Anyone with a quiet child? - upset at what teacher has said at parents eve

[Afternooninthepark]

Dd is 10 and in year 6.
Tonight was her parents evening. Each year we are told that dd is very quiet which is fine not a shock as I know she is one of the quiet ones, the world is full of different personalities, we can’t all be loud and super confident.
However, tonight the teacher made a real issue about it. She told me she thought dd was too quiet, never participated and that she thought her self esteem was extremely low. She even went on to say that she thought if dd had her way ‘she would crouch into small ball and hide under the table’! She also suggested she should speak to the Relate counsellor??!!
I told the teacher this was a bit of shock to me. Dd is quiet but at home she is witty and funny, always happy, very very arty and creative, has a big love of animals and just a lovely, loving, kind & wonderful daughter.
She never says she hates school, always goes in happily and very rarely complains about much.
I’ve asked dd if she is happy at achool and she says she is and doesn’t understand why the teacher is saying this.
I’m upset and worried now. It’s as though the teacher thinks being quiet is a major flaw or that there is some underlying issue as to why she is quiet. And why on earth would she think that just because she is quiet that it means she has low self esteem??
Anyone else with a quiet child?

Oh, and for your DD, just wanted to pass on a saying that was a lightbulb moment for me 'A wise woman speaks because she has something to say; a fool because she has to say something'.

Again, thanks all.
I’m really torn between getting her some ‘help’ in the form of some kind of counselling or just going with the notion that this is just dd’s personality? I’m very concerned that some of you are saying if only your parents had taken you for counselling at an earlier age things would have been better for you yet the flip side of that is, if dd doesn’t have any issues, surely taking her to counselling now would almost be like planting the seed that says, yes, she does have some issues?
Or maybe it’s just this particular teacher? Only a couple of years ago one of her teachers (who all of the pupils love as she makes lessons so much fun) would tell me she would regularly have to tell dd to be quiet as she was such a chatterbox!
I just can’t help but think that her current teacher is basically saying ‘well your dd is so quiet, I don’t really know how to handle that, so I’m just ignoring her and pretending she isn’t there’!!

I was told by child of 12 form tutor as too quiet. I was surprised as not quiet at home or in other context like several sports. I was a bit worried so I popped in to check with his form tutor the previous year and she was surprised too and said he was not quiet with her. I then asked child why so quiet with form tutor and he replied when he said anything form tutor never listened so he did not bother talking to her. I also found out he had twice contradicted the form tutor, when she was wrong, and got told off, so then stopped making any comments to her. If no one else has commented then I would trust your own instinct.

OP, is there anything aside from this one teachers comments, that makes you think your daughter needs any help? If not, I’d be wary of like you said planting a seed in her mind of a problem that isn’t actually there.

I was the quiet child too

Really annoyed that it's seen as a problem by some teachers , I left with good o and a level results, I am still quiet , I don't have a problem standing up and speaking in public in front of a large collection people, making friends and living my life fully and happily , I have no problem with discussing anything with people in authority , doing my daily tasks at work etc etc

I'm never going to be the life and soul of the party because that's not who I am

Sorry this has happened Op. your DD sounds lovely and you sound like a very caring mum.

Really, this teacher sounds overbearing and I think she overstepped the line a bit by suggesting self esteem issues and the counselling idea (assuming she hasn’t seen or heard anything specific from your DD).

Definitely not teacher bashing here- I was a teacher for many years! Probably helps that I’m an introvert and loved teaching introvert children too. Yes, it’s nice when quiet children contribute more to class discussions but as PPs have mentioned using lolly sticks is a useful way to encourage this. You do need to be able to observe speaking and listening skills but there’s no reason they can’t be demonstrated in small group situations which introverts are more comfortable with.

Please try not to let it upset you OP. You know your Dd best and from what you’ve said about her making friends easily in different places I think you’ve got nothing to worry about.

@Afternooninthepark

Sorry I didn't mean to imply anything like learning difficulties! I meant more like lacking confidence, maybe a friendship issue with a classmate or feeling like they struggle with the work and don't know any answers or feeling left out in group/social situations. All things that can be worked on once identified. Like I said, nothing wrong with being naturally quiet but it's a shame when it holds pupils back from taking part fully and the teacher should be doing things to help encourage her.

OP I think there's been some excellent advice from others here so I think if it was me I would keep an open mind on all avenues until you've had your chat with teacher. Try to not overthink next steps until you've done the first one! I mean this with love as a chronic over-thinker

You may be right and I think another poster made the point about a clash of styles with this one teacher? In our case this years form teacher constantly refers to DD as a rabbit in headlights (DD thinks this is hilarious and does bunny impressions now!) yet I've seen first hand how she constantly picks the same louder extrovert children (always girls too, oddly] for any jobs/volunteering. It's literally as if she struggles to connect to the quieter ones.

Could it be worth getting opinions from classroom assistants, office staff, lunchtime supervisors, club staff or other adults? Not on what the teacher said but more along the lines of how they see her. This could help you build a more rounded picture.

Good luck with your meeting

I don't think I'm explaining myself well - I don't mean to come across negatively! I'm trying to say that if a pupil is quiet but still gets involved, then that wouldn't be anything I would be worried about. However if a pupil is really quiet by this point and still wasn't comfortable taking part after having taught them since September, it would make me think that a bit of intervention is needed. Every pupil is different though, you know your daughter best!

Holly that makes total sense And what you say also shows a lack of assumptions about what a problem may be rather let's find out more? And is a world away from, during a 10 minutes parents evening which is NOT the time for surprises, suggesting counselling out of the blue. Apart from everything else, totally unprofessional.

DD sounds absolutely lovely. If you are happy and she is happy, I would disregard 99% of the teacher's words..... except for the not participating in class. I think children are expected to be active participants, put their hand up, volunteer contributions etc. These are good skills to have and if you do it often you can build up confidence for when you have to do presentations etc. I'm sure your daughter is interested and engaged and can demonstrate that she has understood etc through her written work, but it's good to do so verbally as well.
Just a thought, from a happy introvert.

Ah parent's evenings, teacher's need something to say and its usually ' so talkative... or so quiet...' Sometimes I think all teachers need to be parent's to enable them to be good teachers. have empathy with parents and understand children. It is quite clear that some cannot relate to children at all

As an extremely quiet child I cant tell you how fucking annoying this was- when adults made a big thing of it because I didnt like their hooting or organised fun. I just enjoyed peace and quiet and my own company and nowadays I worship it.

Whilst obviously not everyone can be super confident and outgoing, there are times where you have to look and sound so, even if you're not inside. It's quite right that the teacher has pointed this out as it is something that will set your DD back in future.

DS has just been applying for internships, and the recruitment process for every single one has included not only video and in-person interviews, but also multiple group tasks, presentations and networking. They were also told that they'd be assessed throughout the day on how confident they were at interacting with others.

If your DD lacks skills in this area, I have no idea why you wouldn't want the teacher to mention it so she can receive support. You'd be up in arms if the school ignored a weakness with maths or English.

In fact, I'd actually argue that the skills the teacher has mentioned are far more important for the world of work. My Dsis world in HR, and she says her firm and others will very often recruit people who come across as sociable and confident over those with better academics. She says that these more outgoing individuals are often far better candidates than people with straight A*s but no social skills.

Yellow whilst you're right the teacher should have spoken to OP earlier outside of parents evening. At this stage in Y6 it could be too late and almost passes the buck to high school. To just mention it at the end of parents evening together with a suggestion of counselling is a crap method.

There is a difference between outward confidence and self-esteem, which I don't think this teacher has understood.

yellow , it wasn’t the fact that the teacher pointed these things out, it was simply because she only mentioned these things after I’d enquired about how dd was doing socially, within the classroom and, as I’ve mentioned previously, she went straight in with ‘dd is very quiet, very low self esteem, would curl up in a ball if she could’ etc, etc and then going on to say that she is so quiet she barely notices her. THIS is most unprofessional in my opinion, she doesn’t appear to have done anything in the last 6 months to help dd and I will address this in my meeting with her next week.
Also, I disagree with your opinion that only extroverts exceed within the workplace. I, and many people I know are introverts and have had no problems getting on in life. The world isn’t full of just one personality type and shy/introverted people can get along quite well and tbh would avoid the type of work your dsis appears to be in.

@Afternooninthepark

My Dsis currently works in recruitment for a financial services firm but has previously done so for law firms and consumer businesses, so it's not just in a certain area of work where these skills are important.

Especially with the growth of automation, roles which simply require 'academic' skills are simply not going to exist, so it's absolutely vital that schools encourage soft skills like communication, confidence and networking. It's something that private schools already focus on from day 1, which goes some way to explaining why we have such inequality in top positions.

I think you’re putting much more negative weight on the teachers words than she probably intended. Quiet and would curl into a ball if she could are jusg observations.
Saying forgets she’s there could well be received as a complement by another parent!

My only concern would be the low self esteem but considering you asked how she was socially, you surely had an inkling of that yourself?

Yoga I think that's quite a standard question to ask I know I do so that I can check she's not causing any trouble or to perhaps get a different perspective of friendship circle problems!

Haven’t rtft but as a quiet child myself, so not sure if anyone else said this. I hated being quiet, but the worse thing for me was being told i was. Even in adulthood i struggled, i used to put huge effort into “not being quiet” and can remember a few times when out in a group, or in a work setting, when i was pleased with myself because i thought i was “just like everyone else” itms, only to be deflated by someone piping up those old dreaded words....”aren’t you quiet”.

I mean why do people say this? they don’t say to a noisy person, “aren’t you loud”. The effect this had on me would just make me retreat back into myself.

Completely understand your concerns, we were told the same at first parent's evening in Y7 by every teacher, I feared my DD was going to miss out by being quiet. However the head of year put our minds at rest by saying not everyone is loud/chatty.
By the end of Y6 some of the children are "big fish in little ponds", they may not be quite so vocal when they move onto secondary school.
Anyway they are not your concern, what we did was set our DD little challenges, try and ask or answer just 1 x question per week in class. Then gradually increased this, 2 per week etc.
As others have said, there is nothing wrong with being quiet, my DD preferred even as a toddler to sit back, watch & listen before joining in - I wish some adults I know would develop that skill before throwing their loud opinions about.
It seems from what you've said she is not going to try shouting over the loud ones on her table, as she can't be fussed rather than she has an underlying issue.
My DD is also a horse rider & would have no problem telling a pony off if needs be.
Good luck with her teacher, try not to overthink it, this is but one person's opinion x

Yellow you are conflating and confusing introversion with lack of confidence in a work situation.

I have only ever worked in City law firms and I happen to shine in interviews. Interviews are much more one-to-one situations than a classroom. I was also super quiet at school and am an introvert. That does not mean I don't network in my industry or build good social and collaborative relationships with colleagues. Nor am I unable to impress interviewers (I change jobs ever so often to chase higher salary) or senior management who seek me out for my opinions.

I work with those people that your Dsis hires and interview candidates myself. I don't rate shallow people who are only good in mouthing or blagging - something to watch out for in interviews as the bias favours extroverts. I would much rather a thoughtful answer which substance behind it. It would be pretty hard to find someone with "no social skills". The OP is not saying her dd has no social skills just that this particular teacher thinks she is quiet in class.

I would say if shes fine at making friends and doing extra stuff, definitely avoid counselling. I appreciate that my mum just realised thats what I was like and it wasnt a problem if she had started mentioning counselling or stuff I'd have felt defective. The world would be much better if people could hold back a bit more like your daughter.

Buy this book for the teacher.