To want a friend with benefits within a marriage ?

[Dadboddancer]

Totally ready to get flamed here but surely someone feels same as me.

I'm 35. Married man. Got two beautiful children.

Sadly my wife has given up on sex. We have had sex once in 4 years. No other sexual contact.

I realise with young kids sex is going to be less frequent. I also realise there are more pressures on my wife to deliver childcare and run house as I work full time.

I've rearranged my work life to get a day a week with kids and to help with housework and childcare. I've taken sex mentally off the table and focussed on being a caring husband so she feels loved.

Sadly there is just nothing .

I know I'm not perfect. Neither am I s gorgeous lethario. I do however genuinely love my wife. This is tearing me apart.

She tells me things will get better- but how long is reasonable to wait. 3 years ? 5 years ? A lost lifetime.?

To me my options are :

1. accept it and carry on loving my beautiful wife non sexually
2. Tell her I'm leaving and break 2 children's hearts and futures (I think or hopr we are good parents)
3. find a friend with benefits and keep marriage as is

No option is perfect . Has anyone else done this? Does anyone else want this ?

Flame away- but remember id accept a life without sex for my children's benefit. I'm just not sure that's right

@shesabelter yes that is why I suggested focussing on affection and intimacy with the DW. Plus self care for the obvious relief. Nowhere does the OP say she doesn't want a cuddle or a back rub.

OP, when did your DW stop BF and how old are the DC? This is very relevant.

cross posted OP

If you have had sex only once in 4 years and have a 2 year old, then conception occurred that one time, right?

She is afraid of getting pregnant again. And she is exhausted looking after 2 young DC and working. Give her time. This isn't abnormal.

How would she feel knowing you were thinking of having a sexual affair? Utterly betrayed I imagine.

Start putting your DW and DC before your penis.

You sound a good husband. I'd be unprepared to stay in a marriage under these circumstances either, and would probably be considering all the options you've suggested. If your child had been six months old, you'd be an utterly selfish creep. But it's been four years. To expect to carry on like this indefinitely isn't reasonable or healthy for anyone concerned.

The key here is the lack of communication. If you're able to have an honest conversation with her and try couples counselling or another solution, the marriage might be salvageable. Otherwise, I'm afraid for me it would be option 2.

Is she maybe got a FWB? She's not breastfed in 18mths, has a cleaner, you do nights; think she's avoiding the topic. If you've stayed all this time she probably thinks there's no need to bother, her life is pretty comfy.

I think that this is far more common than people let on.

I couldn't face sex when the DC's were small. I get the whole "children touching you all day, just need space when they're asleep" thing. We did have some sex, but I really didn't get into it, and DH knew which was no fun.

I actually wouldn't have minded if he'd got some discretely elsewhere, but I was stupidly jealous that he had a social life and I didn't. And I was nervous that he'd think the grass was greener elsewhere, with no responsibilities.

Promise you, 10 years on, I am the one desperate for it. I've got my mojo back, he can't be bothered. He actually suggested he'd be happy if I did have a discrete fling. I nearly did, but bottled it.

I love him to bits, but I totally get why people have affairs or open marriages.

Think the people giving the OP a hard time and saying he needs to put the family before his penis are a bit ridiculous. I mean, it’s been 4 years and they haven’t mutually agreed that this is what they want. He hasn’t done anything wrong and is asking for advice before he does something he doesn’t want to. So how about being supportive instead.

Once in 4 years is a pisstake.She has to take some responsability.

You sound like you do your bit.Theres no way i would be able to stay in a sexless marriage,its not fair on you.

Maybe talk to your actual wife about it? Tell her the lack of sex and intimacy is leading you down the path of considering options B and C. Ask her about her thoughts on the matter and what she'd need from you to change the situation. Maybe counseling could help.

I also didn’t want sex for a long time after my first was born, and when dc2 and 3 were conceived, I think that we only had sex once a year for about 3 years running.

However once the youngest had turned 3 and had a bit of independence my libido returned and now our sex life is amazing, possibly even better than before we had kids.

I am really grateful that my lovely dh waited patiently and supportively during that time. Having young kids is just bloody hard work and it’s difficult to think about sex when you’re so knackered all the time.

Speak to your wife, maybe she's depressed. She's probably scared to try again after so long. Do your kids sleep in their own beds? Does your wife have time away from the kids - nights out with friends? She maybe feels suffocated by the constant contact from the kids or feels unattractive herself. Does she feel like this is an issue she would like to resolve?

In your situation, FWB would not work. The F would be infintely more interesting than the poor wife who is doing all the household drudgery and remaining uninterested and you would be infintely less interested as you could have fun elsewhere rather than going home. Choose 1 or 2.

Is she possible depressed? I know when I've been depressed my libido has plummeted.

But I think you and her need to have an honest conversation about the fact you are frustrated about the lack of intimacy in your marriage, and admit to her you don't feel you can go on much longer in a platonic marriage.

4 Years!!!! Are you sure she doesn't have a Friend with benefits? I'm guessing that one time in 4 years, you conceived your 2 year old?

You need to tell her how you're feeling! I'd feel so unwanted, unattractive an unloved if my partner didn't want to have sex with me.

Don't bother going down the route of an affair! It will get messy & you're likely to get caught causing a lot pain. Either fix it with your wife, or walk! Children always come first I agree, but not when they are just the glue holding a relationship together.

Mate, do you think you're the only parent in the country who works full time? It's not an excuse for you to fail to pull your weight. Stop trying to use it as one.

You don't "help" with housework or childcare; it is your joint responsibility and you are not meeting your obligations.

I also realise there are more pressures on my wife to deliver childcare and run house as I work full time.

I've taken sex mentally off the table and focussed on being a caring husband so she feels loved.

These two statements are incompatible. If you loved her you wouldn't be shirking your responsibilities and you wouldn't be labouring your bullshit excuse about how you work full time. You're lazy and entitled. At least be honest about it.

i think you both need to go to a relate counseller together asap, you cant continue like this.

Some of these replies are unnecessarily harsh towards the OP. He is not being selfish. He wants to be intimate with his wife. What's wrong with that?
And to the poster who suggested he should just wank, that's totally missing the point. Within a relationship, sex is an expression of love and affection. It makes the relationship more than a friendship. A wank bears no comparison.
OP - I think you need to have a frank discussion with your wife to tell her how the lack of sex is making you feel. And she needs to understand that she cannot realistically expect the marriage to continue as it is. Either she seeks help to rekindle her libido or accepts the FWB option. She can't have it both ways.
I really feel for you OP. You've been pushed into a corner. She's forced celibacy onto you leaving you with some pretty crappy options: leave a marriage you don't want to leave (let alone the DC), live enforced celibacy or take on a FWB. Outwardly two of those options make you seem like the bad guy when really you're not. She needs a wake up call. I've seen this so many times. Wife doesn't want sex. DH leaves or has affair. Wife enraged. Seriously!
Oh and please, I'm sick of hearing how exhausting having young kids is.

Sorry, she just doesn't fancy you.

Personally i think it sounds like he could do all the housework and childcare and she'd still feel the same.

Housework isn't some sort of aphrodisiac ffs.

I'd say the same thing to a male or female poster in this position. I think if the other person is unwilling to improve the situation and tackle the problem, then end the relationship.

Macaroni46
Agree, this 'oh it's sooo hard having kid' sick of it
This guy is pretty good; he does nights, full day, missus has a cleaner; she's hardly a single mum juggling kids and 2 jobs with no help. I'm thinking she's shagging the gardener!

What @PtahNeith said

DH, is that you?

Okay, it's been more than that here, but only because we had a month last year after I had stopped bf DC2 where my libido reappeared, but then the reality of the endless domestic drudgery, demands of two small people and the crushing mental load came crashing back down and I didn't feel like it anymore.

Things that would help in our house - not being the only person ever thinking about maknig sure the children are clean, and clothed, and school bags packed and dishwasher put on. Being given the occasional compliment. Being made to feel like I matter, and that I'm not the bottom of the heap in our family. A lie-in where I don't come down to discover none of the usual morning stuff has been done, to be able to spend time on my self and my interests without having to micro-manage everyone else to make time for it.

If DH decided he'd rather shag someone else than give any of that a try, that would be his decision. But it would be the last decision he would make as my DH.

Hi OP

Sorry you're getting a hard time. It sounds like you're doing all you can. You've not said how much she does vs what you do at home. If she has the kids when she's not working then it's pretty hard to get chores done so ideally they should be split 50 50

But 4 years is a long time. Have you tried to be intimate without the expectation of sex, like offering her a massage and leaving it there or kissing and cuddling when snuggled on the sofa without it leading to sex? Even just holding hands. That might take the pressure off a bit. I'd try this for a while but reassure her you're not trying to persuade her to have sex. You both might feel differently when there is a bit more intimacy back. Me and my husband were heading that way and had a chat, I think we both saw things differently - he feels more like being intimate with me when we've been having more sex and I feel more like having sex when he is more loving and intimate with me, so we'd reached a kind of stalemate. It's hard but we're both trying to make more effort.

Do you ever get time just the two of you without kids and responsibilities?

Has she said she will do anything to try and address the issue?

Does she have any body confidence issues?

My DH could have written this. I’m ok with him going elsewhere and even leaving but he steadfastly refuses. I had terrible birth injuries (dual incontinence for months, over 100 stitches as everything had to be repaired, nerve damage etc) and now have a chronic auto immune disease. I think he is worried people will think badly of him for leaving me but I’m fine with it. I love him but it’s not fair for him to give up sex which I will never have again with anyone. Be honest with your DW and talk it out. It’s been 7 year of this for us. I feel very sorry for you OP.