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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU.... Friend's sick daughter

161 replies

ViolaD77 · 03/03/2019 01:12

Ugh where do I start?
An old friend of mine who I see every now and then has a daughter of 5 who has cystic fibrosis. I have no kids, but understand the severity of this condition, the stress, the upset and devastation my friend is going through. So much so I've always tried to treat her little girl, Xmas, birthday, Easter, Halloween etc and always take a gift when I see her as she is special. However the past year its now expected and on one occasion I hadn't had a chance to go to the shops to get anything plus being it was day time I thought her DD would be at school so it wouldn't matter. When I got there, little girl was there,i said sorry I didn't have time to go shop.. Little girl has hissyfit, screaming and asks why did I bother coming? 😕 I sorta expected my friend to tell her its a tad rude but didn't, instead she said 'well, you usually buy her stuff....' I didn't know what to say so I said nothing! My friend constantly goes on about her heartache over DD and how she wants to make every day special for her etc etc and moans about people who don't bother so regardless of that one occasion last summer I carried on with the generosity. I also noticed if we go out there's lots of hints like 'oh DD would love that, I wish I had the money'... Yes I got sucked in a few times but what does it matter if this little girl doesnt have long to live?!
Anyway the past year I have noticed after buying some pretty cool gifts, designer clothing, trainers, scooters, barbie houses, 4ft pony etc etc, that her little girl never uses them, never has them in her room (friend has small house, can't really hide them) or wears anything I've bought her. I don't expect at all for these to be brought out just for my convenience to make me feel they were appreciated but literally... Everything I've ever got her, nowhere to be seen.
Well, a few months ago I started using my fb again and saw my friend had been tagged in lots of posts from other mums thanking her for their child's birthday and Xmas gifts over a number of months I wasn't on fb. Guess what are in the photos? Yes, my gifts! I also had a selling group come up on my feed and she's on there, selling other stuff I bought her.
I was hurt yes but not because I've bought them but more the fact my friend pleads poverty at times and the whole 'we have to make DDs time special because of illness' and hints at me what little girl woukd like for birthday /Xmas. If that's her way of thinking why is she giving away this stuff?!
I've never told her I knew but Xmas just gone I decided, as money was tight, I'd just get basics, a big colouring book of her fave TV characters, fave chocolates and a unicorn bag for school. Friend msged me Xmas day to say thanks but added 'there were no colouring pencils with it for her to use'. Cut this long story short friend hasn't bothered with me since and even though I only saw her every now and then I just now she's annoyed at my cheap presents following her text!
It's little girl's Bday again soon.. Do I bother?! I just feel like I've been mugged off a bit. AIBU?

OP posts:
sweetcheeksmahoaney · 04/03/2019 09:18

did i read that right...you bought your friends daughter a 4ft pony???

Original poster
ViolaD77 · 04/03/2019 10:41

Yes, she likes my little pony and there were limited edition 4ft ones so I bought it for her. I gave it to her, I know she definitely got that and loved it, she cried as she was so happy with it. I know kids lose interest quick but the emotional pisstake has worn thin

OP posts:
ElizabethMountbatten · 04/03/2019 11:33

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the request of the OP.

Orangeday · 04/03/2019 12:18

Horribly rude. This person is not a friend.

cherish123 · 04/03/2019 17:47

Child and mother are both spoilt brats.

Sewrainbow · 04/03/2019 17:56

Thing is you aren't treating poorly little girl, sadly those well meant gifts are being sold or given away.

If you could cope with the confrontation, I would call her out on the Facebook selling, especially if she tried to guilt trip you again. I doubt you will hear from her again though if you think she is annoyed about a cheap gift Sad

betteristhebutter · 04/03/2019 17:57

You're both showing a bizarre lack of boundaries.

Op. She's not your friend. You are worth so much more than this.

Boysey45 · 04/03/2019 17:59

I'd drop them both like a stone, you are being used big time.
I'd just not reply if the Mum contacts you or be too busy.Its not your responsibility to shower the little girl with gifts and and so what that shes ill. Loads of people are ill and don't behave like this. Get shut.

Witchtower · 04/03/2019 18:07

Yes I got sucked in a few times but what does it matter if this little girl doesnt have long to live?!

I keep re reading this and keep thinking surely I have interpreted indirectly.Yes I got sucked in a few times but what does it matter if this little girl doesnt have long to live?!

I keep re reading this and keep thinking surely I have interpreted indirectly.

Do you mean buy her the world because she has a limited time so money is no object or do you mean what’s the point of buying anything if she’s going to die soon anyway so would be a waste?

Witchtower · 04/03/2019 18:08

*incorrectly not indirectly

mrshousty · 04/03/2019 18:10

Sounds like she needs to teach her dd a bit of manners and gratitude!

Original poster
ViolaD77 · 04/03/2019 18:12

@witchtower of course I mean, it's just money... If she hasn't long to live, what's money at the end of the day if she can be given some happiness before her times up

OP posts:
DarkDarkNight · 04/03/2019 18:13

I’d struggle to stay friends with her she sounds vile.

If you do stay friends I would definitely cut back, and don’t take something every time so it’s expected - I would be mortified if my child asked so openly. Give consumables, harder to sell.

MissLadyM · 04/03/2019 18:17

She's a greedy cunt who is using her daughter for her own needs and financial gain. Tell her everything you know & cut her loose. People like her always have other cash cows lined up

Bluetrews25 · 04/03/2019 18:18

Are you sure that she actually has cystic fibrosis? (It's a vile disease, not wishing to play that down at all - but some people do lie, if they can gain from it.....)
Life expectancy has increased greatly in the last few decades - 30 years ago you were looking at about 13 years, now more like 40-50, so not necessarily any time soon!
Are you prepared to 'spoil' her for the next 45 years?

Clairaloulou · 04/03/2019 18:19

It sounds to me like this "friend" is playing you like a fiddle! The way she talks it's like she's expecting this child to die any second! My friend has CF so I know what an awful disease it is, but she's 28 and has had a baby now. CF is a life-limiting disease, but it's not terminal. There are lots of treatments including lung transplants. This little girl is special just as any other child is special. Don't let her mum take advantage of your generosity and guilt trip you into being her cash cow!

AcrossthePond55 · 04/03/2019 18:23

what's money at the end of the day if she can be given some happiness before her times up

A noble sentiment. But what is the point of the giving if her mother doesn't allow her to enjoy it or only lets her have it for a short time?

I think I'd stick to less expensive items, start giving 'experiences' that you are a part of (so not just tickets she can sell on), or I'd sadly back away from the friendship.

Witchtower · 04/03/2019 18:25

@ViolaD77 thank you. I honestly had to read like 10 times.

Clairaloulou · 04/03/2019 18:25

@Bluetrews25 has a good point! She would be in hospital a lot, and be on lots of meds, needs physio on her chest daily, be very thin.

Bluetrews25 · 04/03/2019 18:28

At least 2-3 others upthread have suggested the same.

Clairaloulou · 04/03/2019 18:31

@Bluetrews25 I don't think it's nasty, I think it's a sad reflection of today's society that it's easily imaginable that someone would do that.

SnuggyBuggy · 04/03/2019 18:32

I think in a way the cystic fibrosis is neither here nor there, it's still an awful thing for the "friend" to do

jellybeanteaparty · 04/03/2019 18:34

I would maintain the visits but with token presents ( The colouring pencils to go with the colouring book) and see how it goes. If she points out that the presents are less generous you then explain you know she is regifting and selling your presents.

Devora13 · 04/03/2019 18:34

It's so kind of you to treat a friends daughter. Unfortunately, this sounds like a user, not a friend. Having said that, if the daughter is so entitled it could be she loses interest after 5 minutes that's why the stuff is being sold. But a real friend would tell you not to spend too much because of this.

Clairaloulou · 04/03/2019 18:34

@wijjjy why can't he play against another person with cf? Genuinely interested Smile

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