Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my nephew is dangerous?

293 replies

bumsandtums · 02/03/2019 21:12

I love my nephew with all my heart. He is 11 and lives with my sister who is his mother.

We are a very close family & he spends time with my family on a weekly basis. We love having him here and my children & husband are besotted with him.

Over the years starting since he was 7 various claims have been made.
It started with several claims that family members had said malicious or hurtful things to him when they hadn't. He even said to my sister that I had called him a 'waste of space'. Which obviously was not true. It then progressed to claims that people had nibbed/pinched him and that my children and his grandmother and grandfather were constantly poking and harassing him.

The family as a whole tried to nip this in the bud as soon as possible as eventually the family and my sisters friends were afraid to spend time with him alone.

In September 2018 he claimed that my sisters best friend who has babysat him regularly for his whole life threw him down the stairs. It (obviously) launched weeks worth of investigation and pain until he eventually admitted after weeks of pain for everyone involved that it was not true. He had fallen down accidently after not hanging onto the rain and she was only there to help and bring him to hospital.

Nomatter the claims we have tried to believe him each time and always always tried to find the whole story.

Today he came to our house, as per usual, to play with my children. After coming home from the park we all went inside and he went back out to the car to get his wellies so he continue playing in the garden. My husband arrived home just as he was opening the car (I couldn't see any of this). He grabs the wellies, closes the door and starts to run back inside but, slips and falls forward leaving a nasty gash on his cheek and eyebrow. He runs in and immediately starts screaming that my husband punched him. The children & I are shocked.

My husband states straight away that this didn't happen and we can all check the driveway camera and my nephews story changes instantly to it didn't happen and he starts to cry realising he's been caught out.

I pack up his stuff and drive him back to his mother and explain everything and say that I can't trust him. Someday he will tell a lie that will ruin somebodys life. He's not welcome to my home and I will not let any of my children spent time with him individually. AIBU?

OP posts:
BMW6 · 02/03/2019 22:30

But if it something that "just comes out of his mouth" why doesn't he immediately say "I'm sorry, that is not true"?

As you describe these incidents he sticks to the lie unless confronted with actual evidence, so these lies do not just pop out and are retracted straight away!

It sounds like he enjoys hurting people and has zero empathy. Your poor sister has a huge problem here.

Starlight456 · 02/03/2019 22:30

I have had issues with my Ds lying and not anywhere near this level .

I have done a few things to improve this it doesn’t quite fit what happened today but if I know he has done something I don’t ask . I tell him as you have done .... then this is the consequence.

I think you are right to protect yourself and your family but would find a way to support your dsis

Puzzledandpissedoff · 02/03/2019 22:31

Does your sister accept he has a problem or does she try to brush it off?

I wondered about this myself. It's absolutely natural that she's upset, but "crying and crying and crying" isn't going to mend matters

What's her reaction likely to be if he goes for the nuclear option and starts making allegations of sexual abuse?

thenightsky · 02/03/2019 22:33

starts to run back inside but, slips and falls forward leaving a nasty gash on his cheek and eyebrow. He runs in and immediately starts screaming that my husband punched him

Wow. I'd have cross examined him as I was washing his head and applying the plasters... 'why did he punch you... what did he say before he punched you... what did you say... why did this lead to a punch...' Etc.

VelvetPineapple · 02/03/2019 22:33

YANBU. It’s very sad but you need to distance yourselves for your own protection. His lies could ruin someone’s life and you can’t let it be yours. Imo it sounds like attention seeking behaviour - my cousin used to hit and bite herself then say I’d done it, because she was jealous of me and wanted attention. She only got caught out when my Gran pointed out that the bite mark had no front teeth, she’d lost her baby teeth and I still had mine.

Thestral · 02/03/2019 22:36

I taught a child with similar a while ago, and part of the problem was a crushing lack of self esteem. This child couldn't admit to their lies, as lies = wrong, and they couldn't be wrong, ever.

Might fit with the fall too - to fall may be perceived as some form of weakness/mistake in his mind, so maybe better to lash out and make it someone else's fault? Then once the lie is out there, he can't go back, as that would mean they'd be wrong...etc.

Only part of it, but something to consider?

Margot33 · 02/03/2019 22:38

I think you've done the right thing, protecting your family. Your family comes first. The last thing you want are months of investigations and stress/worry. Unfortunately sometimes unfounded slurs, stick. Your nephew will have to learn the hard way.

BlueSkiesLies · 02/03/2019 22:38

Why would you always try to believe him when he always lies?

He needs like actual serious help, he doesn’t need to be belived. He’s a very trouble child who without intervention is going to lead a lonely life.

I wouldn’t have him on his own at all. His mother needs to accompany him at all times if there are any family events.

MumUnderTheMoon · 02/03/2019 22:39

YANBU I wouldn't have him in my home ore be alone with him. I think you did the right thing. Your sister should see the GP about a mental health assessment but in the meantime steer clear.

Littleraindrop15 · 02/03/2019 22:39

I would pursue a mental health condition he sounds like he might be a pathological liar but under what specific umbrella am not sure.. Sister should make an appointment with the doctors to discuss this.

And yanbu to cut it off as you need to protect your family first as much as this is painful

ENormaSnob · 02/03/2019 22:41

I absolutely would have nothing do with him ever again.

He's dangerous imo.

BusySnipingOnCallOfDuty · 02/03/2019 22:44

Before I respond to the actual thread, I must also point out to everyone that the words of @Insomnibrat are very misinformed, and that is why so many people trear borderlines with such contempt. Please visit www.nhs.uk/conditions/borderline-personality-disorder/symptoms/ if you wish to learn more.

OP, one of the reasons I cited to my last longterm ex for leaving him rather than leaving it at the fact he coercively raped me was that his middle child who clearly suffered from attachment disorder which you might want to read up on re your nephew was coming out with accusations of things which I, or others, had done or said to her. The things she said escalated and eventually I became worried something sexual would be tried because no one ever believed her (not at least if they spoke to the ex who could clarify she was lying) and she was also obsessed with sex, babies, things on youtube about both which were inappropriate for her age.

It does sound like he may have experienced something very early on which has shaped his brain to react this way. The lying, is it pathological? Could it be related to OCD or Tourettes in that he feels compelled strongly to say something even though he knows its not true?

If you or she are on facebook, look up a group called Therapeutic Parenting. They may have answers or be able to signpost you/her.

I hope you can get your family back xXx

Whereareyouspot · 02/03/2019 22:45

If he’s having counselling has this yielded any information as to what could be behind it? What are the conclusions of the counsellor?

Tbh a counsellor may be out of their depth here. He needs a proper psychology assessment.

What a horrible situation for you OP.

Does he have any siblings or a dad on the scene?

Arewehumanorbones · 02/03/2019 22:45

I think Thestral has something with this:
Part of the problem was a crushing lack of self esteem. This child couldn't admit to their lies, as lies = wrong, and they couldn't be wrong, ever

Leeds2 · 02/03/2019 22:45

What do school have to say about his behaviour whilst he is there? Does he tell lies about his teacher/classmates?

Original poster
bumsandtums · 02/03/2019 22:47

How on earth is he coping at school - and how are school coping with him?

The school are fully aware of the history we have with him. He goes to a very small primary school & they have the resource to keep an eye on him at playtime, lunch and break. There is always an adult present.

He is not allowed however to attend any school trips. On these days he is assigned 'computer time' and sits in the P6 class.

*And was there anything traumatic that may have happened in his life in the months preceding that?

Is his dad on the scene?*

Nothing has ever happened. He has been questioned numerous times. His father was never on the scene unfortunately but, it's never been a problem. He is fully aware that some families are different and he accepts it.

OP posts:
DewDropsonKittens · 02/03/2019 22:48

Has your nephew had any traumatic life events?

DewDropsonKittens · 02/03/2019 22:49

It sounds as though he needs some talking therapy,

Children don't just become this way, there will be a medical reason or something has happened to him that noone knows about except him

thenightsky · 02/03/2019 22:51

Has he ever been made to apologise for the hurt he's caused? Or does he get away with it?

LittlePaintBox · 02/03/2019 22:53

YANBU. The situations you describe sound very worrying.

He needs help in understanding the consequences of his behaviour and stop doing it. I'd say professional help, because family are too close to the situation. Maybe the GP could refer him for psychiatric assessment?

HappyGoGoLucky · 02/03/2019 22:53

He is a pathological liar

Abitlost2015 · 02/03/2019 22:54

Is he having counselling with a counsellor? I would spend every last penny I had in a clinical psychologist as I am not sure counselling will be adequate for this situation

DeadButDelicious · 02/03/2019 22:54

You have absolutely done the right thing. As much as you love this boy he has the capacity to cause real and lasting damage to your family with his lies and you have to put them first.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/03/2019 22:55

This really is very disturbing. It's one thing when a 4 year old (my son) fibs that there's a dinosaur living in his room, but when an 11 year old is accusing people of serious violence, you know there is something drastically wrong.

Imagine if OP didn't have CCTV in her drive? Her husband and her family could have had their lives ripped to shreds. I would refuse to be anywhere near this disturbed boy.

JamesBlonde1 · 02/03/2019 22:56

The OP knows this lad well and would know if there is something that has triggered this behaviour. The OP hasn’t mentioned any triggers.

Sadly this may be something innate. I would ask the GP to refer to a psychiatrist.