To be angry that someone came to my birth when I didn't want them to?

[Seline]

Had an emergency cesarean under very traumatic circumstances during which I nearly died and so did my twins. The whole night was horrendous. When I woke up from my cesarean, my mother in law was there. I felt hurt and confused and didn't know what was going on.

She didn't stay long but she also had my brother and sister in law (adults not children or teens) in the waiting room. As soon as DH had text her to say "She's been rushed to theatre" she just decided to turn up with them.

Four months later I'm still angry about this. Am I being unfair?

What @oswin said. That’s awful, I would feel the same.

YANBU, OP.

Am shocked at people responses , of course op shouldn’t have people staring at her while she is unconscious unless her choice of relative or a hcp.

I don't like people seeing me when I'm not wearing "armour". Seeing me at my most vulnerable is what's annoyed me.

Would it help you to mentally cope with that, if you started to shift your mind onto your DH and what it must've been like for him?

Perhaps try to imagine him all alone and trying to deal with the shock of his wife and babies possibly about to die?

I might help if you just try to shift the focus a little bit.

I presume if she was in the recovery room it was because she was recovering? And not in imminent danger of dying? YANBU OP, much as I liked my MIL her face staring down at me would not be what I wanted to see when I came round from my emergency section.

Have you had counselling to help you through the traumatic birth? Wondering if this could help you with these feelings too.

Please can someone explain in what other medical situation it's ok for someone's privacy to be ignored because a mil wants to be there with her son.

Worra I understand that and I know why he text her I just don't understand her reaction. I've asked him about it and he said she was trying to be helpful because she's been at "everyone's births" and considers herself an expert among her family and he felt too shellshocked to tell her anything because he didn't know what was going on.

YANBU at all. If your husband had major surgery and said he only wanted you and his mum there nobody would say he should be fine with waking up to his MIL in his face. But for some reason the privacy of women who are giving birth doesn't count.

If I woke up from any type of surgery, let alone life-threatening cesarean, I would not want to see my MIL's face. Full stop. YANBU, usually family members support the partners by being at the hospital, not in the recovery room itself.

Have you had a debrief from the hospital?

I think you could have asked this on another day and recieved completely different views op. I dont quite understand all the people saying its fine as she was clearly there for her son. Her son wasn't the patient who had just had emergency surgery ffs. Op's wishes as the patient trumps her dh any day so she shouldn't have been there. I understand why you are annoyed. I would be too. Instead of being able to come round and find your bearings after a traumatic experience you were faced with having to be social with family members you didn't feel comfortable with. It would take me a while to get over as well.

Eurgh I agree, if my PILs were there when I woke up after such an ordeal I would be pissed off too and it would put me on the back foot. It IS about you actually, given you almost died. Surely they would have thought ‘oh she should be waking up soon, let’s give them some space’ ? But then I am not the type to fall asleep/be vulnerable in front of people anyway (eg I’d never let myself fall asleep at Christmas on the sofa) because I’d feel sort of embarrassed/vulnerable. I think other posters are different!

The dangerous bit was over. They were waiting for op to wake up in recovery.
He didn't ask his mother to be there. She could have supported him from outside the room. This attitude towards women when they have babies is shitty.

What explanation has your DH given you? - Probably that he thought his wife and children were going to die and he wanted his mum as support.

This whole thing about not wanting people to see you without armour is your issue that you need to work through., don't misdirect this to your MIL and DH.

I'm assuming that once OP was in recovery there was no longer any threat of her imminent death. DH could have coped waiting with just OPs mum by then i would have thought.

I am surprised that a person not named by OP as a birth partner was allowed to be sitting about in the same room as OP while she was still unconscious from a CS. Surely the correct procedure would to be to allow named birth partners to stay with her the whole time and then, conscious, ask if it's ok to have others come to the room.

Emergency caesarean under GA is very traumatic (I’ve had one). Do try and get counselling. It’s bloody lovely, they’re basically paid there to sit and listen to you talk about yourself, with a bit of clever prompting so you end up realising what’s really bothering you and talking about that.

Your MIL being in the room was wrong. Have you asked her about it? Just there might be some odd reason for it and talking might clear the air? Unless she’s generally bonkers in which case, counselling. It’s amazing how much it helps to say stuff out loud to another person and hear them say “I understand why that made you feel like that”.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all! If your DH wanted her there for support then maybe that's fair enough but she didn't need to be in the room. Your birth, your choice. You'd clearly said who you were happy to have there, your DH and mum.

I dont think it's at all ok for this woman to be at your bedside as you came round from major surgery. Wtf happened to privacy and dignity?

Can't imagine any other situation when it would have been. Visitors normally limited in hospital so I'm surprised all 3 were allowed.

I'd have an issue with the hospital your dh and her. Not necessarily in that order.

What does dh say about it?

If he needed her it should have been elsewhere.

Nessie it's absolutely normal to not want visitors at your bed when you come round from traumatic surgery.
Not some sort of issue. Or do women lose all rights to a sense of privacy once pregnant?

I’m almost always very sick when I wake up from a GA or sedation. No way would I have wanted anyone except my DH to be in recovery or in a private room watching me vom.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable, OP

However, I do think 4 months on that you’re focussing quite a lot of anger on this. If you get validation, will that help you let this particular thing go now?

Presumably, not being able to be in 3 places at once, your DH thought you would want someone there you recognised when you woke up. You didn't. Not really anyone's fault unless you had previously expressed fairly significant dislike of your MIL to your DH.

It's not about you OP. Err yes it really was. ** What a bloody ridiculous comment!

“Probably that he thought his wife and children were going to die and he wanted his mum as support.”

That isn’t what he text his mother though. And even if it was, why couldn’t she and the SIL and BIL wair in the waiting room? OP wasn’t at deaths door, she was in recovery.

Based on your updates, I think YANBU. She should not have taken it upon herself to barge in on you before even your parents and DH.

But Nesssie, the OP was in recovery, the bit where you're not going to die. No need for the MIL to be in the room. Not wanting to wake up in a vulnerable situation to your MIL staring you in the face is not the OP's issue to work through – though I think she'll have to, through counselling, which is a pretty unfair emotional load she shouldn't have to have – it's the MIL's issue, who should be thinking about her (lack of) boundaries.

I echo what burritofan said. I'm not sure I'd want anyone but my husband in the room with me after such a traumatic delivery. Fair enough for the family to be there but maybe waiting outwith the room to hear if you are fit for visitors, which I can quite imagine you weren't. Hope the babies are doing well.