Anyone with a quiet child? - upset at what teacher has said at parents eve

[Afternooninthepark]

Dd is 10 and in year 6.
Tonight was her parents evening. Each year we are told that dd is very quiet which is fine not a shock as I know she is one of the quiet ones, the world is full of different personalities, we can’t all be loud and super confident.
However, tonight the teacher made a real issue about it. She told me she thought dd was too quiet, never participated and that she thought her self esteem was extremely low. She even went on to say that she thought if dd had her way ‘she would crouch into small ball and hide under the table’! She also suggested she should speak to the Relate counsellor??!!
I told the teacher this was a bit of shock to me. Dd is quiet but at home she is witty and funny, always happy, very very arty and creative, has a big love of animals and just a lovely, loving, kind & wonderful daughter.
She never says she hates school, always goes in happily and very rarely complains about much.
I’ve asked dd if she is happy at achool and she says she is and doesn’t understand why the teacher is saying this.
I’m upset and worried now. It’s as though the teacher thinks being quiet is a major flaw or that there is some underlying issue as to why she is quiet. And why on earth would she think that just because she is quiet that it means she has low self esteem??
Anyone else with a quiet child?

Surely the teacher can gauge from a distance if your DD is happy and comfortable with close friends??

I was a really quiet child. I liked books more than people, and while I was academically very able, I rarely volunteered to speak in class, because there were bigger personalities who did. I was dux of my primary school, kept my head down at secondary, then really blossomed at university.

I’m now a lecturer, so essentially talk for a living, and always make a point of trying to draw out quieter students once they feel at home snd safe within the group.

That said, I still class myself as an introvert. I love my own company, find big groups difficult in a social setting, and after a day at work am quite happy sitting reading by myself while my DP does his own thing.

There’s a difference though between being quiet and not participating in things that are going on in class. That’s something to explore. Quiet is fine of course but being disengaged is not.

The teacher sounds ignorant and frankly stupid. She should learn to engage her brain more and her mouth less and stop making silly comments.

Oh here we go more teacher bashing; makes a nice change.

I have quite children and heard the same from their primary school teachers. They all came into their own in secondary school and are doing really well with teachers who “see” them. Too many people talk too much shit and take too much airtime.

I wouldn’t give it another thought, if she’s y6 won’t she be leaving soon anyway?

I think you are missing the point

The teacher has targets called ‘speaking and listening’

Similar to maths or literacy targets which your daughter isn’t achieving

She’s not saying she shouldn’t be quiet but she needs to meet the minimum standards as outlined in the curriculum

I’ll see if I can find them

www.gov.uk/government/publications/national-curriculum-in-england-english-programmes-of-study/national-curriculum-in-england-english-programmes-of-study

I would actually suggest to you that you make a time to speak with DD's other teachers and see what their feeling is on the situation.

My child is very confident, loud and questioning about everything so we often hear the opposite, my child is often too distracted to focus on work, her best friend is quiet as a mouse and very shy but academically she is doing amazing, as long as your DD is able to participate in classes to the point where you feel she is learning and advancing to the best of her abilities then I would take the teachers comments with a grain of salt.

The next thing I would do if this is your main DD's teacher is to look for an alternative class to the one she is in as it sounds like this teacher will just keep trying to push your DD 'out of her shell' and that is only likely to make things worse not better.

If you don't want to change classes then I would schedule another appointment to see the teacher now that you have had time to think what she said over so you can properly convey how you feel your DD is doing and what you think about what she said and try and sort it out with her.

I have a few quiet friends (opposites attract) and accept that we are different and actually enjoy the differences between us. Some extroverts struggle to do that though, they expect all to be like them. I would say it is more the teachers problems than yours or your DD's.

With hindsight dd was v quiet and diffident. V bright but always just missed her potential. I let it go because my mother complained I was too quiet and didn't let me be me.

At secondary dd started to struggle. To me she seemed fine and masked things very well all the way to GCSE. She had been self harming for 6-8 months as taking small od's.

There was little help. She was diagnosed with anxiety, depression and after a crisis eventually ADD. It suddenly all added up and once I knew it was all v clear - all the way back to toddlerhood. So many struggles. It turned out ok in the end largely because we coukd afford orivate psychiatric care before itbwas too late and her self esteem shot to pieces for good.

The Relate counsellor, age 17, helped her to turn a corner. Best counsellor she saw.

Be open minded op. Would some relate counselling be any harm. They may just helpbher deal with a bigger environment when she gets there.

I wish someone had flagged it when dd was 10. Subsequently her class teacher has said to me "there was something, but i couldn't put my finger on it and she was no trouble and top table".

It may be nothing op, but if not, a stitch in time to avoid so much later heart ache can't be wrong can it?

I was that quiet child and actually do have low self esteem and I wish someone would have noticed and tried to help me at that age. I acted aloof about it because I was embarrassed ( i don't know what about, maybe just about betting me?) and everyone just said I was quiet and shy and it was fine and that I would 'grow out of it'. But it didn't feel fine, i didnt want to be quiet, I just didn't know how to be anything else. I'm still held back by this feeling which has been ingrained for so long.

Perhaps your daughter is happy as she is, which many people are, but I just wanted to offer a different perspective for you to consider. You know your daughter, be lead by that.

Stoppin, that’s our scenario. Ds is outgoing, always asks and answers questions etc while his good friend is quiet, his friend is academically outstanding.

@sweetmarmalade ..... yep, my current job is to help DD find a middle ground so she can do as well at writing as she does with her verbal communication

@GreenTulips From what I remember ‘speaking and listening’ and ‘demonstrating to others’ could be assessed through formal presentations which quiet pupils didn’t necessarily mind doing since they could pre-plan what to say to an extent. I took ‘participating in debate’ to include discussion in small groups of their peers as opposed to the whole class which most pupils will participate in at some point.

I don't have a quiet child (mine are a right pair of gobshites) but I was very quiet growing up and it was always raised at parents evening to my mum's annoyance. It was just who I was - it wasn't a flaw and it isn't with your DD either. Why is "confident" an aspiration that every child MUST have?! If she tries hard at school, enjoys it and has friends then I don't see what it matters if she doesn't stick her hand up.

My no2 son was my "quiet one" and I once had a college lecturer tell me he would be "unemployable unless he starts to talk more"
He is now a head chef in an upmarket restaurant, having moved on from setting up a training program for the catering staff of one of the BIG chain hotels.
Not everyone has to be loud to succeed!

I was told at one parent eve my daughter "was away with the fairies"
I just said I'm okay with that,

This post has really struck a chord with me. My Dd really struggled with school and honestly I used to dread parents evening. My advice to you would be to take it all with a pinch of salt , my Dd will never be a genius but she has grown into a confident woman who has a career now where personality counts more than anything else. Please don't worry ....Ive been there it's crap ...but only because you hear about what other children are doing and you can't help but compare. I look forward to the day you post saying AIBU my Dd is fabulous

Oops meant to say ...theres nothing wrong with being quiet ....I will take that over a right mouthy madam any day of the week

I'm an English teacher. By secondary teachers are under huge pressure to give an assessed grade to every student. Teachers teach a lot of students. They will often be vocal about the most obvious social trait of any student. Parents' evenings are after a full working day. Just keep that in mind. Not extra time, not over time.

The teacher was probably knackered beyond belief and said the most obvious thing given having done a 12 hour day then having to talk to up to 60 sets of parents. Can we relax with the narcissistic comments unless, of course you all pay teachers huge individual salaries.

Bumper no. You don't get to police what people say about teachers or how they feel. This is a free forum and people can express their thoughts and opinions without salary coming into it...or "how knackered" they are.

Another teacher here and I teach Year 6.

Absolutely nothing wrong with quiet child - in fact I’d take a class full of them any day!! It does sound strange for the teacher to make such a big show of this - telling you she is quiet in class, gets on with her work, keeps to herself is one thing. Suggesting she needs to speak to Relate is quite the other. Did she give any reason for this? I’d never dream of suggesting this unless I genuinely thought the child needed some further support/emotional support. Sounds like a mountain out of a mole hill.

I’d take the advice with a pinch of salt, if you have no other concerns about why your daughter is quiet, I’d just leave it be. If there is anything else to worry about the teacher will let you know. Maybe your daughter finds the teacher a bit much??