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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my nephew is dangerous?

293 replies

bumsandtums · 02/03/2019 21:12

I love my nephew with all my heart. He is 11 and lives with my sister who is his mother.

We are a very close family & he spends time with my family on a weekly basis. We love having him here and my children & husband are besotted with him.

Over the years starting since he was 7 various claims have been made.
It started with several claims that family members had said malicious or hurtful things to him when they hadn't. He even said to my sister that I had called him a 'waste of space'. Which obviously was not true. It then progressed to claims that people had nibbed/pinched him and that my children and his grandmother and grandfather were constantly poking and harassing him.

The family as a whole tried to nip this in the bud as soon as possible as eventually the family and my sisters friends were afraid to spend time with him alone.

In September 2018 he claimed that my sisters best friend who has babysat him regularly for his whole life threw him down the stairs. It (obviously) launched weeks worth of investigation and pain until he eventually admitted after weeks of pain for everyone involved that it was not true. He had fallen down accidently after not hanging onto the rain and she was only there to help and bring him to hospital.

Nomatter the claims we have tried to believe him each time and always always tried to find the whole story.

Today he came to our house, as per usual, to play with my children. After coming home from the park we all went inside and he went back out to the car to get his wellies so he continue playing in the garden. My husband arrived home just as he was opening the car (I couldn't see any of this). He grabs the wellies, closes the door and starts to run back inside but, slips and falls forward leaving a nasty gash on his cheek and eyebrow. He runs in and immediately starts screaming that my husband punched him. The children & I are shocked.

My husband states straight away that this didn't happen and we can all check the driveway camera and my nephews story changes instantly to it didn't happen and he starts to cry realising he's been caught out.

I pack up his stuff and drive him back to his mother and explain everything and say that I can't trust him. Someday he will tell a lie that will ruin somebodys life. He's not welcome to my home and I will not let any of my children spent time with him individually. AIBU?

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 02/03/2019 22:00

Has he ever said something's happened when nothing has happened? So when he says someone's said something to upset him, what happened prior to that? Was there something that annoyed him (like he couldn't watch what he wanted on TV) or were they just sitting there and he said they'd said/done something?

Dimsumlosesum · 02/03/2019 22:00

Oh op, I feel for you. YANBU. You are utterly right to protect yourselves.

Serin · 02/03/2019 22:01

Oh how awful for you all.
I think the advice to log all behaviours is good. I would also consider having cameras in your home if you are ever having him over again.
As someone who volunteers with kids an unfounded allegation like this is one of my biggest fears.

Beeziekn33ze · 02/03/2019 22:01

So sorry. Awful for all of you but especially for your sister and her son. He must feel so confused and desperate. I hope he can get the right professional help very soon.

hellenbackagen · 02/03/2019 22:03

He's a problem. He needs assessment from a clinical psychologist - has he had this as yet?? Who did the advice not to talk about it come from?

He clearly has a huge problem that needs addressing. He will end up alone or in care at this rate.

Takethebuscuitandthesink · 02/03/2019 22:05

Other than crying what did your sister actually say?

Klopptimist · 02/03/2019 22:07

He is very small

No. He is 11 years old and according to the courts, that is old enough to know the difference between right and wrong. A copper or a judge won't say "Oh, but he's only little" and it is outrageously unfair for sister's friend or OP's DH to simply sit back and accept these lies when they could very easily have wrecked their lives. Can you imagine if OP didn't have CCTV? For fucks sake, her children could have been removed had this escalated.

Mymycherrypie · 02/03/2019 22:07

Oh wow. Yanbu. If I were your sister I would cut all after school activities where she couldn’t be present. He’s a walking liability, he could accuse anyone at scouts. The boy needs to see real consequences that affect him, not just the person he has accused. There are obviously some very deep issues here and I think the counselling needs to be stepped up. Where is his Dad?

Wholovesorangesoda · 02/03/2019 22:08

This is a very sad situation. It sounds as though he is already receiving professional help but it doesn't seem to be making any difference? Does your sister accept he has a problem or does she try to brush it off?

Sparkletastic · 02/03/2019 22:08

Is the lying a compulsion for him? Does he show any other symptoms?

GenderIsAPrison · 02/03/2019 22:09

Yanbu

Has the nephew ever been told the story of ‘the boy who cried wolf’?

Likethewind321 · 02/03/2019 22:10

Definitely worth seeing a clinical psychologist who specialises in children. Go private if at all possible as camhs inundated and you’ll be probably be waiting ages.

Likethewind321 · 02/03/2019 22:11

I did think it sounds like a compulsion. Could be an unusual manifestation of ocd.

hellenbackagen · 02/03/2019 22:12

I think this goes beyond an easops fable or a story.

He needs proper professional help.

hellenbackagen · 02/03/2019 22:13

Camhs are useless and overstretched.

Gp would help with a referral.

Mymycherrypie · 02/03/2019 22:14

No matter the claims we have tried to believe him each time

I understand why you would do this but in the cases that are obviously untrue, I wouldn’t entertain a single word. Everything this boy says has to be met with a “are you lying?” Even the good things. If you lie, people don’t trust you again.

It’s like the analogy of the plate being smashed. Ok we can glue the bits but the plate isn’t what it was before. That’s what happens when you lie.

Likethewind321 · 02/03/2019 22:14

Does he do this in other settings? What happens in school or scouts?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 02/03/2019 22:15

How on earth is he coping at school - and how are school coping with him?

At a time when the default (usually and quite rightly) is to believe children's accounts of harm done to them, it's incredible that any school would accept the risk he poses. I realise exclusion is a last resort, but just can't see how they can afford to take a chance on him cutting a swathe through the entire staff

Oliversmumsarmy · 02/03/2019 22:17

He sees his mum get upset about it but, it's just 'something that comes out

But it isn’t something that just comes out because if it was he would change his story as soon as it was not believed.

Has anyone pointed this out to him

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 02/03/2019 22:22

It does sound like more of a compulsion than consciously lying.

Do the lies come about when he has an accident or he's been chastised for something minor?

The big lies have happened right after he's fallen and injured himself.

Either way, he needs serious help.

SpottedTiger · 02/03/2019 22:23

He sounds very troubled and a MH assessment sounds like a very good move. DH has a condition where he suffers from hallucinations and delusions and whilst unwell 100% believes these things have happened/been said. DN is very young for this as symptoms normally start in teen years, but it is possible for them to start younger. There's so many potential reasons behind this behaviour he needs a specialist assessment to unpick things.

Meandwinealone · 02/03/2019 22:24

Well one day it will literally destroy him.

MotsDHeureGoussesRames · 02/03/2019 22:24

@InsomniBrat not RTFT but felt compelled to reply to you. Don't be so foolhardy as to make armchair diagnoses based on a snapshot of information on a child you don't know! 1) the behaviours displayed by this child sound NOTHING like BPD and 2) it is highly unusual to diagnose a PD in a child. The whole idea of a PD is that it happens after childhood, when personality is still being formative. OP, YANBU to keep this boy at a safe distance from your family and to support your DSIS in getting him some help but please don't listen to, or pass on to your DSIS, armchair diagnoses from people who don't know what they are talking about.

averystrangeweek · 02/03/2019 22:28

How old was he when all this started? And was there anything traumatic that may have happened in his life in the months preceding that?

Is his dad on the scene?

Billben · 02/03/2019 22:29

YANBU at all. However it would pain me, I would have nothing to do with him either out of pure fear.

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