To want a friend with benefits within a marriage ?

[Dadboddancer]

Totally ready to get flamed here but surely someone feels same as me.

I'm 35. Married man. Got two beautiful children.

Sadly my wife has given up on sex. We have had sex once in 4 years. No other sexual contact.

I realise with young kids sex is going to be less frequent. I also realise there are more pressures on my wife to deliver childcare and run house as I work full time.

I've rearranged my work life to get a day a week with kids and to help with housework and childcare. I've taken sex mentally off the table and focussed on being a caring husband so she feels loved.

Sadly there is just nothing .

I know I'm not perfect. Neither am I s gorgeous lethario. I do however genuinely love my wife. This is tearing me apart.

She tells me things will get better- but how long is reasonable to wait. 3 years ? 5 years ? A lost lifetime.?

To me my options are :

1. accept it and carry on loving my beautiful wife non sexually
2. Tell her I'm leaving and break 2 children's hearts and futures (I think or hopr we are good parents)
3. find a friend with benefits and keep marriage as is

No option is perfect . Has anyone else done this? Does anyone else want this ?

Flame away- but remember id accept a life without sex for my children's benefit. I'm just not sure that's right

Have you had a vasectomy? Maybe she’s terrified of getting pregnant again

It took me 4 years to resume sex with my childs Dad and long term partner.

Make an appointment for couples therapy. Tell her the status quo can’t continue, solutions must be found. Don’t discuss it any further till you’re with the professional.

It’s ok that this is serious for you. You can tell her that, it’s your marriage too. She already knows she can’t sustain this position.

Have you had a vasectomy? Maybe she’s terrified of getting pregnant again

Surely she’d say if that was the case?!

Communication is surely the way forward. If you can’t talk be intimate enough to at least discuss this and then you’ll never be intimiate enough for sex.

If, when you do try, she repeatly won’t engage with you in communication about this, then she can hardly then blame you for having a FWB.

It might help to clarify, to yourself, which of these things you want more:
Sex (with anyone who will have you)
Sex with your wife/your wife to want to have sex with you again.

Bear in mind the fact that the second option may simply not be available: she may no longer find you desirable, or she may have always had a fairly low libido and it's dwindled to practically nothing now. How are things between you otherwise? Do you laugh together, enjoy spending time together; are you kind to one another? Do both of you get time to yourselves, to do stuff that's not childcare/chores, but not 'date night' either? (Date nights are not always great if the issue is a woman who has lost interest in sex; if she was already feeling pressured then going on a 'date' where it's obvious that all the bloke can think about is 'How much longer till she opens her legs? Can we do the sex yet? Does she really want to stay till the end of the film/have dessert? WILL THERE BE TIME FOR ENOUGH SEX NOW I HAVE DONE THE DATE?')

If she doesn't have time to herself (to go out with friends, pursue a hobby, just sit somewhere quiet and read a book without little voices going 'Mummeeee' or adult voices going 'You're not doing anything, how about SEX?') then try making that something she can have.

If it's the case that she really doesn't want sex with you but would prefer you to stay in the family home and do your share of childcare/domestic work/bringing in an income, then it might be time for a talk about how she would feel if you had a FWB.

Hello, OP.
I cheated on the father of my firstborn, who I know now is asexual (we weren't technically together when she was conceived but he had been drinking) because he chose to stand by me but it wasn't what he had ever wanted and unless I practically forced him (wince) or he had had a drink, there was no intimacy. I felt unloved, unwanted, ugly, you name it. I would sleep with the odd person now and then because I needed to feel wanted and loved. The reality was, that it was him I wanted to be intimate with and it didn't make me particularly happy.

My mum went through early menopause and has slept in a different room to my dad for a good 15 years, might be closer to 20, I'm not sure. I know it affected him badly because he went off the rails a bit and he also shared some TMI (eww, I didn't want to know my mum wouldn't 'put out).

And my used-to-be-rampant libido has chilled out over the last six years, seems to have been since they changed some of my meds but I also had a relationship with a sexually coercive arsehole who objectified me constantly plus I carried a hefty mental load. I've discovered since then that there is a direct link between the mental load I carry, plus the household chores and childrearing, to my libido.

Typically, I'm now with someone amazing but he is very low in libido and is also very self conscious, he has put back on four of the stone he previously had lost eight of, since we have been together.

I do feel unwanted, ugly, fat, etc. But I am also more understanding having been on the other side of it.

I would write her a letter. You tell her how much you love her and what for. And what you love about what she does and for bringing your DC into this world and feeding them. You explain your need for intimacy. You ask her what YOU can do to relieve her of any burdens which may be affecting her libido.

She sounds 'touched out'. Kids are usually very physical and needy and noisy. My nearly eight year old is all those things and leaves both me and her stepfather feeling flustered and touched out.

And definitely mention couples counselling. If she is unwilling to try the counselling and action what I mentioned above, then say you have to walk away so you don't hurt her by seeking affection elsewhere
For me, it wasn't about the sex, it was the intimacy, contact and connection with the other person. And you do expect those things from a life partner, with or without penetrative sex.

TBH it would make a lot more sense if, during that 'touched out' stage of parenthood, women felt happy to say to their partners: go and get a bit of fun elsewhere if you want to. For some women it would be a relief - and if we weren't so hung up on the ridiculous, unfair obsession with monogamy, it would be the best and easiest solution.

She's BVU! Since the menopause I am far less bothered, but we are a couple and have certain expectations of each other. My poor DH gets less than he used to but I know I enjoy it when we do DTD (maybe weekly at best), and I would never expect him to go years without any intimacy!

I suppose if a wife really hated it or found him a turn off it would be different - then perhaps an open relationship (consensually) or divorce would be the only option....

But a secret affair can never be the answer! Talk to her, explain your (extremely reasonable) concerns, see a counsellor if necessary. But please don't go down that route, as PPs have said there are far too many pitfalls!

Good luck!

One thing that you may not realize at this point is that women of your approximate age who want an FWB relationship with a married man with small children are about as common as honest, competent politicians. Your chances of finding one that you fancy and who fancies you and is okay with your situation are likely vanishingly small. The phrase they use in statistics is "closely approaching zero".

find a friend with benefits and keep marriage as is

Did you haul yourself out of the 1950's?!

So, in order to keep yourself with your family living a lie, you want to involve another family in this?!

Because Friends With Benefits don't have a life/relationship/kids of their own?

Just own up to the fact that your life is a sham and deal with it.

I went off sex after having ds. Partly because I was exhausted and my body was either feeding or aching and felt horrible.
Also it felt like the only thing that mattered to dp was penetration. It was a massive turnoff.
We worked our way back by doing intimate gentle stuff. A back massage, a bath run with bubbles, and no strings attached. A holiday where I slept for most of it. Some new clothes, pampering and some sunshine.
I only then realised how low I’d got and had basically been dragging myself through each day. Sex couldn’t have been further from my mind.
Has your dw talked to her GP about depression?

Have you had a vasectomy? Maybe she’s terrified of getting pregnant again

You know thats not a get out clause.4 years is a long time.Its just as much down to the wife to say how she feels.Hes not a mindreader.

If he withheld from her for 4 years,i bet the answers would be so different.

So you didn't have sex from when the oldest was born except for once nearly 3 years ago and she fell pregnant from that one time? And never since?

What was it like before kids? Perhaps she's worried about another pregnancy?

Think about some of the potential problems with option 3:

1. Can you cope with the emotional strain that comes with all the lies and deceit? Do you really want to become the sort of person that can cope with that?
2. You need to realise that you will almost certainly be found out eventually. No matter how discreet you are, the risk is there and the longer it goes on the more likely your wife will find out. Your marriage may be rocky but do you really want to break her heart?
3. You can't guarantee that either you won't develop feelings for the FWB or they won't develop feelings for you.
4. You can't guarantee against STIs or pregnancies with the FWB(s).
5. Eventually, one or more friends/relatives/colleagues will figure out you're cheating. Do you really want other people that you care about to have to carry the emotional burden of hiding your dirty little secret?

Find another solution to your problem.

I think you should love and be there for your wife you are very lucky to have found each other and care for each other so much. Her libido may or may not come back but I think if she knew you were considering breaking up or going elsewhere for something as insignificant, compared to your relationship, as sex she will be heartbroken.

It's neither of your faults that she has no libido and it is out of your control but I can't see how it is so important that you are considering breaking up.

If my partner decided to never have sex with me again it would be a shock but I would never ever consider going elsewhere I love him so much.

I think you need to revisit what you love about her and why you married her. Sex isn't everything and I would be totally gutted if you were my husband and I was reading this.

Can I ask do you cuddle and kiss?

What a depressing thread. Particularly
don’t you wank?
No sex for 4 years must be soul destroying. Don’t listen to those minimising it op.

Reported not
Are you normally so rude?

Ask her to go to relate with you, couples therapy. Four years is a long-time.

I think you need to tell her frankly that if your sex life doesn't get started again, you are thinking of leaving the marriage.

4 years is A LOT. And as PPs have said, it's not just about sexual release, it's about feeling wanted and desired. It's soul-killing.

You have been extremely patient. I think you need to tell your wife how things stand, to give your marriage a chance.

I would seek help. Go and have a chat to your Doctor and see what services they can recommend you both to. It might be easier for her to talk to someone away from you who is professional and can lead you both in the right direction.

I have to say I hated having my boobs touched for a long while after breast feeding and for a long time I certainly didn't feel like a sexual being or felt attractive. I have to also say its hard to tell someone you love that something hurts that they are trying so hard to get right...

And trying to talk just before you nod off isn't a good idea either.

A professional can work through your individual concerns and bring you together to sort it out. If She doesn't want to go through, there is nothing for you not to try talking to someone and just bounce around ideas and suggestions. Tell her you will be going all the same.

Counselling or FWB or divorce- just not the status quo

If she truly loved you, she would empathise with your feelings even if she can't give you what you need. This should come with opening up and discussing things even if it makes her life much easier to just keep on fobbing you off.

Withholding anything from what you previously enjoyed as a couple without opening up about the true reasons is a form of controlling abuse. They expect you to hang on with only loose promises of things getting better in the future.

Personally it is the lack of expressed empathy that would tear me apart and lead me to believe that my partner doesn't really love me as I love them and made me think that they were only staying in the marriage for the convenience of material things, house, money etc...

Withholding anything from what you previously enjoyed as a couple without opening up about the true reasons is a form of controlling abuse

FFS, not everything that feels unfair or upsetting in a relationship is "abuse". I wondered how long it would take before someone called OP's wife "abusive" for not wanting to have sex with him . She may have very good reasons for not "opening up" by the way, we are only hearing one side of this.

I sympathise with OP's position but labelling him as a victim of abuse when he isn't is profoundly unhelpful, especially he might feel it's all the justification he needs to go out and cheat on his wife.

While I have no doubt that being in a sexless marriage can be distressing, frustrating and ultimately unsustainable, it does not mean that the person who doesn't want sex is an abuser. There is a big difference between an unhappy marriage and an abusive one.

Awww, calling it friend with benefits makes it sound much better than a sordid grubby little affair doesn't it op?