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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not having larger for MIL... ?

710 replies

Bibijayne · 02/03/2019 08:57

MIL came to stay for a couple of nights this weekend. She has just stormed off upset this morning because my husband didn't offer her a larger last night (we don't have any!)

We have a 6 month old. And were never the biggest drinkers before. Last night my sister and BIL invaded briefly (unexpected but pleasant) because she wanted to celebrate her first pay cheque since getting a big promotion. Her hubbie was driving - so only on lemonade. She had a nice bottle of whisky. She had a single shot (measured) as did my husband and I. She offered a shot to my MIL but my MIL said she doesn't like whisky.

Unbeknownst to me, she asked my DH if we had anything else. We mostly have some spirits (literally not touched in over a year... Most unopened) and a couple of bottles of wine (saved for a special occasion and bought on our honeymoon 18 months ago. Plan was to open one on our anniversary later this year). He said what we had (not much). She asked if we had any beer or larger. He said no (we don't, but there's a very nice beer and larger shop about 3 minutes walk from our house. So if we fancy something we just go and buy a single bottle). He said we had tea, coffee, squash and lemonade too.

This morning, we come down. DH wanders into the kitchen (she's been up for a bit, but not really said hi. We've been feeding and wrangling the small person. He's breastfed, so I fed him upstairs). She then gets massively emotional. All I can hear is her saying (tearfully) 'I don't want to impose' before running for the door, with my husband chasing after her begging her to stay.

I am flabbergasted and ask if it was us asking about the latch (5 mins before I'd noticed she'd left the front door open after going for a fag. Before then going out the back door. We're fairly centrally located in a biggish city and this is a security issue! She's used to living in a village, DH said he'd mention it. I thought she may have overheard and been offended. Though not sure why :/ )

DH then explains that she felt we were policing her alcohol consumption. And she wasn't welcome because he said we had no larger...

She turned her phone off and drove off. So DH hasn't been able to get hold of her.

Really not sure what on Earth is going on!

OP posts:
YourSarcasmIsDripping · 02/03/2019 21:51

@Bibijayne he's hinting (badly) at the fact that you and MIL are fighting over your DH's attention and are playing games to be "first". You apparently have the trump baby card. Hence feeling sorry for him.

It's bullshit ofc,but then again most of this thread is with all the made up arguments, projections ,entitled views and just good old OP bashing for sport.

Original poster
Bibijayne · 02/03/2019 21:52

@LadAlive

No probs! At one point there were so many comments I kept cross-posting/ missing stuff. It happens. Just a bit emotionally exhausted by it all.

OP posts:
Beeziekn33ze · 02/03/2019 21:53

OP I agree with PPs who think MIL is generally feeling upset and insecure at the moment. Her position in life has changed, maybe by moving house she's no longer near her friends and previous activities.
She needs a hug and can't bring herself to ask for one.
Hope you're soon back in contact just to know she's all right. You did nothing wrong.
Irrelevantly I'm wondering what the expensive whisky is and whether I'd like it. I drink a wee dram when SiL offers his so not very often as I don't live near.

Original poster
Bibijayne · 02/03/2019 21:55

Oh @YourSarcasmIsDripping - that didn't occur to me. Why would I fight for DH's attention? We're married and live together?

TBH our little boy is currently the apple of everyone's eye. But I figure that's how it's supposed to be?

OP posts:
Original poster
Bibijayne · 02/03/2019 21:56

@Beeziekn33ze

Mortlach 16 year. Really smooth, yet rich Speyside.

OP posts:
AnnaMagnani · 02/03/2019 22:24

OP take heart, my mum once had a big strop because I said she did NOT need to do any ironing for me

Mine too! And because I said I didn't need to take any vegetables home with me.

For the next year I gave up and went home with enough veg to feed a family of 4 even though I was single and most went straight in the bin. And when she visited I saved up the ironing Smile

OP these things happen as we work out how to be adult-adult with our parents instead of adult-child. Arrival of a baby is a classic time for all these issues to suddenly bubble up. If you plod away, pick your battles but don't rise to drama it should all come good in the end.

rosewater20 · 02/03/2019 22:28

@Motherofcreek if no one else in the house is going to drink the prosecco then a half bottle for just MIL should be enough. A full bottle serves around six glasses which is a lot for one person to drink (I like prosecco but I would be very ill if I had a full bottle to myself) and you can't cork the bottle after so it would have just gone to waste.

Original poster
Bibijayne · 02/03/2019 22:28

Thanks @AnnaMagnani - your advice has been both kind and constructive. Really appreciated :)

OP posts:
rosewater20 · 02/03/2019 22:35

@Bibijayne you sound like a lovely DL who is kind and inclusive to your MIL. It sounds like your MIL might have other things on her mind, but if she isn't communicative with you (or your DH), then there isn't much you can do about it.

Lovewineandchocs · 02/03/2019 22:37

can't cork the bottle after so it would have just gone to waste

You can use a Fizz Keeper Grin
OP I hope this all gets sorted out soon.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/03/2019 22:55

For what it's worth, Bibi, I don't see there's anything wrong with you doing your normal bathtime routine with your baby.

I have a friend who used to bath with her baby too - and her DH needed to help her with that - so when I was staying for the weekend, I would be left downstairs too. Oddly enough, I didn't take the almighty hump over it because it's her baby and her routine - why on earth would anyone get shitty over that?! Unless they're overly entitled "all about meeeeeee" types, that is.

Beeziekn33ze · 02/03/2019 23:03

Bibijayne - Thank you!

Clankboing · 02/03/2019 23:20

OP there is nothing wrong with what you said or did. I can imagine the same happening in my family. For what it's worth, we have no alcohol in the house ever, plenty of visitors, it never occurs to me to buy alcohol for potential guests. The visitors keep coming so it can't be a big issue. I would also ignore the tons of posters who have over thought each part of your posts - ridiculous! As for what is wrong with your mil, she probably doesn't even know herself.

PregnantSea · 03/03/2019 01:55

Your MIL is overeacting but tbf I think it's really mean that DH wouldn't nip out to the shop 3 mins down the road to grab his mum a couple of lagers. When my family come to stay I always get in a few bits - nice choccies, their fave wine etc. And if they loved lager I would get some of that. Especially since you said that the shop was only a 3 min walk - almost sounds like you're rubbing it in.

You don't have to do it, of course, but it is a nice thing to do when you have a guest.

DistanceCall · 03/03/2019 02:17

MIL: I quite fancy a lager or beer tonight, do you have any?
DH: No, sorry. Can I offer you tea, coffee, squash or lemonade?
MIL: Oh, no bother then, I'll leave it.
So MIL is left looking and feeling like a spare part as the 4 other adults make a toast. That is an awkward situation to be put in and she no doubt felt very left out.

Only that if she said "Oh, no bother then, I'll leave it", most people would treat her like what she is, an adult, and not realise that she was being passive aggressive. The MIL was not "left looking and feeling like a spare part", or "put" in an "awkward position", and "left out". If she felt that way, it was exclusively because of what she said. The other people in the room had no way to know that she was feeling left out, and certainly didn't deliberately exclude her.

GnomeDePlume · 03/03/2019 10:20

Bibijayne I wonder if living with you that your DH has got out of the habit of paying attention to subtext.

When you say 'dont bother' that is precisely what you mean.

When DMil says 'don't bother' that is precisely what she doesn't mean. Your DH should know this.

As PPs have said, you did absolutely nothing wrong. You were busy, your DH should have been paying attention to being an attentive host to all his guests. Not just the newest arrivals.

Strugglingtodomybest · 03/03/2019 10:49

This thread is crazy. I don't think I've seen one with quite so many posters not being able to read properly or just blatantly making stuff up. Thank god poster Ce#### (Sorry, I can't remember the numbers!) came along when they did with sensible advice.

And the poster who said that no-one likes a pedant, well, that's just lovely isn't it?

Flowers for you OP for remaining so calm throughout this thread. You did nothing wrong.

Movinghouseatlast · 03/03/2019 10:55

It is really inhospitable to not nip out and get her what she wanted as it's only a few minutes away.

How old is she? I am wondering if her reaction is due to perimenopause or menopause symptoms which really do make one very emotional.

HoraceCope · 03/03/2019 11:15

I do hope MIL gets back in touch and all is resolved

Coconut0il · 03/03/2019 12:28

OP You did nothing wrong. I cannot imagine anyone I know ever throwing a strop because someone didn't have a drink they wanted.
My mom visits every week, she normally drinks tea. If she visited and we didn't have any, she would just say ok. She would not think I was a terrible host who hadn't thought about her!
If anything you were a good host to extend your meal to unexpected visitors.

Port1ajazz · 03/03/2019 17:22

Goodbye shut the door behind you !

MrsC45 · 03/03/2019 17:31

I don't think you did anything wrong, and with a 6 month old baby you have more important things to worry about. I'd suggest to your husband that he needs to speak to his mum and resolve any issues, and you should forget about it x

Punstow61 · 03/03/2019 17:36

Mumsnet is just so weird sometimes! Sorry people are being mean to you. I don’t think you did anything wrong OP.

ToftyAC · 03/03/2019 17:41

Personally I think your MIL spat her dummy out in a spectacular fashion.

manicmij · 03/03/2019 17:51

MIL behaviour a bit childish, would though have told her someone would go to shop ( or with her) to get a bottle or two for her. There was an easy solution for all.