Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry that someone came to my birth when I didn't want them to?

999 replies

Seline · 28/02/2019 16:50

Had an emergency cesarean under very traumatic circumstances during which I nearly died and so did my twins. The whole night was horrendous. When I woke up from my cesarean, my mother in law was there. I felt hurt and confused and didn't know what was going on.

She didn't stay long but she also had my brother and sister in law (adults not children or teens) in the waiting room. As soon as DH had text her to say "She's been rushed to theatre" she just decided to turn up with them.

Four months later I'm still angry about this. Am I being unfair?

OP posts:
SheRaTheAllPowerful · 28/02/2019 17:37

I’m with you Op I think it’s beyond rude that she would invade your privacy like that.
What can you do to move forward? What would you like to happen? I would be telling my MIL how upset I was/am and that I expect an apology or it would be very low contact from me.

pallisers · 28/02/2019 17:37

I think you're being really unfair. Your DH was probably in a right old state and needed support.

There is an awful lot of this on this thread - what it really is is prioritising the DH's emotions and needs over the OPs. And I don't think that is right. Of course MIL and Sil and the whole marching band could come to the hospital to support the dh. They could sit in the waiting room and bring him coffee and be ready to talk to him. They did not need to be in the hospital room with the OP. They came into the room in which the OP was unconscious, recovering from a traumatic and difficult operation and they were there when she woke up. She had already told her dh that she did not want her mil there but she was ignored. I think the priority should have been OP's needs - not her dh who did not go through any physical trauma. I don't get this "oh he was worried so he needed to be supported". What about the OP??

OP, I think you need to feel your anger, acknowledge it as reasonable, and then try to let it go. I had a traumatic first delivery and I really understand how emotional it can be afterwards.

user1494670108 · 28/02/2019 17:37

I haven't reads your back story but she wasn't at your birth. She was in your recovery room when you came around as were your own mum and your husband. I think you might be over focussing on an issue, probably as a result of a very traumatic experience and maybe your previous relationship with MIL

lottiegarbanzo · 28/02/2019 17:38

If I was coming round from an anaesthetic, after a traumatic injury and surgery, I would want to see medical staff and perhaps DH.

Not find myself having to 'play host', or involuntarily playing the role of 'object of interest' to anybody.

Original poster
Seline · 28/02/2019 17:38

I'll write it again because I think I confused people, sorry.

I got taken to theatre and given a GA.
I woke up and saw MIL standing over me my own mum and husband were waiting by the wall because they both know i like privacy.

At this point I didn't know if my babies had died (very real chance).

She then pulled me up and gave me a hug.

The end result is I feel almost violated and that my privacy was invaded.

OP posts:
anniehm · 28/02/2019 17:38

Yabu why shouldn't your dh have his mum there, you had yours. Mountains and molehills spring to mind. It was very traumatic but her presence was neither here nor there

pallisers · 28/02/2019 17:38

Another MIL bashing thread. God forbid that your DH needed his Mum for some moral support. Just as you did.

Did he have to have the moral support in the OP's hospital room when she was unconscious recovering from a major operation? No he didn't. God forbid a woman giving birth thinks she might require a bit more support and focus than her poor husband.

BendydickCuminsnatch · 28/02/2019 17:40

Sounds awful OP and what’s really scary is that there seems to be a lot of people on this thread who think it sounds perfectly fine 😄

Usuallyinthemiddle · 28/02/2019 17:40

If you feel angry, you feel angry.

You're much more sensitive to this than I would have been. It's a bit of a non issue in the grand scheme of things, to me. But your feelings are your feelings. You're entitled to them.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 28/02/2019 17:41

Have you not posted about this before and how you only want your DM and DH while you bond with the babies ?

Original poster
Seline · 28/02/2019 17:41

Yabu why shouldn't your dh have his mum there, you had yours. because he wasn't having surgery?! What the hell?

OP posts:
Oswin · 28/02/2019 17:41

Annie because op was the patient fgs.

pallisers · 28/02/2019 17:41

Yabu why shouldn't your dh have his mum there, you had yours. Mountains and molehills spring to mind. It was very traumatic but her presence was neither here nor there

Yes OP. What you felt doesn't matter. anniehm is here to tell you what her presence actually meant to you.

Do people really not understand that MIL was standing over the bed of an unconscious woman recovering from an operation who had not asked for her to be there - who had actually asked for no one but her dh and mother to be there?

God, it is depressing how women's emotions and requests are regarded as piffling shit that should be ignored - molehills as it were. I have had 2 c-sections and also nearly died giving birth. NOTHING about those experiences was a molehill. nothing.

anniehm · 28/02/2019 17:41

Your dh must have given permission for her to see you in the recovery room btw

Original poster
Seline · 28/02/2019 17:42

Seems it's split. The reason I asked is because I wondered whether I was being oversensitive or whether this would have annoyed others too, because that affects what I'll do about it

OP posts:
burritofan · 28/02/2019 17:43

Yabu why shouldn't your dh have his mum there,
Because he hadn't had emergency surgery! Patient's choice. People supporting the patient often do need support, but not at the expense of what the patient wants or needs. She should have waited outside.

OP, the further detail about standing over you, pulling you up (after a C-section?!) and into a hug, and all before you knew your babies were ok, makes me 100% on your side.

Do you feel ready to talk to your DH about it or is it too soon?

Stickerrocks · 28/02/2019 17:43

Presumably your DH said it was ok for his mum to wait with him, so he ignored your instructions. Direct your anger at him, get it out of your system and then get on with enjoying your babies. In 20-30 years time, remember how you felt when you are in a similar position with your own adult children

Ginger1982 · 28/02/2019 17:43

You're giving this far too much head space. Let it go and focus on your babies! And if you're the kind of person that freaks out whenever people see you in somewhat of a vulnerable position then that is something that you need to deal with.

Oswin · 28/02/2019 17:43

Bloody hell I hadn't even thought of that. Op didn't even know if her babies had survived. She woke up to mil right there. At her most vulnerable.
She didn't need to be there. The mil could have supported her son from outside. Fucks sake.

Mmmmbrekkie · 28/02/2019 17:44

OP perhaps you’re suffering from PTS and channelling anger towards your MIL, who I have to say sounds like she responded very normally indeed.

MissBartlettsconscience · 28/02/2019 17:44

Op, it wasn't okay and your DH and MIL sound like they made a bad experience worse.

If you can access a debrief and some counselling, it would probably be hugely beneficial whether or not you forgive your MiL for overstepping your boundaries so very completely.

stayathomegardener · 28/02/2019 17:44

I would absolutely hate that.

Totally get you felt vulnerable and didn't expect to come round to anyone other than your own DM or DH.

Laiste · 28/02/2019 17:44

Do people really think it's ok for anyone who has come to a hospital to support a birth partner who is waiting for their spouse to come around from anesthetic to just come and sit in the same room as the unconscious patient?

Or is that dependent only upon the relationship with the birth partner? Mother. Father. Brother. Sister. Aunt. Uncle. Cousin, all ok? Are we drawing the line there? But no neighbors or drinking buddies?

As for you had your mum why shouldn't he have his?!?! Dear god.

lottiegarbanzo · 28/02/2019 17:44

And if DH was coming round from an anaesthetic, after traumatic injury and surgery, I would be actively ensuring all visitors stayed out (albeit updated regularly) and gave him space, dignity and uncomplicated access to medical staff.

It wouldn't occur to me to allow my relatives, however close, loving and well-intentioned, to take up space or attention in that room.

To me, this is all about 'man as active agent, whose feelings matter' and 'woman as object, defined in relation to a man' (his wife, he needed support - no, a person and patient, needing dignity and care).

Casmama · 28/02/2019 17:44

I can totally understand how you feel about your MIL and I would not have liked it.
However, I don't see that you can do anything about it now that would make you feel any better. People made mistakes at a very difficult time all round.

Swipe left for the next trending thread