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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my nephew is dangerous?

293 replies

bumsandtums · 02/03/2019 21:12

I love my nephew with all my heart. He is 11 and lives with my sister who is his mother.

We are a very close family & he spends time with my family on a weekly basis. We love having him here and my children & husband are besotted with him.

Over the years starting since he was 7 various claims have been made.
It started with several claims that family members had said malicious or hurtful things to him when they hadn't. He even said to my sister that I had called him a 'waste of space'. Which obviously was not true. It then progressed to claims that people had nibbed/pinched him and that my children and his grandmother and grandfather were constantly poking and harassing him.

The family as a whole tried to nip this in the bud as soon as possible as eventually the family and my sisters friends were afraid to spend time with him alone.

In September 2018 he claimed that my sisters best friend who has babysat him regularly for his whole life threw him down the stairs. It (obviously) launched weeks worth of investigation and pain until he eventually admitted after weeks of pain for everyone involved that it was not true. He had fallen down accidently after not hanging onto the rain and she was only there to help and bring him to hospital.

Nomatter the claims we have tried to believe him each time and always always tried to find the whole story.

Today he came to our house, as per usual, to play with my children. After coming home from the park we all went inside and he went back out to the car to get his wellies so he continue playing in the garden. My husband arrived home just as he was opening the car (I couldn't see any of this). He grabs the wellies, closes the door and starts to run back inside but, slips and falls forward leaving a nasty gash on his cheek and eyebrow. He runs in and immediately starts screaming that my husband punched him. The children & I are shocked.

My husband states straight away that this didn't happen and we can all check the driveway camera and my nephews story changes instantly to it didn't happen and he starts to cry realising he's been caught out.

I pack up his stuff and drive him back to his mother and explain everything and say that I can't trust him. Someday he will tell a lie that will ruin somebodys life. He's not welcome to my home and I will not let any of my children spent time with him individually. AIBU?

OP posts:
Mummyshark2019 · 02/03/2019 21:40

He seems to be suffering from mental health issues. It needs to be addressed before be becomes a risk to himself and others.

Original poster
bumsandtums · 02/03/2019 21:42

@YouBumder

How does he react when he’s challenged on his lying?

We were challenging him head on when we knew something was a lie. Saying, 'That didn't happen' or 'You are telling a lie. Stop.'

When we did this he would still maintain it happened & my sister was afraid of other people (school, friends, acquaintances) hearing untrue stories and contacting SS/police.
So, recently when we knew something was a lie we would tell him we knew it wasn't true and it wasn't to be spoken about again. To stop giving it any sort of attention (good or bad) If he brought it up my sister punished him by preventing him from doing things he loved (coming to my house, swimming club or boy scouts). It worked to an extent and made him tell the truth quicker but, he still make up lies where he could see an opportunity.

When he was caught out today he cried sore as he knew it was the end of the road for him at my house. SS had many conversations with him after the babysitter incident & he seems to take it in but, in the immediate aftermath of a situation he just spews lies.

What help has your sister sought until now?

She has asked for help from family, friends, SS and the school. He goes to private counselling once a week and we have had hundreds of one on one conversations about consequences and what they mean. It just doesn't sink in.

OP posts:
TheFatberg · 02/03/2019 21:42

Not sure CAMHS would touch it. Telling lies isn't a diagnostic criteria for a mental health condition so they may not offer an assessment.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 02/03/2019 21:44

YANBU. He urgently needs professional help. Your poor sister must be tearing her hair out. Keep him away from your family for now. But maybe you could go round for a visit and explain to him why you can't have him round any more, he could have ruined your lives, and that you look forward to welcoming him back when he's got over this behaviour. He's still a child. Let him know that you love him and want to help him, just that you can't risk him damaging your family.

Birdsgottafly · 02/03/2019 21:44

A relative of mine was similar.

Things got worse and as an older teen, there were bad things done.

With Services involved they finally managed to get a Personality disorder diagnosis, they got therapy.

There were accusations of inappropriate sexual stuff, aged 12/13, to more than one person and it ruined relationships, work etc. You can imagine.

That wasn't the worse part, though. Luckily what happened was recoverable for everyone involved.

It's a shame that at 12/13 therapy wasn't started then, though.

HollowTalk · 02/03/2019 21:45

there is this side of him that loves to see people suffer

Is this his motivation, then? Does he ever say why he feels like that?

How many times has he done it? It might be a good idea now to keep a written record (don't tell your sister) in case it's needed in the future. Write down dates, who was blamed, what actually happened.

BlytheofWindyWillows · 02/03/2019 21:45

You've absolutely done the right thing OP. I hope your sister can get the help her son needs. Have the lies always been outrageous or have they escalated?

Insomnibrat · 02/03/2019 21:47

YANBU, it sounds like Borderline Personality Disorder to me.

Birdsgottafly · 02/03/2019 21:47

OP, this needs reporting, so it's known to anyone. Hopefully you will get to a point were a proper assessment will be done.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 02/03/2019 21:47

I would say he has issues rather than being inherently bad . It’s a shame to not see him but your sister needs to get him some help

Your language about him is quite negative and angry . I appreciate the hurt and frustration but try to forgive . He is very small and there could be something going on

Knicknackpaddyflak · 02/03/2019 21:48

Poor you all. Flowers YANBU at all. You need to protect your children and yourselves. If it helps you feel any better, as pp says he equally needs to not be put in situations where he can make any more allegations for his own mental health and protection as much as everyone else's. Every time he's able to do this it is making the underlying problem worse for him.

Yy to professional help and while this probably all happened in the previous investigation, important to make sure people like his GP and school have on record that he's making repeated disclosures like this. So sorry, how horrible for all of you.

Original poster
bumsandtums · 02/03/2019 21:49

@hellenbackagen

We were told not to give him any attention on the lie initially. Good or bad. However, we were to make a clear and concise statement w/ eye contact that it was a lie and he wasn't to discuss it again. If he did there was a consequence that would fall directly on him.

I have had to say this to him hundreds of times since he was 7. So, knowing he wasn't to say it again he would just look away and we wouldn't discuss it.

I have asked him loads of times before why he does it and it's making his family not want to spend time with him & it makes us all upset because we love him. He tells me that he doesn't know why he does it. He sees his mum get upset about it but, it's just 'something that comes out.'

OP posts:
CustardySergeant · 02/03/2019 21:49

He sounds extremely disturbed. I agree with your thread title wholeheartedly, he is dangerous. I don't know what treatment is available and would be effective. Hypothetically, this may be a condition which isn't even susceptible to treatment or therapy. I feel so sorry for your sister and hope that she is able to find help with this. It isn't going to get any easier as he gets older.

patchysmum · 02/03/2019 21:49

make sure the counseller is told about this latest incident hope they can get to the bottom of it and I would not have him visit without a parent until there is a vast improvement, your sister must be at her wits end

TheFatberg · 02/03/2019 21:50

Insomnibrat it sounds nothing like borderline personality disorder FFS.

Catsinthecupboard · 02/03/2019 21:51

He has bigger issues than lying. He needs professional help asap.

Best of luck.

Knicknackpaddyflak · 02/03/2019 21:51

Crosspost OP, glad that it's on record with all professionals involved.

cstaff · 02/03/2019 21:51

You were right to do what you did OP. You need to think about your family and their safety. Tbh it is your sister that I would be concerned about. It sounds like she has been abandoned by friends and family as a result of her son horrendous behaviour.

Her son needs serious help.

pasbeaucoupdegendarme · 02/03/2019 21:54

You poor things, all of you. I agree with others that YANBU at all but also that the child needs help. I would also be interested to know how he is at school. Sadly I am teaching a child like this at the moment, said child is younger than your dn but is heading the same direction. Some of his fantasies are harmless but confirmed untrue (along the lines of being selected to appear on tv talent shows etc) but some are damaging to other people and potentially even careers.

Sounds good that he is getting counselling but I wonder whether he needs further assessment?

JaneEyre07 · 02/03/2019 21:55

It sounds like a very desperate cry for attention.

I think you have to protect yourself and your family but also make sure that your sister doesn't feel alone in this. It must be horrifying for her.

I think she really needs to start pushing for more involvement here.

Takethebuscuitandthesink · 02/03/2019 21:55

I’m so sorry op this is a horrible situation, but you need to have nothing more to do with this child. It’s up to you if you want a relationship with your sister but the fact she seems to have been so blasé with regard to punishment when he could seriously ruin someone’s life and he is old enough to know what he is doing. Are you not concerned about him going to scouts and accusing the guy who runs it? Anyway it’s not your problem just focus on comforting you dh who I can only imagine how he feels.

Original poster
bumsandtums · 02/03/2019 21:55

@stopfuckingshoutingatme I'm not so much angry but, I am really disappointed.

Apart from this he's a joy. He loves playing practical jokes. He makes me laugh everytime I see him. He loves cooking dinner with me.

I've lost a big part of my life but, I have to protect my kids and I'm sad about it all.

OP posts:
Stormwhale · 02/03/2019 21:56

@Insomnibrat - seriously? Do you actually know anything about bpd?? No psychiatrist would diagnose a child with it anyway! Bloody armchair diagnosing does my head in.

Takethebuscuitandthesink · 02/03/2019 21:58

Apart from this he's a joy. He loves playing practical jokes. He makes me laugh everytime I see him. He loves cooking dinner with me.

OP there is no way you can think like that. He tried to ruin your dh’s and you sisters friends life.

JennyWoodentop · 02/03/2019 21:59

YANBU, it sounds like Borderline Personality Disorder to me.

Please don't make armchair diagnoses. This is an eleven year old child and whatever his difficulties & challenging behaviour it is extremely unusual for a personality disorder to be diagnosed before the age of eighteen.
Borderline personality disorder has specific diagnostic criteria and a few paragraphs onlline from a stranger only give a snapshot of the issues.