To want a friend with benefits within a marriage ?

[Dadboddancer]

Totally ready to get flamed here but surely someone feels same as me.

I'm 35. Married man. Got two beautiful children.

Sadly my wife has given up on sex. We have had sex once in 4 years. No other sexual contact.

I realise with young kids sex is going to be less frequent. I also realise there are more pressures on my wife to deliver childcare and run house as I work full time.

I've rearranged my work life to get a day a week with kids and to help with housework and childcare. I've taken sex mentally off the table and focussed on being a caring husband so she feels loved.

Sadly there is just nothing .

I know I'm not perfect. Neither am I s gorgeous lethario. I do however genuinely love my wife. This is tearing me apart.

She tells me things will get better- but how long is reasonable to wait. 3 years ? 5 years ? A lost lifetime.?

To me my options are :

1. accept it and carry on loving my beautiful wife non sexually
2. Tell her I'm leaving and break 2 children's hearts and futures (I think or hopr we are good parents)
3. find a friend with benefits and keep marriage as is

No option is perfect . Has anyone else done this? Does anyone else want this ?

Flame away- but remember id accept a life without sex for my children's benefit. I'm just not sure that's right

Sex just once in FOUR years? That's a fucking joke. Only on Mumsnet would a guy get a flaming for moaning about this. The guy is always in the wrong here.

I remember what it was like to have toddlers. I only had 19 months between my two. The longest we ever went without sex was 2 months, and that was a one off.

There is something seriously amiss here. And it's entirely unreasonable for her to bury her head in the sand.

In your shoes, I'd be telling her that she needs to see the GP and get this sorted, or the marriage is over.

Is it even cheating, if you aren't having sex with your spouse? It's not like you're shagging 2 people at the same time. She has relegated you to provider only.

For context, I'm 49 and me and DH have sex at least 3 times a week. If my DH didn't touch me for 6 months, I'd be gone, let alone FOUR years.

Could it be linked to body confidence? Women's bodies change having children and some more than others. Some women loose confidence in their bodies after children.

I only ask as a good friend of mine had exactly this issue. To everyone she was the same beautiful woman with a figure to die for but to her she had become less attractive and withdrew as a result. In time she went back to believing in herself. She eventually had treatment and improved her image of herself.

Could there be that in your wife now?

I can only suggest that you have a full and frank discussion with your wife and seek marriage guidance counselling if needs be, depending on the outcome of the discussion.

Certainly this situation should not continue in silence, because one of you is unhappy and that is not fair on you.

Best of luck OP, I hope it can be worked out for you both.

Think Cuddlysnowleopard has it spot on with how common this is, and how long it can take to change.Was not far off ten years until pre-children libido returned.
I am more than lucky that my DH, after a few disbelieving moments, was happy to reciprocate.
FWB would have ended our marriage if it had even been discussed but I get how you are feeling OP, and the wait may be to long for you...

I think FWB is the solution, just make sure your wife never finds out. Maybe she will want sex in the future maybe she wont but keeping a loving relationship together must be the priority for the kids.

I'd've thought counselling (together) would be a good place to start? A much better place than a FWB, anyway, if you're serious about wanting to stay together if the lack of sex is the only problem.

I am wondering if she has put on weight with the DC and feels really uncomfortable about being intimate again. Does she let you see her naked ? Am not a perv honestly just trying to help .

Any FWB situation would be cheating unless your wife knows about it and fully agrees without any type of coercion on your part. Her lack of agreeing to sex in no way justifies cheating. And don't use 'breaking' your children's hearts/futures as an excuse to cheat so you can take the easy way out of maintaining the status quo whilst seeking satisfaction elsewhere. That would be despicable.

You don't have to live in a sexless marriage. It is normal and correct to believe that mutually agreed upon and enjoyable sex is part of a good marriage. The only thing you can do is sit her down and say that you are no longer willing to live in a marriage without sexual intimacy. Ask her if she'd be willing to go to joint counseling to see if there is a way to solve this impasse. If she says no, then you need to leave unless you are going to be content with being celibate the rest of your life.

If you do decide to leave, you are not going to 'break' your children's futures. Yes, there will be a period of adjustment, but they will be fine.

As PP has said, you've had sex once in 4 years and that resulted in a pregnancy. She could be afraid of getting pregnant again, do you want more kids? Would a vasectomy be an option?

if you're serious about wanting to stay together if the lack of sex is the only problem

I'm sorry, but this is a HUGE problem in itself. Even if everything else is great, to not be having any type of sex with your spouse is a deal breaker, in my book. They are merely flatmates at this point.

How can you even watch a sex scene on telly, without wanting to smash your own head in?

I wouldn't stay in a marriage without sex unless there was a medical reason. You have a cleaner, she only works part time, you get up in the night. Having small children, working part time and doing some housework doesn't mean you're too tired for sex. I think she's making excuses and she doesn't fancy you anymore. You've got to tell her you don't want to be a marriage like this any more. Don't have a fwb. That's a nasty thing to do.

Unfortunately OP, people always tell men who post here about this issue that they are selfish and don't do enough housework and that is why their wives don't want sex with them.

Four years and only sex once would be it for me, especially if my husband wasn't open to talking about it and trying to fix it.

I know what it is like to lose your sex drive but I wouldn't expect my husband to stick around if he wasn't getting sex for years.

I would tell her that you need to go to counselling or the marriage is over personally.

@HuskyLover in this case i would say its spot on.Its down to her.How much longer does she expect you to wait.No sexual contact for 4 years is just not on.You cant go on like this.It must be knocking your confidence.

At the end of the day,we have all been there.But 4 years its just not on.Your dw needs to do something herself.She has to decide whether she wants sex with you.I she doesnt,she has to be honest.And let yu find someone else.

If she's only working PT, she gets half a day to herself child free every week, she's not doing any night wake ups and you have a cleaner then I'm sorry but this isn't about the "pressure" of "delivering childcare and running the house". It just isn't.

Your wife needs to be honest about what's really going on here. Is it body confidence issues? Is she depressed? Does she just not fancy you anymore? Until you know what the real problem is you can't know if it's something that can be fixed. Then you need to ascertain if she is actually motivated to fix it or if she's happy with how things are. If it's the former then couples counseling is a good starting point. If it's the latter then at least you know, which has to be better than wondering and hoping.

You need to be honest with her too. You need to tell her that the lack of intimacy has become so problematic for you that you've thought about ending the marriage. Having an illicit affair isn't the solution here if you really do love her and are as devoted to your DC as you claim- it would cause untold heartbreak if discovered, which is likely. If your wife agrees for you to pursue sex outside the marriage then that's different, as long as she is genuinely agreeable and not just agreeing because she's been guilt tripped or given an ultimatum.

As PP has said, you've had sex once in 4 years and that resulted in a pregnancy. She could be afraid of getting pregnant again

Don't you think she would have communicated that fear if that is why she doesn't want sex? There are solutions to that so I am sure she would have mentioned it instead of not saying anything about it for four years.

Here OP, have some . Now you can eat it.
That is what you want isn't it

One of the mothers at our old school was a sex therapist and she was busy all the time. I think it's quite a common problem - you can quite easily get out to the habit of having sex and then it becomes chronic.

I think it's worth trying to get someone to help you (apparently this mother is very good and if you live near Beaconsfield PM me and I'll send you her contact details).

The kids are 2 and 4? She is absolutely touched out. Those kids are likely touching her and climbing on her hundreds of times a day. I only had one and that phase was hard enough.

I do think counseling and patience is your best bet. It likely will get better when the kids aren’t at such clingy ages.

Open up the marriage for both of you

Perhaps your wife wants sex as much as you do....just not with you

It has to work both ways. Tell her you are seeking sex elsewhere and she is free to do the same if she wishes. Complete transparency. How does that sit with you ? Or are only you allowed to fuck around ?

I’m sorry if this has been answered but does your wife know you’ve taken sex off the menu. Seek counselling - I did. It’s working. Been a couple of months and penetration is still off the menu but we’re doing well at snogging and playing.

@MrsRhubarb ❤️

DorothyZbornak

How is he having his cake and eating it, when there is no fucking cake at home?

Anyfucker you honestly think the wife wants sex? No she doesn't. Why oh why are some women on here, so hard on men? The poor bastard hasn't had sex in 4 years. He deserves a medal for sticking with it.

You need to sit down and have an open and possibly uncomfortable conversation. You can't carry on pretending the big sex shaped elephant in the room doesn't exist. Time for some couples' counselling before opting for a more drastic solution.

4 years is actually a long time!

So, honest talk, counselling, then giving up!

My self esteem would be rock bottom if my partner had only wanted sex with me once in a four year period.