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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry that someone came to my birth when I didn't want them to?

999 replies

Seline · 28/02/2019 16:50

Had an emergency cesarean under very traumatic circumstances during which I nearly died and so did my twins. The whole night was horrendous. When I woke up from my cesarean, my mother in law was there. I felt hurt and confused and didn't know what was going on.

She didn't stay long but she also had my brother and sister in law (adults not children or teens) in the waiting room. As soon as DH had text her to say "She's been rushed to theatre" she just decided to turn up with them.

Four months later I'm still angry about this. Am I being unfair?

OP posts:
Original poster
Seline · 28/02/2019 17:45

DH was shellshocked and had no idea what was happening. I don't blame him for this at all. I blame her for even thinking that it was okay.

OP posts:
Amy326 · 28/02/2019 17:45

I understand where you’re coming from OP, I wouldn’t like this either and I do get on with my MIL. It would feel invasive when you’re at your most vulnerable. Also if you were asleep does that mean she saw the babies before you did? That would upset me a lot.

Maybe83 · 28/02/2019 17:46

I think your reaction is quite extreme and probably down to the lack of control you feel about what happened to you.

I think its pretty normal that in a literal potential life and death situation family and I would consider my in laws family would attend a hospital to be honest.

My dh would be devasted if something were to happen to me or our children and would want his mother there. As I would want mine.

Have you considered counselling to help support you through this all?

Oswin · 28/02/2019 17:46

So If the dh had a serious operation and requested no one but his mother and wife to be there. And he comes round and his mil is right there the first face he saw. Would that be ok?
Course it wouldn't. But then he's a man. He's entitled to medical privacy.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 28/02/2019 17:46

I’m sorry OP, I now know it’s you, you need help, and help fast.

You have a real hatered for your MIL and your DH family.

Your putting your dh is a horrendous position and mkig him choose between you and his family, it’s all about what you want.

You will easily have your own mother at your property but your dh family have to jump through loops to see their grandchildren.

It’s been several months and your posted umpteen threads on the same issue, please seek help!!

Lamby80 · 28/02/2019 17:46

I understand why you are angry but it seems like your MIL was respecting your wishes to not be at the hospital until your DH text her to say you were rushed into theatre, as per your original post. If my DS said that, I would also go to the hospital to support him. Your DH should have been more assertive and not let her in the room if he knew how much you would want your privacy.

Billben · 28/02/2019 17:47

I’m with you OP. I would have absolutely hated this. I would not have wanted anybody in that room other than medical staff and DH.

Original poster
Seline · 28/02/2019 17:48

I'm not sure why some posters seem to think it's appropriate to imply there's something wrong with me because I'm pissed off about my boundaries not being respected.

I forgot women who speak out about things they're upset about are hysterical or melodramatic. Hmm

OP posts:
ThroughThickAndThin01 · 28/02/2019 17:49

I think you’re being unfair.

pallisers · 28/02/2019 17:50

And if you're the kind of person that freaks out whenever people see you in somewhat of a vulnerable position then that is something that you need to deal with.

Somewhat of a vulnerable position??? She was coming around from anaesthetic following an emergency operation in which she almost died, having delivered twins whose health status she didn't yet know. She was bleeding, probably still couldn't feel her legs, feeling a great deal of pain, to say nothing of the emotional stuff. I'd love to know what you define as "a very vulnerable position".

Bluestitch · 28/02/2019 17:50

To me, this is all about 'man as active agent, whose feelings matter' and 'woman as object, defined in relation to a man' (his wife, he needed support - no, a person and patient, needing dignity and care).

Spot on.

jobobpip08 · 28/02/2019 17:50

OP I'm with you, I'd have hated that too.

IvanaPee · 28/02/2019 17:50

I wouldn’t have liked it but she was only there because he let her. I get what you’re saying but if he wasn’t too shocked to tell her then he wasn’t too shocked to say “please wait out here, mum” in the waiting room!

Maybe83 · 28/02/2019 17:51

No your dh wasn't having surgery but he was facing potentially losing his wife and children.

Your mother was facing losing her daughter and grandchildren and your MIL facing losing a daughter in law and her grandchildren.

A pebble thrown in a lake creates a ripple and all that.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 28/02/2019 17:52

No one has said your hysterical or melodramatiyou’ve also got repeated form of this made up nonsense

You’ve posted several threads on the same issue and continually rehash the same issue, your feelings of your dh family are extreme in some of the comments you made towards them.

Bananasarenottheonlyfruit · 28/02/2019 17:52

I don't know the back story here. But you say your mum and DH were also in the room but standing back because they know you like space. I have to use a well worn MN phrase and suggest that what you have here is a DH problem. He could have asked his mum to be further back (or outside the room) to give you space. He didn't. And the hospital staff weren't going to know your views on this point.

Purplespup16 · 28/02/2019 17:52

Seline,

I have also had a horrific birth of my oldest. I actually had to be resuscitated. So I do understand the range of fear, anger and uncertainty that you must be feeling.

First thing that came to me was a memory of the months after. I felt angry at relatively small moments. It was how my brain was processing the pain and fear of everything that happened. So it would I would project anger of the entire situation onto things that really wouldn’t have made me angry. Does that make sense? It was because I couldn’t face the entirety of what happened so I focused on small things.

I needed help working through all the anger and fear I felt. I even considered suicide at one point. 😔 I was suffering from Post Traumatic Stress and everyone kept telling me I was fine, my baby was fine what happened during didn’t matter anymore. It did though, it mattered to me. It’s been nearly 17 years and every year his birthday is bitter sweet.

Be gentle on your DH please. It was until 13 years later was my DH able to tell me how it effected him. He couldn’t do anything, his wife was in surgery his baby was well and he just wanted us together. When I was in ICU he was torn he wanted to be with me and our baby at the same time. He couldn’t, he was sleep deprived hadn’t eaten in days and it was his mum that he needed. She sat with me so he could eat, you see the thought of me being on my own really upset him. I’m tearing up just remembering now!

I won’t tell you to let those little things go as I know you can’t, it’s ok to feel upset over your birth. Try and get your GP to refer you to counciling ask for someone who deals with PTSD/and or births.

SleightOfMind · 28/02/2019 17:52

I’m very fond of DH’s family but would be horrified to come round from a GA for a routine procedure and find them in the room with me.
Let alone a traumatic emergency operation to save my life.

YANBU but definitely need to find a way to let this go, for your own sake.
Have you spoken to DH about it? What has he said?

Petalflowers · 28/02/2019 17:53

I agree with you. I wouldn’t like my mil in the room either. It was a private event between you and your husband, and not for all and sundry. I wouldn’t have wanted anyone until I felt ready to see them either.

LIZS · 28/02/2019 17:54

It was up to dh to enforce the boundaries while you were unable to. Circumstances may unfortunately have confused your plans. He may have simply been too shocked to do so and presumably hospital staff thought it was ok. Mil wanted to see gc and check all was ok. Have you had an opportunity to talk it through with a midwife counsellor as the whole experience sounds traumatic.

Bananasarenottheonlyfruit · 28/02/2019 17:54

Your DH should have been advocating for you and your needs at that time. He is the one who let you down, not your MIL.

AlexaAmbidextra · 28/02/2019 17:56

Well from the title of this thread I assumed that you meant actually with you while you were giving birth. She was in the bloody waiting room, not hovering over the operating table. Stop being ridiculous.

JRMisOdious · 28/02/2019 17:56

Forgive me, I’m slightly confused I think. She wasn’t actually there, at the birth? She was there in the private room when you recovered?
She was there mainly to support your husband I think, who had just faced the prospect of his wife and children dying. I know how that feels (reversed, my husband was at death’s door) I didn’t have any support,which was horrible.
His brother and sister were there for him too but in the waiting room so a complete non-issue.
You were probably being over-sensitive at the time but still confused and scared so not that surprising. I think YAB a bit U to still be festering about it months later.

CandyflossKing · 28/02/2019 17:56

YANBU. My dm went to the hospital to be there for db when sil had an emergency cesarean. She was in the waiting room and not in the room when sil woke up!

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 28/02/2019 17:57

“Your DH should have been advocating for you and your needs at that time. He is the one who let you down, not your MIL.”

I think that being very harsh on the Dh hes an angel going by the other threads he also had a traumatic time, and also needed support.

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