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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to feel this about cousin relationships?

300 replies

AliceAforethought · 04/03/2019 23:40

I was chatting with an acquaintance yesterday (a fellow school mum) and she mentioned that a cousin of hers was married to their own first cousin (on the other side, not related to the school mum). I may have said an apparently not too interested “Oh really?” but inside I thought “Eww!”.
The school mum laughed and said “the children seem normal... so far!”

I know it’s legal, but I can’t help but have a feeling of unease/ distaste about cousin relationships. AIBU to feel this? I read some time ago that the risks to any resultant children are not great, but then more recently that it was greater than previously thought.
The school mum clearly felt there was something a bit off about it, too!

Am fully prepared to be told IABU, but wondered if others felt like this? Sleeping with a cousin just seems to have a bit of an ick factor to me!

OP posts:
PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 05/03/2019 18:14

But we all have this inbuilt aversion up to a point: We wouldn’t want a sexual relationship with a sibling, would we? Definitely not! Or a parent?

So, if there is no attraction why do we have incest legislation?

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Genetic_sexual_attraction

The chances are if you haven't been brought up together , you will find a sexual attraction, we are pre-programmed to replicate our own genes. People often marry mirror images of themselves. People tend to select mates who are like themselves.[4] This holds for both physical appearance and mental traits. People commonly rank faces similar to their own as more attractive, trustworthy, etc. than average.[5] However, Bereczkei (2004) attributes this in part to childhood imprinting on the opposite-sex parent.

flowersinthebedroom · 05/03/2019 18:27

I have 2 sisters who married 2 brothers so their children were double cousins.
2 of the cousins were in a relationship for a while, it was very odd.

Krouse64 · 05/03/2019 18:57

My uncle and his first cousin married, her parents were also first cousins. All three of my uncles children were born with health issues.

Jiggles101 · 05/03/2019 19:49

My kids and their cousins look so alike, they're more like siblings. I like to think I'm an open minded type of parent but I really wouldn't be happy if they wanted to marry of them 😣

Jiggles101 · 05/03/2019 19:50

I believe the 'ick factor' is called the westermarck effect and is supposed to be nature's way of guarding against incest and therefore birth defects.

Cherrysoup · 05/03/2019 20:06

Didn’t Adam and Eves children procreate, we are all descended from them?

Don’t be ridiculous. 🤦🏼‍♀️

SemperIdem · 05/03/2019 20:25

I find it a bit bizarre, in this day and age.

I can understand how it happened historically, people lived and died in the same village they were born in. When travelling to a different county is big deal, it is easy to see how the pool of eligible young people might be on the shallow side.

Now? No, I don’t get it.

Cheekyblinders · 05/03/2019 20:34

I had a colleague a few years back who was married to his first cousin. Both of their children were born profoundly deaf. Couldn’t imagine marrying my only male cousin though his wife does have the same name as me!

GunpowderGelatine · 05/03/2019 20:38

YANBU. DH's brother goes out with his/their cousin and it makes us (DH in particular) heave. I posted on MN when they got together about 3 years ago (both mid 30's) to see if IWBU to find it gross. In typical MN fashion I got flames to death with lots of people claiming (if my brother said he was seeing our cousin I would be sooooo happy for him" Hmm liars

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 05/03/2019 20:43

It’s completely “ewwww”. It just IS.

Yidette86 · 05/03/2019 20:50

I personally think it's gross and a bit weird but each to their own...

Original poster
AliceAforethought · 05/03/2019 21:31

So, if there is no attraction why do we have incest legislation?

We have legislation against all sorts of things that most of us wouldn’t consider, like rape and murder, for example.

The chances are if you haven't been brought up together , you will find a sexual attraction, we are pre-programmed to replicate our own genes. People often marry mirror images of themselves

If I found I had a long lost brother, uncle, cousin etc.who was attractive, and I got on well with, I would certainly not entertain the idea of a romantic / sexual relationship with him. Just the knowledge that we were related would kill any attraction dead for me.

I’m not saying cousin relationships are inherently bad, and I know that a one off instance where no other consanguinity exists is unlikely to be hugely risky to any resultant offspring; merely that it is something that I feel an instinctive aversion to.🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Girlinstripedpyjamas · 05/03/2019 21:48

Fascinating thread reading about the blood groups and how genes work. I’ve a friend who says she’s experienced lots of disabilities in teaching where children are from very closely related families. It’s so sad

PanickAttack · 05/03/2019 21:50

Would you find it “eewww” if a 35 yr old man married a 42 year old woman and tries for kids ?

Because he is taking a greater genetic risk on his offspring than a cousin to cousin.. scientifically speaking.

I don’t mean to be insensitive, this scenario did happen in my relatives as did cousin to cousin marriage.

Not trying to minimise the risk... my own brother was interested in a first cousin and we advised him against it because of the genetic factors. But I just think the focus on the topic aside from all else is only because it’s alien to the culture of the OP. Otherwise the stance should be the same.

PanickAttack · 05/03/2019 21:52

And for the record, the older women did give birth to kids with disabilities and the man blamed her age for it and left her for a much much younger woman. Hmm.

So shall we also say it’s selfish for older women to breed?

Blablaa · 05/03/2019 22:15

Some of these comments are shocking and extremely narrow minded.

Blablaa · 05/03/2019 22:19

Also amusing or quite scary rather how some posters knowledge has come from a documentary they once saw and now managed to build a set of beliefs from.

user1457017537 · 05/03/2019 22:21

Blablaa well call me old fashioned and narrow minded, but I would rather my children had the best chance of good health and not jeopardise their well being by shagging a cousin.

Drum2018 · 05/03/2019 22:32

I know 2 couples married to first cousins. Kids are fine. Don't see an issue with it.

Given the amount of children born by unofficial sperm donation, from one night stands, lots of children given up for adoption many years ago with closed records - who knows if people aren't marrying cousins, or even siblings?

M4J4 · 05/03/2019 22:33

What a sneery, judgemental thread.

People are taking a pop at the Pakistani community whilst dressing it up as curiosity.

I'm sure a lot of Pakistani people are disgusted and think 'ewwww' at drunk people getting off their tits on alcohol, throwing up in the streets, costing the NHS millions in taking care of drunken injuries and shagging one night stands but I don't see them posting sneery threads about it.

Some posters have been level headed and some have explained about their own parents or other family members who married their cousins, I don't mean them.

TwistinMyMelon · 05/03/2019 22:34

Breeding with first cousins is known to really significantly affect the chances of generic conditions, so whilst it is legal, from a health perspective it is dubious.

evaperonspoodle · 05/03/2019 22:39

^link?

PanickAttack · 05/03/2019 22:42

M4J4

“People are taking a pop at the Pakistani community whilst dressing it up as curiosity.

I'm sure a lot of Pakistani people are disgusted and think 'ewwww' at drunk people getting off their tits on alcohol, throwing up in the streets, costing the NHS millions in taking care of drunken injuries and shagging one night stands but I don't see them posting sneery threads about it.“

Yes this is precisely what this is about, targeting a specific culture/faith group with ill informed judgements.

Which is why I brought up the concept of the queen being so much more inbred, and groomed at the age of 13.

Superiority complex which manifests itself as virtuous to sneer at other people. That’s quite eww.

Being non English myself, I have aloottt of things about the culture that I disagree with , greatly, and think is highly illogical. Yet I have more respect than to sneer like that as it shows nothing but narrow mindedness when we don’t take the extra mile to understand the diverse backgrounds behind our differences.

Especially if, they’re only applying the science to things in other cultures and not their own.

tor8181 · 05/03/2019 22:46

ive always found the legal side odd and agree its odd

i only have 2 first cousins one male 1 female,both 6 and 8 years younger than me and they look nothing like me even though my dad and his brother are very similar but my 2nd cousin is 8 and since birth she could pass for my daughter so there has got to be some dla link between cousins

LIVVI1234 · 05/03/2019 22:48

I feel like this board is some alternate universe, when he fuck did it become socially and morally acceptable to marry your first cousin?? Marrying one of my mums sisters kids? Utterly vile!!

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