To want a friend with benefits within a marriage ?

[Dadboddancer]

Totally ready to get flamed here but surely someone feels same as me.

I'm 35. Married man. Got two beautiful children.

Sadly my wife has given up on sex. We have had sex once in 4 years. No other sexual contact.

I realise with young kids sex is going to be less frequent. I also realise there are more pressures on my wife to deliver childcare and run house as I work full time.

I've rearranged my work life to get a day a week with kids and to help with housework and childcare. I've taken sex mentally off the table and focussed on being a caring husband so she feels loved.

Sadly there is just nothing .

I know I'm not perfect. Neither am I s gorgeous lethario. I do however genuinely love my wife. This is tearing me apart.

She tells me things will get better- but how long is reasonable to wait. 3 years ? 5 years ? A lost lifetime.?

To me my options are :

1. accept it and carry on loving my beautiful wife non sexually
2. Tell her I'm leaving and break 2 children's hearts and futures (I think or hopr we are good parents)
3. find a friend with benefits and keep marriage as is

No option is perfect . Has anyone else done this? Does anyone else want this ?

Flame away- but remember id accept a life without sex for my children's benefit. I'm just not sure that's right

Having a ‘friend with benefits’ is only acceptable if it’s agreed between the two of you. God knows she might actually welcome the idea. You need to sit down and have a talk. It’s not fair for her to expect you to be celibate just because she doesn’t want sex but it’s not right for you to lie to her.

I'd like to get back with my ex husband and he'd like that too but I really can't be doing with sex any more after the menopause. We'd love to grow old together. Our relationship is more important than sex we've shared so many years together.
I'd be happy for him to get it somewhere else especially as he has his own place. As long as I never found out the details and it was never discussed during our time together I'd be ok with it.
A lot of people wouldn't like it at all and would consider this an inferior relationship but i'm not so sure.
If you enjoy your married life, love your wife and children I can't see that it's a deal breaker.
But I don't know if your wife would see it the same way.
I have a few friends my age who don't have sex with their husbands and they know that their husbands see professionals and they are ok with it.

I have a few friends my age who don't have sex with their husbands and they know that their husbands see professionals and they are ok with it

I don’t think the OP has suggesting stooping as low as abusing prostituted women. He is thinking about FWB, which is a consensual adult relationship. It’s not illegal or abusive.

Personally I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone who is ok with rape , abuse and human trafficking.

I'm so sorry OP. I had this experience the other way around, it is brutal to live with someone you love and who loves you, but who has no interest in sex with you. It's soul destroying. The options are all horrendous. I stuck with it (15 years of no sex) before I left. It made me bitter, angry, depressed - in no way the best person I could be. Your DC will grow up and this will affect them, insidiously, no matter how you try. Good luck. It's bloody awful.

4 years?!?!?!?!???!! Jesus Christ. Could counselling help?, frank discussion with wife, she if you can help her through whatever she’s going though, if not, leave her. This is no way to live. The fwb thing could get messy.

It's possible she subconsciously associates sex with pregnancy and absolutely doesn't want more children. Many women love their children but just don't like motherhood as such. Perhaps suggest you have a vasectomy so that sex can be pure fun and physical enjoyment, with no risk of pregnancy. If she is on the pill it may not suit her.

Option 4 - request that she goes to sex therapy with you. Relate runs courses and while you might have to join a waiting list surely it's worth a go if you really want to stay married? I think you've been very patient and she can't keep brushing the issue under the rug. Don't give ultimatums about leaving if it doesn't work, but do ask her to give it a go. If she refuses then I think you've got your answer and yes, rather than cheat, I would end the relationship.

If a healthy sex life is important to you there is nothing wrong with that and I happen to think that sexual compatibility is a deal breaker in relationships. There is nothing wrong with seeking sex outside your marriage as long as your wife knows and is accepting of the arrangement. I think your need to sit down with her and have a serious conversation and don't let her fob you off with "it will get better". Maybe she is scared to tell you that she no longer wants sex to be a part of her life because she might loose you. You could reassure her that you love her but that you have to find an answer to the problem because ignoring your needs isn't going to work and you will look elsewhere eventually. I have been celibate for 8 years and now consider myself asexual if I had a partner I would encourage them to look for sex elsewhere because it would take the pressure off of me. Maybe she'll feel the same.

OP if you are still reading.

Sex and attraction is a key part of a relationship. We don't live in an era where divorce is not possible. So - I think you hve been very very understanding waiting four years. I wouldnt' have waited that long.

Man or Woman - you are allowed to have a sexual side of yourself in life.

If it was me this would be the beginning of the end of the marriage I'm afraid. I would give it another go and then accept that life is to be lived - and move on.

harsh but honestly I think fair.

btw ending a marriage does not necessarily break your kids hearts.

You are modelling a relationship for them - it has to be real.

IF you walk away and live nearby and be a present father they will recover - the truth is your wife will probably find someone new and want sex with them - harsh but I think she obviously doesn't fancy you anymore but doesn't want to admit it.

I think mumsnet is weird. Marriage is a sexual relationship not a friendship relationship.

If your wife wants to co parent with you without sex then surely you should split up? That's not a romantic relationship.

So your wife has a cleaner, no night wake ups or disturbed sleep, works part time and gets half a child free day a week. Struggling to see why she is "so tired" if I'm honest.

She's not with the children 100% of the time, as she gets adult conversation and time away during her working hours. Quite frankly she's taking the piss isn't she?

I work full time, DH works away so 100% of any child related things is my responsibility when I am only own. I also clean and run a household, but when DH is back were like rampant rabbits, because we love and adore eachother and find one another attractive and we have a sexual chemistry. If DH didn't put out for 4 years, refused to address the subject or talk about it, I would leave him. I'm not going to live a miserable existence void of sexual pleasure and just the simple touch of the man I loved to placate someone else.

I think your about to reach a crunch point. She either needs to open up about the issue and either call it a day or agree to mutually work on it. I would try the last chance saloon of councilleing and if that was refused or came to nothing I would leave. You'd basically have the same set up now, co parenting but in different postcodes that's about it.

@coachbombay

So your wife has a cleaner

No, it’s the whole family / household that has the cleaner. The Op and his wife and children still live together, they are not separated.

I’m not sure how boasting to the Op how great your sex life is is actually going to help him.

Some responses on here are weird - if a woman was on here complaining about no sex in 4 years all the replies would be ‘LTB’

Could she be having a affair already?

I actually think you're being very reasonable and doing your best in a tricky situation.

However, a fwb probably isn't the way to go. You seem like a decent man and could probably develop feelings for this additional person, or her for you.

I'd raise the subject again and suggest counseling or a marriage retreat. Four years with no sex and no explanation why is a lot to deal with

Do you mean FWB as in an open relationship or do you mean cheat on your wife?

Like pp have mentioned, I think Relate could help you discover whether the relationship can be saved. If not, you’d be better off to leave than look for a fwb.

Has your wife had a check up at the doctor recently? It’s possible (but unlikely) that she could have an underlying problem such as an under active thyroid which causes extreme tiredness and loss of libido.

Slightly off topic so apologies. I also think I might get flamed here but I promise that this is a genuine question. Having read this thread and many like it from both male / female perspectives about feeling exhausted, depressed, unattractive, ‘touched out’, not desiring sex or even being touched by their partner, and feeling that their relationships are only being held together by their children. If people feel like this why do they go on to have more children? If you feel like that after one, why have two, or three, when you’re already feeling these things?

It is a genuine question so please don’t be mean! (For context, I don’t have children yet but these discussions make me want to run a mile!!)

I think you need to have an open and honest conversation with her and lay your cards on the table.
It sounds to me like you've been more than patient, you've been helping and getting up at night and trying to spend time with her.
Four years is a long time to wait with no resolution in sight so if she isn't going to go back to a relationship with sex in it then she has to be fair to you and either let you find a friend with benefits or you need to decide to part. Personally I couldn't be in your situation for four years and I think she's being quite unfair.

My first assumption is that she's lost her body confidence and therefore has no confidence to initiate.

Was it always you initiating? And then you gave up because she didn't seem interested?

As you are no longer initiating she probably feels even worse if she is having self esteem issues.

I can understand why you withdrew though.

Sounds like it's become normal for both of you now but you need to communicate with her OP. Don't let her bury her head in the sand. It will be a difficult conversation (maybe raise it after a little wine) but it could really help things.

I haven't RTFT so this has probably come up already, but how does your wife feel about her body? Is she larger than when you met? Could it be that when she asks you to wait it out a bit longer she's hoping she can lose a few pounds and will then feel sonfident enough for sex?

Similarly, could it be that she feels she isn't 'right' down there following childbirth?

I don't necessarily think she doesnt want sex full stop, but she may be lacking in body confidence which, alongside presumably being knackered almost all the time, doesn't make for a good sex life.

calling it friend with benefits makes it sound much better than a sordid grubby little affair doesn't it op?
This ^^

I definitely suggest counseling first. Then I recommend a romantic getaway weekend/week just the two of you. Somewhere warm and nice where all you have to do is relax, eat, sunbathe etc. without any responsibilities. Perhaps it's what you need to rekindle things.

So you had sex once in 4 years and she got pregnant, ( the 2 year old I assume) oh dear, you can see how that might put someone off, it seems there are only the three options, perhaps variation of what you said, but I guess you need to talk them through with her, I think you have allowed enough time to pass, maybe there are other issues but they need to be talked through. You are so young to be in this situation and so is your wife, but if what your saying is similar to what she would say you do still care for each other still have time for each other and maybe its something you can work on together,

I really feel bad for you, OP, you’ve had some harsh responses! You seem a kind and patient husband who’s at the end of his rope from what I’ve read.

People saying “sex isn’t everything” that may be the case for you or even for the OP’s wife but for him and many people it obviously does matter a lot, why should he have to go without it?

Like others say, speak to your wife, she may be relieved you’ve suggested seeking sex elsewhere if she’s not interested any more. Our society is obsessed with monogamy but it doesn’t always work for everyone.