AIBU.... Friend's sick daughter

[ViolaD77]

Ugh where do I start?
An old friend of mine who I see every now and then has a daughter of 5 who has cystic fibrosis. I have no kids, but understand the severity of this condition, the stress, the upset and devastation my friend is going through. So much so I've always tried to treat her little girl, Xmas, birthday, Easter, Halloween etc and always take a gift when I see her as she is special. However the past year its now expected and on one occasion I hadn't had a chance to go to the shops to get anything plus being it was day time I thought her DD would be at school so it wouldn't matter. When I got there, little girl was there,i said sorry I didn't have time to go shop.. Little girl has hissyfit, screaming and asks why did I bother coming? 😕 I sorta expected my friend to tell her its a tad rude but didn't, instead she said 'well, you usually buy her stuff....' I didn't know what to say so I said nothing! My friend constantly goes on about her heartache over DD and how she wants to make every day special for her etc etc and moans about people who don't bother so regardless of that one occasion last summer I carried on with the generosity. I also noticed if we go out there's lots of hints like 'oh DD would love that, I wish I had the money'... Yes I got sucked in a few times but what does it matter if this little girl doesnt have long to live?!
Anyway the past year I have noticed after buying some pretty cool gifts, designer clothing, trainers, scooters, barbie houses, 4ft pony etc etc, that her little girl never uses them, never has them in her room (friend has small house, can't really hide them) or wears anything I've bought her. I don't expect at all for these to be brought out just for my convenience to make me feel they were appreciated but literally... Everything I've ever got her, nowhere to be seen.
Well, a few months ago I started using my fb again and saw my friend had been tagged in lots of posts from other mums thanking her for their child's birthday and Xmas gifts over a number of months I wasn't on fb. Guess what are in the photos? Yes, my gifts! I also had a selling group come up on my feed and she's on there, selling other stuff I bought her.
I was hurt yes but not because I've bought them but more the fact my friend pleads poverty at times and the whole 'we have to make DDs time special because of illness' and hints at me what little girl woukd like for birthday /Xmas. If that's her way of thinking why is she giving away this stuff?!
I've never told her I knew but Xmas just gone I decided, as money was tight, I'd just get basics, a big colouring book of her fave TV characters, fave chocolates and a unicorn bag for school. Friend msged me Xmas day to say thanks but added 'there were no colouring pencils with it for her to use'. Cut this long story short friend hasn't bothered with me since and even though I only saw her every now and then I just now she's annoyed at my cheap presents following her text!
It's little girl's Bday again soon.. Do I bother?! I just feel like I've been mugged off a bit. AIBU?

And it seriously doesn't sound as though the girl is happy, or even getting much, if any, enjoyment from the gifts.

Regardless of the child's illness spoiling them does them no favours. If the girl throws a fit due to not getting a present and is rude that would be enough to stop me buying her gifts regardless of your so called friend regifting or selling them on. I would keep your purse tightly closed in the future even if you end up letting the friendship go. Cystic fibrosis does not mean the child gets away with blue murder. She will find it hard to make friends and build strong relationships if she is never taught any manners and grows up with a sense of entitlement.

Is there any reason she won't live into her 30's+ like many people with cystic fibrosis can? Has she been told her case is much more life limiting? She could well have a transplant in later years and live even longer. Your 'friend' is shocking to be using her dds illness for her own financial gain. I'd never buy anything for them again. If you wish to post a card to remember the day then do so but I wouldn't be calling with a present.

@Clairaloulou - people with cf can't mix, cross infection risk it too high.

I would separate your feelings for the child from the mum and instead of stuff, treat her to cinema trips, museum, that kind of thing. You get to treat her and the mum can't sell on.

You sound lovely btw.

She wouldn't necessarily be very thin either, a lot of cfers are a healthy weight, nutrition isn't a huge issue for a lot of them anymore.

Op, my son has cf and he won't live into his 30's the damage is already severe. A lung transplant,ant isn't an option for everyone and starts a whole new clock ticking. Saying all that, your friend is an arse, my kid gets lots of stuff and I always feel terrible accepting it for him but really appreciate the kindness, especially when in hospital for months on end. I would never get grabby or ask or sell anything on. This isn't about CF it's about your friends being vile.

@Bearchild ah I see! I'd never considered that, it's not something my friend and I had discussed. Thank you for enlightening me 😊

OP, YADNBU! Not read all replies on here but in brief the mother and daughter are downright rude!!! Illness or no illness, she needs a lesson in basic manners!

@Bearchild ps sorry to hear about the severity of your son's illness my friend is very thin, and has had periods of quite severe malnutrition. I only have her to base my knowledge on, so apologies if I've got it wrong!

@Clairaloulou

Risk of infections that tend to be specific to an individual. CF patients tend to build up their own "ecology" of infections that they can cope with, but adding a different persons infections to the mix is not good, as far as I know.

Get her a book and write on the inner leaf: to dear annie, with love on your 6th birthday from auntie Viola. They’ll get caught out if they re-gift it!

They can't mix because of certain lung infections they're prone to particularly called pseudoonas which damages the lungs with every bout. DGD has it is in her teens and doing well. It is very sad they can't mix with their peers who understand them better than anyone. We treat her exactly same as other non cf dgcs.

Don’t hate me, not rtft but I had to comment and say I had a ‘friend’ just like that, but her daughter isn’t ill in any way. Every time we went for a play date, I’d take a snack for the girls to share (3 yo) or maybe a packet of biscuits for her (i’d have max 1 as on slimming world.) She’d often ring just before we were due, realising she’d suddenly run out of bread/blueberries/avocados 😂. One day I went with just a treat for the kids and she complained for a full hour that she “couldn’t believe I’d not taken a treat” for her. I responded with “well, you’re supposed to be an adult so I assumed you’d got your own treats in.” She’d slag off the presents I’d bought for bday/Xmas, tell me I need to contribute for christening and baby shower presents, to which I wasn’t invited. She’d ask for specific presents for her kids for Xmas etc. I got fed up of being used. I’m waiting for her to get in touch with me, which has been since Xmas now, missing both my kids bdays. I don’t know how some people get through life!

my 18 year old daughter has cystic fibrosis and she says '"yes, you are being mugged off and that mum sounds like a bitch"

and stop with the hasnt got long to live. Thats emotional blackmail and she's got you good. Has she spent lots of her 5 years in hospital? unless she has, she is unlikely to be one of the very unlucky ones who dont do well - now they have reclassified it as a life limiting, rather than life threatening illness.

Im not saying it isnt a bastard and takes alot out of you and your family. But this woman is using it for pity and gain. Nasty.

My DS (4yo) has cystic fibrosis. We found out when he was diagnosed at the age of 3 last year when he nearly died in ICU with the flu plus other bacterial chest infections. Like the OP has done, our dear friends and family have rallied round and treated him like a king ever since, not necessarily just with presents but also with their time and their love. But it is never expected, always appreciated, and always properly and profusely thanked for, by both myself and my son.

Nothing that our family has been through would give us the right to treat someone the way you (OP) have been treated by your 'friend'. Do not continue to allow yourself to be abused financially and emotionally in this way any longer

This is so absurd it sounds unreal! Personalised gifts are an excellent idea.

Fuck that OP - your “friend” is massively emotionally blackmailing you and is an all round grabby CF. I’d say don’t bother with a BD pressie, but I’m a soft touch so would probably relent, but get something a little cheaper.

It doesn't sound like a healthy friendship. I would separate out your feelings for your old friend (who is a CF) and her vulnerable daughter. If you feel that you have a significant enough relationship with the child that she would miss you if the relationship changed suddenly, then wind the friendship down more gently, shorter visits, boundaries about gifts and money, and after a while perhaps just cards/small gift at Christmas and birthdays for a year or two. If you think you are not especially significant to the child, then its probably best to exit the unhealthy friendship.

sorry shes using he daughte4rs illness to ge gifts its disgusting

i have two cousins with CF-noone is expected to buy them anything-theyre now on life saving new drugs which is more present than any they could wish for

If you intend to continue the 'friendship', I'd buy nothing more than small, token gifts and make a donation to a CF charity, if you want to.

Tbh, I don't think I could continue the friendship.

You need to end the friendship sadly, she is using you as a cash point. As others have said, I have a friend with a child with CF, and they wouldn’t dream of treating them this way, they want the to grow up feeling the same as their sibling and to feel as normal for as long as possible. Yes I buy them treats when they are in hospital, but not when they are at home and everyday occurrences.
I had a friend who had nothing wrong with her children who expected me to bring presents and food all the time, I stopped seeing them and blocked them and didn’t look back. The kids would grab for my bag when I went in.

The selling your presents blatantly is just a no. She is doing her child no favours,

Its very easy, for her birthday buy her the colouring pencils you forgot at Christmas, you could get some lovely ones with her name on.

When I read the first line or two of your post I thought there would be nothing you could say that would be ok in respect of a cystic fibrosis sufferer, but then I finished reading! My goodness what an awful woman your ‘friend’ is! You do not need to be treated this way by anyone, and she is not doing her daughter any favours by modelling such materialistic and money grabbing behaviour. My son has a very rare lung condition (it is not cystic fibrosis) but the damage is severe and he will be on oxygen for the rest of his life. We don’t expect people to give us or him anything because of it and if they did we certainly wouldn’t throw it back in their faces by being so ungrateful as to regift and or sell it all! My boy is also polite and thoughtful, and will even help around the house with a few things when he feels well enough without being asked, obviously the girl in question is only 5 so wouldn’t be expected to do that and 5 year old girls do have a tendency to be a bit dramatic/trantrum so who is to say how she will be later on in life, I certainly wouldn’t wish her situation on anyone but it does not make up for her mother’s behaviour at all! I wouldn’t bother with anymore expensive gifts if I were you! In fact she should count herself lucky if you ever buy for her again!

You need to take the illness out of this and think how would you feel if you were spending 100s on a child and finding there parent had been selling everything or regifting them! If the child is genuinely happy with the gifts and the parent is selling them as brand new then she is either confiscating them from the child and selling or the child is a great actor! Either way they are so out of order. I understand what you are saying about wanting to treat her but honestly it’s not going to her anyway and you wouldn’t keep it up if she didn’t have an illness so you shouldn’t be giving her special treatment just because she does!