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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU.... Friend's sick daughter

161 replies

ViolaD77 · 03/03/2019 01:12

Ugh where do I start?
An old friend of mine who I see every now and then has a daughter of 5 who has cystic fibrosis. I have no kids, but understand the severity of this condition, the stress, the upset and devastation my friend is going through. So much so I've always tried to treat her little girl, Xmas, birthday, Easter, Halloween etc and always take a gift when I see her as she is special. However the past year its now expected and on one occasion I hadn't had a chance to go to the shops to get anything plus being it was day time I thought her DD would be at school so it wouldn't matter. When I got there, little girl was there,i said sorry I didn't have time to go shop.. Little girl has hissyfit, screaming and asks why did I bother coming? 😕 I sorta expected my friend to tell her its a tad rude but didn't, instead she said 'well, you usually buy her stuff....' I didn't know what to say so I said nothing! My friend constantly goes on about her heartache over DD and how she wants to make every day special for her etc etc and moans about people who don't bother so regardless of that one occasion last summer I carried on with the generosity. I also noticed if we go out there's lots of hints like 'oh DD would love that, I wish I had the money'... Yes I got sucked in a few times but what does it matter if this little girl doesnt have long to live?!
Anyway the past year I have noticed after buying some pretty cool gifts, designer clothing, trainers, scooters, barbie houses, 4ft pony etc etc, that her little girl never uses them, never has them in her room (friend has small house, can't really hide them) or wears anything I've bought her. I don't expect at all for these to be brought out just for my convenience to make me feel they were appreciated but literally... Everything I've ever got her, nowhere to be seen.
Well, a few months ago I started using my fb again and saw my friend had been tagged in lots of posts from other mums thanking her for their child's birthday and Xmas gifts over a number of months I wasn't on fb. Guess what are in the photos? Yes, my gifts! I also had a selling group come up on my feed and she's on there, selling other stuff I bought her.
I was hurt yes but not because I've bought them but more the fact my friend pleads poverty at times and the whole 'we have to make DDs time special because of illness' and hints at me what little girl woukd like for birthday /Xmas. If that's her way of thinking why is she giving away this stuff?!
I've never told her I knew but Xmas just gone I decided, as money was tight, I'd just get basics, a big colouring book of her fave TV characters, fave chocolates and a unicorn bag for school. Friend msged me Xmas day to say thanks but added 'there were no colouring pencils with it for her to use'. Cut this long story short friend hasn't bothered with me since and even though I only saw her every now and then I just now she's annoyed at my cheap presents following her text!
It's little girl's Bday again soon.. Do I bother?! I just feel like I've been mugged off a bit. AIBU?

OP posts:
Margot33 · 03/03/2019 10:35

Disabled children and their parents are not exempt from manners?! I used to work with disabled children who had lovely manners. I think you need to stop with the expensive presents, especially if they're are being sold on! Just buy a bag of sweets or box of chocolates for her birthday.

ddl1 · 03/03/2019 10:37

Your friend seems to be using her child's illness to get gifts and money not just for the child but for herself. It may be that your friend really is struggling financially - having a sick family member can be very expensive and state support is often not what it used to be - but she is addressing it in an unhealthy way. If you know her well enough, perhaps you could bring this up directly, and suggest organizations that may help; this could cause an explosion from her, but so could failing to address the problem. And personalized gifts for the child sound like a good idea. Also: as the child grows older, perhaps you might give her fewer presents and more experiences. Children with chronic illnesses often suffer from having to forego what are treats for other children, and being left out of many activities. They may not be able to eat much of the food at parties; they may not be able to go to potentially crowded places of entertainment for fear of infection; they may be left out, or leave themselves out, of many games because of difficulty in keeping up physically, especially if they have breathing difficulties, which are common in CF. Taking her to do something enjoyable under conditions tailored to her physical restrictions and abilities might be a much better gift than toys which her mother keeps on a shelf or sells on e-Bay.

TheresACatInMyLaundryBasket · 03/03/2019 10:43

Wow. Your "friend" is a freeloading user, sorry. I would consider very carefully if I wanted to carry on seeing her. I would also consider publicly calling her out on FB, but I'm a bitch. (and also probably wouldn't do it anyway)

NotTerfNorCis · 03/03/2019 10:58

That's insane! Selling the presents you gave her? I'd have exploded when I found out and confronted her for sure. She's been conning you.

BreakingCakes · 03/03/2019 11:04

I would actually tell her you know she's sold and given away all the presents and you don't appreciate being used as a bank by a so called friend. Then block her everywhere.

^This.

ferntwist · 03/03/2019 11:08

You poor thing OP, this is terrible. I’m speechless at your friend, selling your gifts, pressuring you and most cruel of all not keeping them for her daughter to enjoy, as you intended.
Tell her you know exactly what she’s been doing. Save screenshots.
There are so many children’s charities out there that you could help, either with donations or time. You’re so generous and caring, pour that energy into a good cause. Nothing more for this greedy woman. Such a shame for her daughter but it’s the only way.

Confusedbeetle · 03/03/2019 11:13

Reselling is appalling behaviour

Meangirls36 · 03/03/2019 11:26

Your being scammed block her now.

elliejjtiny · 03/03/2019 11:35

Your friend is a CF for sure. I think you need to massively scale down the presents and treat your friend's dd much more "normally". I have a child with a chronic illness and know a couple of children who have CF. Practical help is so much better than just showering the child with presents. I would love for someone to visit my dc in hospital, bring us some clean washing and sit with my dc so I can go to the loo.

JaneEyre07 · 03/03/2019 11:39

I think I agree with a PP who said you're being scammed. She's making money out of her DDs health condition and that's awful Sad

Honestly, I'd screenshot some of her selling posts and call her out on it. She could also be doing this to others if she's doing it to you.

Sadly, some people are just vile whether their DC have a life limiting illness or not.

NewName54321 · 03/03/2019 11:40

The best thing you can do for this child is to treat her like any other with whom you have an equal level of closeness in relationship. If you want to do something special, then make a donation to the cystic fibrosis charity or her hospital.

Also, difficult one here, but are you sure the child actually does have the condition? Everything you report your friend is telling you is about herself, nothing about the child herself.

emilybrontescorsett · 03/03/2019 11:49

I wouldn't bother buying her anything and I would let her know that you know she has sold gifts you have bought her dd.
I would ignore her birthday or just send a card. If she gets in touch and comments then say "oh I'm glad you have brought up the subject of gifts, as I've been made aware that you have sold the x i bought your dd in fb."
Or
" I know you gave the horse I bought for x away as a gift, so I won't be buying her anything else. "
If she trys to deny it say oh in that case you can show me x y and z when I see you again.

This is appalling behaviour and I would distance myself from her and her dd.

SomeDayPerhaps · 03/03/2019 11:49

OP my heart breaks for you being constantly kicked in the teeth by this manipulative cunt of a 'friend'. She doesn't deserve you.

Cut her loose x

AgentJohnson · 03/03/2019 11:49

Unfortunately, you (pardon the pun) bought into an unhealthy dynamic. It doesn’t mean you should continue to. Your friend sounds unpleasant and having a chronically ill child doesn’t excuse it.

MumUnderTheMoon · 03/03/2019 12:38

Being ill doesn't make you special. Stop that nonsense. A lot of people have cf and actually the life expectancy is on average 37.5 and while that is short it doesn't mean that her mum gets be a martyr or that she gets to be a brat. Her mums attitude is disgusting and as a result so is the child's. Just stop.

LuckyLou7 · 03/03/2019 13:48

Excellent idea to only give personalised gifts from now on, and hand the gifts directly to the child. Or stop giving gifts completely and when asked, tell her exactly why.
Selling stuff on is shameless.

Epanoui · 03/03/2019 13:50

I realise I am missing the point here but I would be absolutely horrified if someone bought my child a 4 foot pony, ill or not!

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 03/03/2019 13:58

The girl’s illness is tragic. But her mother milking it to make money - that’s appalling. Surely you have to call her out on this.

CherryDrop24 · 03/03/2019 15:32

As a mum of a little one who has CF I am not very impressed. It's really upsetting that this mum is using her daughters condition to be so grabby. Maybe it's a coping mechanism but she needs to find another way. CF is hard, the constant fear of what's to come even when things are good but it's so Important to us that we give our little one as normal a life as possible. We don't want this condition to limit her so I can't imagine asking other people to shower her in gifts because of it! Likewise as a parent of someone with CF you want to guide them to live their best life with the condition and not let the be a victim of it. I hope the mum is giving a different message to her daughter.

Georgieporgie1916 · 04/03/2019 08:11

Your friend's daughter said why did you bother coming because you had no gifts?
Sounds like a brat. Mother should be ashamed. The fact she didn't pull her daughter up about it speaks volumes. Mother expects too!
This person is not your friend! If she's desperate for money send her a fiver in a card!

Smelborp · 04/03/2019 08:17

Did you reply when she asked how much was your gift?

Berthatydfil · 04/03/2019 08:23

Can you go through her Facebook and like the posts where she’s selling the things you’ve bought or have given them as gifts for other children.
Passive aggressive I know but anyone who messages after receiving a gift asking where an additional non essential extra is, deserves nothing less (don’t tell me she didn’t have any pencils or crayons at home).
It also tells her you know what she’s been doing.
I think she’s using you as a mug. It’s must be hard for her having an ill child, and it’s likely she envies you so has justified it all in her head.
However you have no obligation to this woman or her child.
Spend time with her and her dd if you wish and if it gives you pleasure, buy gifts for her dd if it gives you pleasure not as a result of begging or emotional blackmail.
However if you want to cut down /stop the gifts or even not seeing her at all then that’s your choice.

Jamiefraserskilt · 04/03/2019 08:43

Please do not feel guilt. It was her choice to do this with your very generous gifts and her choice to not tell her daughter off for rudeness. You say she has not had a lot to do with you since Xmas, leave it that way. Send her daughter a card and stay back from her toxic mother.
If asked, just show her the stuff on Facebook and don't say a word.
She has used you. Don't let her continue.

wijjjy · 04/03/2019 09:04

I coach a rugby team that has a player with Cystic Fibrosis.

None of the other children or parents know. As far as I know the only way he is treated differently is that he couldn't play in a fixture against a team with another child with the same condition.

As far as I know preserving lung function is the grail of living with cystic fibrosis - not getting expensive experiences or presents.

Notcontent · 04/03/2019 09:11

You are being used OP and the mother is not doing her daughter any favours.

Showering the little girl with presents is not going to ultimately make her life any happier. As others have said, she needs to be treated just like any other child, and in my experience children get the most happiness and satisfaction in life from friends/family and from achieving things. I watched a documentary a while ago about some children with CF who were getting involved in sport and music - things that made them happy and helped to manage their CF.