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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU.... Friend's sick daughter

161 replies

ViolaD77 · 03/03/2019 01:12

Ugh where do I start?
An old friend of mine who I see every now and then has a daughter of 5 who has cystic fibrosis. I have no kids, but understand the severity of this condition, the stress, the upset and devastation my friend is going through. So much so I've always tried to treat her little girl, Xmas, birthday, Easter, Halloween etc and always take a gift when I see her as she is special. However the past year its now expected and on one occasion I hadn't had a chance to go to the shops to get anything plus being it was day time I thought her DD would be at school so it wouldn't matter. When I got there, little girl was there,i said sorry I didn't have time to go shop.. Little girl has hissyfit, screaming and asks why did I bother coming? 😕 I sorta expected my friend to tell her its a tad rude but didn't, instead she said 'well, you usually buy her stuff....' I didn't know what to say so I said nothing! My friend constantly goes on about her heartache over DD and how she wants to make every day special for her etc etc and moans about people who don't bother so regardless of that one occasion last summer I carried on with the generosity. I also noticed if we go out there's lots of hints like 'oh DD would love that, I wish I had the money'... Yes I got sucked in a few times but what does it matter if this little girl doesnt have long to live?!
Anyway the past year I have noticed after buying some pretty cool gifts, designer clothing, trainers, scooters, barbie houses, 4ft pony etc etc, that her little girl never uses them, never has them in her room (friend has small house, can't really hide them) or wears anything I've bought her. I don't expect at all for these to be brought out just for my convenience to make me feel they were appreciated but literally... Everything I've ever got her, nowhere to be seen.
Well, a few months ago I started using my fb again and saw my friend had been tagged in lots of posts from other mums thanking her for their child's birthday and Xmas gifts over a number of months I wasn't on fb. Guess what are in the photos? Yes, my gifts! I also had a selling group come up on my feed and she's on there, selling other stuff I bought her.
I was hurt yes but not because I've bought them but more the fact my friend pleads poverty at times and the whole 'we have to make DDs time special because of illness' and hints at me what little girl woukd like for birthday /Xmas. If that's her way of thinking why is she giving away this stuff?!
I've never told her I knew but Xmas just gone I decided, as money was tight, I'd just get basics, a big colouring book of her fave TV characters, fave chocolates and a unicorn bag for school. Friend msged me Xmas day to say thanks but added 'there were no colouring pencils with it for her to use'. Cut this long story short friend hasn't bothered with me since and even though I only saw her every now and then I just now she's annoyed at my cheap presents following her text!
It's little girl's Bday again soon.. Do I bother?! I just feel like I've been mugged off a bit. AIBU?

OP posts:
Gruffin · 03/03/2019 07:20

I wounder how the little girl feels. She doesn’t get the presents and thus being used by her mum in a horrible way!

youarenotkiddingme · 03/03/2019 07:44

I'd screenshot everything.
Just send 1 screenshot to her with a message that says

"I wang to spend time with your DD and you. Let me know if you want me to do this in future. But constant gifts aren't part of the package".

Wait for reply.

It doesn't excuse her C Fuckery but some people really struggle with a diagnosis and genuinely do want to fill every moment of their child's life with material enjoyment. She may be selling it because if no room. So she wants the stuff as enjoys her child's immediate happiness big cannot maintain the constant barrage of bigger gifts.

That text will be a chance to talk and find either a better ground for your relationship (she may open up to her feelings) or she really is just a crabby cow and you can walk away, head held high, knowing you did what you felt was best.

Ohtherewearethen · 03/03/2019 08:10

I can't believe what I am reading here! This dreadful woman is just the limit! I don't think I'd be able to let this go. Next time you are there and the little girl creates about your not bringing her something say, "Where's that lovely pony I bought you for Christmas, I've never seen you play with it, why don't you get it and we can play with it together?" Their reactions should then bring on a conversation that could sort out or end this friendship, but I don't think that's what it is to be honest. Does she buy you gifts for your birthday?

gingerbiscuits · 03/03/2019 09:20

Oh my god! Maybe I'm a bad person but that would enrage me! How bloody rude & ungrateful - not to mention downright manipulative & dishonest! I'd have to just tell her what you know & how you feel & then cut her out of your life - she's a CF of the highest order & the relationship sounds totally 1 sided. It's VERY sad that she's exploited her poorly daughter in this way but SHE'S the one who should feel bad about that - not you.

SinkGirl · 03/03/2019 09:31

Absolutely disgusting behaviour, I’m so sorry you’ve been taken advantage of like this.

My ex and his sister both had CF. She passed away age 21, but his was much milder and his life expectancy was much longer. The illness didn’t affect him much day to day when we were in our teens,

This woman is using her daughter and profiting from her suffering - it’s disgusting. Reminds me of a few cases where parents have fabricated or exaggerated illness in order to make money - I hope that’s not the case here.

Littlebird88 · 03/03/2019 09:37

dreadful situation.
I think you need to talk frankly with her and explain what you know.

CalmdownJanet · 03/03/2019 09:47

Your friend is a cheeky using bitch and Shea disgusting to boot because she's using her daughters illness to her advantage.

Let the friendship go, ignore the birthday and wait for the call/text to question where the gift is and simply say "I have a card & chocs for when I see x but to honest after seeing the previous gifts on fb selling sites, the rudeness about the pencils at Christmas and the fact that gifts every time I call are expected, I have decided on token chocolate gifts from now on. That way none of us are disappointed, myself included"
Call the cheeky bitch out on it!

Clutterbugsmum · 03/03/2019 09:50

I think unfortunately your 'friend' no longer sees you as a friend but as a ATM.

She only wants you for what she can get out of you, and not friends.

I would only send cards now for Christmas and birthday no other 'holiday' needs a gift.

Santaclarita · 03/03/2019 09:52

Considering how vile the mother is, are you sure she hasn't lied about the girls illness? I wouldn't actually be surprised if that was the case considering how she doesn't mind scamming you out of money and presents. Hoping she isn't lying, but it wouldn't be the first time that's happened. Some parents are weird and cruel people.

Even if she is ill, don't bother anymore. It was never appreciated, and she actually sold her sick child's toys. Do you really want to be friends with someone who sells her child's stuff? I wouldn't, especially if the child is actually ill. That's taking cruel to a whole other level.

luckylavender · 03/03/2019 09:54

Have you called her out on it OP? Dreadful behaviour.

starzig · 03/03/2019 09:57

Can you get something personalised to prevent sale.

LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 03/03/2019 09:59

I'm struggling to believe this is true actually. Surely no one is that awful??

GerryblewuptheER · 03/03/2019 10:00

Wow , who needs enemies hey ..

I'd stop buying altogether

But indo lole this personalisation suggestion.. make every gift un-sellable!!

LagunaBubbles · 03/03/2019 10:03

I would have to say something. You're a mug OP and you are enabling her to treat you like this.

Bringbackthestripes · 03/03/2019 10:05

Why haven’t you said to CF mum that “ being as you regift or sell the things I buy for your DD I’m not doing it anymore”?

Awful behaviour and I say that as someone with a full understanding of Cystic Fibrosis, the effects on the sufferer and the family, the treatment involved and the prospects/outcomes.

Do not feel guilty fo no longer buying, you have been more than generous.

Angeladelight · 03/03/2019 10:06

I’d screenshot the FB selling posts and confront. You’ve been incredibly generous and this is taking the piss really. How can the girl be upset if you don’t bring her gifts if she never gets them anyway. I think you’re being taken advantage of, and your friend is encouraging entitled behaviour in her DD.

Mmmhmmm · 03/03/2019 10:07

I would actually tell her you know she's sold and given away all the presents and you don't appreciate being used as a bank by a so called friend. Then block her everywhere.

kingfisherblue33 · 03/03/2019 10:19

Your 'friend' is vile CF. Walk away.

It is sad about her dd, but she's doing her no favours allowing her to behave so badly.

Purplecatshopaholic · 03/03/2019 10:21

Dear God, your so-called friend has been selling/giving away your gifts to her child?? Time to ditch that 'friendship' I am afraid - she is no friend of yours. Sorry to hear you have had to go through this shit

Otterseatpuffinsdontthey · 03/03/2019 10:21

Q

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 03/03/2019 10:22

Friend??? OP bless you ..sadly your lovely intentions appear to be a misplaced.I would suggest keeping your purse shut in futue and keeping your distance.Disgusting behaviour from a friend..(term friend used very loosely)

BrizzleMint · 03/03/2019 10:25

YABU to post about it on here where there is every chance of you/the family being recognised.

Other than that YANBU.

Sleepsoon7 · 03/03/2019 10:27

Send a card for the child with a nice message. If you go over to see friend and child again (not sure I would) then take a small gift that you can play with there and then with the child eg colouring pens and colouring book - make sure she uses pens and draws in book / open and help to eat chocolate etc.

OR do the CF equivalent to LTB. The mum is no longer a true friend and the child won’t be bothered as she doesn’t keep the pressies and doesn’t want to see you unless you bring any ..... ( and don’t forget to cancel the cheque......)

user564534 · 03/03/2019 10:27

I agree, this is terrible behaviour by your 'friend'. I have a severely disabled child and we don't get lots of fuss or presents at all, so it's lovely that you have made so much effort. Your friend should be hugely grateful for all you have done, not selling your gifts online! Time to move on to people who appreciate you.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 03/03/2019 10:29

If you do insist on keeping up this charade of a friendship OP then when ever you go take a cake or buns and have a tea party with the family..that way they get a gift that cannot be sold on....though why you would bother another moment of your time with them escapes me completely.