To want a friend with benefits within a marriage ?

[Dadboddancer]

Totally ready to get flamed here but surely someone feels same as me.

I'm 35. Married man. Got two beautiful children.

Sadly my wife has given up on sex. We have had sex once in 4 years. No other sexual contact.

I realise with young kids sex is going to be less frequent. I also realise there are more pressures on my wife to deliver childcare and run house as I work full time.

I've rearranged my work life to get a day a week with kids and to help with housework and childcare. I've taken sex mentally off the table and focussed on being a caring husband so she feels loved.

Sadly there is just nothing .

I know I'm not perfect. Neither am I s gorgeous lethario. I do however genuinely love my wife. This is tearing me apart.

She tells me things will get better- but how long is reasonable to wait. 3 years ? 5 years ? A lost lifetime.?

To me my options are :

1. accept it and carry on loving my beautiful wife non sexually
2. Tell her I'm leaving and break 2 children's hearts and futures (I think or hopr we are good parents)
3. find a friend with benefits and keep marriage as is

No option is perfect . Has anyone else done this? Does anyone else want this ?

Flame away- but remember id accept a life without sex for my children's benefit. I'm just not sure that's right

She said her libido died after children and breast feeding and it will get better.

^But it hasn’t got better and she has done nothing. I couldn’t live like you.

I sympathise, but I don't think having sex with another woman is the solution here OP. Your wife is very likely at her lowest ebb (from what it sounds) and quite possibly feeling unattractive, fat, tired, old, frumpy and depressed. Even broaching the subject of you going elsewhere for sex could break her heart, squish what's left of her self esteem, and really make things so much worse, forcing the end of the marriage anyway.

I do sympathise with your position but I just don't think raising a FWB is going to help at all, unless you think the marriage is over, and even then it's hurtful.

Have you come across Esther Perel? She's an amazing sex therapist who specialises in this very subject. Her TED talks are short and inspiring. I recommend you watch.

I would agree with others that you need a frank (but kind) conversation (NOT mentioning FWB idea) about your sex life and future. Then I agree you should seek couples counselling with Relate.

Alongside that, is there any possibility your wife could somehow have a bit more time away from the kids each week? Eg a full day for herself?

Also, have you arranged things to treat you both to have time together? Eg babysitters, date nights, night away, day out without the kids, and extra pampering for her?

Not a popular view on Mumsnet but in my opinion lack of sex is not reason to end a marriage or break your vow to be faithful. Have a full and frank discussion with her and try marriage counselling.

Not a popular view on Mumsnet but in my opinion lack of sex is not reason to end a marriage or break your vow to be faithful. Have a full and frank discussion with her and try marriage counselling

Well I agree with the last part of your post bit lack of sex and intamacy is right there at the top of good reasons to end a marriage. I wouldn't tolorate it for years on end with no effort put in. It's selfish to force this on your partner.

I think the marriage ceremony would contradict you bath
Money and or sex is the main cause of relationship breakdown

There's more to it than housework and childcare. How much of the mental load and 'wife work' do you actually do? Do you keep track of your own families birthdays, look for their christmas presents yourself, actively engage with childcare facilities so your wife can go to work and not have to worry it won't get done? Do you see you've run out of X grocery and either go and get it or put it actually ON the shopping list? Or do you tell your wife to put it on the shopping list? Do you do bedtimes/bath times for the kids so your wife has more than just half a day to herself? Does she ever get to sit down in the evening and just read a book or is she too busy constantly meal planning, putting together bags for the next day's childcare, trying to remember whose birthday is next? If the answer is yes that your wife does all of those things, then I don't blame her for not satisfying your sexual needs when she does so much other stuff for you and your children.

Pick up some of the mental load and ask if she will visit a relationship counsellor with you. Don't be selfish and don't be gross by going out and shagging someone else.

Is she on any birth control? This can also effect libido.

Has she been to the GP for advice?

Would you both consider couples counselling?

I think there are many options to consider before the ones you've suggested.

*affect

No sex for 4 years would be a total deal-breaker for me.
If you want to save this you need to have a very serious chat with your DW.
She needs to understand that you are at this point and you both need to fix this.
Couples counselling might help her open up a bit.
Counselling on her own might help too.
Sex therapy?
Or talk about having an open relationship.
You can't continue like this.
It's soul destroying.

Not a popular view on Mumsnet but in my opinion lack of sex is not reason to end a marriage or break your vow to be faithful. Have a full and frank discussion with her and try marriage counselling.
This ^^. Have they changed the vows to read 'until death do us part or until my spouse stops giving me sex whenever I want it'? What would happen if one spouse was physically unable to have sex anymore? Can you cheat on them then? Do their feelings not matter because of your need for a shag? Or if you couldn't get it up anymore would you be just fine with your wife cheating on you because after all, it's her right to have sex don't you know?!

She said her libido died after children and breast feeding and it will get better.

What is she doing to make this happen? It isn't going to magically reappear. Your wife needs to be pro active about this and if she isn't willing, then you need to consider walking away. You definitely need a frank discussion about this and probably counselling. I think as you have put up with it patiently for so long, your wife now thinks it is not important.

FFS, a spouse takes sex off the marital table for four fucking years and some people think their partner should just smile and accept it? Removing sex from the marriage like that is as bad as cheating imo. Death by a thousand cuts rather than one sudden body blow.

She can not expect you to continue like this.

No one should be allowed to force celibacy on anyone else.

That said.........having sex behind your wife's back is not the way to go or the way to solve this.

If you go down this route your wife should be told. She then has a choice. Divorce, work at it or accept an open marriage.

I feel your pain OP. It's been 4 and a bit years for me, and to be honest I just don't know what to do. Even before that it was only ever on my wife's terms and always more of a 'process' with the aim of conceiving rather than anything close to romance - once every couple of months, when she thought the timing was right, no real effort on her part tbh. Certainly not intimate or romantic. I even told her I just felt like a sperm donor but it didn't change anything.

Always some reason - too tired from the children or some deflection as to why I'm responsible. And it's killed part of me inside.

Not a popular view on Mumsnet but in my opinion lack of sex is not reason to end a marriage or break your vow to be faithful. Have a full and frank discussion with her and try marriage counselling.

I completely agree. This is 100% NOT a reason to end a marriage, but equally you can't just let it lie. You need to have a frank discussion with your wife, who may just be hoping it will all just go away, or doesn't know how to start things up again.

Sex therapy might help - the "homework" is based around baby steps, as I understand it, and that might be less intimidating for all concerned than HUZZAH! WE SHALL FUCK LIKE ANIMALS TONIGHT!!! after 4 years of nothing. Cuddling, snogging, touching, building up to making out etc. A bottle of wine might help things along too!

But for any of this you have to talk.

And no, Tinder is not the solution. It is grossly disrespectful and you know it. THAT is a legit reason to end a marriage, not lack of sex.

Why is lack of sex over a number of years not a legit reason to end a marriage? I don't understand the people who think 'sexless marriage = cool' but 'cheating = worst thing in the world'.

What would happen if one spouse was physically unable to have sex anymore? Can you cheat on them then? Do their feelings not matter because of your need for a shag? Or if you couldn't get it up anymore would you be just fine with your wife cheating on you because after all, it's her right to have sex don't you know?!

In such a case the couple could still find ways of being intimate and giving the other pleasure provided the incapable partner wanted to.
And that’s the issue, it’s about rejection as much as the lack of sex. How are you supposed to live with a person you love and find attractive when they don’t fancy you?

I don’t think for one moment that if the OP had been a woman whose husband had not wanted to have sex with her for four years she would be told to just grin and bear it. Not for one moment.

Op has she body confidence issues? Womens bodies change a lot during pregnancy .. and if she had a traumatic birth or even a c- section it can affect your intimate life ..

Maybe you could start dating her again?

No one should be allowed to force celibacy on anyone else.
But you can force sex on them? I'm sorry, I thought that was rape. Just as having sex with someone else is adultery regardless of what cute term you give it.

It wouldn't really be fair on the FWB either, would it? And it could get complicated, emotions could get out of control. It's not worth risking it, tbh.

In such a case the couple could still find ways of being intimate and giving the other pleasure provided the incapable partner wanted to.
One spouse completely paralysed?

No one should be allowed to force celibacy on anyone else.
But you can force sex on them? I'm sorry, I thought that was rape.

What? No one has said the OP should force his wife to have sex.

But you can force sex on them? I'm sorry, I thought that was rape. Just as having sex with someone else is adultery regardless of what cute term you give it.

What the actual fuck? Is that what I said? No it's not. You thought pattern is disgusting. I say that as someone who left her husband after she was raped by him. So you can fuck right off.

There are other solutions than celibacy or rape. If you cant use you brain to think what they maybe and jump straight to rape, then there is something very wrong

In such a case the couple could still find ways of being intimate and giving the other pleasure provided the incapable partner wanted to.
One spouse completely paralysed?

The point is the paralysed spouse in that case would not be rejecting their partner would they.

But you can force sex on them? I'm sorry, I thought that was rape. Just as having sex with someone else is adultery regardless of what cute term you give it.

No one is saying that, as well you bloody know. No one has to have sex if they don't want to but likewise if one partner says sex will no longer be a feature of the marriage the other partner is well within their rights to walk away. You can't act scandalised at the idea of someone having extra marital sex if you don't give two figs about actual marital sex.