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AIBU?

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Original poster

Anyone with a quiet child? - upset at what teacher has said at parents eve

329 replies

Afternooninthepark · 05/03/2019 22:50

Dd is 10 and in year 6.
Tonight was her parents evening. Each year we are told that dd is very quiet which is fine not a shock as I know she is one of the quiet ones, the world is full of different personalities, we can’t all be loud and super confident.
However, tonight the teacher made a real issue about it. She told me she thought dd was too quiet, never participated and that she thought her self esteem was extremely low. She even went on to say that she thought if dd had her way ‘she would crouch into small ball and hide under the table’! She also suggested she should speak to the Relate counsellor??!!
I told the teacher this was a bit of shock to me. Dd is quiet but at home she is witty and funny, always happy, very very arty and creative, has a big love of animals and just a lovely, loving, kind & wonderful daughter.
She never says she hates school, always goes in happily and very rarely complains about much.
I’ve asked dd if she is happy at achool and she says she is and doesn’t understand why the teacher is saying this.
I’m upset and worried now. It’s as though the teacher thinks being quiet is a major flaw or that there is some underlying issue as to why she is quiet. And why on earth would she think that just because she is quiet that it means she has low self esteem??
Anyone else with a quiet child?

OP posts:
Original poster
Afternooninthepark · 06/03/2019 17:29

yoga For both of my children I have always asked about the social side of things to me that is just as important as asking how they are doing academically.
saranna exactly, why do people always comment on quiet people yet you very rarely hear anyone saying ‘bloody hell you are a bit loud and full on’ to an extrovert.
fizz The big fish in little ponds is an interesting one, dd’s school is a very small village school just 6 girls and about the same number of boys and I think a lot of them have become quite bossy over the last year or so, think it’ll come as a shock when the go up to secondary school with it’s 2,000 pupils!
anyone I’ve just ordered the book and will show it to the teacher.

OP posts:
RollaCola84 · 06/03/2019 18:23

Guineapiglet345 I'm quite a quiet adult and I've definitely worked with people who view you as a problem to be solved. I'm fine, leave me alone. If I want to get involved I will !!

The Susan Cain book is excellent, as is her podcast.

Springisallaround · 06/03/2019 18:40

I think you are making too much of this. Counselling is surely not required if there are no anxiety issues. Some people have suggested paying attention to social skills/confidence in speaking but these develop over time, especially when the teen years hit (some children who were very vocal become extremely shy/self-conscious during that time). I think you've given too much weight to the teacher's words, she teaches 30 children, has to think of something to say and picked on something obvious. I've had teachers who I didn't feel knew my children that well, but that's really the nature of large classes and busy teachers. She's not producing a personality profile that will stand for all time.

EarlyModernParent · 06/03/2019 18:42

Maybe your DD has got the measure of this teacher and avoids having to interact with her?

Ivegotthree · 06/03/2019 18:56

One of mine is quiet and I get where you're coming from.

Tbh I would write this off as a lone teacher not getting your child.

PinguDance · 06/03/2019 19:07

I’ve skimmed this but from what I can see no one has as yet mentioned selective mutism? Is your DD able to talk to the teacher and other kids when she feels like it? The pertinent question is CAN she speak to the teacher. SM is a level of anxiety that prevents individuals communicating and is, as the name suggests, selective.

If she does speak to the teacher but just not very often then I suppose she is quiet - if she doesn’t not speak to the teacher at all I can see why the teacher would be concerned

PinguDance · 06/03/2019 19:10

Ah ignore me I found mention of SM.

Silverschool321 · 06/03/2019 20:20

I'd be pretty angry about her saying your daughter has low self esteem just because she's quiet! No justification for this. Her teacher needs to accept your dd the way she is.

pointythings · 06/03/2019 20:35

My older DD has always been the quiet one and yes, it has been commented on - but never ever as a negative that needs treatment. When she does contribute in class, it's always well thought out and to the point and that's what matters. And a good teacher will notice the difference between quiet and unhappy - one of DD's best teachers picked up on it when she was going through some bullying and it got sorted.

feliciabirthgiver · 06/03/2019 20:43



feliciabirthgiver · 06/03/2019 20:45

2nd time lucky!

Anyone with a quiet child? - upset at what teacher has said at parents eve
puppy23 · 06/03/2019 21:07

I was the quiet shy child and hated this being critiqued by teachers! Yes, it might've been nice to have been more confident as a child, but this grew as I aged, as it will for your DD.

Original poster
Afternooninthepark · 06/03/2019 21:12

felicia I think ill print that off and dd can paste that onto her workbook 😊

OP posts:
globetrotter141 · 06/03/2019 21:14

I think it takes a lot more effort to get to know a quiet child and from my experience of being the quiet child most teachers don't have the time to invest or can't be bothered. And so they deflect a bit and see it as the child's problem. I hated putting my hand up in class so the teachers said I didn't try hard enough.. that was it.. no consideration of the fact that I felt much more comfortable talking in small groups and that my homework was always done. It takes more time to find a way to connect with a quieter child but when you do it's really worth it. I wish more teachers, and people in general, really got this!

whyayepetal · 06/03/2019 21:21

One of DD1's sixth form friends once said to her"you're quite shy aren't you?" To which the answer was "no, not shy, just quiet Grin". DD1 said that this possibility had not even occurred to her friend - it was a proper light bulb moment apparently! DD1 is still quiet, determined, and definitely not shy. She recently appeared on stage at the BRITS!!

SignOnTheWindow · 06/03/2019 21:32

At my school it was policy not to bring up being a quiet student as an issue at parents' evenings.

I had lots of very quiet students and we always managed to find a comfortable way for them to get their opinions heard (e.g. one student with selective mutism used to email me her ideas during class).

Of course, if the quietness was a change in behaviour it would have been flagged before parents' evening and investigated anyway.

puppy23 · 06/03/2019 21:34

Having read your update, is there any reason why she's changed from being a chatterbox in lessons to being quiet? Bullying? Just the new teacher?

SignOnTheWindow · 06/03/2019 21:41

Sounds like the teacher needs to try some different ways of getting the class to share ideas. If there's too much quick-fire verbal questioning, the extroverts tend to end up with all the floor space because they're the ones whose hands shoot up the moment the question's asked.

Original poster
Afternooninthepark · 06/03/2019 22:03

puppy dd has always been quiet even during the chatty days (if that makes any sense) but I really think that it may be because of this teacher. I asked dd tonight what was her impression of her teacher and she says that she is very strict and quite ‘shouty’ although dd does say she likes her as a teacher. I just wonder if dd is slightly scared of her or frightened to raise her hand because of this . I have heard other parents say this teacher is a lot stricter than all of the others in the school. Maybe it’s that?

OP posts:
YellowFish123 · 06/03/2019 23:47

The reason teachers get so much gripe for mentioning DC being quiet is because you have a combination of children who are otherwise well behaved and do well at school, and naive parents who cannot accept that their DC is anything less than perfect.

Parents would rightly expect that issues with maths or English were pointed out so other skills should be no different. Parents are only harming their own DC by pretending there is no issue- your DC may be exceptionally bright or hard-working, but the DC in the same class who is more outgoing and confident will be more successful.

Polarbearflavour · 07/03/2019 01:04

I’m laughing at the thought of counselling for being quiet! Can you imagine going to a GP and saying your chills is quiet and need help from CAMHS?

Mental health services are falling apart in the UK and people who need help cannot be seen.

Unless you go privately. I’m sure in the USA you could see a psychologist / psychiatrist for $200 dollars a session and get prescribed drugs too to treat the quietness personality disorder. Only if you have insurance or are rich though!

I’m very introverted and have worked as an air stewardess! I have also been a healthcare professional and now work in a specialist role that requires me to do training.

Stargazer888 · 07/03/2019 01:45

I don't have much advice other than it sounds like you are overreacting to what the teacher has said. I doubt the teacher is ignoring her. She has concerns and she's shared them with you. You say you have anxiety as well so maybe that's why this has hit a nerve? She might be fine, she might be anxious. I wouldn't panic just yet, nor be angry about it

As for introversion, I think people are mistaking quiet people for introverts. And loud people for extroverts. You can be quiet and extroverted. It just means you get your energy from people. Or you need to recharge. I am introverted but I am not shy and I love to socialize, I'm just exhausted after. I think when we label kids at a young age we do them a disservice

goodomens830 · 07/03/2019 17:34

Every school report I had as a child read "Goodomens is a very quiet and conscientious pupil". I was painfully shy. But I'm just fine now! My youngest is also very quiet. As long as she's fine and dandy at home, I wouldn't worry

Tiredand · 07/03/2019 17:49

We had some comment about our confident youngest DS at about 6 yrs old. When asked why he didn't contribute in class he replied that he knew the answers but didn't need to prove it. He did start contributing a bit more once we pointed out it would be good to take part a bit more. He's now one of the more exuberant class members 12 yrs on but has a good handle on when to contribute and when to shut up.

wingsanddreams · 07/03/2019 17:52

I'm a teacher. I have had quiet kids, active kids, all sorts. But telling parents they have to sort out their kids being too quiet is just lazy and irresponsible. Teachers are there to discover and connect to each child, to explore their potential and to inspire them to grow and achieve. I have quiet kids in my class who used come into class without opening their mouths all day, now they put their hands up and read out loudly. I don't think this teacher has approached your child the right way that would inspire her to open up. Some children prefer to be quiet in certain environment and it should be respected. It does not mean she is lack of confidence or has low self-esteem. It could be that she has strong self awareness. Raising it as a problem will add unnecessary stress and put pressure on children and parents. Children needs time to find their own unique voices and personality. Tell that teacher you are not concerned and she needs to be patient.