Standard MN replies...

[STOPSCRATCHINGTHECRADLECAP]

-Wow. You've got too much time on your hands if that's all you've got to worry about.

-LTB

• You sound like hard work

• You're over reacting [about absolutely anything].

• wow. Just wow.

-this has been done before (as will this thread have been).

Anymore standard replies?
I see at least one on every single thread.
It's as though there has to be a Standard Arsehold reply.

Any others?

The snarky Do You Often response, e.g "Do you often berate complete strangers in Asda?"

*On wedding threads

‘People say to this day say mine was the best wedding they have ever been to’*

Oh, yeah. 'I had a multi-day destination childfree wedding abroad and everyone said it was a highlight of their lives and the best ever and it's just an honour to be invited to these things to share in the joy so you should feel flattered you were invited!' Or 'People say we had the best speeches ever.'

Have yet to meet anyone who gives a rat's arse about the fucking speeches.

I hate the expression “boils my piss”, haven’t heard it outside of MN

OP “My child is being bullied because they have ham sandwiches not chicken - any tips on how I approach the school?”

Answer “a ham sandwich really isn’t that nutritious OP, does it at least have salad and are you adding a piece of fruit?”

Penguin Bollards.

Where's the diagram? You know the rules.

I, along with everybody else in the world with at least half a brain, would have done this completely differently in every way from how you've handled it.
But never mind - You be You.

Haven't RTFT, but has anybody mentioned Penguin Bollards yet?

Speak to your Union. The standard MN response to any employment issue. I’ve worked for 40 years and have never been in one or know anyone who is.

Oh I was about to post about this exact thing - I heard the best real-life response to 'Did you mean to be so rude?' from a woman on the tube this morning.

It was 'Yeah I did, you f@@@ing ugly c@@@, and if you don't like it you can get off the f@@@ing train'.

The Northern line was particularly fraught this morning!

I would like to hold my boyfriends hand, what should I do?

Shouldn’t this be moved to the sex board??

Why would you want to look like a child/you're only doing to please men/it's because of porn - to anyone asking about pube removal (not me obviously.)

I loathe this too. I have never seen a grown woman with shaved pubes, look like a child. I have also never known any woman do it 'just for her man!' She does it because she feels better/cleaner for it, and frankly, sex (especially oral) feels better.

Also get pissed off with posters claiming they have never heard of a certain VERY famous celebrity. (Ant and Dec? Who are they? I don't watch telly. I don't even have one...)

Also hate people saying 'you sound angry' to anyone who has a passionate or full-on opinion about something. Very patronising and condescending. They may as well say 'calm down dear, you sound hysterical.'

Also hate people saying 'namechange for this, but penis beaker, cancel the cheque, naice ham, tiny, elderly Korean lady ... '

Why don't you just move house?

Yes, because it's just so easy to pack up and move when you have problem neighbours etc. Obviously you just go, no notice needed if renting, no estate agents, solicitors, surveys, mortgages etc to sort. Just go!

Tinkly laugh? Thankfully I’ve never before seen these words appear on this site. Seriously – yuck!

Must admit I quite like ‘not my circus, not my monkeys’. A friend of mine had a much more succinct way of putting it that I preferred, though. He called it ‘another fucker’s shit’.

‘You have a DH problem’ isn’t a Mumsnet exclusive: It’s a Reddit staple!

Ones I’ve noticed that do seem to be Mumsnet-specific: ‘goady’, ‘grabby’ and ‘judgy pants’. Oh, and ‘I’ve found my people’. Righty-ho.

On the point of ‘people say mine was the best wedding they’ve ever been to’ – they don’t say that about mine. We buggered off abroad and only 5 people came (by their own invitation, not ours, but we were delighted to have them. Combined it with a holiday in the sun). We did this precisely because his family are the sort to pull the kind of BS that’s so often complained about on this site!

Have you thought about going to church? in reply to any post about a lack of a social life. The OP could make Richard Dawkins look like the pope but it'd still be a suggestion.

Depends where you work really Maddie when I worked in the NHS I and most of m colleagues were in a union, Did works for a well known,Supermarket,and he's a union rep and most of his colleagues are in a union,

"Are you me?!"

"Can't you eke it out with some lentils?"

YY to "didn't want to read and run" but have bugger all useful to add Nobody knows you've read the thread ffs, and even if they did, does it matter that you read and ran if you have no useful input???

He's 16 and wont load the washing machine? throw him out

£20 is loads to spend on a food shop for 4 people.

Slightly odd first post.

0/10.

I would raise it with the teacher.

In any thread about children being fleetingly exposed to Christianity, have the bingo card ready for: indoctrinate, sky fairy, otherwise intelligent people, fairy stories, imaginary friend, presented as fact.

I have no idea why people spend so much money on their weddings when they could give that money to the homeless. It's just SO crude.

For my wedding we recycled bin bags into a dress and suit, got two witnesses off the street and bought vegan sausage rolls in Greggs for the reception.

“I’d go straight to the headteacher.”

My golden child only received a cursory well done for her masterpiece (Shite poem) and I feel the teacher has no understanding of her emotional needs , she has also been the unfortunate victim as her jumper is no where to be found. I feel this is entirely the teacher’s fault.

Don’t do this, you sound like a tit and everyone, teacher,headteacher,other parents and your child will despise you.

Op : Aibu to be fed up of all these scrounging wasters who don't work and live on benefits. No excuses in my opinion

Me : I'm disabled and on benefits. I was in a bad car accident caused by someone else, I've also serious mh issues that have me housebound.

Op: either disappears completely (inc name change) or "oh I don't mean GENUINE people like you"

Actually yes you do! I've had the latter response happen in real life too. Usually accompanied by stuttering and furious blushing and no I don't feel sympathy they shouldn't say something so twattish if they're gonna be embarrassed when called on it.

Butterymuffin - there's a poster that thinks that milk as a drink is only suitable for babies and toddlers, they were posting on a lot of dietary threads at one point with the most bonkers scientifically inaccurate crap about why milk is bad for you.

"I'm a bit OCD 😂" fuck! Off! There is no such thing! As a DX sufferer this is really starting to piss me off.

"It’s only fifty pound

Yes but that’s a lot of people to some . It’s a good chunk if not all of a weeks food shop to many.
A lot of mumsnet have no clue how the less wealthy live" yep the amount could be 50p it's still a lot of money if you haven't got it! However, some mners equally are bad in assuming everyone on mn is well off. I've had someone assume I was well off based on a response to a thread and really laid into me!

"You need to move to a house in the middle of a field if you can’t cope with neighbour’s noise. Yeah, we’ve all got the cash to do that." Yes as someone stuck with noisy neighbours that one irritates me too.

Massive drip feeds - I'm starting to be massively sceptical about some of these. Some it's genuinely unbelievable that they wouldn't have included such a huge, pertinent fact in the op.

Mental illness as an excuse for shitty behaviour.

Paedophilia being equated with being homosexual I also hate.

"He/she is an adult so you shouldn't give a shit - to any issue about DC age 18+ ." Yep. I didn't just automatically stop loving and worrying about dd at the stroke of midnight she turned 18! It's bloody hard making the transition from parenting a child to being a parent of an adult, for your child too.

Oh god yeah didn't want to read and run

It's not like the thread lists the usernames of those who viewed and not replied, you're the only one bringing attention to it!

Also " - not envy"

It's pretty obvious that you're disgusted and NOT envious about the story of someone picking a chunk of shite out of their toilet, hun.

@Graphista

Agreed

Oh I fucking hate

"I don't mean you, you're obviously genuine"

Yeah but if all the people you actually KNOW are genuine

It stands to reason that a shittonne Of people you've never met and whose circumstances you know fuck all about are genuine TOO arsehole

You need a shit hot lawyer.

Someone being a bit difficult? He/she's a narcissist.

I just spat my coffee over the screen and laughed so loud I woke up next door's dog's baby's best friend.

OP: Is my sister being a bitch?
Several others: Yes, she is.
Next person: Actually I don’t think she is; I think you’re being unfair.
Person after that: Are you the OP’s sister?!

First of all, it isn’t fucking funny. Any chimp could come up with that. Secondly, on a site with several million active users it’s not very fucking likely. Thirdly, if it was, wouldn’t they be losing their shit at their sister in real life for bitching about them on MN, rather than inventing a persona to disagree with them online?

Also: ‘You don’t answer the door?!? But what if it’s a neighbour bringing you cake or fruit off their tree?! Or someone telling you you’ve won the lottery?! Or the fire brigade trying to tell you your house is on fire?!?!?’

Completely ignoring the fact that the OP has said she lives on a sink estate and is worried the neighbours are drug dealers/pimps. And that in most other scenarios, the most likely possibility is someone flogging dusters or trying to tell you Jesus loves you.

Did you mean to be so ride?