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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my nephew is dangerous?

293 replies

bumsandtums · 02/03/2019 21:12

I love my nephew with all my heart. He is 11 and lives with my sister who is his mother.

We are a very close family & he spends time with my family on a weekly basis. We love having him here and my children & husband are besotted with him.

Over the years starting since he was 7 various claims have been made.
It started with several claims that family members had said malicious or hurtful things to him when they hadn't. He even said to my sister that I had called him a 'waste of space'. Which obviously was not true. It then progressed to claims that people had nibbed/pinched him and that my children and his grandmother and grandfather were constantly poking and harassing him.

The family as a whole tried to nip this in the bud as soon as possible as eventually the family and my sisters friends were afraid to spend time with him alone.

In September 2018 he claimed that my sisters best friend who has babysat him regularly for his whole life threw him down the stairs. It (obviously) launched weeks worth of investigation and pain until he eventually admitted after weeks of pain for everyone involved that it was not true. He had fallen down accidently after not hanging onto the rain and she was only there to help and bring him to hospital.

Nomatter the claims we have tried to believe him each time and always always tried to find the whole story.

Today he came to our house, as per usual, to play with my children. After coming home from the park we all went inside and he went back out to the car to get his wellies so he continue playing in the garden. My husband arrived home just as he was opening the car (I couldn't see any of this). He grabs the wellies, closes the door and starts to run back inside but, slips and falls forward leaving a nasty gash on his cheek and eyebrow. He runs in and immediately starts screaming that my husband punched him. The children & I are shocked.

My husband states straight away that this didn't happen and we can all check the driveway camera and my nephews story changes instantly to it didn't happen and he starts to cry realising he's been caught out.

I pack up his stuff and drive him back to his mother and explain everything and say that I can't trust him. Someday he will tell a lie that will ruin somebodys life. He's not welcome to my home and I will not let any of my children spent time with him individually. AIBU?

OP posts:
Longtalljosie · 02/03/2019 21:14

You are not being at all unreasonable. This is your sister’s job to deal with and unpick, but you have every reason to now distance yourself.

slipperywhensparticus · 02/03/2019 21:14

Yanbu but he needs fucking mental help

coconutpie · 02/03/2019 21:15

YANBU

Singlenotsingle · 02/03/2019 21:17

Your sister needs to take this seriously and get some therapy for this boy. He's going to get into serious trouble one day if he carries on like this. YANBU not to want him back. I'd be worried too.

dudsville · 02/03/2019 21:17

Poor kids, he's got some big problems, but you do need to protect your family. You can be a support to your sister without seeing him outside of her supervision.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/03/2019 21:18

I, too, would be very wary of this boy. His behaviour is very alarming and I hope you implore your sister to get help for him. The lies he is telling could destroy someone's life. I've seen it happen and it was a nightmare.

Aria2015 · 02/03/2019 21:18

This sounds really troubling and he needs some sort of help because lying to the extent he is just isn't normal behaviour. I don't think you're being unreasonable to distance yourself and your family. I think you're right, he could potentially say something that could break up a family. I would urge you to be there for your sister though, as his mother I imagine this must cause her a lot of worry and she will no doubt need support to try and help him. I hope your nephew gets the help he needs and comes to realise how his behaviour will ultimately result in him being cut off from friends and family because they fear he will falsely accuse them of something.

Newsername · 02/03/2019 21:18

Wow. He’s the boy who cried wolf isn’t he? Not sure how to solve this because Peter doesn’t meet a very good end but YANBU at all!

RollerJed · 02/03/2019 21:18

Oh wow, he's got massive issues that your dsis needs to get help.for.

Thankfully you had it on camera.

Lougle · 02/03/2019 21:18

All attention is good attention. He sounds like a very mixed up little boy. I hope he gets the help he needs. But I don't think he is dangerous. I think that his responsible adults do need to be aware that they are vulnerable to misinterpretions on his part, and that he is vulnerable to misunderstandings or fabrications, whether conscious or subconscious. So extra care needs to be taken around him.

OpportunityKnocks · 02/03/2019 21:19

Yanbu. At all

CustardySergeant · 02/03/2019 21:19

How did your sister react?

PrawnOfCreation · 02/03/2019 21:20

Could it be that something serious has happened to him, and no one has recognised or believed him and this is it playing out?

Or, and this is the the case of my SILs kids and why we don't see them - there's someone in the house who couldn't recognise the truth if it had a flashing sign attached? Her kids have grown up learning about lies, drama and stirring, and they do the same as they see it as a way to get attention which children naturally want.

PolarBearDisguisedAsAPenguin · 02/03/2019 21:20

YANBU. I would worry your sister will end up becoming isolated because eventually everyone will do the same thing. I hope she realises what her son is like and seeks help for him, and support for herself.

Original poster
bumsandtums · 02/03/2019 21:20

@rollerjed I know!! I have been thinking all day, 'What would have happened if we didn't have evidence?'. Our lives would have all been ruined instantly and from his history it would have went on weeks until he finally told the truth.

OP posts:
Handsfull13 · 02/03/2019 21:21

Yanbu. I'd offer your sister support in getting him the help he needs but until he is being helped you can not risk the safety of your family.

AcrossthePond55 · 02/03/2019 21:21

I'm sure that many will disagree, but YANBU. It doesn't matter why he's doing it, be it attention seeking, trying to get someone in trouble, or a MH issue, if this child has made a habit of making up malicious lies it does get to the point where one must protect oneself and others from the 'fallout'. It may be that he tells one of his lies to someone who will report the (non) incident to the police or SS and an innocent party could find themselves falsely accused of hurting the child (or worse!).

If I were to have this child around, it would be with the understanding that one of his parents would be present 100% of the time and that he would not to be left unattended with anyone.

The parents need to seek help for this child. There's a reason he's doing this and with help they can hopefully get to the root cause of it.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 02/03/2019 21:22

I work with children with mental health issues. When kids consistently lie like this, especially when the lies are so outrageous they are bound to be caught out, it's often a response to early trauma. Has your DN been through a difficult time? Has he witnessed any violence within the family home? Does he display any other behaviours that are concerning? Your sister really needs to look into getting him some psychological help. YANBU to protect yourself, your DH and your DC from potential false allegations.

RandomMess · 02/03/2019 21:22

I have a family member that made false accusations of sexual abuse around 12/13...

I wouldn't want to leave myself open to him telling lies.

endevo · 02/03/2019 21:23

That is scary.

DopeyDazy · 02/03/2019 21:23

what happens if he makes an allegation of inappropriate behaviour, I'd have him nowhere near the house and tell sister clearly why

Original poster
bumsandtums · 02/03/2019 21:25

@CustardySergeant she just cried and cried and cried.

We all know that sometimes children tell porkies or exaggerate but, this is something else. She's not got a single friend anymore & nobody will interact with him at all they're so afraid of him.

He is such a caring child & I know he loves us all but, there is this side of him that loves to see people suffer.

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 02/03/2019 21:25

Yanbu. He needs some professional help.

QueenofallIsee · 02/03/2019 21:27

My goodness! I was expecting silly white lies, not big dangerous whoppers! You did the right thing and I hope very much your sister understands your position. He needs therapy as a matter of urgency - this is not normal at all

livinglavidavillanelle · 02/03/2019 21:28

Oh wow, my initial response is poor kid...he is obviously very troubled.

But no, I don't blame you at all for wanting to distance yourself until he gets the help he needs.

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