To want a friend with benefits within a marriage ?

[Dadboddancer]

Totally ready to get flamed here but surely someone feels same as me.

I'm 35. Married man. Got two beautiful children.

Sadly my wife has given up on sex. We have had sex once in 4 years. No other sexual contact.

I realise with young kids sex is going to be less frequent. I also realise there are more pressures on my wife to deliver childcare and run house as I work full time.

I've rearranged my work life to get a day a week with kids and to help with housework and childcare. I've taken sex mentally off the table and focussed on being a caring husband so she feels loved.

Sadly there is just nothing .

I know I'm not perfect. Neither am I s gorgeous lethario. I do however genuinely love my wife. This is tearing me apart.

She tells me things will get better- but how long is reasonable to wait. 3 years ? 5 years ? A lost lifetime.?

To me my options are :

1. accept it and carry on loving my beautiful wife non sexually
2. Tell her I'm leaving and break 2 children's hearts and futures (I think or hopr we are good parents)
3. find a friend with benefits and keep marriage as is

No option is perfect . Has anyone else done this? Does anyone else want this ?

Flame away- but remember id accept a life without sex for my children's benefit. I'm just not sure that's right

At the end of the day the OP can either be a lying cheating adulterer or he can do the right thing and talk to his wife. Then they can either work through it together or agree to separate (or she can agree to be married to a cheat). But the OP cheating without a conversation is an adulterer plain and simple. And it doesn't matter how unfair you think not having sex for 4 years is or what jolly little term you use, it's adultery.

And it doesn't matter how unfair you think not having sex for 4 years is or what jolly little term you use, it's adultery.

It is. I just don't think it's any bigger a 'crime' against the relationship than removing sex from the marriage for four years. That said my advice to the OP is still to speak to his wife. Carrying on in this limbo isn't doing anyone any good.

Sent you a PM, I am in a similar situation tbh. Talking about it can help

FriarTuck I dont think anyone has said he should cheat and its fine, because she is with holding sex. Nor did anyone say that rape is fine either.

They are saying it's a perfectly reasonable reason to leave a marriage.

But then you keep insisting posters are saying things they aren't.

Not going to address the fact that you accused me of condoning rape?

I don't think your an arsehol either

I think I pretty much feel the same as your wife. I just don't fancy it anymore, for the same reasons and to be honest I just can't be arsed. He also sounds the same as you (only a few very small differences, hoping you're not him as I would cut bits off him if he got a fwb!); loving, caring, accepting. We have had more sex than you two but it's well spaced out. She may not feel the same but in case she does and this is any help - my husband still fancies me but is (seemingly) happy to go without and is fine with it all quiet on the sex front in such an exhausting and stressful time. The problem is - if there is a problem - that I actually love sex and am very attracted to him but because he NEVER pushes it or even questions it and I'm currently happy going without I never come onto him. If he made some more advances I'd soon be persuaded. Perhaps there is such a thing as being too chivalrous? I'm obviously not suggesting being letchy or pushy, but maybe just ask her if she feels like that at all? It might not be that she's gone off sex itself, but more the effort and thought of it.

Also, do NOT cheat on your wife. You'll lose everything.

Toomuchworking and if he pushes too much he will be accused of trying to make her to have sex.

You fancy your husband, enjoy sex but dont because he doesnt push it enough.....and you aren't sure if he is ok with it?

I cant imagine being in a LTR and assuming my partner is ok, with having no/little sex. Why cant you have a conversation about it?

@Quintella I completely agree with you. I don’t get why having an affair is worse than rejecting your spouse for years. Both aren’t great, but one is seen as the absolute worst you can do to a person and one is supposed to just be tolerated.

The OP is in his thirties, in his prime, poor bloke! So young to be without sex, my head would explode.

Toomuchworking

Why should it be the man who has to initiate and make the effort? If you know you’d enjoy sex if you got back into the grove, what’s stopping you. Perhaps you shouldn’t allow your relationship to drift into sexlessness... Sooner or later it’s likely to crack!

Also agree with @huskylover1, I think you can tell the high sex drives from the low on here! 😬

I've got 4 children but if my honest I never really got my libido back after the first. I have regular sex with my husband though, sometimes daily. He moans that I don't initiate it but in all honesty I would rather go to sleep.

I do it though because otherwise we are just housemates. Sometimes I even enjoy it - it's just the thought of it.

What annoys me with my husband is that I can't even have a cuddle with him without him starting to move things on and I wonder if you are a bit like that? It's really off-putting. Have you tried suggesting a quickie? She might be anxious at the thought of hours of it. Have you discussed how it feels? I'm not as sensitive as I was before kids and find it harder to orgasm. That puts me off doing it at all.

Is she self conscious of her body? I put on a lot of weight and that made me more inhibited. Likewise have you let yourself go? I hate sex when my husband has been drinking (at all) but I've told him that and now just refuse to do it. You need to try and break it down as there may be a few reasons.

You need to speak to her but without the pressure. I know when I speak to my mates none of us really want to do it with the regularity our husbands do. But my husband is more easy going when he's not sexually frustrated and I accept it is a normal part of a marriage and I enjoy the intimacy even if I didn't feel like doing it in the beginning.

Remember she is missing out too. I wouldn't have been able to express how I felt to my husband. But if you are thinking of sleeping with someone else to satisfy your desires you really need to talk.

Your children are still young. My youngest is now 4 and I'm more up for in now than I have been in a decade. Feeling like someone wants to touch you all day and just not wanting to be fiddled with is a real thing. But it does subside.

Yeah. There's some proper frigid bitches on here.

Yeah. There's some proper frigid bitches on here.

Yeah, there are also some proper sex maniacs on here too, who have the audacity to say they’d really struggle with enduring 4 years of enforced celibacy. Selfish fuckers.

OP isn't going to get answers here. Though i suspect they didn't want them.

We have 'are you trying it on enough' and 'are you trying it on too much'

Everyone is different and no one can shed light on the reasons the ops wife feels like she does.

He must have also known noone on mn was going to say 'yeah! Get a fuck buddy behind her back'

Not frigid, but definitely defensive. OP was asking for advice and some people have really jumped down his throat.

Oakenbeech - 4 years is a hell of a long time to go without. How is it selfish to want sex? It is one of the great pleasures of life and the way we express love to our partners.

These threads are always the same.

Men come and complain they're not getting any.

Posters tell them to talk to the wife and if they can't resolve then separate.

They never do. Because they are actually scared that it will mean the end of the relationship.

Look what a relationship gives you: Love, intimacy, trust, respect, companionship, laughter, memories, security, children, families and, yes, sex.

If you really cannot be together without sex then you have to lose all the rest as well. It's a tough choice and a bit of a gamble. That's why they never confront the issue. They are scared of losing everything for the chance to have sex.

OP it might just be that your wife doesn't fancy you any more. If you separate you could both go on to have happy, sexually fulfilling relationships with other people.

Your call.

I'd split while the kids are young. Don't wait until they are older-it is harder on them. Just remain involved in their care and provide for them.
PS Your wife either feels too unattractive to have sex or doesn't fancy you (or both!)

Yeah, there are also some proper sex maniacs on here too, who have the audacity to say they’d really struggle with enduring 4 years of enforced celibacy. Selfish fuckers

4 years and missing sex hardly makes someone a sex maniac

The OP has gone by the way.

Your wife either feels too unattractive to have sex or doesn't fancy you (or both!)

Or the lack of sex is due to resentment that has built over years, and she needs to feel valued and appreciated (which she may feel despite you generally being a good guy - trust me!) and with a bit of attention and effort on both sides, things will improve.

4 years and missing sex hardly makes someone a sex maniac

Exactly... my post was a sarcastic retort to Anyfuckers’ post

The op is long gone. He got what he wanted.

I would love to read the dw's side of this. I work ans have to children not far from the age of op's.

Most days I'm exhausted. Sex is not on my radar often.

Did those stating it's unacceptable that's it's been 4 years - I'm hazarding a guess that a year and a half of that she was pregnant, another year she was feeding two tiny infants and managing most if not all their care and her body recovering from childbirth. I would agree 4 years is a long time but breaking these 4 years down this woman has had a lot going on with her body. I totally feel touched out and agree it's far from conducive for sex.

Yeah. There's some proper frigid bitches on here
Does what is says on the tin