Anyone with a quiet child? - upset at what teacher has said at parents eve

[Afternooninthepark]

Dd is 10 and in year 6.
Tonight was her parents evening. Each year we are told that dd is very quiet which is fine not a shock as I know she is one of the quiet ones, the world is full of different personalities, we can’t all be loud and super confident.
However, tonight the teacher made a real issue about it. She told me she thought dd was too quiet, never participated and that she thought her self esteem was extremely low. She even went on to say that she thought if dd had her way ‘she would crouch into small ball and hide under the table’! She also suggested she should speak to the Relate counsellor??!!
I told the teacher this was a bit of shock to me. Dd is quiet but at home she is witty and funny, always happy, very very arty and creative, has a big love of animals and just a lovely, loving, kind & wonderful daughter.
She never says she hates school, always goes in happily and very rarely complains about much.
I’ve asked dd if she is happy at achool and she says she is and doesn’t understand why the teacher is saying this.
I’m upset and worried now. It’s as though the teacher thinks being quiet is a major flaw or that there is some underlying issue as to why she is quiet. And why on earth would she think that just because she is quiet that it means she has low self esteem??
Anyone else with a quiet child?

I remember a parents‘ evening at our sons secondary school when he was probably about 15. The teacher made a big fuss about him being very quiet and a loner who was isolated from his class. Would have worried and upset us except while we were waiting to see him, 2 sets of parents had approached us to say what a nice boy he was and how glad they were that their kids had him as a friend. My point is that sometimes teachers see the children in their care very differently to everyone else. Sometimes I wonder if they’re even talking about the right child
As long as your DD is happy, ignore the teacher’s comments. There are probably parents with rowdy children who would consider it praise

In my experience as a shy and quiet child was the more people went on the worse I got so I’d say sod her opinion. Give your dd plenty to be positive about and look forward to a fresh start in secondary school.

I now work in a very busy tourist attraction and have to speak to people all the time foreigners and brits. all walks of life so it hasn’t held me back.

Very unconstructive way for teacher to approach this - if she is missing out on learning by not participating due to confidence, then teachers should be looking at ways to build her up - not ‘fob’ her off as depressed...and I am sure they would be have a proper procedure which involved children’s health services, not an off the cuff suggestion to try Relate! I would ask to speak to the head teacher and work out if this is an issue that is really affecting her work and school experience, and if so how it can be worked on together. A friend had similar off cuff remarks re being depressed, but nursery age and Head apologised as was totally wrong thing to say! This is a good website if self esteem Mindtools For Kids x

We got told at virtually every parent/teacher evening that DD was a quiet child. I reached a point where I wanted to hold up a sign saying "Yes, we KNOW she's quiet, we don't need to hear it again."

I'll be honest, skimmed through others answers, but Yes! Thats my daughter to a tee!
My daughter is 11, she admits she's quiet, shy, finds it hard to make friends, but has some lovely ones anyway, is totally unlike her younger sister who will go up to folk and basically tell these other kids that they are to be friends, but like yours, my daughter has a very dry witty sarcastic sense of humour, has me in fits, loves her animals and her art-work which she can do for hours, no, you won't find her screaming with a load of other kids, or being the leader, but she will happily take care of the younger ones and read to them, and she is the happiest kid I know.
I home ed my kids, so there are no teachers to tell me that my childs personality is wrong...but your daughter sounds so much like my own, think I would have to go in and ask what the problem is exactly, this is the wrong age for your child to be made to feel abnormal when she sounds so lovely x

Another introvert here who was a very shy & quiet child. I’ve spent my life trying to be more extroverted but am finally happy in my skin.
There’s a brilliant TED talk by Susan Cain who wrote the book Quiet - The Power of Introverts. It was a game changer for me. She talks about why it’s so important that we value introverts and what they can bring. Definitely worth a watch.

Link to TED talk...
m.youtube.com/watch?v=c0KYU2j0TM4

This could have been written about my daughter. Last year, both parents eve's were dominated by her teachers (2xPT) telling us how quiet she was. Was very targeted so much that we thought they were hinting at some other issue. Nothing about her positives (we later found out chatting to parents of her friends she was doing very well with maths and English so there would have been plenty of positives).
I then witnessed a parent/pupil library lesson with the teachers. The kids were all sat on mat and told to not shout out but put hands up when knew answers. My dd did exactly as was told, sat quietly with hand up but was completely overlooked and ignored for favour of louder children who jumped up, shouting answers in the teachers faces. After talking to her realised she always did as the teacher asked and was never picked to answer.
Cut to this year with a more experienced teacher and yes she's still quiet but the teacher is very fair and let's all the children have a voice, this in turn has done wonders for my dd's self confidence.
Point I'm trying to make is it's not always down to the child but the environment they're in too.

I agree with comments about the teacher being at fault. I am a prep school teacher and see it as my responsibility to nurture, build confidence and give opportunity to the quieter children. I want to create an environment where they feel able to participate and are never overlooked. But I am quieter myself, and was a lot quieter as a child. I remember continually being labelled quiet as a child and how irritating it was. It was like being criticised for being me! Meanwhile, children shouting out, taking over or being loud and stroppy were loved and their 'flaws' of being 'too loud' laughed about, celebrated almost.
I would challenge the teacher and go back. Explain what you said on here and that you would really like your DD to be valued and her qualities (and no doubt a few other kids in the class too) celebrated.

My DD was very quiet at primary school. And the more aware she became of the fact that it was an issue for the teachers, the quieter she became. She had no problem at home or around people outside school, thought she was never overly noisy. One reason was that being quite clever she disliked being thought of as a swot. But she admits that the more she felt teachers tried to get her to participate more the more she felt singled out which she disliked and the more she felt like not participating out of stubbornness.
She thrived much better at secondary school, where left to fend for herself instead of under the beady eye of an 'over-encouraging' teacher she felt she could say what she wanted, when she wanted, without pressure. And she made, and kept, plenty of lovely friends. She is in her 30s now and still has really good friends from primary school.
As this particular teacher admits she writes stuff in your DDs book, not knowing if she's had a good week or not, she doesn't sound like she actually has that much insight into what's actually going on. Keep the lines of communication open with DD and listen to her I'd say.

I have a quiet child. Yep fed up hearing about it from family, friends, strangers and teachers. I’d be rich if i got £1 every time i was asked if dc ‘could talk’ or was autistic. I bit my tongue to stop me from saying they don’t talk to knob heads and i wish i could do the same!! They all think my child is rude-not true. As the years have gone by and now teen talks away and as always never stops talking at home.

As a naturally quiet person myself, I sympathise. I've spent my life having it minted out to me that I'm quiet, as though it's something I having noticed, should be worried about and should take steps to change.

Constantly being criticised for my quietness was the catalyst for my self esteem and confidence taking a huge nose dive by secondary school, as I thought there was something wrong with me.

The criticisms followed me into my adulthood relationships and career. I turned to drugs and drink to make me more like others... louder, more outgoing, less inhibited. But I loathed myself for it.

It took me to meet my now-DH to finally realise being just 'me' was ok. Being a quiet introvert isn't some kind of bad health condition that needs to be cured!

DHs DM still doesn't 'get' it and over the years has pushed and pushed for me to be more "sociable" than I'm comfortable with, as she thinks my personality "isn't normal" and "not good for her GC" (My DS).

But I no longer let anyone make me feel like shit for who I am. I'm not loud, I'm not comfortable being centre of attention, I don't like crowds, mixing with lots of people and loud noises. I like quiet, I like alone time, I like walking, being amongst nature, reading, arts and crafts, gardening etc. And that's ok. I don't need counselling, any more friends or to get out more!

Tell your DDs teacher your DD is perfectly fine as she is.

*pointed (not minted!)
*hadn't (not having)

There is an amazing Ted Talk that covers introverts. Susan Cain talks about how people over look introverts but that they are the balance to extroverts. Watch it and then send it to the teacher.

I was introverted, but had to learn to be extroverted. Sometimes it is exhausting. If your daughter is happy, then perhaps the teacher needs some education on how to educated and support an introvert.

Both my daughters are introverts and we have also received comments about it, but I know that with support they will fly.

I’m an introvert myself and it pisses me off that the world seems obsessed with loud, brash, vacuous people these days

Not all extroverts are loud, brash and vacuous. Stereotyping goes both ways!

I am a quiet person, was even quieter at school. Has held me back career wise. If my children are similar (no signs so far, both v chatty) then I would want them to be supported, not to be loud, but to be able to participate more.

Ah I could have written this myself. Had parents evening this week for DD1 who is 8. Now it's well documented she is a high achiever, always exceeding expectations, but is also exceedingly quiet and shy. Also she has been through more trauma than a child her age should have been through, which started when she was 6. As a result she is insanely mature but also highly receptive to emotions and also highly emotional herself. To quote her school report "child x is often late to school and this leaves her emotionally fragile for the remainder of the morning" this pissed me off beyond words because for starters we are only a few moments late because her idiot school decided to change the hours to start at bloody half 8, also the school is more than aware of the trauma the family has been through. So for them to basically blame it on her being late and start putting horrendous pressure on her, even telling her she's not going to meet her expectations purely because she misses 5 minutes a mornings, has made me savage. I have made a new appointment with her teacher and I'm going to tear him a new one.

Hi, yes it would upset/annoy me and it has in the past when I have had comments about myself and my DC, as if it is a personality disorder or something! The 2 main issues I have with teachers that say these things are ;-

1. Would they rather EVERY child was loud and chatty, perhaps to the point of difficult to control at times?

2. Don't teachers learn psychology as part of their studies and learn about different personalities and the fact that some people are quiet and some louder? Surely it should not come as a shock to them that some children are quiet and it is best not to make a big issue out of it.

If your DD has been upset by this I would have a word with the teacher and/or head, infact I would have a word anyway because these comments sound well OTT.

Your DD sounds lovely (btw a close rel of mine is a very quiet shy person, however she manages to be a consultant of a very big A&E, which shows you how much nonsense teachers spout at times)

Obviously I am not referring to all teachers in the above post, I know all don't make it an issue.

My DD (9) is very quiet with people she doesn’t know and in large groups but extremely confident and socially able. She’s also very academic.

Her lovely teachers have often expressed concern during their first term with her, but soon realise she’s not having difficulties and simply doesn’t speak unless she thinks she has something worth saying.

I’d much rather teachers expressed possible concerns, even if they’re wrong, but the way your DD’s teacher spoke about her was rather extreme - looking like she’d rather hide under the desk/suggesting you call relate?

I’d go back and have a chat with the teacher and tell her how her comments made you feel. I’m no snowflake and I’d be unsettled hearing that. Do ask her to clarify if she really thinks DD needs counselling or it was just a throwaway comment.

Perhaps also encourage your DD to contribute in class discussions and check there really isn’t anything affecting her. Can’t do any harm and she may benefit from a little extra help.

YES!
My daughter was silent. Confident and proud of her quietness.

The teacher is a jerk.

Introverts are everything you described your daughter and they deserve respect.

My mother said i could talk the leg off a chair at home but she told teachers to get over it bc i was quiet at school too.

This emphasis on teachers who want children to fit into their ideas is harmful.

Nothing wrong with your daughter. Don't let her be harmed by stupid opinions.

NOW I'M REALLY ANGRY ON HER BEHALF!

Give her hugs and accept her bc everyone is different and if she's fine, she's fine.

Teacher is problematic.

Would they rather EVERY child was loud and chatty, perhaps to the point of difficult to control at times?

Christ no. Most teachers would rather have pupils who are quiet when not answering or doing group work etc. As has been pointed out, teachers feel they need to comment on how quiet a pupil is, not because they have a problem with quiet people, but because it makes it harder to see how well the child is understanding and whether they are able to express their understanding.

If your child simply prefers to be quiet, why does she talk the hind leg off you at home, and not speak at school? So many people jumping up to defend being quiet - quiet fine, quietest one in the class and not participating? Needs (gently) helped to build their ability to contribute effectively. Job market doesn’t like silent people, for the most part.

Why did they wait till parents night to bring it up if they had concerns they should have contacted you before now!! My daughter has always been classed the the quiet child personally id rather it be that way than the chatty child or the one who disrpts the lessons .

Get her the Susan Cain book for the end of year present.

My eldest is quiet in class. We had one parents evening where her y8 English teacher spoke in a rather strange 3rd person plural way about it '..we don't seem to want to speak in class...we don't participate in group discussions... '

I tried explaining that her class had a lot of very loud personalities, to no avail.

Back in primary school there was one teacher who said of her ' she is quiet but not shy' and I really respected that teacher for having that insight, because she'd got it spot on. Whereas i suspect the ones like your DDs pigeonhole kids as quiet, shy, lacking in confidence, unhappy at school etc etc.