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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to feel this about cousin relationships?

300 replies

AliceAforethought · 04/03/2019 23:40

I was chatting with an acquaintance yesterday (a fellow school mum) and she mentioned that a cousin of hers was married to their own first cousin (on the other side, not related to the school mum). I may have said an apparently not too interested “Oh really?” but inside I thought “Eww!”.
The school mum laughed and said “the children seem normal... so far!”

I know it’s legal, but I can’t help but have a feeling of unease/ distaste about cousin relationships. AIBU to feel this? I read some time ago that the risks to any resultant children are not great, but then more recently that it was greater than previously thought.
The school mum clearly felt there was something a bit off about it, too!

Am fully prepared to be told IABU, but wondered if others felt like this? Sleeping with a cousin just seems to have a bit of an ick factor to me!

OP posts:
Deadringer · 06/03/2019 12:07

Two of my school friends married their first cousins, neither of them knew each other growing up they met as adults. I think it a bit weird that the bride and groom mum's are sisters, but I see them often and I never think of it really. Their kids are fine. Funny enough both of my friends married quite late and neither of them seemed the marrying kind. I am not close to my own cousins, I have never met some of them so no ick factor for me.

evaperonspoodle · 06/03/2019 12:17

Panick I mentioned Ashkenazi Jews and Travellers. What annoys me about these crap documentaries is that there often appears to be an agenda, 'look how inbred Pakistanis are killing their children by ' and then as can be witnessed here on this thread people purport it as fact. The issue is much more complex than consanguinity. Most of the children in the UK who die from inherited genetic diseases are white British and their parentage is non related.

Original poster
AliceAforethought · 06/03/2019 13:17

Thank you, PaulHollywood

I have avoided naming any groups or individuals, and have disregarded posts that do. I have no desire to discuss individual people or any groups in particular.

It’s silly that some have called racism and then, rather than just shoot it down or report it say “What about this group or person? No ones mentioned them” - hoping that there will be racism/criticism against other peoples, too. Confused

Complex and centuries old customs, traditions and practices inform the culture of any country or community. It takes a special sort of arrogance and ignorance to pick on a culture and say “you’re doing this wrong”.

I started this thread about personal, individual feelings towards consanguinity in general as I was interested in how others felt. I didn’t start a community/culture/race bashing thread nor encourage one.

Please report racist posts as and when you see them.

OP posts:
SchadenfreudePersonified · 06/03/2019 13:39

Given the amount of children born by unofficial sperm donation, from one night stands, lots of children given up for adoption many years ago with closed records - who knows if people aren't marrying cousins, or even siblings?

Indeed!

SchadenfreudePersonified · 06/03/2019 13:41

But if I told you who my first cousin is, I think I could be pretty confident that almost every MNer would agree that marrying him would be repellent. So, my revulsion may just be a personal thing.

You have GOT to be first cousin of Greggggg Wallace, Michael Gove or Jeremy Clarkson . . .

I feel your pain. Grin

Aquilla · 06/03/2019 13:45

I remember hearing the statistics in Birmingham about this and being horrified. I'm sure it will come back and bite us in the arse - medical bills alone.

Anotherdayanotherdollar · 06/03/2019 13:51

I would agree with previous posters though, with the number of children growing up without knowing (for whatever reason) the true identity of their biological parents, being married to your cousin doesn't seem too bad.

SemperIdem · 06/03/2019 14:27

breeze

On a thread about genetics and the implication of close family members procreating, the Adam and Eve story seems wildly out of place, is my point. Quite obviously.

Lavavase · 06/03/2019 14:39

I know a first cousin married couple. She was adopted as a baby and they didn't meet until they were in their 20s. They liked each other a long time before marrying because they knew there was a stigma and I they tried to find someone else but it didnt work out so they eventually got married and have a grown up son now. Its not gross or weird, its just how it worked out for them.

Hoppinggreen · 06/03/2019 14:41

At my DS school there are 3 children with physical disabilities (one with mental impairment too)
Their parents were cousins and their parents parents on 1 side were cousins too.
It’s a real problem in certain communities and a good reason why even where it’s legal our instinctive reaction to such relationships is often “ew”

Letthemysterybe · 06/03/2019 14:46

Looking back st my family tree there were several cousin marriages. Kind of inevitable when you live in small isolated communities!

Weebitawks · 06/03/2019 14:51

Hmm I knew a boy from Iceland when I was at school. He said his parents were cousins but that as the population was so small most people did find themselves marrying their cousin

zzzzz · 06/03/2019 14:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lolalala7 · 06/03/2019 14:55

In my 20s I had a sexual relationship with my 2nd cousin who was then in his early 30s. We both were living in London at the time. We started up very casually but it got serious and we fell in love. In the end we split because of the stigma and not wanting to tell family back home. It was very rough to end it and we can still to this day barely stand to be in the same room together.

Not something to be entered into lightly.

AnxietyDream · 06/03/2019 15:00

Whether you grow up close to your cousins or not is probably what causes you to find it 'yucky' or 'wrong' (I e. the Westermarck effect).

My husband grew up close to his cousins and finds it icky, I grew up on a different continent to mine and don't see any issue with it.

Scientifically speaking a one off occasional cousin marriage is going to have bugger all genetic risk. (And is pretty natural and normal).

Having families that repeatedly intermarry for generations will cause issues, as will any small gene pool, but that's a different issue really.

RoseMartha · 06/03/2019 15:00

When i did my family tree lots of first cousins married first cousins. I know perhaps it was more common then.

ShePutTheHamsterWhere · 06/03/2019 15:03

My grandparents are 2nd cousins. Confused

M4J4 · 06/03/2019 15:23

@PaulHollywoodsSexGut

Have reported you M4J4 for basically painting the OP as a racist troll, wide eyed and “shocked” that the thread could have taken such a turn.

Report away. At no point have I called OP a racist. Can you quote me if I have? My posts haven't been deleted, OP's had at least a couple deleted though. Go figure.

Original poster
AliceAforethought · 06/03/2019 15:36

One of my deleted posts was for being a sweary when I was defending myself against your accusations —I may have got a bit carried away—, M4J4

The other was because I quoted part of someone else’s post that was later deleted.

Not sure what you can “go figure” about that.

OP posts:
DontCallMeCharlotte · 06/03/2019 15:59

My sister is in a relationship with one of our cousins. There will be no offspring as she has had a hysterectomy (and had done so before they got together). I think she would like to call it a day but I think there would be some fall out as I don't think he'd take it too well and she'd like to maintain her lovely relationship with our aunt (his mother) who I'm not sure actually knows about the liaison...

M4J4 · 06/03/2019 18:23

No you weren't 'defending' yourself against my accusations, Alice, your deleted post was to PanickAttack.

But it really doesn't surprise me that you're choosing to abscribe things to me that I haven't said and blaming me for everything. Look back at the thread, plenty of people are disgusted at this thread.

What you can 'go figure' Alice is that you shouldn't make personal attacks against posters, you will get deleted.

Still waiting for you or your chum PaulHollywood to quote where I have called you a racist or a troll. Hmm

The more you post the more it's apparent why you started this thread.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 06/03/2019 18:45

I don’t engage with the professionally offended @M4J4.

Original poster
AliceAforethought · 06/03/2019 18:46

So my deleted post was to PanickAttack. Forgive me, I made a mistake. 🤷🏼‍♀️ I’m not blaming you for “everything”, how am I doing that?

You call me out for personal attacks after your last post? That’s quite funny.
If you’re insistent on others posting quotes to back up what they’ve said, what is it that I’VE actually posted that is making you so angry?

The more you post the more it’s apparent why you started this thread

Please explain this comment to me.

OP posts:
sagradafamiliar · 06/03/2019 18:57

I'm in camp 'ew' as well. Seriously. We're not in ye olde England anymore, there are other people to pick other than close blood relatives. It's womb-curdling for me to even contemplate.

NameChangedForThis456 · 06/03/2019 20:08

I think its nasty. My children have 2 cousins whose mum and dad are 2nd cousins ( not on my side! )

Lets call the couple antony and georgia, antonys dad is georgias dads uncle. Georgias dad is antonys cousin. The two children they have are brother and sister & also some sort of cousins and share the same great grandparents.

The world is full of millions of people, why would you dip back into your own gene pool Confused