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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my parents are mean with presents?

203 replies

gotweman · 04/03/2019 18:37

Thought I’d do a reverse....

I’m 20 and at university. For my birthday, my parents promised me a new pair of glasses which will cost about £100. Other than that, I got £20 to buy me and my mates some pizza. I got a £1 card through the post too. This is all I got. For my parents we spend about £60 for their birthdays, and considering that we are only able to work for around 8 weeks a year due to university work/commitments it is a not unsubstantiatial chunk. My boyfriend’s parents spent about £200 on me, and my boyfriend about £300.

My parents are professionals with no mortgage and take several cheap holidays abroad every year. They have an income
of around £100k.

Were they mean, or am I being grabby and unreasonable?

OP posts:
Snappedandfarted2019 · 05/03/2019 12:55

I used to get 10-20 max for my birthday you’re being grabby Biscuit

PopGoesTheWeaz · 05/03/2019 12:57

Presumably your parents are paying for your uni, your housing, still giving you allowance?
I think you sound pretty petty and mean, looking at the ££ of what they spent on your birthday.

Sparklesocks · 05/03/2019 13:02

So are you the student, the parent, or a random person who is neither?
Never understand the point of a reverse, especially when they say it’s a reverse!

RiverTam · 05/03/2019 13:04

can you just post the situation properly? This is just tiresome.

mumsiedarlingrevolta · 05/03/2019 13:08

I'm very confused as to who the OP is?

By saying it's a reverse and then posting like the student is off-putting...

But re the question I do think glasses as a birthday present is a bit mean but then I love giving presents-is this a departure from the norm or is this how it's always been??

MadameDD · 05/03/2019 13:12

Please post who you are OP then we can reply.

hellojason · 05/03/2019 13:16

I think regardless of anyone's income, generosity, travel choices or sight problems the 'student' needs to reconsider their materialism.

ShabbyAbby · 05/03/2019 13:16

£120 and a card then?

Sounds highly reasonable
My parents have spent less than that most years since I left home, with occasional bigger but useful presents (a piece of furniture, a mobile phone, a laptop for uni, or whatever)
It changed from greed to need when I left home
If I want something but don't need it I pay for it
If I need something either me or my parents might pay for it

Now they just buy stuff for the grandkids, though, with occasional gift of, say, a book or a voucher. That's part of growing up. I am grateful for a card and a phonecall. I buy them little gifts, sometimes spending more than they have on me. But if I average out the times they have helped me with bits over the years, offered to get me a food shop in or whatever when things were tough, then they've definitely spent more.

I hope one day it swings the other way.
They look after us when we are young so we look after them when they are old.

daisypond · 05/03/2019 13:18

I think in total £120 is a generous amount to spend, but I wouldn't consider a pair of prescription glasses a present, really - they're something that are needed, hardly a fun thing. For a student child, if I could afford it, and it sounds like the parents could, a pair of specs is mean, I think.

potatochips84 · 05/03/2019 13:21

I don't think glasses are a bad present if they are something that's needed. Parents possibly thought that they were saving the student £100 that they could then spend on themselves

jannier · 05/03/2019 13:22

So the student is an adult who dosent work and has had £120 plus spent on birthday (extra glasses are a present if that's what was asked for ad not essential) parents are presumably helping to support said child who may well be living above their means if they spend £60 on gifts and have boyfriends who pend £ooo's although being students......who pays the rent, books, spending money????
An income guessed of £100k does not mean they have tones to spare and nobody knows what other commitments they have (other family, historical debt, this child's previous bills, or and inflated income far from reality)
Sounds like a spoilt kid who needs to grow up you got a gift it shouldn't be the value you don't buy love and maybe they realise you need to learn to appreciate what you have.

scaryteacher · 05/03/2019 13:28

I spent about £60 on my ds for his last but one birthday. However, we paid the fees for university in full. We paid for his accommodation, and gave him an allowance, so he didn't have any loans. I think given all that, that £60 was adequate.

His last birthday was about the same, but we took him out for dinner, and I made him a cake as he is living at home again post MA, and we are supporting him til he finds a job.

BrendasUmbrella · 05/03/2019 13:39

Just popping by with my humble brag. My 18th birthday gift from my DPs was a tenner. Not even in a card. My parents were and are generally shit though.

You can't change them. If you could guilt them into being more generous, would you? The best thing to do if the disparity bothers you is reduce how much you spend on them to how much they spend on you.

downcasteyes · 05/03/2019 13:50

Hmmm, if parents are on £100k, and all they give the son is £120 a year, then yeah that's a bit mean.

If, on the other hand, they are paying maintenance/tuition fees/covering costs etc, then absolutely not!

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 05/03/2019 13:51

I think you're over-egging it now OP Hmm

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 05/03/2019 13:53

"paid for by me, the son".
Are you the student's brother?
Perscripton glasses are not a luxury and not really a present either. Birthdays and Christmas are a chance for a student to get something over and above daily living expenses like maybe some new boots or something, esp if they are not permitted to work during term time, £60 sounds like a lot for a student to have to spend on a parent's present. Being a student is just a short time really, before long they will be earning and supporting themselves. What the boyfriend's parents choose to give them is neither here nor there.

GahWhatever · 05/03/2019 14:01

£120 is not a small gift.
The gift from your BF/GF parents is embarrassingly and inappropriately large. Your DP are clearly trying (and failing) to keep your expectations within reasonable limits.
If their income is £100K then you won't be getting much of a loan and will leave uni debt free: you haven't said if they spent years building up the fund. I suspect from your silence that they did.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 05/03/2019 14:07

You're a wrong adult now, not a child. And you sound very grabby!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 05/03/2019 14:09

Wrong adult? Young adult!

Fat fingers...

ShartGoblin · 05/03/2019 14:25

Actually I do find it weird that the parent's gift totals £120 and the child's gift is 2 x £60. That's the same spent with vastly different incomes.

I agree with @MTGGirl though that the important part of gift giving is the heart. Sticking £20 in the post and maybe paying for glasses at some point ("which will cost" implies that you haven't got them in time for the birthday) has no heart. I find it quite telling that the card was posted not given.

The financial amount is fine but the amount spent on the parents needs to be massively reduced, the gift is impossible to judge as you haven't answered whether these were asked for.

Instead of whining about your child on Mumsnet with a confusing reverse I would definitely advise actually visiting them and taking an interest in their lives before it's too late.

Money cannot and will not ever buy you a relationship of any substance.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/03/2019 14:33

You are so emotionless op. I also think you are the parent. Your child is asking for you to show you love them. Are you giving money toward living costs? As in several thousand pounds?

If you are, the glasses are ok but a bit shit so something else would have been nice too. £20 was a very small figure for going out. Students tend to drink alcohol in fairly large quantities. That amount would hardly pay for a decent night out!

If you’re not contributing to your child’s education, a pair of glasses, cheap card and £20 is rubbish.

Pk37 · 05/03/2019 14:34

I’m more shocked your boyfriends parents spend £200 on you ! What?!

LancsPear · 05/03/2019 14:39

No one on my course (UCL) worked.

Prequelle · 05/03/2019 14:40

That 'Oxbridge bans from working' makes me have a massive eye roll. Students like student nurses are told that they absolutely shouldn't be working as they have to study plus work for free for 37.5hrs for the NHS... however the majority have to. So that's 70+ hour weeks alongside writing assignments and revising. If they can anyone can (excluding those with kids, although lots managed it even then)

Back to the topic, this is confusing. I don't think a parent should get their child glasses for their birthday. But if a son wanted to buy their parents something useful then yes glasses is a good idea.

Raspberry10 · 05/03/2019 14:42

£1 card in the post (that to me says it all - like your daughter should be grateful you spent that much) and some new glasses, on an income of 100k. You’re cheap.