That we can afford the chicken!?

[hungryfordinner]

So I've had an argument with my husband and really need some independent perspective.

We are a family of three - me, husband and toddler

• we own our house outright (paid off last summer)!
• we both earn good salaries- after childcare we have about £5k per month to go towards living and saving. We each get £500 to cover tube transport / mobile / personal expenses, so £4000 is free. We are saving for an overseas home and our child's future. There is plenty in savings if we need it.

And yet- today I realised we had no meat in the fridge aside from some sausages, no vegetables apart from tomatoes; and we only get groceries on a Sunday. Not fancying sausages, I bought some chicken breasts in Sainsbury's for £6, and came home and made dinner for the three of us, using the tomatoes and pasta we already had.

I thought that my husband would be pleased I had dinner ready (Wednesday is my day off; he has Fridays off and never has dinner ready for me when I get home).

Well, he has come home and kicked off big time about me buying the chicken. Apparently we need to make what's in the fridge last a whole week, even if it means pesto pasta or tinned meals. And we shouldn't be eating so much meat.

We spend max £40 on food / nappies (his rule) per week and honestly it's driving me crazy. Yes- some people do this and manage fine. I get this. It's not impossible but it's not fun.

But AIBU to think that since we are in such a fortunate financial position, we can splash out on a bit of mid-week chicken? Why the need to control our existence in such a shitty way?

Wait - while I'm at it- a cleaner. I always said to him I want a cleaner when I am back at work. Our time together is too valuable to waste time cleaning. But nope. Instead I spent at least an hour of my day off cleaning skid marks that his disgusting mate had left in our family bathroom last night, scrubbing the rest of that bathroom down, vacuuming and mopping the ground floor, and doing laundry.

All while trying to entertain a toddler or get him to nap (bloody hard work).

On Saturdays we both do a full clean of the house, either while the child sleeps or if he won't sleep,!we take turns cleaning / entertaining child.

I'm sick of living such a miserly existence when we can well and truly afford to live a little!

hungryfordinner. I can't stop thinking of you! I do hope you are having a lovely day. It's H's day off isn't it? I think he should cook tonight then! Sorry! I am beginning to feel like I am intruding and being bossy! Maybe he really isn't a good cook and can't bear to do it but if so then he should be fair and do other jobs to make up for you doing the cooking. After all you go out to work too.

I was just wanting to ask you to try and learn all you can about Controlling Abuse. It goes in cycles and that includes nice stages when the Controller is nice to you and you think you imagined all the rest or you make excuses for it and you think everything is ok now. Please monitor the shared money and stop putting such a huge proportion of your hard-earned salary into the joint account. I'm begging you to keep some of your money so you can use it without his "permission" or knowledge.
Do google "methods used by controlling partners" even the wikipedia entry is good but a bit "tightly packed": en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Abusive_power_and_control

The methods are very insidious, and go in a cycle. After time you have no idea that you are in this relationship and that your life has been taken over and you readily make excuses, live for good days or when he is nice and thus allow him to continue with his main aims of controlling you. Are you 100% able to trust and believe everything he says, for example. I even wondered if the excuse for being late home was genuine. see
speakoutloud.net/helping-victims-survivors/warning-signs-of-abuse/coercive-control-5
I am convinced he is controlling you for your money as well as needing you but equally hating his dependent need for you. I am so sorry, Hungry, you must think I am world's no.1 Bitch, but I would rather be safe than sorry. Please get your money back in your name. You can still use it for the house in your own country, that will not be affected. He will come up with all sorts of reasons why it is better to have it in a joint account but just be firm, calm, and stick to your rights. Don't try to explain. Don't tell him until he asks and then say "I just wanted to. (that is put it in an account under my name) I think it's best". and repeat that. Don't say why it's best or anything. Maybe you could say "I like to see how much I have saved" and repeat that. No explanations. No telling him the password to that account. Always sound as if it's not an important subject and as if you are just a bit dreamy. Don't get pinned down. Leave the room if he starts to upset you. But get your money into an account which only you can access as soon as possible. Start arranging it immediately. Please be independent of him no matter how much you love him. Being financially independent does not stop you being his wife and using the money for your shared house - all the while he treats you as an equal partner and respects you.

Please do these things. Sort out your money, and learn about the tactics of controlling partners.
God bless you and your little son and your husband who I pray is going to love and cherish you and treat you with respect.
Lots of love Elle x

Elle
How I wish I'd had a message like this years ago - it might have helped!
I can feel your love and warmth (and concern).

@Ellyess thank you for your message and information. Husband didn't fuss when I bought chicken yesterday 😂.. he's getting there. I keep reminding him that he needs to take a turn cooking, and that he's more than welcome to cook a veggie meal!

I am reading up oncontrollingabuse and making sure I know what to look for

I do feel a bit strange about asking for money back. I was the one that pushed us getting a joint account rather than separate finances and using the splitwise app to sort out joint expenses. I learnt from mumsnet that finances shouldn't be separate in a marriage, so he's going to think I'm crazy to separate them again.

Why split them totally? We have joint where all bills come from and personal ones for salary etc to be paid into.

"I learnt from mumsnet that finances shouldn't be separate in a marriage"

But you're also supposed to have a 'running away fund' apparently too. 😁

Glad things seem to be getting better for you.

There are lots of ways to do this. We each put enough into our joint account to pay bills / mortgage, the rest stays in individual current accounts, own savings accounts etc. This has varied with whoever is earning more putting a bit more in (especially during maternity leave!). I guess it is separate, but we are also completely open about it and how we fund bigger things (e.g. kitchen).

I hope you find a way that works for you, and having read all of this thread I thing there is some great advice here from people who really care.

I learnt from mumsnet that finances shouldn't be separate in a marriage

Remember there's no 'one size fits all' answer to family finances.

DH and I have joint finances, but we've both always earned about the same, neither of us is financially controlling or abusive, and we are able to talk out large purchases together and arrive at a joint decision. All well and good.

BFF and her DH have separate finances. He earns much more than she and is financially controlling and abusive. He expects her to account to him for every penny she spends even of her own money. He is free to do as he wishes with his money. She has to hide or lie about purchases she makes for herself. He gets to say what large purchases are made and she has no voice. She'd be a fool to have joint accounts as at least with separate accounts she has some little control over her money.

And yes, I've told her a million times to leave. She isn't 'there' yet.

YANBU at all OP. If I were you I would separate your finances so that you have your own money and he has his, you do as you please with yours. Honestly, it’s MISERABLE living like that. And totally unnecessary when you’re very well off.

We have joint accounts and I have my own.

hungryfordinner. Thanks for your reply and explaining about the joint account. I understand now. I honestly think you are both denying yourselves too much at the moment by only paying such a small amount into your respective individual accounts though. Can you arrange to at least double that? Your savings will still continue to grow very fast. I would like to see you being more relaxed together and as I said before, enjoying this precious time while you are young and you have a young child. It passes so quickly.
I'm really pleased your H accepted the chicken! Good luck with everything Hungry, I think you are amazing at how much you have taken in on this thread. The things we have said and asked you to consider must have been so difficult to take in. Yet you have done so and not "shouted back" at us! You are clearly a lovely, extremely kind and very hard-working person. Please remember you have a right to be happy and that your rights and opinions are valuable. Sincere congratulations on surviving this thread and taking it all in. I do hope and pray all goes well for you in the future and you will have many happy years when you can see your parents easily. If you want to PM me you are very welcome. Just to let me know how you and your family are. This has been an unusual thread for me, I have become very involved and felt very close to you and care about you very much. You really are special. So lots of good luck and best wishes and keep up the work on encouraging your H to understand the give and take of married bliss! Love from Elle x

* I learnt from mumsnet that finances shouldn't be separate in a marriage*

Op there’s no right or wrong. Mimsney is not the definitive gospel on all things marriage. It’s about works for you and your partner. Your situation is not working for you, so change it.

OP transfer half of the joint account to your own bank account! You don’t just ‘get’£500 a month, YOU earn your own wages and all of it belongs to
You!

The sensible way to divide your finances is that you both keep your own private bank account, then you have a joint account and a savings accounts.

Every month you get your wages paid into your personal bank account.

Then you each transfer half of the household bills into the joint account, and any other agreed amount for monthly joint spending on days out and household stuff.

You transfer an agreed amount into the savings account each.

Then what is left in your personal bank account is yours to spend as you wish.

We use a joint account for all hills. Wages go into our own separate accounts. We worked out the fair split to cover bills based on who earns more. So husband pays 60% And i pay 40%. We set up a standing order from our own accounts to the joint account and then any money left in our own accounts is our own to do with as we please. I think it's the fairest way!

Hi OP, hope all's well. I've been following your thread and I'm really rooting for you, we all are :)

Read the full thread and wanted to just say well done OP. As someone in your husbands mindset of anxiety about the state of the environment I find shopping v stressful. Sounds like his feeling ‘out of control’ with it all might have manifested in his trying to control the thing closest to him. He made some massive mistakes here though. I’m so glad you stood up for yourself. And never lost confidence that you did not deserve to be treated that way. Good work and good luck. X