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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry that someone came to my birth when I didn't want them to?

999 replies

Seline · 28/02/2019 16:50

Had an emergency cesarean under very traumatic circumstances during which I nearly died and so did my twins. The whole night was horrendous. When I woke up from my cesarean, my mother in law was there. I felt hurt and confused and didn't know what was going on.

She didn't stay long but she also had my brother and sister in law (adults not children or teens) in the waiting room. As soon as DH had text her to say "She's been rushed to theatre" she just decided to turn up with them.

Four months later I'm still angry about this. Am I being unfair?

OP posts:
Daffodil2018 · 28/02/2019 17:01

I wouldn’t like it either TBH but given it’s been four months you do need to try and move on from it. It’s done and it is very very unlikely to ever occur again. I wonder if the trauma of the whole event (and it does sound dreadful) has in your mind become pinned entirely to this small aspect of it. You must have felt a huge loss of control overall, and your MIL being there or not probably feels like the only element you could potentially have had a say in. It might be worth talking to a counsellor if you haven’t already.

maloofhoof · 28/02/2019 17:01

Do you mean she was actually in the operating theatre during the section?

ParisWilton · 28/02/2019 17:02

OP are you the poster who was very adament that men should be able to stay overnight on maternity wards? You don't want anyone else, even HCA to help you? If so, you came across extremely anxious in that thread and perhaps you should seek professional assistance. You again sound very anxious here too. It's completely understandable, you've clearly had a traumatic time but I'm not sure a drop feeding thread where some people may disagree with you is for the best.

Fwiw, I would be annoyed if any other relatives of mine visited too soon after the birth, however, I'd be annoyed with my DP for allowing them to visit.

Babysleeeeeeep · 28/02/2019 17:02

Op, you’ve posted many many times about the birth and your mil. You’re obviously really struggling and suffering from some degree of shock/trauma for which I hope you’re receiving appropriate support.

Mumsnet is not that place.

You’re engaging in what’s called rumination. Hope you get the help you need and feel better soon. Congrats on your babies.

HarrySnotter · 28/02/2019 17:02

I think you're being really unfair. Your DH was probably in a right old state and needed support. Why would you not want him to have that? I really don't understand. It may not have been an ideal situation for you but none of it was ideal. It sounds like you had a horrendous time and sometimes that clouds our view on other things that really don't matter much. You and your babies are well (I hope?) and that really is what you should focus on.

CottonSock · 28/02/2019 17:02

After my first dd I'd had an emergency section, traumatic induction over 3 days. I looked and felt awful and didn't want to see my in-laws. Especially when she kept wanting my photo. It still makes me a bit angry 6 years later op, so I understand.

ZoeWashburne · 28/02/2019 17:03

I really think you are projecting a lot onto this. It is natural to feel out of control about that situation. And then search for control and anger towards one tangible thing (your MiL). I strongly suggest you get some therapy to help you process this.

It sounds like you are having a really rough time now. I hope you get some help.

Oswin · 28/02/2019 17:03

In what world is it ok to be in the patients room when they wake up from serious surgery when they have requested that only two people are there?
She could have waited in the waiting room for news.
What is it about when women give birth all privacy that people normally have is thrown out the window.

Original poster
Seline · 28/02/2019 17:03

Gazelda yes it's me who had the awful time. I'm on the whole alright, just a few relatively minor things like this that really wind me up.

I don't think people are realising she was in the room when I woke up? Not the waiting room.

OP posts:
username4858 · 28/02/2019 17:04

I remember someone on a thread feeling like you OP it was a similar situation. However, what had really upset her was the baby had been held by a number of people whilst the lady was still unconscious. She was understandably annoyed. Had MIL held your babies?

Oswin · 28/02/2019 17:05

Wow it isn't about the op?

If the husband needed support they could have done that in the hallway, in the waiting room.

Why are new mothers not allowed privacy. This is her body. She was the patient. Bloody hell.

WorraLiberty · 28/02/2019 17:06

OP, ask yourself why you wrote the thread title the way you did.

'Someone' came to my birth when I didn't want them to.

It wasn't just 'Someone', it was your husband's mother and family - there to support him through an obviously very harrowing and lonely time.

keepingbees · 28/02/2019 17:06

You were unconscious, she wasn't there at your birth, just there to support you both afterwards.
Unless there's a back story be glad you have family who care enough to turn up and support you and your DH.

Quartz2208 · 28/02/2019 17:06

to be fair the room you woke up in is not the one you gave birth in you would be in recovery. Unless there is a massive backstory it sounds perfectly reasonable she might be there

I wonder the anger you feel about the birth and everything surrounding it needs an outlet and this is it

Laiste · 28/02/2019 17:06

Where were you when you woke from the anesthetic? Was it a ward or a private recovery room?

I wouldn't care who was in the hospital or in the waiting rooms but i'd not want anyone except my DH or my DDs (adults) in a recovery room with me.

I don't know what to suggest to help you put this behind you though. It can't be undone now. Only you can give yourself permission to let it go.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 28/02/2019 17:07

I don't think people are realising she was in the room when I woke up?

You'd be in the recovery suite. We aren't stupid. Your DH was there , with his own mother supporting him through trauma. If you had died, would you have liked him to be alone with no support?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 28/02/2019 17:07

Sorry for your trauma.

But was she actually there for the birth? It sounds as though she was there when you came around, which I'm guessing was some time later?

If so, and if your DH and Mum were the only people present at the birth, then they did stick to what you asked.

Hope you and the twins are doing well.

Oswin · 28/02/2019 17:07

Why does the actual patients want for privacy come behind the mil wanting to support her son.
When supporting her son didn't actually need her in the room while op is coming round from surgery.

Original poster
Seline · 28/02/2019 17:07

She didn't hold them they were premature.

I don't like people seeing me when I'm not wearing "armour". Seeing me at my most vulnerable is what's annoyed me.

OP posts:
Tomtontom · 28/02/2019 17:07

Was she in the recovery room or were you back in your room on the ward?

If your husband was with you, surely you didn't expect her to wait outside. You were only sleeping/ coming round, not having a procedure.

username4858 · 28/02/2019 17:08

Sorry posted too soon was going to say I can understand it feeling like an invasion of privacy esp if MIL has form.

Original poster
Seline · 28/02/2019 17:08

Where were you when you woke from the anesthetic? Was it a ward or a private recovery room?

Private room and she was in there. Right by my face. Saw her before my own mum and DH.

OP posts:
burritofan · 28/02/2019 17:09

Crossposted earlier. I don't think YABU at all about her being in the room when you woke up when you'd specifically stated who you wanted present at the birth. (I think "waking up after emergency c-section" counts as part of the birth, btw.)

But: I think for the sake of your MH and emotional recovery from a traumatic ordeal, I think you need to find a way to make peace with it. Whether that's telling your birth story somewhere, seeking counselling, talking to your husband, etc. Unless there's a backstory, she will have been there to support her son, not invade your privacy (even if it feels as though she did).

Especially when she kept wanting my photo.
I'm angry on your behalf just THINKING about this!

Bluerussian · 28/02/2019 17:09

Why are you angry? Would you have been angry had she not bothered to turn up? It was a critical situation.

Congratulations on your twins. Flowers

Nanny0gg · 28/02/2019 17:09

I do think it's odd that she came into recovery. I assume your babies had been whisked off?
What explanation has your DH given you?

Have you sought help for your recovery?