Death announcements in the paper - who was BU?

[GraceMarks]

Sorry for a slightly morbid topic, but I recently had an experience where the mother of a friend of mine died unexpectedly and she and her sisters had to suddenly sort out all the various arrangements for the funeral and notifying banks, utility providers, etc etc. It was a very stressful time with an awful lot to think about.

A couple of weeks later, I was talking to my own mum and she happened to mention that she had been "looking out for the death announcement" in the local paper, but hadn't seen one and wondered if my friend knew that this was something that people are supposed to do. I asked my mum why she actually needed to see a death announcement at all, given that she already knew that my friend's mother had died, and surely anyone who is particularly interested or who knows the person who has died would have found out through friends, family etc. She got a bit huffy then and muttered something about tradition and etiquette. She seemed to be implying that my friend had made a kind of faux-pas by not announcing her mum's death, on top of all the other things she had to sort out.

Is this really something people still do, or is my mum being hopelessly old-fashioned? Just wondering what the norm is where other people come from!

Webuiltthisbuffet......no they weren't....I dont recall anyone mentioning the UK at all. The thread just seemed to be all about Ireland all of a sudden, and I was curious why as the OP hadn't mentioned a specific country.

Fair enough; I think that it seems to be generally assumed on MN, though, that people are from the UK by default, as the majority user-base, so I presume the Irish posters were specifically mentioning it for context whereas most UK posters would never think of stating that they were in the UK.

I have been to a work colleagues funeral but I didnt go to the tea afterwards as I would have felt I was intruding. When DM died people turned up to the service but only close family went to the cemetery, luckily the service room was big enough as there weren’t that many extra people there than the family and close friends. Usually when people are old a lot of their friends are dead anyway.

I put a notice in the local paper about dh's death because I was haunted by the idea that people would accuse me of controlling information about him. It was a pain in the bum but I suppose not worse than the 300 other things that I had to do. I retain the vague idea that it is correct to announce it in the paper but balked at paying 100s to a national. I just wish the FD had focused less on proofs for the announcement and more on the things I actually wanted them to do which never happened.

well...perhaps they should. That's my point. I just find it slightly not right that people put their views on others

Well I would in the uk.

But not in Ireland because it’s just not how it’s done here and people would look at me as if I’d two aheads.

Cultural norms in different countries can vary wildly. I’d always be guided by those who grown up in the country and know the unwritten rules. I’m certainly not going to be guided by the opinion of a non Irish person about what I should do in my own country.

I think Ireland has been talked about on this thread because it has a very strong and established etiquette around death. Irish posters are drawn to this kind of topic.

Sorry if it’s derailing.

Why would you have thought of them though?

We wouldn’t have, that’s the point.

People who know her years ago like former colleagues and shop assistants aren't exactly friends are they?

They weren’t close friends, but why does that mean they don’t get the chance to pay their respects if they want to do that?

They shared experiences with my aunt, had memories of her that we didn’t know about and were delighted to hear, they had a laugh with her. I’m pleased they got a chance to say goodbye. My aunt would have been touched by their presence.

tansplained

I’ve never heard this term before and it’s brilliant.

Very relevant to the brexit situation too what with the rabid brexiteers telling us we should leave too.

No fucking thank you.

LaurieMarlow.....I think you may have misunderstood my point. I'm not trying to tell others what they should do....merely pointing out that what you might believe to be the status quo in Ireland might not be what the next person believes to be the status quo. I wouldn't dream of saying a blanket "In Wales everyone does this". As you can't begin to know everyone's opinion or what they want to do. There might be quite a few people in Ireland who don't want their funeral to be open season.

LaurieMarlow I didn't start the thread with the intention of criticising anyone else's way of doing things and I am interested to hear about other people's traditions. I just had my doubts that death announcements were the norm where I live (northern England) because my mum isn't the most reliable source. She has a broad streak of snobbishness and can be so old-fashioned it verges on the offensive (she refers to children born to unmarried parents as "bastards" and can't understand why it's not a nice thing to say, or why "illegitimate" isn't really much better). So I was just curious to know what other people did.

A previous poster mentioning the "comedy" aspect reminded me of this as seen in our local paper:

The trumpets sounded loud and clear,
The angels all said come,
Uplifted were the Pearly Gates,
And in walked Mum

My dad died last year....it didn't occur to us to put it in the local paper.
He was 80 but of his friends the same age, none of them would have looked in there anyway. I don't think they even get the local paper! My mum doesn't do tech but she doesn't look at funeral notices either.

a pp said that we shouldn't control who attends the funeral - I couldn't disagree more. His circle got the news out rapidly via social media and personal calls and emails. His funeral was overwhelmingly well attended.

one of his friends very kindly organised the funeral so mum and I didn't have to do more than choose coffin and clothes etc. That friend didn't say anything to us about a notice in the paper either, so another person in that age group who didn't think it was needed.

It's just reminded me of a colleague who insisted till she was blue in the face that "all girls love horses"! She literally believed it to be true because she loved horses and some of her friends love horses. She couldn't entertain the fact that some might not. It's a bit like the poster on here adamanent that you actively must do a funeral posting as "everyone does it"!

what you might believe to be the status quo in Ireland might not be what the next person believes to be the status quo

I’m describing the general cultural norms to you.

It’s entirely possible to define prevailing cultural norms without suggesting that everyone feels exactly the same way.

I’ve already described the provision for those who don’t want an ‘all comers’ funeral. It will be catered to in a very specific way.

You on the other hand, are telling people from a culture that you aren’t personally familiar with what they ‘maybe should do’ and suggesting that change is desirable. That’s arrogant.

I’ve been to a few funerals in the UK. I’ve asked others what’s expected of me and abided by that.

Laurie and others are describing widespread and long-entrenched Irish cultural norms from within that culture, not making prescriptive generalisations, like ‘All girls love ponies’.

The Tansplaining is strong tonight.

I have put death announcements in local papers for my Father/Fil/Mil & husband's nan.
We were also asked by funeral directors if we wanted them to place an announcement on our behalf.

It is probably just a tradition and, although we automatically contacted family and close friends in person, we still placed announcements.

Even if someone was just, say, a former neighbour or colleague or school friend and no longer in contact, they may be interested to know about the passing. They presumably wouldn't be their FB friends.

That said, I never buy the local paper so don't look at the obits.

My lovely mum put an ‘f’ next to everyone in her contacts books who she wanted to be invited to the memorial. Took me a while to understand what the ‘f’ (actually ansquiggle I couldn’t quite make out ) stood for as I was phoning people who I knew should be invited. Then it dawned on me. Love her for doing that ! There were a few ‘f’s which she had then crossed out ?!

Laurie...you have no idea where I am from or what cultural norms I am familiar with, so it is you that is being arrogant here, not I. I merely don't think you can talk on behalf of all Ireland.

I have a strange tale with involved an obituary. Now ex H DF passed away a few years back (when we were sttill together) and the family put an announcement in the local paper.
A few years pass (we were separated by this point) and ex says that he and his mum want to honour his dad. The date he choose was 4 days later than the actual anniversary. I say , but your dad died on 11th. No he didn't says ex, he died on the 15th. So I add, but his obituary was in the paper on the 13th saying he died on the 11th. They can't have known two before when he was going to die. Eventually ex says that the 15th means something - not sure what.
I don't quite get how the "despised" ex wife / DIL (ie me) know when ex FIL died but the people who loved him don't.

And Laurie....you could say "this is what I believe to be the general cultural norm", not an absolute this is how the whole Country does it, which to me might not be right as you seem to be speaking for everyone. It just didn't sit right with me, but will agree to disagree.

Laurie...you have no idea where I am from or what cultural norms I am familiar with, so it is you that is being arrogant here

Nope. It's definitely you.

Tabby - you are being (unintentionally i’m sure) hilarious. Ireland has a very strong culture around funerals - my mother says it’s a national pastime. As others have pointed out we have a Website entirely dedicated to deaths. We have death announcements on local radio. If your neighbour’s third cousin’s sister-in-law dies you go to the funeral.....even if it is an hours drive away.

Saying all girls like ponies is entirely different to describing the cultural norms around death.

But.... It is how the whole country does it, tho?

I mean, she's right, like?

I think people don't understand the food aspect and how we don't mind all and sundry coming to our funerals. For a popular person in the community, you order food for 75. For a regular person, you order food for 40, and for a very quiet person indeed, or an elderly person who will have a small funeral, it's usually back to the house for tea and sandwiches cos less than 40 isn't worth getting a room for. It's done in a smallish reception room at a hotel which will fit

I went through a period where I got to know the undertaker by first name, I saw him so often. All deaths were announced in the local daily paper, organised by the undertaker and wording agreed by the family. People from years ago attended as well as very distant family. Even my colleagues travelled several hours to support me. The 'do' afterwards was at a local pub or hotel who kept up with the sandwiches and took the drams of whisky around.

I've been to many funerals here in Scotland and the practice seems much the same at all of them. It's pretty normal for several work colleagues of the bereaved to attend as a mark of respect too.

I am in England and have went to two ex colleagues funerals.

Please can you all stop having a go at each other? It's really bloody depressing me.