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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my nephew is dangerous?

293 replies

bumsandtums · 02/03/2019 21:12

I love my nephew with all my heart. He is 11 and lives with my sister who is his mother.

We are a very close family & he spends time with my family on a weekly basis. We love having him here and my children & husband are besotted with him.

Over the years starting since he was 7 various claims have been made.
It started with several claims that family members had said malicious or hurtful things to him when they hadn't. He even said to my sister that I had called him a 'waste of space'. Which obviously was not true. It then progressed to claims that people had nibbed/pinched him and that my children and his grandmother and grandfather were constantly poking and harassing him.

The family as a whole tried to nip this in the bud as soon as possible as eventually the family and my sisters friends were afraid to spend time with him alone.

In September 2018 he claimed that my sisters best friend who has babysat him regularly for his whole life threw him down the stairs. It (obviously) launched weeks worth of investigation and pain until he eventually admitted after weeks of pain for everyone involved that it was not true. He had fallen down accidently after not hanging onto the rain and she was only there to help and bring him to hospital.

Nomatter the claims we have tried to believe him each time and always always tried to find the whole story.

Today he came to our house, as per usual, to play with my children. After coming home from the park we all went inside and he went back out to the car to get his wellies so he continue playing in the garden. My husband arrived home just as he was opening the car (I couldn't see any of this). He grabs the wellies, closes the door and starts to run back inside but, slips and falls forward leaving a nasty gash on his cheek and eyebrow. He runs in and immediately starts screaming that my husband punched him. The children & I are shocked.

My husband states straight away that this didn't happen and we can all check the driveway camera and my nephews story changes instantly to it didn't happen and he starts to cry realising he's been caught out.

I pack up his stuff and drive him back to his mother and explain everything and say that I can't trust him. Someday he will tell a lie that will ruin somebodys life. He's not welcome to my home and I will not let any of my children spent time with him individually. AIBU?

OP posts:
hellenbackagen · 02/03/2019 22:56

I had a best pal at 16 who lied like this.
It was pathological.
I was abused by my stepfather but I was supporting her through the same....then found out it was a blatant lie. I also thought she was a diabetic- she lied.

I cut contact immediately I found out. People like this really do need help.

Ohtherewearethen · 02/03/2019 22:57

Oh what a dreadful mess OP, I'm so sorry about what you are going through. By how much you love your nephew it sounds like you are quite a supportive, strong family so hopefully can all be there for each other to get your nephew the help or treatment he needs.
I was going to suggest along the same lines as Thestral. Is he fearful of something? Scared he'd get into trouble for being clumsy and falling over again? Or tripping/dropping/breaking something? Is he worried about getting told off and so fabricates events so that nothing is ever his fault? Your sister must be at her wits end but hopefully the right support will be available and you can start to regain trust in your nephew. He's not irreparably broken. The very best of luck x

DewDropsonKittens · 02/03/2019 22:58

Children who have been sexually abused display these behaviours..

11 year olds, don't just have these behaviours for no reason at all.

Ohtherewearethen · 02/03/2019 23:02

Just had another thought, although your nephew's lying continues to put many people at risk, he is also putting himself at risk by developing a reputation as a liar. People might learn this and think they can hurt him, thinking that he won't be believed if he tells on them.

YouBumder · 02/03/2019 23:02

Is he in Scotland in p7 OP? Clearly worrying behaviours as high school approaches :(

My son is not like this but he does have ASD and school would often give him computer access as “reward” etc, it made his behaviour worse.

hellenbackagen · 02/03/2019 23:08

dewdrops truly not all kids who lie like this have been sexually abused! There are al kinds on mental health issues and conditions that could cause this....this boy needs assessment by a professional.

Lizzie48 · 02/03/2019 23:08

I don't want to alarm you, and chances are nothing traumatic has happened, but sadly the fact is that you wouldn't necessarily know if something bad had happened to him.

DSis and I were victims of SA at the hands of our F and others, and DM had absolutely no idea it was going on. It started when we were very young, so we didn't understand that it was abuse, and later we repressed our memories. I'd had flashbacks and other PTSD symptoms for many tears that I didn't understand. The memories came back for both of us when we had young DC.

All I'm saying really is that the fact that your nephew says that nothing traumatic has happened doesn't necessarily mean that there hasn't been anything. And he doesn't have a dad in his life, which might have had more of an impact than any of you realise.

There will be a reason for his behaviour, it's just that you don't know what it is. I also agree with PPs that there might be an underlying condition like Turrets Syndrome that hasn't been diagnosed. He needs professional help.

In the meantime, you're right to protect your family, they're your priority; it's very hard on your sister, though, made worse by the fact that she's been abandoned by friends and family.

It's a horrible situation for all of you. Thanks

DewDropsonKittens · 02/03/2019 23:11

@hellenbackagen yes I know..which is what I said in my post above..

hellenbackagen · 02/03/2019 23:14

Sorry dewdrops. I thought you were saying these behaviours were only displayed in child victims of sexual abuse....that's what I read from your post where I would say there are all sorts of reasons for lying. All need assessment from a professional imo.

Dimebag10M · 02/03/2019 23:14

I had a friend who duped all of us into thinking he had terminal cancer, that he was a hero in the army etc etc all believable as there was a smattering of truth amongst the stories... The truth obviously caught up to him as he committed suicide, and it was discovered pretty much everything we knew about him was a total lie. His mother (who he told us was dead) met with group of us and said nothing had ever happened on a traumatic level, but was a self esteem issue and liked the attention, and the truth ran away with him... I hope things are sorted for the little guy before he ruins his life and everyone else around him

HoppingPavlova · 02/03/2019 23:15

We had experience with a child like this. There had been issues for a while and the parents seemed to side with the child. It ended when they threatened me one day - if you don’t do x, I’ll say y. I packed them up, drove them straight home and went NC.

Takethebuscuitandthesink · 02/03/2019 23:18

He is a pathological liar

How could you possibly know that having never met the boy in question and not (I presume) being a doctor/phycologist.

Womaninred · 02/03/2019 23:19

Poor kid. Glad he’s a loving aunt helping out though. Thoughts with you all - not easy

Puzzledandpissedoff · 02/03/2019 23:24

The school are fully aware of the history ... There is always an adult present

Hang on - an adult? I know you said it was a small school, but surely they need an extra one around to protect the first?

SingingSands · 02/03/2019 23:28

I came on to comment but Thestral beat me to it. I think exactly the same, it is a crushing anxiety he has about his own self-worth and how he processes his perceived "failings".

Maybe he (unknowingly) holds himself to extremely high standards, or strives for perfection?

Maybe he needs to be taught in a loving supportive manner that it is ok to fail? That accidents like falling down stairs and tripping over happen to everyone and are not because he has "failed". Does he receive too much praise maybe? I know that sounds silly, but we can over-praise children just as we can over-indulge them.

I'm so sorry this has happened to your family. You say your DN is a lovely kind boy beneath all this so I really hope you can help him find a way through this.
Thanks

Stinkytoe · 02/03/2019 23:37

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AFistfulofDolores1 · 02/03/2019 23:39

His father was never on the scene unfortunately but, it's never been a problem.

Actually, I think this may indeed be part of the problem.

And there is absolutely no point whatsoever asking your nephew about how he feels about his family, or to reflect on his lying. We are not at all reliable witnesses to our own behaviours - and children least so.

YouBumder · 02/03/2019 23:41

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Klopptimist · 02/03/2019 23:44

ODFOD Stinky, her own DC and husband come first. I'd unhoik those judgypants if I were you, you're at risk of getting a bothersome vagina.

Missingstreetlife · 02/03/2019 23:49

What prawn said. Gp or school (does he do it there?) for cahms assessment.

Missingstreetlife · 02/03/2019 23:55

Xpost

pictish · 02/03/2019 23:56

Yanbu...not at all. It’s a dreadful shame it has to be this way but it does...you have to protect your family from his malicious lies.

I feel for your sister most of all. She must be at her wits’ end and so scared for him. I hope she is able to access some support, advice and guidance for both of them.

IDoN0tCare · 02/03/2019 23:56

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Peacocking · 02/03/2019 23:59

Maybe carefully documenting some of the incidents would be worthwhile (if you haven't already) in order to support anyone else through false allegations he might make in the future. I don't say this as a means to condemn or attack him, but more to assist any future innocent person in putting false allegations to rest promptly.

HeavyLocks · 03/03/2019 00:03

Stinkytoe

Nice, real nice.