Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not having larger for MIL... ?

710 replies

Bibijayne · 02/03/2019 08:57

MIL came to stay for a couple of nights this weekend. She has just stormed off upset this morning because my husband didn't offer her a larger last night (we don't have any!)

We have a 6 month old. And were never the biggest drinkers before. Last night my sister and BIL invaded briefly (unexpected but pleasant) because she wanted to celebrate her first pay cheque since getting a big promotion. Her hubbie was driving - so only on lemonade. She had a nice bottle of whisky. She had a single shot (measured) as did my husband and I. She offered a shot to my MIL but my MIL said she doesn't like whisky.

Unbeknownst to me, she asked my DH if we had anything else. We mostly have some spirits (literally not touched in over a year... Most unopened) and a couple of bottles of wine (saved for a special occasion and bought on our honeymoon 18 months ago. Plan was to open one on our anniversary later this year). He said what we had (not much). She asked if we had any beer or larger. He said no (we don't, but there's a very nice beer and larger shop about 3 minutes walk from our house. So if we fancy something we just go and buy a single bottle). He said we had tea, coffee, squash and lemonade too.

This morning, we come down. DH wanders into the kitchen (she's been up for a bit, but not really said hi. We've been feeding and wrangling the small person. He's breastfed, so I fed him upstairs). She then gets massively emotional. All I can hear is her saying (tearfully) 'I don't want to impose' before running for the door, with my husband chasing after her begging her to stay.

I am flabbergasted and ask if it was us asking about the latch (5 mins before I'd noticed she'd left the front door open after going for a fag. Before then going out the back door. We're fairly centrally located in a biggish city and this is a security issue! She's used to living in a village, DH said he'd mention it. I thought she may have overheard and been offended. Though not sure why :/ )

DH then explains that she felt we were policing her alcohol consumption. And she wasn't welcome because he said we had no larger...

She turned her phone off and drove off. So DH hasn't been able to get hold of her.

Really not sure what on Earth is going on!

OP posts:
puppy23 · 03/03/2019 21:42

I think I would've bought some in if I knew she liked it, BUT it was an extreme reaction on her part, especially given as it was delayed until the next morning, where surely having slept on it she would've calmed down and rationalised? Perhaps more to this?

Blarblarblar · 03/03/2019 21:48

bibijayne you have had a horrible hard time on this thread. I’m completely amazed at the meanness and general arseness. You did nothing wrong, nothing. You sound a lovely thoughtful host.
MIL is being a big baby. She’s maybe struggling with the change of dynamics in her son and hers relationship. Will settle down. Hope you are ok today.

GabsAlot · 03/03/2019 21:52

fuck off about the fucking lager they didnt know she liked fucking lager!

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 03/03/2019 21:55

@GabsAlot you have no idea how many times I wanted to type thhat since the beginning of this thread.GrinGrin

ddl1 · 03/03/2019 22:32

This is very strange behaviour on her part. I wonder: could she have developed some sort of problem with alcohol? Her need for lager at a specific time (after presumably not having particularly desired it in the past, or her son would have been aware that she liked it), combined with her preoccupation with being judged about her alcohol consumption, could suggest that? Regardless, it was not reasonable of her to demand that a couple with a young baby should automatically have it available, or be able and willing to get it for her instantly. Unless there is much more than you're telling us, and e.g. you did act cross and harrassed as a response to her asking, then her reaction is totally over the top.

Lovingbenidorm · 03/03/2019 22:39

Perhaps she did overreact a bit but that’s usually an indication of other issues building up.
I accept that you’re not regular drinkers but if you know a guest will fancy a cold beer on a Saturday night I can’t understand why you wouldn’t get a few in.
Especially as the shop was 3mins walk away

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 03/03/2019 22:46

Because they didn't know!!! MIL has never drank or asked for lager before!!

Bailey6 · 03/03/2019 22:48

OP, you sound so lovely and it’s such a minefield. My mom has flip outs like this occasionally and we have to work out what’s wrong, or what’s been missed etc. It can be exhausting, however she is an amazing mother with some tiny flaws. I think Anna hit the nail on the head and gave some good advice as it’s not necessarily about the alcohol - but lots of things! She has a lot to deal with and is going through a difficult transition. Also your FIL situation may have come as s smack in the face too. @Aubaine - yes women can have children at 50.......there is a thing called ivf and it’s used far and wide - even in the Middle East, where FIL is. There are also clinics that deal in donor conception etc etc. Twins would be highly likely. Also naturally twins are more likely to be conceived in an older mother in mid to late 40s..... I just don’t know why you are jumping on the OP about this. Remember the woman in her 50’s that had triplets a couple of years ago? Conceived abroad? Donor Embryos I think? The cut off age is 50 or 51 for ivf in some parts of europe.
I hope you can resolve the issue with MIL and that she is ok.

Lovingbenidorm · 03/03/2019 22:51

Well why didn’t DH nip out to the shop?

Jux · 03/03/2019 23:16

@YourSarcasmisDripping, well if you'd always drunk tea I would ask if you would be able to drink tea now and promise to get coffee tomorrow. There might be a good reason why you no longer drink tea, who knows? And,in truth, I have run out and got something for a guest on several occasions in my life. The only reason I probably wouldn't do it now is because the shops are a little further and I'd have to get my mobility scooter out so it would be LOT quicker for the guest to run down the road and get it themselves. However this is stretchng the analogy a bit far!

I maintain that it was very rude not to offer the Prosecco if dh couldn't be bothered to nip to the shop for lager.

GabsAlot · 03/03/2019 23:17

yoursarcasm i couldnt take it anymore and its still being said

changedifthatsokwithyou · 03/03/2019 23:20

Unless she is a dreadful manipulative drama lama, which you might have missed due to your ASD?

Let me fix that.

Unless she is a dreadful manipulative drama lager, which you might have missed due to your ASD?

CanuckBC · 04/03/2019 00:43

What a thread! So many people were so rude!

She wanted something they didn’t have that she has never asked before. Yes, her DH forgot about the Prosecco in the fridge, it’s his mom! She has been there many times before and has helped herself. There was alcohol that she enjoys but she decided not to drink it that night.

Who knows what is going with her. She has a lot going on in her life. This was a blip that may have pushed her over.

squeekums · 04/03/2019 03:08

We dont drink beer or larger and if people come here and want it, its BYO
I simply dont have it in my house and wont spend money on it. Same as food i dont eat, if someone came here asking for avocado for their sandwich id tell them where the shop is, i dont eat, therefore dont buy it.

She is being an idiot and if it was such a big deal why couldnt she go for a 3 min walk to get it. If your staying somewhere and you know they dont normally have xyz, BYO, its not hard.

Livingoncake · 04/03/2019 03:39

So here’s my take on what happened:

The MIL was looking forward to a quiet night in with her son and DIL. OP’s sister and BIL turn up unexpectedly and the evening turns into four young people celebrating the sister, with MIL sat on the fringes. She is put out but tries to put a brave face on it by asking for something to drink so she can join the celebration.

It seems there is nothing for her to drink. Tea/coffee/squash don’t quite measure up when everyone else is drinking Scotch. She doesn’t want to open a bottle of wine just for herself. She doesn’t want gin if there’s no tonic. So she asks her son for some lager, thinking he’s drunk it in the past so may have some in the house. There’s none of that either. So she gives up and has nothing to drink.

Later, sister and BIL leave and OP goes upstairs, bathes the baby and goes straight to bed rather than spending any time with MIL. MIL gets the message that OP isn’t bothered about her now that Sister is gone.

Next morning, MIL gets up early. She goes to the fridge for milk, sees the Prosecco, and wonders why this wasn’t offered to her so that she could have had a nice drink with everyone else. She may then have heard the conversation about the latch. She decides she’s had enough of being treated like a second-class citizen, and leaves. In her position, I’d have left too (minus the theatrics).

Aria999 · 04/03/2019 04:06
  • you have had a horrible hard time on this thread. I’m completely amazed at the meanness and general arseness. You did nothing wrong, nothing. You sound a lovely thoughtful host. MIL is being a big baby. She’s maybe struggling with the change of dynamics in her son and hers relationship. Will settle down. Hope you are ok today.*

This. I got bored of the thread around p18 but just wanted to say op you sound lovely, you didn’t do anything wrong and people are being weird as shit.

Also it’s great to see there are actually some people who drink on mumsnet. First thread I’ve read for a while where any of the responses admit to more than one drink a week lol.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/03/2019 06:43

Gabsalot - that did make me laugh! I agree, the number of people unable to read that the MIL has never been known to drink lager before this visit is ridiculous!

GnomeDePlume · 04/03/2019 06:57

Livingoncake your take on the situation is very much what I took.

DMiL has had a lot of changes around her over quite a short while with everyone moving on with their lives. She is possibly feeling a bit surplus to requirements.

The toast then seeing the prossecco in the fridge the next morning was possibly the final straw.

She may be not responding now as she feels a bit of an idiot for having an emotional outburst and doesnt know how to come back from it.

@Bibijayne you havent done anything wrong. Tell your DH to be kind to his DM and reassure her that she is still important in your lives. She may need to hear this.

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 04/03/2019 07:32

I do have a lot of different alcohol in my house but a few years ago my FIL told me about an amazing bottled beer he’d tried in a pub. He absolutely loved but had had trouble finding it in the shops.

I found it and got some in for him. We offered it every time he visited but he always chose something else. We even tried sending it home with him but he always said “I’ll drink it next time”. Last weekend we poured it away as it was three years out of date....

Strugglingtodomybest · 04/03/2019 08:00

GabsAlot Grin

joyfullittlehippo · 04/03/2019 08:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

phoenixrosehere · 04/03/2019 08:22

She wasn’t the only one not drinking though. Op’s BIL had lemonade. Plus, it was an unexpected visit by op’s sister not something that was purposely done. If op’s sister hadn’t stopped by unexpectedly, would mil have even wanted a drink, especially one she rarely if ever asks for? Doesn’t seem like it.

Her son probably didn’t think anything of her drinking and just said what they had off the top of his head. He also offered to get her the lager and she told him not to bother. She could have said yes, if it’s not to much trouble and he would have popped out and got it or went with her so she could choose which one. She could have used that time to talk to her son instead of pouting over a drink no one knew she drinks.

Londonmamabychance · 04/03/2019 08:29

I think all the talk about the alcohol is missing the point. No one would get that upset about something that insignificant if there wasn't something else going on. How is you relationship to MIL in general? Have you had issues before? Has it generally been a good visit? Relationships to MIL'd are notoriously difficult, and the time when s baby arrives can be especially tricky, as MIL may want to be included and be close to her new grandchild but more often than not there will be some ways of treating a baby she disagrees with her DIL on, and it isn't also commonly tricky for women to fully experience becoming the older generation, thrilled to have a grandchild but painfully aware they're now the grandmother and not the mother.

Janecon · 04/03/2019 08:54

I agree with @Livingoncake. My take on it too. It's not just about the lager.

Bignosenobum · 04/03/2019 09:28

Initially I thought that you had her over to see the baby. Did not realise it was more sociable event..Does she far away? Is there anything else bothering her?
Sometimes MIL can feel pushed out, not intentionally. However, thought her behaviour immature..Especially as your time taken with the baby. I think your attitude to alcohol to others is peevish. Measuring whiskey at home. If you are so bothered about security put a sign up
on the door. But also if you are in the city and it is so dangerous, why would a lone female walk to the local shop in the dark,? You should have got something in to offer guests..

Swipe left for the next trending thread