To think my nephew is dangerous?

[bumsandtums]

I love my nephew with all my heart. He is 11 and lives with my sister who is his mother.

We are a very close family & he spends time with my family on a weekly basis. We love having him here and my children & husband are besotted with him.

Over the years starting since he was 7 various claims have been made.
It started with several claims that family members had said malicious or hurtful things to him when they hadn't. He even said to my sister that I had called him a 'waste of space'. Which obviously was not true. It then progressed to claims that people had nibbed/pinched him and that my children and his grandmother and grandfather were constantly poking and harassing him.

The family as a whole tried to nip this in the bud as soon as possible as eventually the family and my sisters friends were afraid to spend time with him alone.

In September 2018 he claimed that my sisters best friend who has babysat him regularly for his whole life threw him down the stairs. It (obviously) launched weeks worth of investigation and pain until he eventually admitted after weeks of pain for everyone involved that it was not true. He had fallen down accidently after not hanging onto the rain and she was only there to help and bring him to hospital.

Nomatter the claims we have tried to believe him each time and always always tried to find the whole story.

Today he came to our house, as per usual, to play with my children. After coming home from the park we all went inside and he went back out to the car to get his wellies so he continue playing in the garden. My husband arrived home just as he was opening the car (I couldn't see any of this). He grabs the wellies, closes the door and starts to run back inside but, slips and falls forward leaving a nasty gash on his cheek and eyebrow. He runs in and immediately starts screaming that my husband punched him. The children & I are shocked.

My husband states straight away that this didn't happen and we can all check the driveway camera and my nephews story changes instantly to it didn't happen and he starts to cry realising he's been caught out.

I pack up his stuff and drive him back to his mother and explain everything and say that I can't trust him. Someday he will tell a lie that will ruin somebodys life. He's not welcome to my home and I will not let any of my children spent time with him individually. AIBU?

is there anyway, anyway at all that your sister is envious of your life and your family and your nephew has heard your sister (maybe best friend also) talking about how you and your children have more/ a better life? I am just trying to think how a child would process this if it was mentioned a lot throughout his childhood.

This is an interesting observation Guardsman -it could certainly be at least a contributory cause.

He still needs to learn that lying isn't on though.

@Guardsman18 makes a very good point that I hadn’t considered. I wonder what the boy is thinking. Was his apology genuine op?

But the lies have been against the whole family and his dms best friend.

He's probably doing it because the first time he lied, he probably got a lot of attention for it and there was a 'drama' about it. He liked that and wanted to recreate it because he wasn't caught. But being a child he's not good at it so does get caught. But because he liked the first buzz, he keeps doing it to get the buzz again from the drama and it escalates. Because no one punished him for lying. Bit like a drug addiction or any other addiction really. Trying to recreate that first buzz and you never can or will. You just escalate trying to.

Probably nothing wrong with him. He's just had no consequences for his actions. He needs them, now. And harshly, he's old enough to know right from wrong. And he knows it's wrong, but he can't stop. That's his addiction. Get a counsellor, but it shouldn't be hard to treat really. He needs to know how to control it, no one has taught him.

Probably nothing wrong with him. He's just had no consequences for his actions.

Apparently he does it in school as well. There will have been consequences in school even if there weren't at home, and he carried on there too. He doesn't get to go on school trips at all.

Doing the same (very bad) behaviour in multiple settings - e.g. school as well as babysitter as well as extended family - is a red flag for something really wrong that isn't just an ordinary discipline problem.

Is there any pattern to his lies? Is it only men so is it like he's lashing out at paternal figures due to this dad?

Is he particularly troubled with other aspects- is he coping socially beyond this, how about scool work etc.

No - not just men, Cheshire.

His aunt and a female babysitter have been his victims, too.

Thanks SchadenfreudePersonified, I think I need to have a quick reread of the thread!

Mind you, I've just put foundation on twice as I'd forgotten I'd already done it

Cheshire

"he said to me when I was leaving that it was an injustice to him to let him continue this behaviour and as a parent the best thing now for him to learn a lesson is too be harsh."

That reads to me as if she allowed his behaviour to continue up til now and has never been harsh or chastised him properly. If you have a mum who won't do anything about it, that is enabling. So she has basically enabled this up til now, is what you're saying?

Hmm, I really think something happened to him when he was 7. I don't think that it was as simple as him getting attention when he got away with telling a white lie. I'd put money on it that he suffered sexual abuse.

OP, have you spoken to your sister about him seeing a clinical psychologist? She needs proper, professional help.

And you've done the right thing.

Op I haven’t read the full thread sorry.

I would personally keep the cctv incase he says to a teacher tomorrow or someone else that your husband did it.

I think it sounds kind of like a reverse boy who cried wolf story. That something DID happen to him and he told someone and wasn't believed. So now he tells outrageous stories and takes comfort from the brief feeling of being believed. Just a thought.

Hmm, I really think something happened to him when he was 7. I don't think that it was as simple as him getting attention when he got away with telling a white lie. I'd put money on it that he suffered sexual abuse

I think so, too.

The thing is we can all speculate why he doing this, but the problem is that his mum is not getting the help he needs. She not punishing him when he does lie.

OP has no choice but to protect her DH and DC from him.

We all know that DS and DN only apologised because OP had CTV footage of what actually happened. If there was no proof like with the babysitter DS and DN kept the lie going for as long as they could and not caring about the consequences of their actions.

And now DS has no one who is willing to watch DN while she is working and lets face it this situation which one of us would put ourselves or our family in danger.

OP, I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this. Very fortunate to have CCTV there, although it sounds like you already had cause to doubt his version of events.

I work with young people and have some experience in youth mental health (pastoral, i’m not a doctor!) I agree with PP, he really needs to see a clinical psychologist ASAP.

There are a lot of possibilities, but he sounds very troubled.

It could be as simple as building up his self esteem, so he doesn’t rely on this for attention. If his behaviour is driven by a need for attention, try to ask who this is from? He won’t necessarily be thinking about the consequence for your DH, or for you, this lie will likely be driven by the need to satisfy something more immediate to him. Is it your sister? You? Your DH? His unknown father?

It’s not enough to really even be suggestive, but the thought occurred to me: both major lies so far seem to have been in babysitting contexts. Has he ever lied about your sister? Could he be hoping to show her that babysitters can’t be trusted and she should be there instead?

There could well be something going on for him around his father. Certainly by age 11 he will have complex feelings about him, and whatever else might be going on, he needs to be able to process those feelings. This might take more than a counsellor, especially as he’s been displaying these behaviours for a few years.

There is also the possibility that this is a learned coping mechanism in response to something else (eg trauma/abuse). Again, help from a clinician is the right direction. I’m sure you can find a doctor who knows exactly what they’re dealing with here, it’s just a case of seeking out the right help.

The fact he’s been singled out for this at school, I find worrying. It reinforces this to him as an aspect of his identity (not to mention it makes him incredibly vulnerable as a potential target for abuse). In turn, this is likely to further his commitment to it and it will likely have the opposite effect. Ideally, his school needs to be involved with any assessment.

He can unlearn this behaviour, or if it’s
connected to an underlying condition then it can be treated and he can develop
other coping strategies to help him adjust from it, but he needs the right support for this to happen. Please urge your sister to seek out a referral ASAP, or look at a private appointment if it’s an option. With how serious these lies are, he really needs extra help, sooner rather than later.

how are you doing OP?

So what is going on now and how is your nephew doing op?