To want a friend with benefits within a marriage ?

[Dadboddancer]

Totally ready to get flamed here but surely someone feels same as me.

I'm 35. Married man. Got two beautiful children.

Sadly my wife has given up on sex. We have had sex once in 4 years. No other sexual contact.

I realise with young kids sex is going to be less frequent. I also realise there are more pressures on my wife to deliver childcare and run house as I work full time.

I've rearranged my work life to get a day a week with kids and to help with housework and childcare. I've taken sex mentally off the table and focussed on being a caring husband so she feels loved.

Sadly there is just nothing .

I know I'm not perfect. Neither am I s gorgeous lethario. I do however genuinely love my wife. This is tearing me apart.

She tells me things will get better- but how long is reasonable to wait. 3 years ? 5 years ? A lost lifetime.?

To me my options are :

1. accept it and carry on loving my beautiful wife non sexually
2. Tell her I'm leaving and break 2 children's hearts and futures (I think or hopr we are good parents)
3. find a friend with benefits and keep marriage as is

No option is perfect . Has anyone else done this? Does anyone else want this ?

Flame away- but remember id accept a life without sex for my children's benefit. I'm just not sure that's right

"No one should be allowed to force celibacy on anyone else."

Can you expand on this? I'm not sure I know what this means.

Usual wanky double standard responses on here.
OP it sounds so very hard for you. Some posters have given really good advice so please listen to them rather than the coven of cunts who seem to lay in wait for blokes to post intimacy related posts ready to pounce.
It would be a huge deal breaker for me. If this continues indefinitely I cannot see your marriage surviving based on what you have said. Question is do you wait it out and hope it gets better or cut your losses. I am not sure FWB is the way forward and can only see this potentially ending your marriage to,

You sound very understanding and your home set up seems to be equitable.

4 years is a long time. I think it's ok to (and you should) have an honest conversation with her about it. It's unfair of her to expect to to wait forever. Intimacy is an important part of a marriage.

She obviously means that someone shouldn't feel obliged to stay in marriage when the other marriage partner has said sex will no longer be happening.

No one has to have sex if they don't want to but likewise if one partner says sex will no longer be a feature of the marriage the other partner is well within their rights to walk away. You can't act scandalised at the idea of someone having extra marital sex if you don't give two figs about actual marital sex

This makes sense to me

Can you expand on this? I'm not sure I know what this means.

That if you just dont want sex, refuse to tackle or work on the issue you should expect the other person to decide to walk away.

Sex within a monogamous marriage, includes 2 people. If one just stops wanting it, the other person is also celibate, even though they aren't happy. They are forced to be celibate.

If you want to celibate, go ahead. But you dont get to force it on someone else and say 'tough shit, we are married and you cant walk away'

I don't understand the people who think 'sexless marriage = cool' but 'cheating = worst thing in the world'.

It's simple really. A sexless marriage is something that both partners are aware of and have the choice whether to stay in it or end it.

Cheating is where only one of them knows they are shagging someone else which means they are lying to their partner and not giving them the choice of ending the relationship.

"She obviously means that someone shouldn't feel obliged to stay in marriage when the other marriage partner has said sex will no longer be happening."

Really? It doesn't read like that at all.

How does it read then?

Really? It doesn't read like that at all.

Well if you want to be arsed the rest of the post, it's pretty clear.

Rather than just a bit that someone cut and pasted, so they could claim I said it would be ok to rape someone.

Ignore her. She's another bore who sneered at the OP.

I did read your post to double check and it wasn't clear, your latest post (not the one from your representative/spokesperson) has cleared it up, it was clumsily worded in the first place tbf but now I get where you're coming from and do agree.

And yes I did sneer at the op for not calling it what it is, an affair/cheating. I make no apologies for not supporting someone wanting to justify having an affair instead of tackling the problem.

I make no apologies for not supporting someone wanting to justify having an affair instead of tackling the problem

Your partner refuses to have sex with you for 4 years. Probably gone beyond trying to 'tackle the problem' dont you think. What would YOU do if you were the OP? Perhaps you should be advising the OP to leave the marriage.

If you loved her, you'd settle for your hand instead of wanting a different woman

it was clumsily worded in the first place tbf but now I get where you're coming from and do agree.

No....you miss understood it. It wasnt clumsily posted at all. It exactly what it is. You can not force celibacy on someone else. Just because in your head, that equals rape....that's not my problem.

If your marriage is sexless, there are loads of different options other than rape. It's not my fault, that's where your mind goes.

It's very clear which posters have a low sex drive, isn't it? What's the point of saying that if your Partner didn't want sex, then that's okay? It may be okay if your own sex drive is really low. If it's normal or high, then going without sex isn't a viable option.

I'm flabbergasted that a 35 year old man, hasn't had sex since he was 31, and he's still hanging on in there. I'd feel like a caged animal, and quite frankly I would not feel any connection to my DH any more, and I doubt I'd be feeling very loyal either.

The reason that I don't flirt, or do anything inappropriate with other men, is because my DH keeps me tethered to him, by regular affection, intimacy and sex. If he was disengaged, disinterested, and hadn't touched me for 4 years, I'd feel no connection and yes, I would be leaving him/looking elsewhere.

settle for your hand both disgusting and not the same thing at all.

your latest post (not the one from your representative/spokesperson) has cleared it up

Are you friartucks rep/ spokesperson then?

I don't have a rep or spokesperson, however there are people who read what I wrote and understood it and replied to you. Because, you know, it's a public forum and they are allowed to agree with me or discuss what you have said.

If you loved her, you'd settle for your hand instead of wanting a different woman

Oh please! Grow up.

@Elizabeth What a nasty post......laying 100% of the blame at the feet of the OP.

Well, yes, I didn't understand what you meant by people shouldn't be allowed to force celibacy on to someone, hence asking what you meant :)

Not sure why you're talking about rape, if that's in your head then as you say, that's not my fault.

Not sure why you're talking about rape, if that's in your head then as you say, that's not my fault

So how did it read to you then?

No, I'm not friartucks rep, I haven't answered on their behalf?

And yes I did sneer at the op for not calling it what it is, an affair/cheating. I make no apologies for not supporting someone wanting to justify having an affair instead of tackling the problem.

I'm not surprised you make no apologies. Sneering and misrepresenting people's posts seem to be your sport.