To be angry that someone came to my birth when I didn't want them to?

[Seline]

Had an emergency cesarean under very traumatic circumstances during which I nearly died and so did my twins. The whole night was horrendous. When I woke up from my cesarean, my mother in law was there. I felt hurt and confused and didn't know what was going on.

She didn't stay long but she also had my brother and sister in law (adults not children or teens) in the waiting room. As soon as DH had text her to say "She's been rushed to theatre" she just decided to turn up with them.

Four months later I'm still angry about this. Am I being unfair?

User that is because Mummy is probably looking after the twins for her. I'm looking forward to the nursery & school years, as some of those threads will be absolute gems.

*I’m calling bullshit after 900 odd posts. This is just some headcase who needs someone to talk to. Literally hasn’t left this thread in 9 hours....with two 4 month twins
*
Agree

I don't really consider class tbh when choosing a partner doesn't exactly answer the point does it.

You got with DH despite his terrible childhood, his lower class, his ""other"" culture and bit you don't want the reminder of that around you

Your reaction is not off at all. I had a similar situation in the midst of labour, my dh's dad and gf turned up, I was told that his dads gf was going to come in with me while he ate the f'in McDonald's they had brought. I was told this as she walked through the door and as I was having a heartbeat monitor attached to the baby's head, so I was in a lovely compromising position.

I was so shocked I said nothing (totally should have) but it felt like a massive invasion and it genuinely upset me. I was at my most vulnerable and quite honestly I wanted no one else there. Obviously I focussed on the task in hand at the time, but I felt but it was a massive overstep on her part to assume I would want her there!

I totally understand her being at the hospital to support her son, but that doesn't allow her to invade your privacy by being in the room when you woke up, who knows what private medical discussions occurred in front of her while you were unconscious.

However you can't change the fact that she was there, so while I understand your pain, and get why it still affects you (She says fuming while typing ) I think we both may have to let it go

I'm afraid that if I let go of the reigns I set a precedent for someone else to take them and that if that person is incapable then I can't easily wrangle them back.

So the burning anger and desire to keep MIL away is a response to you feeling like she’s seen you ‘drop the reigns’ (in your vulnerability) and you are now trying to wrangle back control?

It makes sense accordig to your own internal logic, but it isn’t real, you’re making up your own rules that only you understand (and maybe your parents if this is where you’ve got it from) and you can’t really expect others to understand and live by those rules.
That is why I think you will be happier trying to relax your own boundaries and expectations (gently, it will take time) rather than expecting others to live by yours. Because that will be exhausting and emotionally damaging for you and your family.

Op I think you need help. You have 3 young children that need you but instead you have spent nearly a full day on Mumsnet. Your dh was probably upset and phoned his mum it happened months ago. It's time to get over it.

But what seems to be the case here - perhaps OP can clarify - is that this one act has caused a moment of clarity which has shown in glorious technicolour exactly what her MiL truly is. It's a case of once her eyes have been opened to this, she can't unsee it, or go back to the relationship they might have had before. And it's amazing the number of women who recount to the same old refrain: 'MiL was never a problem ... UNTIL we had children'.

Exactly. This sums it up perfectly. If any of you have been in feminism, it's like peak trans. Only peak MIL.

Funny how I never called DH lower class and uncultured and that isn't my view of him at all. My view is DH turned out amazingly despite these issues and that my DC deserve the best I can give them which isn't what she gives them.

this one act has caused a moment of clarity which has shown in glorious technicolour exactly what her MiL truly is.

Maybe, but it is also interesting in that light that this ‘moment of clarity’ seems to be very very recent. OP has talked about processing her feelings around the birth in other threads recently in which she’s said that she gets on well with MIL.

I am also the kind of person who will ruminate through going over and over and over and over something I can’t process, trying different angles to explain What Happened in a way I can get a handle on. This kind of thinking is familiar to me.

It is of course possible that the OP has suddenly realised that the MIL she’s previously been fine with has in fact been the bad guy the whole time, and the feelings she thought were related to the traumatic birth/NICU are in fact all not caused by the birth, the birth was fine and everything is caused by the MIL who ‘attacked’ her and now deserves to be ‘punished’. But. Really?

(And I do absolutely think that the MIL crossed a serious line and that OP’s well within her rights to be massively annoyed about it. Just, not to the point of thinking that MIL’s the one who ruined an otherwise fine birth experience.)

If she's so terrible OP just go no contact. They're your kids, your choice. Tell DH to like it or go. Cut her out of their lives so they never have to be exposed to her ve influence and you never have your power questioned.

Good luck

I don't want to go NC and upset DH.

I have a mil a bit like yours, she is pushy, controlling, will do whatever is needed to get what she wants, doesn't respect your privacy or wishes, talks to me and dh like we are children. She has done things I now can't forgive her for (not as bad as your birth) because over the years they have mounted up and I'm at the end of my tether with her. I almost sent her a long ranting fk you * text. I'm going low contact with her now. I intend to try my best to never let her see my dc unsupervised because she can't be trusted (she would use emotionally blackmail, bribary etc).

Not read everything on the thread but if your Mil doesn't respect your wishes she probably can't be trusted unsupervised with your dc

I don't want to go NC and upset DH.

I think that ship's sailed.

she would use emotionally blackmail, bribary etc).

I think mine would also do this. She told DH to go through my phone once!

I would feel completely violated too. Who knows what private medical details she has been made privy to while you were coming round. You were the patient needing support, not your DH.

Plus I had no bra on. I know that's so minor but it make a me feel sick that she saw me with no bra.

They're your kids, your choice. Tell DH to like it or go. Cut her out of their lives

What an awful awful attitude. They aren't just kids, they are her DHs to by the way.

It's not minor if she saw you naked! That's horrible.

I had a gown on but my top was fairly exposed. Not topless beach level exposed but enough that thinking about it makes me cry. Perhaps that's why I feel so violated?

Also I asked my mum what happened. I text her asking why she didn't ask MIL to leave. She said she felt shellshocked and that MIL kept flitting between BIL in the waiting room and the room I was going to come in. Apparently she desperately wanted to "say hello" to me.

I see it not as a failure to be vulnerable but as a failure to let anyone see it.

Not your failure (if indeed it could be considered a failure at all).

You also say DH is brilliant. Well that's great. But who do you think brought him up to be brilliant?

OP I'm so sorry your birth wasn't what you wanted but for your own mental health you either do need to get help or you need to "accept what you cannot change" (as cliched as that is) and move on.

Plus I had no bra on. Do you think she - or anyone - even noticed?

OP, if you are so traumatised about someone seeing you without a bra that thinking about it makes you cry and feel sick, I really think your problems are internal, and not all that much to do with your MIL or anyone else. I think you need some proper counselling.

You need so much help.