That we can afford the chicken!?

[hungryfordinner]

So I've had an argument with my husband and really need some independent perspective.

We are a family of three - me, husband and toddler

• we own our house outright (paid off last summer)!
• we both earn good salaries- after childcare we have about £5k per month to go towards living and saving. We each get £500 to cover tube transport / mobile / personal expenses, so £4000 is free. We are saving for an overseas home and our child's future. There is plenty in savings if we need it.

And yet- today I realised we had no meat in the fridge aside from some sausages, no vegetables apart from tomatoes; and we only get groceries on a Sunday. Not fancying sausages, I bought some chicken breasts in Sainsbury's for £6, and came home and made dinner for the three of us, using the tomatoes and pasta we already had.

I thought that my husband would be pleased I had dinner ready (Wednesday is my day off; he has Fridays off and never has dinner ready for me when I get home).

Well, he has come home and kicked off big time about me buying the chicken. Apparently we need to make what's in the fridge last a whole week, even if it means pesto pasta or tinned meals. And we shouldn't be eating so much meat.

We spend max £40 on food / nappies (his rule) per week and honestly it's driving me crazy. Yes- some people do this and manage fine. I get this. It's not impossible but it's not fun.

But AIBU to think that since we are in such a fortunate financial position, we can splash out on a bit of mid-week chicken? Why the need to control our existence in such a shitty way?

Wait - while I'm at it- a cleaner. I always said to him I want a cleaner when I am back at work. Our time together is too valuable to waste time cleaning. But nope. Instead I spent at least an hour of my day off cleaning skid marks that his disgusting mate had left in our family bathroom last night, scrubbing the rest of that bathroom down, vacuuming and mopping the ground floor, and doing laundry.

All while trying to entertain a toddler or get him to nap (bloody hard work).

On Saturdays we both do a full clean of the house, either while the child sleeps or if he won't sleep,!we take turns cleaning / entertaining child.

I'm sick of living such a miserly existence when we can well and truly afford to live a little!

Well clearly we disagree on many things - how OPs posts are interpreted, how helpful it is to call people names or accuse them of playing games.
What we can agree on I think is that our interactions with each other are not helpful to the OP. We can also agree that the level of financial control OPs husband exerts is unhealthy and damaging. How OP responds to it is dependent on many things including how other aspects of her relationship are and we know very little about that. I would hope that OP can read everyone's advice on here and take note of the ones that resonate with her and her relationship.

Twisted since you seem to have a limited view of what constitutes abuse, consider that it only takes seconds for a man to thump his partner or shove her against a wall. It would only take a few minutes for him to rape her. Calling her vile names and telling her she is worthless also takes seconds.

A man could spend a whole week acting loving and generous and spend less than 5 minutes inflicting horric injuries and subjecting his partner to degradation. Only abusing his partner for 5 minutes out of 10080 and appearing to be lovely for the other 10075 does not make him not abusive.

While the OP's situation isn't as concrete to you as my example, she is living in a permanent state of anxiety about where she will put a foot wrong next. Her H's weapons aren't fists but instead hunger, degradation and disapproval, meted out as punishments and a bad atmosphere. He is causing OP emotional harm and not allowing her to feed their child healthy, nutritious food.

These are not the actions of a good man with his family's best interests at heart.

I'm both pleased and sorry Twisted that you have clearly not experienced this kind of personality of the DH nor become familiar with the cycle of abuse and what a wide variety of forms abuse can take. Please because you've not experienced it (and let's hope never will) and sorry because I've not been abused, but I did live within someone who had both PTSD and a class A drug habit which he kept hidden and from this and extensively bringing myself up to speed with that the signs are, how these people behave, how deliberately manipulative they are and how they are INCAPABLE of change. No one made me learn this stuff, I proactively educated myself about it for my own protection and so I could share this knowledge with my DD.

It seems like people are making snap judgements on a stranger but we're able to because they are part of the toolbox of nasty tricks that these people play. You take umbridge at me saying you shouldn't go to counselling with someone who is an abuser - it is factually accurate to say that and well known to rarerly if ever result in a resolution to the abuse. The only way to stop abuse with someone like this is to get away from them.

I fervently wish it wasn't so I really do but my eyes were opened, largely through MN, and the existence of odd personality types, dangerous ones, abusive ones, was opened up to me and now I get it. I literally didn't have a clue before this.

I hope the OP has support in real life that she can speak to, because this thread has now stopped being about her situation and turned into a debate on which poster understands abuse the most.

OP - I'm a police officer, and I deal with situations like yours regularly. I know whereabouts you are in the process, and want you to know that if/when you reach a point that you want help, it is available.

Maybe consider downloading the Brightsky app, it contains lots of helpful sources of information and there is a journal where you can record your thoughts and feelings to help you make sense of everything

Excellent post @MrsGarethSouthgate

None of us really know what's happening but the energy of it feels sinister to me

OP - there is lots of help should you decide that you need it

And we are all here for you too

MrsGarethSouthgate
Brilliant!

MrsGarethSouthgate - something practical. Hurrah.
The OP has only just started on this process of becoming properly aware that something is wrong.
We are all here for you OP.

Twisted is an appropriate name. I’m sorry but it’s evident you have no clue about abusive relationships, which is good for you. People like the ops husband are not normal in their thinking. Your suggestions would be fine for a reasonable, rational person but he is not one. Please do not insult the many people on here who fully understand the mindset of an abuser. The op needs proper support based on what she’s going through. It’s hard enough for victims of abuse to accept what is happening to them without people like yourself making them feel their situation is normal, could be somewhat their fault and is able to change. It is hard to explain just how hard it is living with a partner that is controlling if you haven’t experienced it so please do not come on here late to the party with poor advice to someone in a serious situation when you do not have the experience to qualify your suggestions.

....And whether the op loves him is irrelevant. I don’t know how the op feels but I when I was with an abusive man I felt numb, constantly anxious and scared. Just trying not to annoy him. How is that love? Love is two-way. I’m not sure feelings of love are that abundant when you live with a controlling person. Just getting through each day is an achievement in itself. Love is a luxury for those is safe and normal relationships. Asking if she loves him just shows you are not qualified to comment twisted.

Sb thank you for your comment on my name - stemming from a bloody awful injury. And thanks also for presuming to know my experience. If you can manage to step down from the bandwagon and actually read my posts you might find that I have never minimised OPs husbands behaviour. I just don't agree that strangers on the internet should presume to know everything about OPs relationship and that armchair psychologists are rarely helpful.

Hear hear @Sb74, well said, my sentiments exactly.

And reading your next post reminds me of the dangers of projecting....

I think you’ll find twisted that the op has reached out to strangers on the internet so by virtue of that I’m sure appreciates the views of those that have been in similar situations, otherwise why would she have put post on here? Many people can see the red flags through their own experience. When someone is abusive there is no other side. The other side is normally an act, charming you until they can bring you down again. Controlling people normally have a very charming side that hides the real them. I hope the op is ok. We are all behind you. Xx

I’m the words of the great Tina, what’s love got to do with it? In this kind of situation means nothing. Any feelings just makes it harder to leave.

I'm sorry for going off the radar; we haven't spoken all day. Husband's been avoiding me and I'm not making the effort to seek him out. Been busy with the baby and since he went to bed I've been cooking up some meals (yay fresh shop today)!

All of your comments are very helpful and I appreciate them all. X

Good to hear you’re ok. Xx

I agree that sharing personal experiences can be helpful. They may resonate with OP and help her to see things from a different perspective. However coming from the perspective of saying that because I lived with an abusive narcissistic personality disordered man then you must be too, is perhaps a step too far and not necessarily helpful.
I also think that just because someone presents a different perspective, name calling and attempting to belittle and dismiss their points is not helpful to anyone.
We have all posted to try to help and support OP in our own way. Being respectful to other posters whilst not agreeing with them has not always been achieved here.

Thanks for the update hungry. We're all here for you x

I have only based my views on what I have read on here, like many others. I understand you mean well twisted but based on the information we all have the op is living in a controlling and abusive environment. I think there is enough on here to determine that. Those that have lived through this kind of situation will jump all over this because we know how awful it is to live in this kind of environment. Any abuse is bad. Our understanding of the whole relationship isn’t needed. We know enough to know it’s wrong. To treat his wife as he does and then possibly be all sweetness and light is insincere and doesn’t takeaway from the abuse. Nothing counteracts his bad behaviour.

Not seeking him out is a sensible move, hungry. Instead of wanting to plead with him to stop ignoring you and acting unhappy with you, you're able to protect yourself and take the wind out of sails by treating his stonewalling as a bit of relief, enabling you to get on with your day.

Is this avoiding you normal op? Or do you think he is escalating as you are daring to challenge his rules? I like the sound of him less and less. I would not be in a relationship with someone who ignores, especially with children involved. Can you take your ds and stay with someone, tell him you won’t have your child see such a terrible example of a relationship and when he wants to act like an adult and talk you can come back?

Well thanks for recognising my intentions in such a non patronising way.
OP I hope you are finding this helpful.
Clearly many people on here have experienced terribly abusive relationships and can share their experiences of what helped them in order to help you.
There are some of us on here who have spend years working with both abusers and the abused both from a legal and therapeutic perspective and can offer support and advice from their experiences.
It's up to you to take what is helpful and ignore the rest, whilst knowing we all support you.

Thank you Hungryfordinner Glad you have had a day with your baby and a chance to shop. Enjoy your baby! Take care of yourself. You deserve a happy life, decent meals and time to relax! Best wishes Elle x

Tell him he owes you £1000 in fines for long term total dickheaditis.

Crikey! I have to laugh at that! As soon as Twisted came late on the scene making her dramatic stand by being different, she began to make sweeping all-inclusive rude statements about us to belittle us and put us down. She tried again with “armchair psychologists” ignoring that some of us have several post graduate qualifications in the field plus broad experience! Now she’s telling us that “name calling and attempting to belittle and dismiss their points is not helpful”

Amazing! Twisted you really do need crutches now! You have utterly shot your self in the foo!