AIBU.... Friend's sick daughter

[ViolaD77]

Ugh where do I start?
An old friend of mine who I see every now and then has a daughter of 5 who has cystic fibrosis. I have no kids, but understand the severity of this condition, the stress, the upset and devastation my friend is going through. So much so I've always tried to treat her little girl, Xmas, birthday, Easter, Halloween etc and always take a gift when I see her as she is special. However the past year its now expected and on one occasion I hadn't had a chance to go to the shops to get anything plus being it was day time I thought her DD would be at school so it wouldn't matter. When I got there, little girl was there,i said sorry I didn't have time to go shop.. Little girl has hissyfit, screaming and asks why did I bother coming? 😕 I sorta expected my friend to tell her its a tad rude but didn't, instead she said 'well, you usually buy her stuff....' I didn't know what to say so I said nothing! My friend constantly goes on about her heartache over DD and how she wants to make every day special for her etc etc and moans about people who don't bother so regardless of that one occasion last summer I carried on with the generosity. I also noticed if we go out there's lots of hints like 'oh DD would love that, I wish I had the money'... Yes I got sucked in a few times but what does it matter if this little girl doesnt have long to live?!
Anyway the past year I have noticed after buying some pretty cool gifts, designer clothing, trainers, scooters, barbie houses, 4ft pony etc etc, that her little girl never uses them, never has them in her room (friend has small house, can't really hide them) or wears anything I've bought her. I don't expect at all for these to be brought out just for my convenience to make me feel they were appreciated but literally... Everything I've ever got her, nowhere to be seen.
Well, a few months ago I started using my fb again and saw my friend had been tagged in lots of posts from other mums thanking her for their child's birthday and Xmas gifts over a number of months I wasn't on fb. Guess what are in the photos? Yes, my gifts! I also had a selling group come up on my feed and she's on there, selling other stuff I bought her.
I was hurt yes but not because I've bought them but more the fact my friend pleads poverty at times and the whole 'we have to make DDs time special because of illness' and hints at me what little girl woukd like for birthday /Xmas. If that's her way of thinking why is she giving away this stuff?!
I've never told her I knew but Xmas just gone I decided, as money was tight, I'd just get basics, a big colouring book of her fave TV characters, fave chocolates and a unicorn bag for school. Friend msged me Xmas day to say thanks but added 'there were no colouring pencils with it for her to use'. Cut this long story short friend hasn't bothered with me since and even though I only saw her every now and then I just now she's annoyed at my cheap presents following her text!
It's little girl's Bday again soon.. Do I bother?! I just feel like I've been mugged off a bit. AIBU?

She may live a while- CF patients have an expected life span of 30's-50's usually though obviously it can vary.

Don't give into this child, she's not 'special' because she's ill. Yes it's unfortunate but I wouldn't be treating her any differently. I think the mother hasn't helped with her child's entitled mindset.

Also YADNBU to feel mugged off!

You dont need to keep buying gifts like this. It sounds like you are mixed up as to what is expected because of her illness, you are her friend not santa. You sound very generous but there is no need for all these gifts.

Wow, just wow. YANBU. I wouldn't get anything. Then when friend asks, say that you have seen all your previous gifts being sold. She is a CF of the highest order. You say she isn't bothering with you. Enjoy the peace.

You know what @spudina you are right.... I will enjoy the peace.. I think the emotional guilt tripping got to me a bit as I felt sorry for her 🙁

Unfortunately it sounds like this old friend wouldn't be friends with you unless you kept on buying.

I don't think you will be able to stop buying and keep the 'friendship' which is not really a friendship but more a donating/source of presents and money experience for you.

You might be able to live with it if you want to spoil the child anyway, I wouldn't and I wouldn't carry on purchasing presents for the mum to sell or give away as presents herself.

You aren't really enriching the child's life as the stuff isn't going on her.

It's a huge shame this has happened, all you can do is what you can live with, I would stop buying anything except the smallest token gift, if that, but I think you should be realistic there will be kick-back and eventually they will lose interest in your visits (I think this would be the best outcome for you personally anyway).

Yanbu it sounds like this 'friend' is using you because she knows you care for this little girl. I would be so annoyed if she was selling or regifting things I had bought. It's a hard one because you obviously care for the girl but I wouldn't want a friend like her mum in my life. I get that money maybe tight so I can maybe slightly see where she's coming from with the regifting thing if the girl doesn't play with them (not that I agree because I wouldn't do it) but now you've found out I think you should mention it to her. If you don't it'll annoy you more and more.

caan’t believe she messagedyou to say their were no colouring pencils, after you generously gave her a gift? Surely she must have some in the house?! Rude behaviour.

She’s five and she is coping with something that people in their 80s struggle to cope with - life limiting illness and early death. Give her a few breaks and passes, she deserves them.

I don’t know why some posters think the fact she might live to 30-50 means it’s insignificant. I’m 40 and I would be gutted if I was told I was only going to live to 50, how is a 5 year old supposed to process the same?

@petalflowers my other friend said that and that was made it quite obvious she was annoyed. A few days after Xmas said friend msged me asking where I got the colouring book from and how much was it because she wants to get it for someone as a present... I couldn't help but think she was trying to find out how much I spent exactly 🙁

@bejamnostalgia I agree this is why I wanted to spoil her and help my friend. I can't begin to imagine being told your child has something so terrible.

I agree, your 'friend' sounds like a textbook example of a CF!

I think you're very kindhearted, but unfortunately your kindness is not appreciated.

I would say you have every right to buy gifts for those you care about. I wouldn't buy her anything. I would be straight with her and tell her why.

Of course she was trying to find out where you got it from. I'm not unsympathetic to the fact your friends daughter has a life limiting illness BTW. It just doesn't excuse her Mums grabby behaviour. When people buy my DDs birthday gifts, I thank them. Because that's what you do.

If still want to be generous to the little girl, why not personalise gifts so that they can't be sold or regifted? I got my nephew a set of coloured pencils stamped with his name, for example (not because of regifting, but because he is a chronic loser of possessions; this has been partly successful).The mail order catalogue I used had nice backpacks in it (you mentioned getting a backpack for her) with the child's name embroidered onto it. Or marking up clothing with a Sharpie "so it won't go missing at school"? Inscription inside a book's front cover? I guess it's a bit PA, but you could at least ensure that the little girl got some use and pleasure out of her gifts. If thanks become lukewarm, you can draw your own conclusions......

@twoshedsjackson to be honest you just reminded me which I forgot to add to my original post! I did do this on two occasions and one of those items were for sale on her Facebook

Double rude, once asking about colouring pencils, and secondly about cost.

Third rude - selling on

Time is something that can't be sold on. Instead of material things, spend time with her.

It doesn't sound like the CF friend would value time spent over money spent. Sorry OP but it doesn't sound like she values your friendship without you spoiling her child.

She's emotionally blackmailing you to buy gifts for the sick daughter so she can sell them on ebay!

If you do knitting or embroidery or anything like that you should make the girl something with her name on it, then the mother can't sell it on

She’s five and she is coping with something that people in their 80s struggle to cope with - life limiting illness and early death. Give her a few breaks and passes, she deserves them.

But this isn't really about the girl who HAS CF; it's about her mum who IS a CF. How is the girl benefiting at all if the gifts are being put straight into a cupboard for regifting or selling before she even sees/gets to open them?

If anything, it's the mum who's exploiting her daughter's illness and not the kind friend who isn't being sympathetic.

The OP could always casually mention financial circumstances and give the mum the opportunity to say if she's struggling - and then maybe offer advice or mention organisations/charities which may be able to help her.

However, coldly identifying the more valuable toys that she could get most money for and then pretty much asking the OP to buy them on the pretext of her ill daughter greatly benefiting from them - and selling them straight on, doubtless for a fraction of what the OP paid for them - is outrageous CFery.

Full name and surname on the gifts from now on.
Write inside book covers.
Pretty sticky labels saying to and from stuck on every gift.
Don't buy anything that you can't do this to.
Or just stop buying?
The Mum sounds awful.

I was going to suggest personalised gifts. Get/make them extremely personalised - "Olivia Lily Jackson - Happy 5th Birthday - 18th April 2019."

For a decent, caring parent: a beautiful present and lifelong keepsake for their child.

For a CF parent: good luck in finding much of a resale market for that!

This is getting very confusing.

CF = cystic fibrosis. Also using the same abbreviation in this specific thread for cheeky fucker is unhelpful.