therapy for her once a week and this helped. They also offered to pay for drama classes on Saturdays for her to build her confidence which was an amazingly generous offer. I already had her enrolled in a drama school however which she loved and she didn’t want to move to a different one so I Let them offer the opportunity to someone else. But what I am saying is that I have taken steps to help her build her self esteem and confidence because it was linked to anxiety. I never took the teachers concerns as a negative, I want her to feel able to put her hand up and answer questions in class or to not dread assembly because she has a line to deliver. She is in Yr 5 now and has done extra curricular drama for 5 years and is a fairly confident child now. She will never be one to push herself forward but she is less anxious and less unsure of herself now.

[Purplecatshopaholic]

That teacher sounds a bit of an idiot. Nothing wrong with being a quiet person - doesnt mean she has low self esteem (christ on a bike, teacher is a nutter - shes not a fuckin' psychologist!) You know your DD best

[Tawdrylocalbrouhaha]

Apologies if it has been stated, but does she have good friends at school? Is she able to put her hand up and ask if she doesn't understand anything? For me it's about how she is meeting those sort of needs. Is she choosing to be quiet, or is she afraid to be otherwise?

My DS is quiet and I can already see him missing out on things because he stands back and waits while others push forward. He then gets upset because he misses out/ doesn't get a turn. I don't think it is wrong to explain that being quiet is absolutely fine, but it can have costs. Obviously if you are certain the teacher is misjudging the situation, just ignore.

[TroysMammy]

My school reports said I was quiet and my Dad used to think I was swapped on my way to school!

[Sirzy]

Hmm I was the quiet child. Wouldn’t say boo too a goose type who just quietly got on.

In hindsight I have actually always been highly anxious and lacking in any sort of confidence. Petrified of letting others down and getting in trouble even in the slightest.

I think if that had all been picked up on when I was younger life would be much better for me now as it did lead to me being very lonley and isolated for a large part of my life.

[JHaniver]

I was the quiet child. I would just get on with things but wasn’t the sort to put my hand up and teachers always commented on this.

I’m still a quiet adult, I like to watch and listen and contribute when I wasn’t to, BUT my job involves public speaking in front of large crowds and I’m very good at it. It’s not a self esteem issue for me, it’s just my personality.

My four year old is very quiet so I think we’ll hear the same from school.