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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be angry that someone came to my birth when I didn't want them to?

999 replies

Seline · 28/02/2019 16:50

Had an emergency cesarean under very traumatic circumstances during which I nearly died and so did my twins. The whole night was horrendous. When I woke up from my cesarean, my mother in law was there. I felt hurt and confused and didn't know what was going on.

She didn't stay long but she also had my brother and sister in law (adults not children or teens) in the waiting room. As soon as DH had text her to say "She's been rushed to theatre" she just decided to turn up with them.

Four months later I'm still angry about this. Am I being unfair?

OP posts:

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 28/02/2019 17:19

Ah, x-posted. The old “trying to be helpful”.

I wonder how she’d feel if she had emergency abdominal surgery and you were sat by her bed when she came round. Because, you know, her son was worried and you were supporting him.

Tomtontom · 28/02/2019 17:19

I'm guessing she was just sat in a chair with her son whilst he waited for you to come round. It's hardly in your face is it? And she wasn't at the birth either.

You need to get some support in talking through your issues around the birth. You've been through a traumatic experience so some excessive reactions are understandable but do need to be resolved.

SunflowerSuit · 28/02/2019 17:20

This hold have upset me too OP.

Dreamingofkfc · 28/02/2019 17:20

@Seline - like a pp I've seen your threads and agree you need some help. please talk to either your HV or GP

FriarTuck · 28/02/2019 17:21

Why does the actual patients want for privacy come behind the mil wanting to support her son.
This ^^. She could have been supportive in the waiting room. And no-one else needed to come along too. It wasn't bloody visiting hours, it was OP recovering.
But I agree that you have to somehow make peace with this in yourself or it will drag you down. She made a mistake but I doubt she was doing it to piss you off. Make sure she can't overstep boundaries in future and then let that incident go, for your sake far more than hers.

Laiste · 28/02/2019 17:21

dirtystinkyrats Presumably, not being able to be in 3 places at once, your DH thought you would want someone there you recognised when you woke up.

It's really not up to anyone else to chose who's in the room when a person is waking from surgery.

OP i'm not clear, was your MIL the only one in the room when you woke?

SoyDora · 28/02/2019 17:22

YANBU OP. She could have supported from the waiting room, she didn’t need to be in the recovery room when you woke up. I would have been upset too.

TacoLover · 28/02/2019 17:22

I don't have an issue with her coming to the hospital. It's her being in the room and bringing the siblings I find uncomfortable.

But the siblings were in the waiting room? Why would that be an issue?

Bluetrews25 · 28/02/2019 17:23

The last thing I would have wanted in your situation would be to wake up to my MIL gawping at me.
You did VERY well not to scream, vomit on her or drop dead from shock! (Trying to inject a little humour here).
Sadly, we can't un-ring the bell.
Just make mental note for if there is a next time, and you can be clearer with instructions to your DH.
Congratulations, though, I bet you have done something that your MIL couldn't do - grow TWO babies at once and survive a near death experience. You rock, OP.
Look for the positives - reframe this picture.

lottiegarbanzo · 28/02/2019 17:23

Gosh, I agree with you OP. Being there to support DH could be done in the waiting room. It does not equal or excuse bringing other adults into your hospital room - where you were the, very vulnerable, ill patient.

Dvg · 28/02/2019 17:25

No, you were unconscious after having an emergency operation.

She should have stayed in the waiting room to check on everything and DH and asked how she could help him but she should not have gone in unless you told her to. how dare she think she has the right to just walk into someones private recovery room and before the person has even woken up.

KingkillerKvothe · 28/02/2019 17:25

I think I understand what you mean.

My first Labour was horrible. And after 20+ hours I was rushed for an emergency section.

I felt horrific. I hadn't slept. I'd barely been allowed to hold my baby. And my MIL rocks up with her mate! Literally brought her friend into the recovery room. She is the mum of a close friend of my DP. And I'd had been happy for her to come meet the baby. But not when I'd been labouring for near on a day, and then been operated on. My son is now 7, and it still winds me up when I think about it. And is the reason I had a blanket 'no visitors but DP and son' after I had our second.

The way your op is written, (haven't rft) it seems like you were put under GA, and woke to her there? Yeah. I'd not be happy either. It's a very vulnerable time. And I can see why you are upset. Even though I am still annoyed that my mil brought her friend in, I do think it's something you just have to let go. Annoying as it is.

TryingSoVeryHard · 28/02/2019 17:26

But was she at the birth? If you said you didn't want her at the birth I could understand your fury if she was gowned and masked at the delivery/caesarian. But afterwards I don't see the issue. I'm not clear which it was.

averystrangeweek · 28/02/2019 17:26

Your DH would have been frantic with fright at the possibility of losing you and the unborn twins. The whole thing would have been extremely traumatic for him. They were there to support him.

Nomorepies · 28/02/2019 17:29

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

AgentJohnson · 28/02/2019 17:30

What armour? Make up, nails done....

The truth is she wouldn’t have had access to an ‘unarmed’ you, if your H hadn’t ok’d it. I’m not blaming your H but fixating on this gets you where exactly?

clairestandish · 28/02/2019 17:30

So as you were coming round from the surgery and yet to see your babies etc your MIL was in the room?

If that’s the case then YANBU. I can understand your DH wanting support and having his mum in the waiting area, but to wake up from emergency surgery gowned-up, catheterised and confused to see your MIL in the room as well... then yeah I’d be really bloody angry about it.

Chloemol · 28/02/2019 17:31

You are being unreasonable and need to get over yourself. She was there to support her son and you in traumatic circumstances. She was not to know when or indeed if you were going to wake up. She left as soon as she could, having made sure you, the children and her son were ok. Same for the other members of the family. It’s normal for family to turn up to support other family members in such circumstances. Stop being so precious about not wanting her to see you at your worst. She would have just been grateful you all survived

Original poster

Seline · 28/02/2019 17:31

This whole thing about not wanting people to see you without armour is your issue that you need to work through.,

Why? Why is it an issue? Surley people should just respect people's boundaries.

OP posts:

Oswin · 28/02/2019 17:31

Avery why did they need to be in the recovery room while op came round to support him? She wasn't going to die at this point she was safe. So why couldn't she have waited in the waiting room.why does his need for support come above the patients need for privacy.

Laiste · 28/02/2019 17:32

Imagine a man having issues from his experience with recovering from major surgery being told it's not about him ...

OP i have 4 kids and the eldest is 26 now. I still remember how i felt about certain things which occurred at the birth and after i got home. It still upsets me if i dwell on it from that long ago . Don't feel wrong for ''still'' being upset at 4 months postpartum!!! It's so recent.

I would take pp's advice and look into counceling/debriefing from the hospital. If someone could tell you that normal procedures were not adhered to in allowing people into your recovery room other than those named on your birth plan, and apologise, then perhaps this will settle you a little?

SarahSissions · 28/02/2019 17:33

I think it is more than reasonable in being upset about them being in the room with you. If they are there to support your DH, that's absolutely fine but they should wait in the waiting room and give you the space you need.
At the end of the day you are the priority here- yes other people and your DH should be taken into consideration- but really, what you want does over-rule on this occasion

SpanielEars070 · 28/02/2019 17:35

Another MIL bashing thread. God forbid that your DH needed his Mum for some moral support. Just as you did.

GnomeDePlume · 28/02/2019 17:36

But I would say that sleeping & coming round from anesthesia are private things. If MiL was in the waiting room that is where she should have stayed. If DH wanted support he could step have stepped out to the waiting room.

lilybetsy · 28/02/2019 17:36

what do you want to happen This situation arose, you cant change it, what do you want to happen now ? You are ruminating, try to focus on the outcome you want

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