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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry that someone came to my birth when I didn't want them to?

999 replies

Seline · 28/02/2019 16:50

Had an emergency cesarean under very traumatic circumstances during which I nearly died and so did my twins. The whole night was horrendous. When I woke up from my cesarean, my mother in law was there. I felt hurt and confused and didn't know what was going on.

She didn't stay long but she also had my brother and sister in law (adults not children or teens) in the waiting room. As soon as DH had text her to say "She's been rushed to theatre" she just decided to turn up with them.

Four months later I'm still angry about this. Am I being unfair?

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 28/02/2019 16:52

Why are you so angry? I guess you don't like her much.

Stickerrocks · 28/02/2019 16:52

I would imagine that she wanted to be there to support her son if you nearly died.

Finfintytint · 28/02/2019 16:52

Maybe she was worried about you or wanted to support her son if things were going badly wrong?

LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 28/02/2019 16:53

Maybe your dh needed her support?

greendale17 · 28/02/2019 16:53

Obviously a massive backstory here otherwise yes YABU. Your reaction to this all is very weird.

dellacucina · 28/02/2019 16:53

It depends on what was discussed beforehand. Given the unexpected medical emergency, it seems like it may have been reasonable for her to come as a member of the family for support. However, if you have a background of not getting along and you made it very clear that she was not to be there (to her and to DH) then you may be within your rights to be upset.

Pieceofpurplesky · 28/02/2019 16:53

DS is 15 and it still makes my blood boil that when we returned from hospital MIL was sat in my house waiting to see him. Long divorced but it still pisses me off.

I feel your pain OP, as irrational as some posters may say it is.

SallyWD · 28/02/2019 16:53

As long as she didn't hang around too long I wouldn't be angry. I'm guessing your husband's message sounded rather dramatic and she was very worried.

ParisWilton · 28/02/2019 16:54

Presumably your DH said it was OK for her to be there? People can't just walk into theatre/recovery rooms/wards willy nilly in the UK.

WorraLiberty · 28/02/2019 16:54

Christ alive if my daughter in law and grandchildren were about to die (of if that's what I thought might happen), I'd rush to be there too!

Would you not for your family, OP?

Original poster
Seline · 28/02/2019 16:55

I'd already stated I only wanted my mum and DH at the birth. I have no issue with her coming to support DH but why the hell was she there when I woke up? In the room?

It's not about her as such. I don't like anyone seeing me when I am weak and vulnerable. Having her see me when I had nearly died sends shivers down my spine.

OP posts:
Howyoualldoworkme · 28/02/2019 16:55

I imagine they came to support your DH during a stressful and frightening time!
I had to have an emergency caeserean with my youngest and I would have been happy that my husband had someone who cared with him.

I think you are BVU but I'm preparing for a drip feed and a backstory.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 28/02/2019 16:55

If my son’s wife was being rushed to theatre and might die, I would go to be with him and support him, and if either of their brothers was there, I’m sure they would come too, to support their brother.

Imagine this was one of your twins, @Seline - their spouse is critically ill - wouldn’t you want to be with them?

Soontobe60 · 28/02/2019 16:56

Yes you are being very very very unreasonable. Your DH may have been in a total state, knowing that he could lose you and his babies at any time. I would have done exactly the same in that situation. She wasn't there in theatre with you, she was supporting her son.
You need to get over this and be thankful she was able to support him in that trauma time.

Original poster
Seline · 28/02/2019 16:56

I have no idea what was said other than I've seen the text DH said which just said "they've taken her to theatre and they're delivering". No dramatics.

OP posts:
Original poster
Seline · 28/02/2019 16:57

I don't have an issue with her coming to the hospital. It's her being in the room and bringing the siblings I find uncomfortable.

Guess lots of people would've done this though judging by the response.

OP posts:
burritofan · 28/02/2019 16:57

Depends on what was discussed with your DH beforehand about visitors, and where she was – did she come into recovery to see you or was she waiting outside? Personally I wouldn't want anyone but DP & my own parents in recovery after emergency surgery BUT DP knows this, it's been discussed, he would play gatekeeper.

Odd that she brought the whole family along. But it could be your husband wanted/needed the support? Have you talked to him about it? It sounds incredibly traumatic and some of your reaction might be bound up in the trauma of the birth rather than with her specifically, she's just a good outlet for the PTSD.

NorthEndGal · 28/02/2019 16:58

She was clearly there for her son.
I'm sorry it upset you, but I really think you are making way too big an issue of this, and it is bound to be felt by your DH too.
What did he say?

Gazelda · 28/02/2019 16:58

Seline if I'm remembering your username correctly, you've had a truly awful time during and since your twins' birth.
There are a number of issues that you've posted on MN about, each of which sound horrible for you to live through.

Are you having any counselling or post natal mental health support?
If I were in your shoes, I'd find it very difficult to find the emotional strength to address these issues and to 'put them behind me'. But until you do, they're going to eat at you and chip away at your wellbeing.

Fraula · 28/02/2019 16:59

I imagine the whole experience was deeply traumatic. Have you had therapy? I'm guessing that this kind of trauma would mean you can't easily see a situation more objectively or from a different perspective. It may be that your anger about this is misdirected, and you're angry about the birth and complications.

Stickerrocks · 28/02/2019 16:59

Don't you think your own twins will be close to each other and want to be there to support each other in a crisis? I would do anything to be there for my brother if I thought he could lose his wife. It's called being a family.

Troels · 28/02/2019 16:59

But she wasn't at the birth she was waiting in the waiting room until after. She was there for your Dh and you, YABU unless you are going to drip feed with a load of awful hateful things she has done and said, then chances are it came from a good place her being there.
My MIL was in the waiting room, Dh couldn't have cared less. I went home to a spotless house and no laundry, MIL had been by and done it all, Dh was bit confused. I knew she hadn't done it to rile me up it came from a good place. She however isn't the nicest person. But her caring for her son and grandchild was good at that time.

Howyoualldoworkme · 28/02/2019 17:00

It was your husbands family, not some random who had wandered in.
Birthplans do not always get to go the way you hope.

I understand that you had a massive shock with the operation and the bear death experience. I understand because I nearly bled to death with an undiagnosed placenta previa (this was 27 years ago)

You are alive and well and so are your twins. Be thankful.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 28/02/2019 17:00

OP in the nicest possible way, this isn't about you, its about a mother helping her son through difficult times. If you had died, at least she would have been there to hold him together.

UnderHerEye · 28/02/2019 17:01

The thing is OP your baby is also your DHs baby. And your DH was dealing with the possibility of his babie and his wife dying, so if he had his mum and siblings with him I really don’t that’s something you can begrudge him!