To want a friend with benefits within a marriage ?

[Dadboddancer]

Totally ready to get flamed here but surely someone feels same as me.

I'm 35. Married man. Got two beautiful children.

Sadly my wife has given up on sex. We have had sex once in 4 years. No other sexual contact.

I realise with young kids sex is going to be less frequent. I also realise there are more pressures on my wife to deliver childcare and run house as I work full time.

I've rearranged my work life to get a day a week with kids and to help with housework and childcare. I've taken sex mentally off the table and focussed on being a caring husband so she feels loved.

Sadly there is just nothing .

I know I'm not perfect. Neither am I s gorgeous lethario. I do however genuinely love my wife. This is tearing me apart.

She tells me things will get better- but how long is reasonable to wait. 3 years ? 5 years ? A lost lifetime.?

To me my options are :

1. accept it and carry on loving my beautiful wife non sexually
2. Tell her I'm leaving and break 2 children's hearts and futures (I think or hopr we are good parents)
3. find a friend with benefits and keep marriage as is

No option is perfect . Has anyone else done this? Does anyone else want this ?

Flame away- but remember id accept a life without sex for my children's benefit. I'm just not sure that's right

I feel your pain man, I'm in the same position with my wife going off sex only we have been married for 34.years. I support my wife all i can and never ever pester her and would never do anything to upset her. on this site you will get burned because your a man. but its ok if your a woman with needs ha ha. I also tried to find advise on here what a mistake. your dammed if you do and dammed if you don't! I sometimes feel so frustrated i don't want to be here. good luck pal.

I don't know, but it didn't read how the pp interpreted it. That's why I asked?

But as I say, your other post clarified it and I completely agree.

because no good, devoted husband seriously considers taking a lover because his wife's sex drive hasn't recovered to his satisfaction

I think you'll find that this is the main cause of men having affairs and leaving wives. Happens every single day.

People who ignore their Partners sexually, and focus solely on the kids, shouldn't be surprised when their other half gets their head turned by someone at work, who is sexy and paying them attention. It's not rocket science. But usually the person who has withdrawn sex, is shocked when the other person walks. By then it's far too late.

@dadboddancer

There's a food that puts women off sex. It's called wedding cake. Seriously, I don't like the idea of a bit on the side. Better to try some counselling to get it resolved, I would have thought.

There's a food that puts women off sex. It's called wedding cake.

How very amuzzzzzzzzzzing.

So you conceived your youngest that one time you've had sex in 4 years?

It's not great and I'd suggest a trip to the doctor for your wife if everything else in your relationship is rosy as you've said it is. If not, then marriage counselling.

I truly believe ending a marriage should be an absolute last resort when children are involved but that requires effort from both sides. I didn't want to have sex at all after the birth of our ds, I had a traumatic birth and I still don't enjoy sex 2.5 years on. I do however still have sex with my husband because he enjoys it. I've found the more we have sex then the more I'm willing to have sex, we're ttc again now actually so very regular again now.

What would happen if one spouse was physically unable to have sex anymore?

In such a case the couple could still find ways of being intimate and giving the other pleasure provided the incapable partner wanted to
One spouse completely paralysed

That has to be the mintest, likely, common scenario I've ever read, bravo man 😁

If I become paralysed I would tell my husband to leave me or find a FWB and visa versa. HTH.

Quintella, I didn't misrepresent anything, I asked for clarification. Which I got AND I AGREE WITH.

So now all you're left with is trying to bust my balls for 'sneering' at a bloke wanting an affair.

Meandmetoo at least have the good grace to admit. You said it wasn't how it read to you.....but don't want to say how it actually read to you.

You just wanted to be an arse and hate that other people read it exactly how it was meant.

If you agree, why sneer at the OP? At least have some conviction when it comes to your opinion.

Meandmetoo you tried to twist her post. Now you're getting defensive. Hey ho.

Why sneer at a man wanting a fwb on the side? Gee, I have no idea.

I genuinely didn't know what was meant, I didn't understand your point, i knew it wouldn't be about rape, so i asked and you clarified, and I agree.

I never give two shiny shits how people read others posts, if I don't understand someone's point, I ask, I don't get embarassed or hate it if everyone else appears to understand it. I'm not 9 years old!

You didn't say you didn't get it.

You said it's not how it read to you

So it read differently to you....but you dint want to say how it read differently to you?

Perhaps it's just that your wording was clumsy?

Love how the rude and unhelpful posters chip in to spout crap then do a runner

God OP 4 years really is a long time and life is too short to stay in a sexless marriage. I've been married 11 years and we have 2 DC age10. My libido has definitely plummeted however I can't imagine going that long without the physical connection that I only get from him.

Marriage is a sexual relationship not a friendship relationship.

\\ this is so true.

I agree that you need to talk and she owes you some honesty here. Couples counselling is definitely worth a go if you feel the love is still there.

I really hope you get to an outcome that can help you all move on

I literally meant what I said, it didn't read that way to me. Wasn't sure what was meant by it so I asked and agreed with you.

What would happen if one spouse was physically unable to have sex anymore?

FFS. This is ALWAYS trotted out without fail.

But if you agree why sneer at the OP?

He is being forced into being celibate. You agree that's not ok. He doesnt want to end his marriage. It's a bad idea, but why not tell him that? When one person put the other in a 'be miserable or divorce' situation, you come up with all sorts of stupid plans if you dont want to divorce.

As I said saying 'it's not how it reads to me' suggests it read another way to you. But you dont want to admit it now.

Which is shame. As I said maybe "its not how it read to me" was just badly worded

Friartuck the leap to rape is ridiculous and you know it. Any quite frankly pretty disrespectful.

As explained already, I sneered at the op wanting to cheat. Are you saying you agree with him, he should cheat?

Please believe me, if I thought you were referring to rape, I'd have said. I dont know you, you're not my friend, why wouldn't I just say as the other poster did?

BUT to clarify, I agree that he shouldn't have to stay, not that hes being forced into celibacy, he's not.

And "that's now how it reads to me" did just mean that in this case. Nothing more than that :)

Ok, that's not what "that's not how it reads to me" means. But you just keep on down that path.

As explained already, I sneered at the op wanting to cheat. Are you saying you agree with him, he should cheat?

If you bothered to read my first post, like you claimed to have done, I advised to not cheat.

That's also the same post, where it makes my opinion very very clear.

You think I said it in a "well.....THATS now how it reads to ME....."

When I explained I meant it as "that's not how it reads to me" as in "I didn't get that from tennessee's post"

So I didnt know what you meant and you clarified. You've misunderstood something I've said and I've clarified.

Maybe she just doesnt fancy you anymore?

I say that because basically I am your wife. Very similar situation, kids that age etc. Knackered from work, the kids and all the humdrum.

I don't fancy my dh and won't ever want to have sex with him again.

It's easier to say, just get divorced. Things aren't always that simple.

I don't have a solution, OP, just the opposite perspective.

It's good to get the other side of the coin. Is your DH resigned to the fact Surge and accept it, or is he living in hope? Maybe you're right and the OP's wife has no sexual interest in him anymore rather than no interest in sex full stop. That's why awkward but really honest conversations are needed.

So I didnt know what you meant and you clarified. You've misunderstood something I've said and I've clarified.

No sounds like your wording was clumsy.

I don't fancy my dh and won't ever want to have sex with him again.

And you have told him this?

Maybe it was clumsy, it's easily done with the written word. I didn't think it was but you didn't understand what I meant so I explained, as did you :) (Genuine smiley, not a shite pa one)