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Original poster

Not having larger for MIL... ?

710 replies

Bibijayne · 02/03/2019 08:57

MIL came to stay for a couple of nights this weekend. She has just stormed off upset this morning because my husband didn't offer her a larger last night (we don't have any!)

We have a 6 month old. And were never the biggest drinkers before. Last night my sister and BIL invaded briefly (unexpected but pleasant) because she wanted to celebrate her first pay cheque since getting a big promotion. Her hubbie was driving - so only on lemonade. She had a nice bottle of whisky. She had a single shot (measured) as did my husband and I. She offered a shot to my MIL but my MIL said she doesn't like whisky.

Unbeknownst to me, she asked my DH if we had anything else. We mostly have some spirits (literally not touched in over a year... Most unopened) and a couple of bottles of wine (saved for a special occasion and bought on our honeymoon 18 months ago. Plan was to open one on our anniversary later this year). He said what we had (not much). She asked if we had any beer or larger. He said no (we don't, but there's a very nice beer and larger shop about 3 minutes walk from our house. So if we fancy something we just go and buy a single bottle). He said we had tea, coffee, squash and lemonade too.

This morning, we come down. DH wanders into the kitchen (she's been up for a bit, but not really said hi. We've been feeding and wrangling the small person. He's breastfed, so I fed him upstairs). She then gets massively emotional. All I can hear is her saying (tearfully) 'I don't want to impose' before running for the door, with my husband chasing after her begging her to stay.

I am flabbergasted and ask if it was us asking about the latch (5 mins before I'd noticed she'd left the front door open after going for a fag. Before then going out the back door. We're fairly centrally located in a biggish city and this is a security issue! She's used to living in a village, DH said he'd mention it. I thought she may have overheard and been offended. Though not sure why :/ )

DH then explains that she felt we were policing her alcohol consumption. And she wasn't welcome because he said we had no larger...

She turned her phone off and drove off. So DH hasn't been able to get hold of her.

Really not sure what on Earth is going on!

OP posts:
Nearly47 · 03/03/2019 19:44

I think was the staying upstairs with the baby and leaving her alone for ages. I'd have hated that. Maybe but September off but feel unwelcome. Who leaves a gest alone like that? Come down, ask them if they want some breakfast. Keep her company I am not the best host but I wouldn't do that.

Nearly47 · 03/03/2019 19:45

Don't know where September came fromConfused Meant to say I wouldn't have stormed off

Totaldogsbody · 03/03/2019 19:46

I think both parties are to blame here. You should have offered to get some lager or at least offered the prosecco you had bought specially for her. She should have explained what was upsetting her and not stropped off in a huff. I don't normally have much alcohol in the house but if I know someone is coming over I normally try to cater for their likes.
Your MIL needs to grow up and realise when there's a small child around sometimes things get a bit fraught, ( like unexpected guests arriving ) it would be better to help then rather than take umbrage at unintentional slights. You need to talk to her and find out exactly what is wrong and tell her to talk to you if shes upset rather than sulking that's why many families don't talk to each other for years.

gladiolus · 03/03/2019 19:53

Aha! God I'm good. I was reading this thread and was thinking all the way through "The OP sounds a little bit Aspie". Got to page 8 and there it was.

I am aspie too so I totally get it. It sounds like a classic NT/ASD misunderstanding where she's being vague and unclear about what she wants and expecting you to read her mind, you just hearing the words she says and acting accordingly, and her being pissed off because you didn't read her mind.

Does she know you're aspie?

Cuntforthebutter · 03/03/2019 20:00

gladiolus I thought that too (OH is an Aspie). Yes, OP said upthread somewhere that MIL knows to be clearer

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 03/03/2019 20:01

@Nearly47 the MIL wakes up at 5!! Would you really get up then to make her breakfast?

She also said she likes to be alone in the morning to have a fag in peace and chill.

Cuntforthebutter · 03/03/2019 20:01

Hang on though, I don't think OP was part of the exchange was she?

gladiolus · 03/03/2019 20:17

**schnubbins

I cannot imagine not having , beer ,wine, prosecco etc, etc in the house at any time of the year to offer guests , expected or unexpected .It just good hospitality and making people feel welcome.I always can throw something on the table to eat also .You could have looked after the baby and your husband the entertaining.

I literally have none of the above in my house at any time. But then, being aspie, I discourage guests. If it was a planned party of course it would be different and I'd get in a range of drinks. But if someone turns up unexpectedly they make do with what I've got.

expat101 · 03/03/2019 20:23

My Daughter doesn't drink so when I am staying with her, I bring my wine with me. I suppose if I asked her to buy some in she would, but I have always considered it's my habit etc and it's not for her to fund. However neither of us live near a bottle shop, so it's just convenient to organise beforehand.

However, has someone been on your MIL's case in regard to how much she is consuming? It sounds like she is feeling some pressure to reduce what she is consuming and feels like she is being monitored, so she has dwelt on that all night, probably didn't sleep well either being in a strange bed and feels totally strung out by now. If she isn't answering her mobile, I would suggest Hubby gets in the car and heads to her place to ensure she made it home ok. Let them talk it through quietly together.

She will probably feel like a right mug tomorrow after a better sleep in her own bed.

Jux · 03/03/2019 20:29

If you were coffee drinkers and I only drank tea, I would buy coffee specially if I knew you were coming to stay with me. If I forgot to buy coffee until after you'd arrived and some of my family had turned up too, we are all settled in to have a pot of tea and a chat - well, I imagine you'd say "oh no, don't worry" when I remembered that you only drank coffee. That's polite of you. The reponse to your politeness is not to say " that's all right then" leaving you to drink water. The correct response is " it's no bother at all", then dash out to buy coffee and make you some.

Your MIL was being polite.
You and dh (he especially) were rude and bad hosts.
But it's his mum and his rudeness, and she brought him up so I expect you can tell yourself that it's actually all her own fault.

Wedgiecar58 · 03/03/2019 20:32

Attention seeking, dont pander to it. You have enough on your plate with a new baby.

burnoutbabe · 03/03/2019 20:35

what do people do when the local shop is not 3 mins walk away but say 10 mins? or its raining? or its 10 min drive away? is one still obliged to leap up and head out, leaving everyone else behind waiting for them to return (as rude to eat without the host)?

SnowyDaze · 03/03/2019 20:39

It seems inhospitable not to buy her the drink she enjoys.

But I do understand your frustration. When my MIL visits (every month!!) we have to buy her special tea bags, special coffee, special bread, special milk and special wine. She drinks the wine like it is going out of fashion (nearly a bottle each night of her stay).

Drives me a bit batty! If I make myself a tea (even if she has a coffee in her hand), I have to offer her a tea. If I make a snack for myself, I am supposed to offer her a snack too (even though she doesn’t ever snack). It’s ridiculous!

I don’t drink wine, so she’ll wait and then start huffing, then announce to the room (usually just me, as DH works late) “just wondering if anyone is going to offer me a glass of wine”. She’s been visiting for the past 20 years!!! I usually suggest she opens it herself.

Enjoyed my rant. No suggestions, just solidarity

Inertia · 03/03/2019 20:40

I know this is going back a bit, but is it the 51 year old new wife who's just had twins Shock ?

gladiolus · 03/03/2019 20:45

Ok, now I've read the whole thread. It took a while but I think you've been very classy in dealing with the more unpleasant comments.

Yes, your DH should have offered the prosecco in the fridge, but he didn't.

This is a learning experience. Next time she wants to come and stay you could ask in advance if there's anything in particular she'd like you to get in for her.

And I'm very impressed that you're ok with people staying in your house in the first place. I couldn't handle it all.

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 03/03/2019 20:46

@Jux except you didn't know they drink coffee because they never asked or drank it before. They drink tea. But now they want coffee.

gladiolus · 03/03/2019 20:46

*at all

sunshinemode · 03/03/2019 20:56

Why are people being so mean to op. She has said that she has ASD and this explains why she is giving great detail about the situation...a little empathy folks. We rarely drink and manage to have lots of family meals without alcohol and have yet to have guests storm out of the house. Also surely a mother visits as family rather than a guest who needs cosseting.

NutElla5x · 03/03/2019 20:56

You sound rather uptight, pious and slightly judgemental when it comes to booze op. Who cares about the exact contents of your drinks cabinet and when you are planning on drinking it (or not). The fact is your husband should have at least offered to go down the shop and pick up some beers for his mum.That coupled with not one of you bothering to go downstairs when you knew she was down there alone for God knows how long. You both seem really rude and unwelcoming and I suspect her hearing you moaning about her behind her back was just the final straw. Apologise and perhaps show her a bit more hospitality next time she visits.

SuspiciouslyMinded · 03/03/2019 21:05

I think most replies here show how ingrained the booze culture is in this country - and it’s not great. OP, there is nothing wrong with being a non-drinker or a moderate drinker, and there certainly nothing wrong with not offering the right kind of alcohol to your guests. Especially if you’re breastfeeding so obviously not drinking much yourself.

It wasn’t a drinks party you invited your MiL to. Anyone who storms off and feels hurt because they weren’t offered a beer has a beer problem.

YANBU, but many posters here are.

SuspiciouslyMinded · 03/03/2019 21:10

PS. Plus you have a little baby, OP. You breastfeed. You’re stuck with the little one for hours and you have plenty to do and worry about without remembering your extended family members’ alcohol preferences. When you have close family members paying you a visit, they should offer to make you tea, not pester you about beer.

If you’re worried about the situation with your MiL, let your husband sort it out and let him make sure his family have what they need in the future.

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 03/03/2019 21:11

This thread has shown me how lucky I am not to have friends or family like some PP. Ignoring the lack of comprehension and fabricating facts, I seriously couldn't cope having people so needy,entitled and unable to say what they mean in my life or my home.

AuchAyeTheNo · 03/03/2019 21:15

OP far too many people are on your ass over this it’s shocking!

So basically DH and MIL have a conversation and your are not involved or aware of it yet everyone here is going on about your alchohol specifics!

I’d leave DH to deal with her, the conversation did not include you so you shouldn’t be the one to sort it out. I do think she’s over-reacting though

phoenixrosehere · 03/03/2019 21:18

So your oh offered to get it for her and she says don’t bother and as far as you both know she doesn’t really even drink lager?

That’s batty. She’s an adult not a child. She has a voice. She said don’t bother. Your oh took her in her word. He is not a mind reader. Don’t pander to her.

Also, there are plenty of people who don’t keep different types of alcohol in their home, especially if you’re not big drinkers or only like certain alcohol. From some of the posts here everyone is supposed to have a minibar in their home just to be safe.

HotpotLawyer · 03/03/2019 21:32

OP, you sound like a fab DIL, and you are very patient.

Whatever the niceties if perfect hosting, there is no way a can of lager can have caused an outburst like she had.

Something else must be making her feel raw and vulnerable. I hope she will tell you or DH what it is soon.

Unless she is a dreadful manipulative drama lama, which you might have missed due to your ASD?

I would explain it all to your DSis and BIL and ask their perspective. They were there on the night, they know her well....