Death announcements in the paper - who was BU?

[GraceMarks]

Sorry for a slightly morbid topic, but I recently had an experience where the mother of a friend of mine died unexpectedly and she and her sisters had to suddenly sort out all the various arrangements for the funeral and notifying banks, utility providers, etc etc. It was a very stressful time with an awful lot to think about.

A couple of weeks later, I was talking to my own mum and she happened to mention that she had been "looking out for the death announcement" in the local paper, but hadn't seen one and wondered if my friend knew that this was something that people are supposed to do. I asked my mum why she actually needed to see a death announcement at all, given that she already knew that my friend's mother had died, and surely anyone who is particularly interested or who knows the person who has died would have found out through friends, family etc. She got a bit huffy then and muttered something about tradition and etiquette. She seemed to be implying that my friend had made a kind of faux-pas by not announcing her mum's death, on top of all the other things she had to sort out.

Is this really something people still do, or is my mum being hopelessly old-fashioned? Just wondering what the norm is where other people come from!

It’s in the local paper here, and in local shop windows - the village shop, the florists, the butchers...(I always find the latter a bit ).

No one would ask permission to attend. If the announcement says ‘Friends please accept this intimation and invitation’ then you go. If it says ‘Private funeral. Please accept this intimation’ then you don’t go (but would still send a card)

And it’s on the funeral directors website too.

When I lived in the city, we used to check the Evening News’ announcements to see if any of our regular patients had passed away. (There were some patients who we might have attended their funeral if we’d known them a while)

My godmother/aunt died very recently and among the people who turned up to her funeral were two old work colleagues from years back and a lady who worked in M&S where my aunt was a regular. We wouldn’t have thought of them in a million years.

Why would you have thought of them though? People who know her years ago like former colleagues and shop assistants aren't exactly friends are they?

My mother used to call all and sundry her friends but at the same time had nobody she could pick up the phone and call if there was a problem except for me,

"People wouldn't ask permission here"..well...perhaps they should. That's my point. I just find it slightly not right that people put their views on others...things like "That's what we do here". No it isn't. Some people in a country might think differently. That's how things change. People having different opinions. I wouldn't dream of saying a whole country does this..or that..

Webuiltthisbuffet......no they weren't....I dont recall anyone mentioning the UK at all. The thread just seemed to be all about Ireland all of a sudden, and I was curious why as the OP hadn't mentioned a specific country.

I think its still the norm around me, its an easy way of getting word out so that any who wish to come to the funeral etc have the chance and I think I'd do it (were my head together enough to think of it) with any family members of mine

It's definitely not the norm among people I know. Interesting that it's still done though. I would never think to read those announcements in the paper.

Is this really something people still do, or is my mum being hopelessly old-fashioned? Just wondering what the norm is where other people come from! Where I live it's de rigeur. Announcements in the local paper and or national paper. Notices in the undertaker and newsagent's window.

It used to be a thing, I remember my mum doing it when my dad died (37 years ago). I do know however that it is very much the done thing in Scotland (and no doubt other places). My brother lost his wife 4 years ago and it was in the Greenock Tele within 48 hours.

rip.ie is the homepage on my elderly aunt's laptop

After Ryanair it must be one of the most visited Irish websites!

The character whose name I borrowed was Irish, but I myself am not. It is interesting to hear how people do things elsewhere, but the Irish attitude towards death and funerals is completely different to that of the English, I think. At most funerals I've been to, there's an air of slight awkwardness that the family went for the bog-standard religious ceremony because they didn't have the mental energy to do anything else, and now they're a bit embarrassed about all the hymns and mentions of God because none of them actually believes, and the deceased hadn't been in a church for decades.

My mum is nearly 70, and she would absolutely expect a death announcement to be put in the local paper. She also put announcements in for my 21st, marriage, and all my kids. I live miles away! For me, nope not a thing I would do.

My job is to arrange preplanned funerals for independent funeral directors. A notice in the newspaper is something that a lot of older people still plan for.

However this is moving online with a lot of FD's starting to trial Facebook and Email announcements as less and less people read traditional newspapers

I see someone has Tansplained how the Irish funeral traditions should be changed. We'll be sure to take that on board I'm sure.

Fwiw, I will probably end up doing announcements for my parents because it would be what they would want, and I don't suppose I would be worried about anyone just turning up at the funeral if they wanted to. It's usually the funeral tea that you keep for family and friends only, isn't it?

where I live, the local paper is monthly, so funeral notices would be a bit late- more than 3 days from death to burial is rare. The relative who recently died had two services (one in his home parish and one in ours, where he wanted to be buried) so it was 5 days, but that's unusual .
It's quite common for details of the funeral to be announced on the radio, which would probably seem odd in other places, but it seems to work. But for the most part, news is spread by gossip and church announcements. I've never had to arrange a funeral on the mainland, but I believe there can be quite a gap between death and burial/cremation. That gives more time to consider notices and other details, but must be a terrible strain. I found the waiting time before the funeral to be the worst part of the whole process.

We did them for my mum and dad, bless them.
I can remember my mum joking with me and saying this is what they bought a paper for. If her name wasn't there when she got up, she'd have a cup of tea and go back to bed

@LunafortJest - at his request there was no funeral for my dad. I used direct disposal and these would not normally be attended by anyone, not even me. I just rang or emailed everyone to let them know he'd died (and asked a couple of people to forward the news to some others).

I live in the Highlands and it’s still very much the norm here to have a death notice in the paper. Our local one is published twice a week.
When dh died the funeral director asked if I wanted it to go in the paper and then they organised it.
There were quite a lot of former colleagues, old friends of ours that had lost touch, band mates, and even ex workmates of mine who came to the funeral who I would otherwise have had no way of contacting.
Dh was only 49 when he died but had been in a nursing home for over 10 years....so understandably I wasn’t sure if there would be that many people at his funeral.
I was incredibly touched that literally hundreds of people were there, and had thought enough of him to want to pay their respects to him and grieve with me and our sons. It meant, and still means, a great deal to me.
I suspect that perhaps the Celtic connection means that funerals here are more similar to Irish ones than those conducted in the South of England.

My father put a notice in when my Mum died but I suspect this will run out of fashion in our generation of social media.

If I wanted to go to a funeral, I would check it was ok first....at least then they get an idea of numbers for catering. you don’t have to provide catering for everyone who turns up, when DM had her funeral only close family and friends stopped for the catering, likewise at my DGFs only close family and friends went back for sandwiches etc. Usually people just attend the service if they see it in the paper.

Some people still do it but it seems unnecessary to me as we now live in a time of social media, texting etc.

I would presume if people turned up for the funeral, they might do the same for the family tea. Lots of funerals are in crematoriums these days, if more people turn up than expected, what happens if the room is too small?

MrsJayy £100 may not seem a lot of money for you, but we couldn't see the point in spending that amount of money for a few lines in a newspaper that most people don't take, we preferred to put it towards giving my dad a good send off with a get together at his wake, I know he would have appreciated that much more. It's individual choice, when I die my wishes are that there isn't a funeral, I'm having a direct cremation, no ceremony or anything, that's my wishes, I don't want money wasting on a funeral, I'd rather it go to do some good for my son.

Our countywide paper is still very popular. Not many birth or Marriage announcements are in it anymore, I think because they happen to mainly younger people who use social media for announcements. Death announcements still take up a couple of pages each week. It’s a way of notifying people of the death and funeral arrangements, if no arrangements yet made then funeral director details to contact them rather than family.

My parents are in their 70’s and always check it. They will attend funerals of people they went to school with, worked with or socialised with as well as old neighbours. I think maybe it is a recent concept to only attend the funeral of family or a close friend rather than to pay your respects to the deceased and their nearest and dearest. It may be an old fashioned idea but you don’t need an invite to attend a funeral.

Traditions change but for a lot of older people who don’t use social media then a newspaper announcement is important. I know my parents will want their deaths announced in the local paper.

Tabby, locally it’s the norm to attend the funeral if you were an acquaintance etc of the deceased or their relative, but if you’re not a friend of the deceased (or close friend of their relative) then you wouldn’t intrude on the refreshments part. If you’re a friend of the family and decide to attend after the funeral but you then find it very busy then you’d usually politely excuse yourself.