Death announcements in the paper - who was BU?

[GraceMarks]

Sorry for a slightly morbid topic, but I recently had an experience where the mother of a friend of mine died unexpectedly and she and her sisters had to suddenly sort out all the various arrangements for the funeral and notifying banks, utility providers, etc etc. It was a very stressful time with an awful lot to think about.

A couple of weeks later, I was talking to my own mum and she happened to mention that she had been "looking out for the death announcement" in the local paper, but hadn't seen one and wondered if my friend knew that this was something that people are supposed to do. I asked my mum why she actually needed to see a death announcement at all, given that she already knew that my friend's mother had died, and surely anyone who is particularly interested or who knows the person who has died would have found out through friends, family etc. She got a bit huffy then and muttered something about tradition and etiquette. She seemed to be implying that my friend had made a kind of faux-pas by not announcing her mum's death, on top of all the other things she had to sort out.

Is this really something people still do, or is my mum being hopelessly old-fashioned? Just wondering what the norm is where other people come from!

TBH I think that is a pretty horrible attitude. Funerals are for the living, to grieve the dead. And I don't think anyone has the right to decide who has the right to remember and grieve someone.

If I'm organising a funeral then I decide who is there and who isn't. I don't want to be surrounded by strangers at my mother's funeral. Anybody who doesn't like it can bugger off.

My in-laws had announcements in the national press - just something people of their age/background would want. My grandparents had announcements in the local press - completely normal and they would have expected it.

If the goal is to reach as many people as possible, the local newspaper seems the least likely method to be useful. When my mom died at age 69 we spread the word via email and Facebook. She and her friends all traveled regularly and did not all live in the same town. We had to rely on word of mouth.

I actually got my dad to make me a list of who to contact when he dies. This isn’t entirely morbid. He was making a list of all his finances, accounts and passwords so I have it if he is incapacitated or dies. I suggested he add his address book to the file.

" alright, no need to so inexplicably furious about it"
Ummm ok..... I am not furious at all. It seems you have issues with people who have different opinions. And I know it was your friend, I never said it was you! All I was that it is step one of planning a service. Which it is. First step is funeral notice. That is how it works. Sorry you didn't understand that, and sorry that you took my reply so personally.

We didn’t put my stepdads recent sudden death in the funeral announcements. His death was reported in the local papers though so most people would have seen it anyway.

If I'm organising a funeral then I decide who is there and who isn't. I don't want to be surrounded by strangers at my mother's funeral

I do find this attitude a bit alien.

It’s not about you, it’s about her. What about the people whose lives she touched that you know nothing about?

Alsohuman....£300 Might be peanuts to you but not to a lot of people. The cost of the whole funeral and any costs of funeral announcements comes out of the amount of money left to family, so family can chose not to do it if they want to.

BrizzleMint - you sounds charming

If you are arranging a funeral, wouldn't you want all friends of the deceased to be welcome, not just the ones you know personally?

My parents have a huge number of acquaintances/friends through hobbies, volunteering etc. I've not met the majority of these people but I can't imagine dismissing them as 'strangers' just because I don't know them.

I've been to the funeral recently of a chap I knew through a sport, lots of us from the club went to his funeral. His wife didn't know any of us but was very grateful to know he was so well liked and thanked us all for attending.

LaurieMarlow....those people can grieve somewhere else...just because the deceased might have touched their lives, doesn't mean they need to come to the funeral and incur extra costs. Whilst I get people wanting to pay their respects there is something about thinking to yourself did family want you there?

I trained as a newspaper reporter in the 1980s and was instructed that one of the best ways to get a good story was to check out the death notices being placed for the next day. Ones about accidents, sudden deaths etc that we might not hear about during daily calls to police, fire or inquests.

There was a song was out at the time - Dirty Laundry. “It’s interesting when people die,” as it observes.

I do find this attitude a bit alien. It’s not about you, it’s about her. What about the people whose lives she touched that you know nothing about

People who I know nothing about are hardly likely to be her close friends. We live in a small place and people who matter will hear about it. Most of her friends have already died - in recent years she seemed to be at a funeral most months.

I can't imagine dismissing them as 'strangers' just because I don't know them.

You don't know them yet they aren't strangers? Ok then. I bet you are one of those people who think that strangers are just friends you haven't met yet?

I am rather charming yes, thanks for the compliment.

those people can grieve somewhere else

But there’s a good chance they won’t even know.

Just because the deceased might have touched their lives, doesn't mean they need to come to the funeral and incur extra costs.

As I’ve said upthread, I’m irish and the mentality here is that all are welcome to the funeral. I appreciate that cultural norms are different elsewhere.

People who I know nothing about are hardly likely to be her close friends

They don’t have to be close friends to want to remember her and pay respects.

My godmother/aunt died very recently and among the people who turned up to her funeral were two old work colleagues from years back and a lady who worked in M&S where my aunt was a regular. We wouldn’t have thought of them in a million years.

It was lovely to hear their stories about my aunt and their fond memories of her. I’m so glad they came.

LaurieMarlow.....But you still don't 100% know that the family want the masses to turn up. Just because you are from Ireland and you think that's the norm there, I still don't think that's a blanket agreement everyone has made over there. I think you might have to accept that some people in Ireland might think differently. If I wanted to go to a funeral, I would check it was ok first....at least then they get an idea of numbers for catering.

When a relative died recently the funeral director asked whether we’d like an announcement in the paper. We asked her advice and she said the best way of getting word out is on social media, and did we really know anyone who reads the local paper? She was saying in not so many words that lots of people do it because it’s tradition and feels proper / important to them (was my interpretation of it).

Things have changed in my lifetime. I still remember my nanna sitting down to pore over the obituaries with a running commentary of “ooh, Beryl from down the road, she’s gone.” Etc etc . It’s weird, it seemed like a fun pastime to her???

Just because you are from Ireland and you think that's the norm there, I still don't think that's a blanket agreement everyone has made over there

The culture round death is very strongly entrenched here and pretty homogenous.

However I believe people do very occasionally have ‘private’ funerals which are not open to all comers. So you’d have to make an active choice to ‘opt in’ to that if you get me.

All I was that it is step one of planning a service. Which it is. First step is funeral notice. That is how it works. Sorry you didn't understand that, and sorry that you took my reply so personally.

That's still quite patronising - just because it's commonly done doesn't make anybody who decides not to do it officially 'wrong'. It's by no means an essential element like registering the death or arranging the burial/cremation of the body.

If you had friends in a very long-term relationship who told you that they were going to get married - just the two of them in their jeans at the register office, asking a couple of passers-by to witness it, purely for tax/admin reasons and financial protection purposes....

....would you start 'informing' them of all the big traditions that the majority of people choose for their weddings and tell them how much you pitied them for their lack of basic knowledge that this is 'just what you do'?

Or would you just accept that people are all different and respect their individual choices for themselves?

Think the older generations still set great store by the hatches matched and despatched columns.

LunafortJest I understood it fine, I just don't agree. I've been to funerals which weren't announced in the paper, so clearly it isn't an essential part of the process. It is an option that the funeral director offers and you can do it or not do it. It might be traditional but it's not mandatory, and it seems from the rest of the thread that it's becoming increasingly less common.

If I wanted to go to a funeral, I would check it was ok first....at least then they get an idea of numbers for catering.

People wouldn’t ask permission here. But they wouldn’t necessarily go to the ‘do’ afterwards. That would depend on what the family had arranged.

As long as your mum doesn't bother the family about it, I don't think either is BU. For some, it's an important tradition and may be surprised or sad at not seeing it or being able to have that. For others, it's not and the family can choose however they want to deal with it. Much like some funerals have...the actual word escapes me and google is not helping, but memorial tribute cards that mourners can take with them and some don't.

Personally, I've kept the obituaries and memorial tribute cards from my family members and I am a bit sad about those I don't have any final item from. I'm not mad and I don't think closer members should be bothered about it, it's just nice to have.

I'm very grateful that my grandfather's church now maintains obituaries of members and a bit sad my grandmother passed years before they went online. I get what some are saying about strangers, that I imagine would be very personal to the individuals and communities involved, but family can also be left out if the person arranging it has issues with other family members. I literally found out about my grandfather death and funeral through that online obituary and I'm not the only family my mother decided didn't deserve a place there (which, as my grandfather was mostly Irish and spent years trying to get her to mend bridges with the rest of us...it just made things even more awkward). Deaths (along with the hatching and matchings) tend to bring up all sorts of emotions and family issues that won't nicely fit into an expected pattern.

Yes people do it

It's not etiquette as such but back in the day it was the only way other than word of mouth to let people know about the death

Now we do it on social media more and more

I think your Mum is right for her generation

Why is everyone focussing on Ireland?

You could equally ask why people were focussing on the UK up to the point that Ireland was first mentioned

Mumsnet, whilst UK-based, is a popular site among people from across the world.

Ireland is a part of the world.

As a Brit, I for one am very interested in the thoughts and experiences of Irish MNers (along with those of other nationalities) and find it fascinating to learn that, although the UK & RoI share a similar culture in many respects, in other things, there are such markedly distinctive differences.

All I was that it is step one of planning a service. Which it is. First step is funeral notice. That is how it works. Sorry you didn't understand that, and sorry that you took my reply so personally.

It's passive agressive, rather than patronising, I think.

It's a case of a person confusing their own opinion with fact. There is an ellipsis, I think. It should read "that's how I think it should work and I'm going to judge anybody who doesn't agree".