Anyone with a quiet child? - upset at what teacher has said at parents eve

[Afternooninthepark]

Dd is 10 and in year 6.
Tonight was her parents evening. Each year we are told that dd is very quiet which is fine not a shock as I know she is one of the quiet ones, the world is full of different personalities, we can’t all be loud and super confident.
However, tonight the teacher made a real issue about it. She told me she thought dd was too quiet, never participated and that she thought her self esteem was extremely low. She even went on to say that she thought if dd had her way ‘she would crouch into small ball and hide under the table’! She also suggested she should speak to the Relate counsellor??!!
I told the teacher this was a bit of shock to me. Dd is quiet but at home she is witty and funny, always happy, very very arty and creative, has a big love of animals and just a lovely, loving, kind & wonderful daughter.
She never says she hates school, always goes in happily and very rarely complains about much.
I’ve asked dd if she is happy at achool and she says she is and doesn’t understand why the teacher is saying this.
I’m upset and worried now. It’s as though the teacher thinks being quiet is a major flaw or that there is some underlying issue as to why she is quiet. And why on earth would she think that just because she is quiet that it means she has low self esteem??
Anyone else with a quiet child?

I was going to ask why did they wait till year 6!!! What have they done over the years to encourage her to talk out. All my children were in the quieter group of children, and they were never ever encouraged to try a part in school play or say much in the class assembly. At the most they had a one word answer to say when other children took the lead roles. Used to annoy me no end. Teachers should be encouraging all the children in their class, not just the loud obnoxious ones. When one of mine finally got to the point when he wanted to try a race at sports day, he didn't get one. I found out that the system is that they read out the races and children shout out if they want to do it. He had out his hand up but of course all the ones who shouted got races.

Trust your instincts.

I have a horrible loud gob and to be honest I don't think it's great that all this preening and confidence is encouraged at school.

People will be delighted to get to know your daughter as she gets older, instead of thinking oh please god just shut the fuck up.

My dd was very quiet and shy, but she has a great deal of confidence and self esteem. The two are not necessarily linked.
I am an extrovert, and I took time to learn that my dd was laid back, gentle and thoughtful, and wouldn’t enjoy huge parties or lots of fuss.

She excels at school, because she listens carefully, she has loads of friends because she is genuine, authentic and kind.
She is loved by her teachers because she isn’t shouting down the next child, and always works to the best of her ability.
She doesn’t fall out with other girls, as she is secure and doesn’t feel the need to show off/ make jokes at others expense.
When she speaks her words carry weight and authority as she always carefully considers what she is about to say.
She is diplomatic and thoughtful.
Her mental health is great, she never ever feels the need to force herself into things.
She is in tune with herself, happy in her own company. Never needs validation and is emotionally independent.

I wish I could be more like her!!!!!

So all you Introverts out there, you have huge value, are cherished by those around you, and you must never change to please others.

Stay true to yourself.

That teacher is misguided at best, incompetent at worst. Ignore her, do not worry your dd with this. Continue to support her character and value her qualities. Teach her not to care about the shy comments and to love herself exactly as she is.

My dd is 13 now but she has always lacked confidence at school and has always been very shy. At home she is a different child. Loud, bubbly, outgoing etc. In year 2 she had an awful teacher who absolutely birrated her for being quiet. She would call her out in front of everyone and goad her. Said teacher would constantly complain about her to me. I was shocked as she was/ is such a polite, sweet child. Needless to say this really knocked any shred of confidence she had. It took until Yr 6 when she had a SENCO as her main class teacher. He really supported her and she came out of her shell. He also ran some tests and it turned out she had dyslexia. Now in secondary school she’s still shy but she’s doing amazingly well. My suggestion would be to ignore this teacher and tell your dd you support her and know she is doing well. Luckily there is only one term and a bit left of this academic year!

There is nothing wrong with being quiet.

The fact your daughter behaves differently at home is probably an indication that there may be an area of her self-esteem that may be low, and there’s nothing wrong with that. It may be something entirely different. But I don’t see anything wrong with your daughter seeing the relate councillor. It may be great for her. Try and look at it as a positive.

People were always telling me I was quiet at school. It really wound me up me after a while, I don't know why people feel the need to comment on it. Didn't affect me in any major way though. Sounds like the teacher is overstepping the mark.

@TabbyMumz sometimes that one line is a huge step for them.

Witchtower...I agree, but sometimes they can quite easily do 2. They do class assembly once a year, so from years 1 to 6, they could be encouraged to do more. Frustrating for the parents watching the same loud kids every year for five or six years, when your child just gets one word or nothing at all and no part in school play either. The loud ones also get all the races at sports day too as they shout to get the races, which isn't fair. I think some teachers think because kids fall into a quieter group, they aren't capable of anything. Those children should also be praised for hard work and effort and allowed to feel good about themselves.

I'd agree that you know your daughter best and the teacher is being a bit judgemental saying that her "self esteem was extremely low" just because she is quiet in [her] class. As long as your daughter is happy then don't worry and continue to reassure her that it takes all sorts of people to make an interesting world.

I think some teachers probably have issues relating to introverts as, by the nature of their job, teachers are more extroverted. I'd just ignore her and continue as you are if DD is happy. She sounds like a lovely girl

Being quiet is fine but not participating isn't. A student needs to be able to do group work as an active participant and demonstrate an opinion. If your dd isn't doing this for whatever reason then she needs to work on those skills prior to Y7.

I have been in your shoes,

I suggest you direct the teacher to Susan Cains Website and the teacher should read her book "QUIET in a world that cant stop talking" I believe now there is also a book directed at kids by the same author

• I was your daughter and I am a fully functioning adult, successful in my chosen field. The loudest voice does not always have the best answer. Being shy is not a problem to be solved, its a valuable personality type that can be a real asset to a team. In life we need people both in front of the camera and behind it for the show to go on.

All types are as valuable as each other - the best ideas come from mixed groups and personality types.

My daughter is exactly the same embrace it and educate your daughters teacher, its sometimes hard for extroverts to understand introverts and vice versa. In simple terms we are all different the world would be boring otherwise. Its essential to encourage debate and discussion and to innovate and progress - is that teacher giving your daughter the opportunity to share her voice in a comfortable way?

www.quietrev.com/category/kids-and-parenting/?v=2

Good Luck X

DS3 has always been a quiet child. At primary school he did lack confidence (but he is dyslexic which wasn't diagnosed until Y7). Once he had his diagnosis, his confidence rocketed. He is now Y11 and still quiet. He is happy, predicted good grades and has grown so much as a person. If you're happy then that is all that matters OP x

I don’t have a quiet child but I was one! It hasn’t effected me one bit and I’m quite an outgoing adult I just don’t like speaking in front of large groups! I wouldn’t worry and it’s good the teacher raised it but it could just be who she is counciling could help her if she does have a bit of social anxiety though but the class room isn’t a good place for some children and that’s fine too!

As a “quiet” person I can tell you, constantly being called out for being quiet does the opposite to good for your mental health!

I’m really fine & will speak up any time I need. I just might not need to that often.

Respect the introvert cos criticising them for being quiet will only turn them further in. I wonder if this teacher’s approach has made your daughter feel inadequate & less interested in speaking up this year?

I got this same response from teachers about my DD at every flippin’ parent teacher con for her entire education. Teacher “ (DD) is awfully quiet, isn’t she?” Me (smiling tightly)/ “Yes, she is quiet” -as tho it is a character defect! My DD is an adult, still relatively quiet & reserved, but has loads of friends, BFs, a good job, does public speaking when necessary. Being a quiet child has held her back not one jot.
I do hate this bias in favour of loud-mouths.
I am a fan of Nancy Kline’s “Time to Think” which is about the importance of listening.
Which you cannot do if you are running your mouth!

Seconding the response re Susan Cain’s book ‘Quiet’- please read it, and suggest the teacher does too. This is so sad, there are different personality types.

Teacher overstepping the mark hugely and being biased by the fact she's an extrovert so anyone that's not like her is deemed in her eyes as not normal. She needs to read that book someone suggested too!
I'd keep an eye on this teacher if I were you.

www.jamescmccroskey.com/publications/92.htm

Was just researching this for staff in my establishment.
Very good succinct article.

Extroverts have taken over the world and to misjudge and undervalue the contribution that introverts make is a bit of a disaster. I was a quietish bookaholic when I was younger and it helped me do well at school.

As an English teacher I often noticed that class discussions would flag some children up as enthusiastic and engaged but that when the writing task related to the exercise was set others who said not a word surpassed them. There were often quiet, shy children who passed unnoticed by the others but who left with spectacular grades. The OP should take comfort that most subjects still examine in a silent room where writing and thinking are they key skills.

As for this teacher, she is probably an extravert herself. I have noticed that introverts understand and appreciate extroverts but it hardly happens the other way around.

School is not the real world. The OP’s daughter will get her day.

The not they!

She doesn’t understand and there clearly isn’t an issue

I would leave it for now but if this continues write in a very politely worded note saying the referral to relate (WTF as they are crap anyway) was inappropriate

I was quiet at school. By the time I was a teenager it was the bane of my life. I was really shy and new people found me very aloof. They used to call me the "ice maiden".

I used to borrow books from the library and make notes about how to be confident - needless to say it didn't work! I found going to university very hard and ended up dropping out and restarting because I couldn't settle.

I'm better now but still like my own company and not keen on big groups. I think quiet can be good - but not always.

There was a recent thread on here about people who had done well at chill but not exactly fulfilled their potential career wise. Lots of quiet, bookish people who didn’t say much but thought deeply and knew the right answer - this does not seem to translate well to career success however. I would encourage a quiet child to speak more not because I think quiet is wrong, but it can hold you back and I want the best for my students. Quiet people are also sometimes desperate to speak but worried about what happens if they do.
None of us know the OP’s daughter and quite the level of non-participation that is going on so I think it’s unfair to say everything is hunky dorey with her as we just don’t know enough.

I have a quiet child - my eldest. She is less so now at 16 but I still get the feedback at parents evening that she could participate more etc (although haven’t had PE this year yet). I used to worry but not so much now as she is much happier at school, has good friends, is more ‘herself’ etc. She’s a natural introvert and not everyone likes being ‘out there’.
I was also quiet at school but not with my friends. For me it was/is a confidence thing. I’m not good at talking in groups/public speaking but I’m fine in smaller groups/one-to-one and have got better as an adult (I ignore the fact I go red 😆 but I also go to a lot of meetings and notice others do too).