AIBU.... Friend's sick daughter

[ViolaD77]

Ugh where do I start?
An old friend of mine who I see every now and then has a daughter of 5 who has cystic fibrosis. I have no kids, but understand the severity of this condition, the stress, the upset and devastation my friend is going through. So much so I've always tried to treat her little girl, Xmas, birthday, Easter, Halloween etc and always take a gift when I see her as she is special. However the past year its now expected and on one occasion I hadn't had a chance to go to the shops to get anything plus being it was day time I thought her DD would be at school so it wouldn't matter. When I got there, little girl was there,i said sorry I didn't have time to go shop.. Little girl has hissyfit, screaming and asks why did I bother coming? 😕 I sorta expected my friend to tell her its a tad rude but didn't, instead she said 'well, you usually buy her stuff....' I didn't know what to say so I said nothing! My friend constantly goes on about her heartache over DD and how she wants to make every day special for her etc etc and moans about people who don't bother so regardless of that one occasion last summer I carried on with the generosity. I also noticed if we go out there's lots of hints like 'oh DD would love that, I wish I had the money'... Yes I got sucked in a few times but what does it matter if this little girl doesnt have long to live?!
Anyway the past year I have noticed after buying some pretty cool gifts, designer clothing, trainers, scooters, barbie houses, 4ft pony etc etc, that her little girl never uses them, never has them in her room (friend has small house, can't really hide them) or wears anything I've bought her. I don't expect at all for these to be brought out just for my convenience to make me feel they were appreciated but literally... Everything I've ever got her, nowhere to be seen.
Well, a few months ago I started using my fb again and saw my friend had been tagged in lots of posts from other mums thanking her for their child's birthday and Xmas gifts over a number of months I wasn't on fb. Guess what are in the photos? Yes, my gifts! I also had a selling group come up on my feed and she's on there, selling other stuff I bought her.
I was hurt yes but not because I've bought them but more the fact my friend pleads poverty at times and the whole 'we have to make DDs time special because of illness' and hints at me what little girl woukd like for birthday /Xmas. If that's her way of thinking why is she giving away this stuff?!
I've never told her I knew but Xmas just gone I decided, as money was tight, I'd just get basics, a big colouring book of her fave TV characters, fave chocolates and a unicorn bag for school. Friend msged me Xmas day to say thanks but added 'there were no colouring pencils with it for her to use'. Cut this long story short friend hasn't bothered with me since and even though I only saw her every now and then I just now she's annoyed at my cheap presents following her text!
It's little girl's Bday again soon.. Do I bother?! I just feel like I've been mugged off a bit. AIBU?

^

Laugh out loud (see what I did there) I thought the same, also I’ve been around awhile and had no idea what cf stood for. I get bit confused with dds ect and all that haha.

Op the “friend” sounds like she’s taking the piss. I’ve got a lovely Mum friend whose not in a great situation and I treat her and her boys to things a lot. She returns the favour at birthdays ect, she spent nearly 200 on my daughter when she was born in November. All on lovely clothes from next ect.

If this friend isn’t being as kind back I’d drop them honestly. We don’t give to receive, but naturally people should be kind back.

YADNBU to not buy any more gifts.

I think if you do not get anything out of the friendship then I would quietly let it slide. Or just tell her you are broke and can't do presents. Or as other's suggested, personalised.

So sad your friend has done this to you.

I'd be tempted to suggest you bring the ingredients for a cake and bake her a birthday cake with her. I know the little girl asked for gifts but actually I feel sorry for her because she has such a cheeky mum, she can't sell the cake on and you and the little girl may have fun.

I think spending time with her is a way to make sure she has gifts. Like a handmade voucher saying you will take her to the zoo, or build a bear. No more material items.

I think the best gift you can give a child with a serious illness is as normal a life as possible and treat her like other children.This is not normal getting gifts all the time. Child does not need that. Just bring something tiny like a chocolate bar or a fancy pencil and a proper gift at birthday and Christmas just as you would with any other child.
I have taught children with CF and their parents treated them just like their siblings with no abundance of presents. Also l know someone of 42 who has CF and with new drugs coming on stream the prognosis has improved. So that child needs to know how to live a regular life which usually means gifts on select occasions.
So yes a present for her next birthday and then stop it all. Give the child plenty of attention when you call round just as you would any child. Its actually doing her no favours treating her like this.

fuck the next time you go to visit, and are asked wheres my gift??? tell it like it is... No i didnt bring one because as soon as i walk out the door your mother sells it on facebook and if they argue pull out the evidence, and dont listen to the woe is me bullshit, selling kids gifts just after you get them is a bloody shit thing to do, especially when the gift was a requested item!, ( a year or so later but not right away)

Tell her to treat her DD out of the money she made selling the present you gave her!

Just kick this relationship into touch, and as an earlier poster said, enjoy the peace. Whatever it is , it's not a friendship.

Friends don't treat each other like this. She's a leech.

Since the little girl obviously notices the gifts (and has a "hissyfit" if they're not forthcoming) doesn't she notice when they immediately disappear?
I say "immediately" as, since the gifts are being sold/regifted, the packaging must still be intact.
So, she knows she gets gifts but never wonders why she can't open them or see them again?

@BejamNostalgia Did you read the part where op said the child's mother was giving away and selling the gifts before the child has even played with them?? Why would anyone want to buy anyone gifts when they aren't actually benefiting from them??

Am so angry to formulating a proper answer to this has not gone well (lack of sleep not helping), but no, sad as it is that the wee girl has a life-limiting condition, you’re in absolutely no way obliged to buy even token gifts at birthday & Christmas.

As well as the vile behaviour from the mother (the emotional blackmail & selling on etc) she’s not doing her DD any favours by allowing her to behave so badly. My niece is now 6 years older than the average life expectancy for children with her condition, which is so rare that specialists cannot offer a prognosis. She lives day-to-day. She is a very severely disabled wee girl - my sister had to leave her job to provide the care she needs & my DN is allocated the maximum amount of [hospice-based] respite care available in their area. But if she throws a strop she gets told off. I’ve bought her (tiny!) random!presents only a few times (3, I think!) & my sister would never demand stuff from people. I ask what my niece, nephew & step-niece would like for birthday/Christmas, but only to avoid duplicating gifts & so I can get something they’ll definitely like & possibly need (or “need” as with the rollerskates my nephew got this year - they’re a “need” in sense of Saves Parents Buying, IYSWIM?).

Anyway, my point is that children with life-limiting conditions [& complex health needs & disabilities] still need to be able to interact with other humans; & turning them into demanding-entitled little creatures really isn’t doing them any favours. Because while - if they’re in mainstream school - they’ll get the cushioning of “you have to be nice to Soandso, they’re Poorly”, that wears thin. And not unreasonably so. Of course it’s natural to want to [over]compensate for The Donkey Of Destiny giving your child a brutal kicking - but going about it so they’re left struggling to build proper friendships & adults grit their teeth round them isn’t good or helpful in the same way it wouldn’t be if they were in boundingly good health.

Ugh. Grasping behaviour is just grim. Exploiting a poorly child is really grim. And teaching her to be grasping too. It’s like a horrible soup of wrongness & grim.

The Christmas present you got was generous, please don’t think it wasn't. I know you’re comparing it to the pony etc, but I promise, it was a lovely, thoughtful, & v generous-substantial gift. To do anything other than thank you = height of rudeness. Did the wee one thank you herself at all? At that age we’d speak to people on the phone to thank them for gifts... to be fair to her she can’t help what her mother does with the gifts; it must be upsetting for her to have really lovely toys vanish from the house; & her poor behaviour is learnt from her mother, so TOTALLY cutting her off seems a wee bit unfair. At 5 she might well be happy with some random sparkly tat & inexpensive bits to play with though. It’s not often I’d say it, but her mother absolutely deserves you to send something[s] with glitter. Even if she’s awful enough to bin you off because she was using you as a cashpoint not a friend, she’ll never be able to forget you, because the glitter will never be gone...

Further thought (insomnia's a terrible thing). Does your friend's daughter expect gifts every time she sees you (hence the annoyance when you rolled up giftless) but doesn't know about the expensive birthday/Christmas gifts since you may not be there when she would open them?
In which case, if you still want to give her something, why not go round with it on her birthday and encourage her to rip off the packaging and play with/wear/read (sorry for the last - I'm old-fashioned) whatever it is so that she gets pleasure from it and it can't be sold/given on.

That is disgusting! So she’s selling the gifts you’ve bought?! That’s the Lowest of the low in my opinion. Call her on it and cease contact.

If you still want to buy gifts, gifts that are activities areagreat idea - cake making ingredients as someone said earlier, a voucher to go to the cinema with Aunty Viola, a trip to the soft play and an ice cream.

She's not your friend, she's not even a nice person. You don't need that kind of poison in your life, dragging you down.

That is honest to God absolutely shocking. Not surprising but shocking.

comment in her selling page."oh these look nice.youve got some wonderful items for sale" just me then...

Give her a few breaks and passes, she deserves them.

@BejamNostalgia - what's the point in the OP giving the child a few 'breaks and passes', if her Mum flogs then on?

One of DD's best friends has CF, and her parents aren't on the make like this, because they're decent human beings, not absolute cheeky fuckers on the make.

One of my friends has a child with CF and she is treated just like any other child. Your friend is a cheeky fucker and exploiting her child.

Your friend sounds like an absolutely vile person. I feel sorry for the child with a life limiting illness who is being encouraged to behave like Veruca Salt but I doubt there is much you can do for her.

As harsh as this is, awful life limiting illness or not, teaching her to be horrible to other people, that manners don't matter, that it's OK to be friends with someone just because they buy you things, probably isn't going to help her. It may be difficult enough with her condition to make friends and this is only going to make it harder if she is rude and demanding.

Please stop spending loads of money on gifts. Get something cheap or personalised. I do understand that the mum and little girl are going through something difficult that I have no experience of, but plenty of people deal with worse without turning into complete CFs. Maybe money is really tight for her if she is her little girls carer but trying to guilt you into getting money by pretending it's for gifts they want to keep is not on.

A £15 voucher might help OP. No reselling, the child can pick her own toy, and no questions about what was spent.

I lost a friend to cf when i was a teenager. Horrible disease. Yes some children do live to 50 but alot die younger. Op...i would either step back or buy token gift for her daughter but most important id give time. Mum does sound cheeky though.

I would walk away from this ‘friendship’. She has manipulated you into buying things when no child, regardless of illness, needs material items to this degree.

As a previous poster said, she is no friend - you clearly have different values. Walk away for your own peace and sanity.

Dump the so called friend. Yes it's sad about her dd but that is NO excuse...

Gosh poor little girl. Her mother has taught her it is normal to be exploited. Not only does she a debilitating illness, she also has to cope with her mothers difficult training and selling her presents on. Or is she not aware of the gifts? Does she not open the presents in front of you?

You can decide to not keep in contact. You don’t owe the little girl anything. If you wish to keep in contact I agree with others, gifts of time to take her somewhere are the only way to ensure she actually benefits from your gifts.

That woman is not a friend.